If Bible Characters had iPhones

More Banned Children’s Books

1. The Pop-up Book of Human Anatomy
2. Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will
3. Let’s Draw Betty and Veronica Without Their Clothes On
4. The Care Bears Maul Some Campers and Are Shot Dead
5. How to Insert Sharp Objects into Your Ear
6. When is Later?
7. Why Mommy and Daddy Are Bouncing on the Bed
8. Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs Get Kinky
9. Rin Tin Tin Guards the Herd of Sheep
10. How Far is Not Far?
11. The Boy Who Cried “Fire!”
12. Why Uncle Bud Falls Down
13. Two Fingers in the Dike
14. Back To School! A Munitions Primer
15. Jack and Jill and Ted and Alice
16. Things That Are Really Sharp
17. How Dopey Got His Name
18. The Beanie Babies and the Putrid Odor
19. Three Men in a Tub – The Untold Story
20. Things Rat Poison Looks Like
21. Spinach or Steroids – A Guide to Scholarships

Three Trees And A Woodpecker

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, “Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?” The birch says he cannot tell, but just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.

The birch says, “Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?”

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree and replies, “It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch, It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever poked my pecker into.”

Now wipe that smile off your face.

Words That Don’t Exist, But Should

AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks’ trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathroom faucet on and off with your toes.

CARPERPETUATION (kar’ pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.

DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt’) v. To sterilize the piece of candy you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow ‘remove’ all the germs.

ELBONICS (el bon’ iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater (airplane).

FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keep backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.

LACTOMANGULATION (lak’ to man guy lay’ shun) n. Manhandling the “open here” spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the ‘illegal’ side.

PEPPIER (pehp ee ay’) n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want ground pepper.

PHONESIA (fo nee’ zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.

PUPKUS (pup’kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.

TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay’ shun) n. The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you’re only six inches away.

Are You Sure I’m Drunk?

A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter.

A cop pulled up and said, “I’ve got to take you in pal. You’re obviously drunk.”

The wasted man asked, “Officer, are ya absolutely sure I’m drunk?” “Yeah buddy, I’m sure,” said the cop, “Let’s go.”

Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, “Thank goodness. I thought I was crippled.”

Things To Say When You Get Gifts You Don’t Like

10. Boy, if I had not recently shot up four sizes, that would’ve fit.

9. It would be a shame if the garbage man ever accidentally took this from me.

8. Perfect for wearing in the basement.

7. Well, well, well…

6. I really don’t deserve this.

5. Gosh, I hope this never catches fire!

4. I Love it, but I fear the jealousy it will inspire.

3. If the dog buries it, I’ll be furious!

2. Sadly, tomorrow I enter the federal witness protection program.

1. To think I got this the year I vowed to give all my gifts to charity.

How Many Dollars Would You Have?

Teacher: “If you had one dollar and you asked your father for another, how many dollars would you have?”
Vincent: “One dollar.”
Teacher: “You don’t know your arithmetic.”
Vincent: “You don’t know my father.”

Signs Your Dentist Is Crazy

• Keeps trying to sell you extra teeth.
• His restrooms are labeled “Bleeders” and “Non-Bleeders”
• Pumps gas into the waiting room in advance.
• Does an extensive search for cavities…dental and body.
• He licks his tools clean.
• Gets mad when you mention that 4 out of 5 dentists surveyed lie.
• When you come to from being under the gas, he’s quick to insist that you wore your pants backwards when you came into his office.
• Wears a necklace made of human teeth.
• Has a grindstone in the office for his tools.
• Insists that a Novocain shot is something that he’ll buy you at a bar if you just go out with him.

White Hair

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast to her brunette hair. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, “Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?”

Her mother replied, “Well, every time you do something wrong and make me unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.”

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and said, “Mama, how come ALL of grandma’s hairs are white?”

Dog Rules

1. The dog is not allowed in the house.
2. Okay, the dog is allowed in the house, but only in certain rooms.
3. The dog is allowed in all rooms, but has to stay off the furniture.
4. The dog can get on the old furniture only.
5. Fine, the dog is allowed on all the furniture, but is not allowed to sleep with the humans on the bed.
6. Okay, the dog is allowed on the bed, but only by invitation.
7. The dog can sleep on the bed whenever he wants, but not under the covers.
8. The dog can sleep under the covers by invitation only
9. The dog can sleep under the covers every night.
10. Humans must ask permission to sleep under the covers with the dog.

Why You Should Cancel Your Credit Card Before You Die.

Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die! This is so priceless, and so easy to see happening, customer service being what it is today.

A lady died this past January, and Citibank billed her for February and March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00 when she died, but now somewhere around $60.00. A family member placed a call to Citibank.

Here is the exchange:
Family Member: ‘I am calling to tell you she died back in January.’
Citibank: ‘The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.’
Family Member: ‘Maybe you should turn it over to collections.’
Citibank: ‘Since it is two months past due, it already has been.’
Family Member: So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?’
Citibank: ‘Either report her account to frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!’
Family Member: ‘Do you think God will be mad at her?’
Citibank: ‘Excuse me?’
Family Member: ‘Did you just get what I was telling you – the part about her being dead?’
Citibank: ‘Sir, you’ll have to speak to my supervisor.’
Supervisor gets on the phone:
Family Member: ‘I’m calling to tell you, she died back in January with a $0 balance.’
Citibank: ‘The account was never closed and late fees and charges still apply.’
Family Member: ‘You mean you want to collect from her estate?’
Citibank: (Stammer) ‘Are you her lawyer?’
Family Member: ‘No, I’m her great nephew.’ (Lawyer info was given)
Citibank: ‘Could you fax us a certificate of death?’
Family Member: ‘Sure.’ (Fax number was given)
After they get the fax:
Citibank: ‘Our system just isn’t setup for death. I don’t know what more I can do to help.’
Family Member: ‘Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. She won’t care.’
Citibank: ‘Well, the late fees and charges will still apply.’
(What is wrong with these people?!?)
Family Member: ‘Would you like her new billing address?’
Citibank: ‘That might help….’
Family Member: ‘ Odessa Memorial Cemetery, Highway 129, Plot Number 69.’
Citibank: ‘Sir, that’s a cemetery!’
Family Member: ‘And what do you do with dead people on your planet???’
(Priceless!!)
And you wondered why Citibank needed help from the Feds?

We Put The Friendly In Friendly Fire!

Smartest Move He Ever Made

Who Needs An Education?

I Don’t Think That’s What That Means

How Many People Did This Before They Had To Put Up The Sign?

Well What Else Would We Transport It On?

That’s A Pretty Good Reason

This Is Going To Save Me A Lot Of Grief

Boy Am I Glad The Nighties Are Over Error Messages Are Much Better Now

You Forgot Drinking Enough Alcohol Too Not Feel Your Tung On Fire