Drunken Wedding Speech – The Two Ronnies

Funny Bucket List

-Text “I hid the body” to a random number.
-Put blue Gatorade in a Windex bottle. Walk around in public drinking it.
-Specify that your drive-through order is “dine-in”.
-Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you ‘like It that way”.
-Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn’t rhyme
-Finish all your sentences with the words “in accordance with prophesy”
-Go to Australia. Locate 42 Wallaby Way, Sydney.
-Divide by zero. Escape math class through the wormhole in time it creates a result.
-Go trick-or-treating as a Jehovah’s witness.

Graham Martin Is In Hospital:

Who the hell is GRAHAM?
Well Graham is the geezer who got home late one night and Helen his wife, says, “Where the hell have you been?”

Graham replies. “I was getting a tattoo!”

“A tattoo?” She frowned. “What kind of tattoo did you get?”

“I got a hundred dollar note on my privates.” He said proudly.

“What the hell were you thinking?” She said, shaking her head in disgust. “Why on earth would a Chartered Accountant get a hundred dollar note tattooed on his privates?”

“Well, one, I like to watch my money grow.
Two, once in a while I like to play with my money.
Three, I like how money feels in my hand.
And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred dollars anytime you want.”

Graham is now in The Critical Care Unit, Room 233. No visitors until further notice

How To Get Laid By Your Wife

The don’t list

Don’t wake her up when she’s in REM. You will get kneed in the eggs. Which is not sexy.

Don’t talk about your mother within a six-to-eight hour time frame before attempting to woo your wife.

Don’t ask her-if she’s “up for it” while scratching your ass.

Don’t assume Sports Center, Pawn Stars, or WWE Raw will get her in the mood. Find yourself something with a shirtless Ryan Gosling.

Don’t crank the thermostat in the hope that she’ll peel off her layers so you’ll have easier access. Dry heat will make her sinuses smell and throat burn. These feelings only make penises appear even more repellant than usual.

Don’t eat Fart Fuel for lunch. A home perfumed with anal odor is not sexy.

Don’t ask her “So, you wanna Do It when you’re done washing those dishes?” Unless you are mopping the floor, folding the laundry AND baking a quiche simultaneously at that very moment.

I Am A Seenager

(Senior Teenager)

I have everything that I wanted as a teenager, only 60 years later.
I don’t have to go to school or work.
I get an allowance every month.
I have my own pad.
I don’t have a curfew.
I have a driver’s license and my own car.
The people I hang around with are not scared of getting pregnant and they do not use (street) drugs.
And I don’t have acne.

Life is great!

To All The Ladies At Our Bar!

The 19 clues that tell you when it’s time to call it a night!!!

1. You have absolutely no idea where your bra is at.
2. You’ve just had to have someone help you pull up your pants in the ladies room.
3. You suddenly decide you want to kick someone’s ass.
4. On your last trip to pee, you realize you now look more like Tammy Faye Baker than the supermodel you were when you came in.
5. You start crying.
6. There is less than 3 hours before you’re supposed to be at work.
7. You’ve found that you have a lot in common with the office nerd.
8. The man you’re flirting with used to be your grade teacher.
9. You’ve forgotten where you live.
10. The urge to take off your clothes, climb up on the bar, & sing a Dixie Chicks song is becoming overwhelming.
11. You’re starting to sound like Jesse Ventura from all the cigarettes you’ve smoked.
12. You bitch out the bartender, convinced she’s giving you straight Coke because you can no longer taste any alcohol.
13. You’ve announced “I only smoke when I’m drinking. or DURING sex” about 10 times.
14. You thought you were in bed, but your pillow feels strangely like a beer can.
15. You start every conversation with a booming “Now, don’t take this the wrong way. but…”
16. You fail to notice there’s a urinal in what you thought was the ladies restroom.
17. Your sloppy hugs begin to resemble wrestling moves.
18. You’re so tired, you sit on a stranger’s lap.
19. You show your friends that girls can pee standing up if they realty want to.

Overheard In The Men’s Room

Father and 4 year old in separate stalls:

Dad: Don’t take off all your clothes.
Son: Okay.
Dad: Tell me when you are done.
Son: Are you taking off all of your clothes Dad?
Dad: No, nobody does that’
Son: I do that.
Dad: I know, that is why I am telling you not to do that.
Son: Okay
Dad: Are you done?
Son: Yeah.
Dad: Come out then
Son: I have to put my clothes back on.
Dad: God Dammit.

Ways To Scare Your Roommate And/Or Get Rid Of One

(1) Buy some knives. Sharpen them every night. While you’re doing so, look at your roommate and mutter, “Soon, soon…
(2) Collect hundreds of pens and pile them on one side of the room. Keep one pencil on the other side of the room. Laugh at the pencil.
(3) Tell your roommate, “I’ve got an important message for you.” Then pretend to faint. When you recover, say you can’t remember what the message was. Later on, say, “Oh, yeah, I remember!” Pretend to faint again. Keep this up for several weeks.
(4) While your roommate is out, glue your shoes to the ceiling. When your roommate walks in, sit on the floor, hold your head, and moan.
(5) Make a sandwich. Don’t eat it, leave it on the floor. Ignore the sandwich. Wait until your roommate gets rid of it, and then say, “Hey, where the heck is my sandwich?” Complain loudly that you are hungry.
(6) Every time your roommate walks in yell, “Hooray! You’re back!” as loud as you can and dance around the room for five minutes. Afterwards, keep looking at your watch and saying, “Shouldn’t you be going somewhere?”
(7) Talk back to your Rice Krispies. All of a sudden, act offended, throw the bowl on the floor and kick it. Refuse to dean it up, explaining, “No, I want to watch them suffer”.

The Worlds Shortest Fairy Tale

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl “Will you marry me?” The girl said, ‘NO!’

And the guy lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went fishing and hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer and whiskey and had loads of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted.

THE END.

Words Of Wisdom From Children

1. Never trust a dog to watch your food. – Patrick. age 10
2. When your dad is mad and asks you, “Do I look stupid?” don’t answer him. – Michael, 14
3. Never tell your mom her diet’s not working. Michael. 14
4. Stay away from prunes. – Randy, 9
5. Never pee on an electric fence. – Robert. 13
6. Don’t squat with your spurs on. – Noronha. 13
7. Don’t pull dads finger when he tells you to. Emily. 10
8. When your mom is mad at your dad, don’t let her brush your hair. -Taylia. 11
9. Never allow your three-year old brother in the same room as your school assignment. – Traci. 14
10. Don’t sneeze in front of mom when you’re eating crackers. – Mitchen. 12
11. Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a tic-tac. -Andrew, 9
12. Never hold a dust buster and a cat at the same time. – Kyoyo. 9
13. You cant hide a piece of broccoli in a glass milk – Armir. 9
14. Don’t wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts. – Kellie, 11
15. If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse. -Naomi, IS
16. Felt markers are not good to use as lipstick – Lauren. 9
17. Don’t pick on your sister when she’s holding a baseball bat. – Joel. 10
18. When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she’s on the phone. – Alyesha, 9
13. Never try to baptize a cat. – Eileen. 8

The Day Penis Asked For A Raise

I the Penis hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
I do physical labor
I work at great depths
I plunge in headfirst into everything I do
I do not get weekends or public holidays off
I work in a damp environment
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation
I work in high temperature
My work exposes me to contagious diseases

Sincerely
P. Niss

THE RESPONSE
Penis:
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments u have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
You do not work 8 hours straight
You fall asleep after brief work periods
You do not always follow the orders of the management team
You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations
You do not take initiative, you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift
You don’t always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing
You will retire at 65
You are unable to work double shifts
You sometimes leave your designated area before u have completed your assigned task
And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious looking bags

Sincerely
Vagina

So You Kids Want A Puppy Huh?

I Miss The Old Days

Who Becomes Violent?

But That Would Cost The Company Money

Talk About A Dagwood!

Brought To You By The Letters A, S,& S

Hey, What Ever Floats Your Boat Lady, We Don’t Judge

Glad To Know The Chinese Are Just As Stupid As We Are

Soooo, How Many People Rubbing It Would It Take To Do That?

Good Grief! Who’s Laughing Now Bitches!