Midwest Siri

If You Love Someone…

Shakespeare:
If you love someone,
Set her free….
If she ever comes back, she’s yours,
If she doesn’t, here’s the poison, suicide yourself for her.

Optimist:
If you love someone,
Set her free….
Don’t worry, she will come back.

Suspicious:
If you love someone,
Set her free….
If she ever comes back, ask her why.

Impatient:
If you love someone,
Set her free….
If she doesn’t comes back within some time forget her.

Patient:
If you love someone,
Set her free….
If she doesn’t come back, continue to wait until she comes back.

Playful:
If you love someone,
Set her free….
*If she comes back, and if you love her still, set her free again, repeat*

C++ Programmer:
if(you-love(m_she))
m_she.free()
if(m_she == NULL)
m_she= new CShe;

Lawyers:
If you love someone,
Set her free,
Clause 1a of Paragraph 13a-1 in the second amendment of the Matrimonial Freedom Act clearly states that….

Bill Gates:
If you love someone,
Set her free,
If she comes back, I think we can charge her for re-installation fees but tell her that she’s also going to get an upgrade.

Biologist:
If you love someone,
Set her free, She’ll evolve.

Statisticians:
If you love someone,
Set her free,
If she loves you, the probability of her coming back is high, if she doesn’t, the weibull distribution and your relation was improbable anyway.

Salesman:
If you love someone,
Set her free….
If she ever comes back, deal!
If she doesn’t, so what! “NEXT”.

Schwarzenegger’s fans:
If you love someone,
Set her free,
SHE’LL BE BACK!

Insurance agent:
If you love someone,
Show her the plan….
If she ever comes back, sign her up,
If she doesn’t, keep following up with her and never give up!

Physicist:
If you love someone,
Set her free….
If she ever comes back, it’s the law of gravity,
If she doesn’t, either there’s friction higher than the force or the angle of collision between two objects did not synchronize at the right angle.

Mathematician:
If you love someone,
Set her free….
If she ever comes back, 1 + 1 = 2 (peanut!),
If she doesn’t, Y = 2X – log(0.46Y^2 + (cos(52/34X)) x 5Y^(-0.5)c) where c is the infinite constant of no turning point.

Nowadays’ style:
If You Love Someone,
Set it free,
If It Comes Back, It is Yours
If It Doesn’t, Hunt it Down and Kill It…!!! OR PERHAPS REPORT TO IMMIGRATION THAT SHE/HE IS AN ILLEGAL.

If you love someone
WHY IN THE FIRST PLACE SET HER FREE???
CARELESS IDIOT!!!

I Wish I Had Realized This When I Went To College

If a professor brags about how hard it is to pass their class then drop the class. They should not be proud of being bad at conveying information to students.
You’re not paying thousands of dollars to fail. Find a professor that wants you to pass.

As a college instructor I approve this message.

British Classified Ads

These are classified ads, which were actually placed in U.K. Newspapers:

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old, Hateful little bastard.
Bites!

FREE PUPPIES
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor’s dog.

FREE PUPPIES.
Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.

COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.

JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer £100.

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE.
Worn once by mistake.
Call Stephanie.

And the WINNER is…

FOR SALE BY OWNER.
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition, £200 or best offer. No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.

Most Redneck Story Ever

He cheated so I fucked his dad, then he keyed my car and popped the tires, so I smashed his PS5, then he smashed the windows at my house, so fucked his brother, so he killed my cat, so I pressed charges and he had to go to jail for a month but’ he wants me back and I still love him so I’mma go and say hi.

Marriage Jokes

“Marriage is like deleting all the apps on your phone except one.”

[plane about to crash]
wife: if you have anything to say to me you need to say it now
me: remember when I said the dog ate our yankee candle

“I need to start paying closer attention to stuff. Found out today my wife and I have separate names for the cat.”

When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals

*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”

“Husbands and wives are irritating. But without them, who would we blame for misplacing our socks?”

“Marriage is the alliance of two people, one of whom never remembers birthdays and the other never forgets them.”

ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*

“Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist; it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again.”

“I haven’t spoken to my mother-in-law for eighteen months…. I don’t like to interrupt her”.

“I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to steal the covers from for the rest of your life.”

“Is marriage just two people taking turns mashing the trash down in the hopes the other one folds first and empties the bin?”

“My husband talks in his sleep. Unfortunately, he also snores, so I sometimes give him the wifely elbow. ‘What?!’ he demanded one night, still mostly asleep. ‘Turn over—you’re snoring,’ I said. He did as instructed and while doing so muttered, ‘That’s nothing; you should hear my wife snore.’”

Wife: “Our new neighbor always kisses his wife when he leaves for work. Why don’t you do that?”
Husband: “How can I? I don’t even know her.”

“Why do married people live longer than single people? I think it’s because married people make a special effort to live longer than their partner — just so they can have the last word.”

“It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.”

“The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it.”

Wife: “Omg, now I get it!”
Husband: “You get what?”
Wife: “You know, when things heat up, they expand.”
Husband: “And?”
Wife: “I’m not Fat, I’m hot!”

The Ring

My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods.

We’ve discovered that when I’m in a good mood it turns green.

But when I’m in a bad mood it leaves a big red mark on his forehead.

Maybe next time the cheap bastard will buy me a diamond!

The Facts of Work

• The first 90% of a project takes 10% of the time, the last 10% takes the other 90% of the time.
• If at first you don’t succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
• The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.
• Keep your boss’s boss off your boss’s back.
• If you can’t get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.
• A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.
• Don’t be irreplaceable, if you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.
• It doesn’t matter what you do, it only matters what you say you’ve done and what you’re going to do.
• After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.
• You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
• Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
• When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.
• There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.
• Everything can be filed under “Miscellaneous.”
• Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.
• To err is human, to forgive is not our policy.
• Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn’t the work he/she is supposed to be doing.
• Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.
• If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.
• You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.
• People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn’t.
• If it wasn’t for the last minute, nothing would get done.
• At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.
• When you don’t know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
• Following the rules will not get the job done.
• Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.
• When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, “How would the Lone Ranger handle this?”
• No matter how much you do, you never do enough.
• The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong.

Walk Thru A Graveyard

One dark night, two men are walking home after a party and decide to take a shortcut through the cemetery.
Right in the middle of the cemetery they are startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows.

Trembling with fear, they find an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones. “Holy cow, dude,” one says after catching his breath. “You scared us half to death. We thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?”

“Those fools!” the old man grumbles. “They misspelled my name!”

You’re Know You’re From Alaska If…

…your town has an equal number of bars and churches.
…you have had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number.
…you know how to say Matanuska, Tokositna, Kichatna, Oshetna, Bodenburg and Muktuk.
…you think that ketchup is one of the seven main food groups.
…your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a motor home on the highway.
…your whole family wears mukluks to church on Sunday.
…you see people wearing camouflage at social events – including weddings and funerals.
…You consider it a sport to gather your food by drilling through 38 inches of ice and sitting there all day hoping that the food will swim by.
…you’re proud that Alaska makes the national news 96 nights each year because Trapper Creek is the coldest spot in the nation.
…you instinctively walk like a penguin for five months out of the year.
…your dad’s suntan stops at a line curving around the middle of his forehead.
…you may not have actually eaten it, but you have heard of jellied moose nose.
…you have worn shorts and a parka at the same time.
…you have either a pet or child named “Bear”.

Who Says Teenagers Are Dumb

A teenage boy with spiked hair, a nose ring, and baggy clothes was overheard telling a friend, “I don’t really like to dress like this, but it keeps my parents from dragging me everywhere with them.”

Modern Soylent Green

When You Hate Comfort

WAIT!!! NOT NOW!!!

My Kids Love This One!

Now That’s Honest Advertisement

I’m Going To Ask You To Please Turn On The Camera And Un-mute The Microphone

How To Know This Has Gone Too Far

Hey I’d Be Mad To!

Kids Will Never Stop Laughing At This

She Partied Till The End