The Funniest Shit Ever!

Warning this is PG13
From the guys who made family guy

The TRUE Ending To “The Empire Strikes Back”:

A furious light saber duel is underway. DARTH VADER is backing LUKE SKYWALKER towards the end of the gantry. A quick move by Vader, chops off Luke’s hand! It goes spinning off into the ventilation shaft. Luke backs away. He looks around, but realizes there’s nowhere to go but straight down.

Darth Vader: Obi Wan never told you what happened to your father.

Luke: He told me enough! He told me you killed him!

Darth Vader: No… I am your father!

Luke: No, it’s not true! It’s impossible.

Darth Vader: Search your feelings… you know it to be true…

Luke: NO!

Darth Vader: Yes, it is true…and you know what else? You know that brass droid of yours?

Luke: Threepio?

Darth Vader: Yes… Threepio… I built him… when I was 7 years old…

Luke: No…

Darth Vader: Seven years old! And what have you done? Look at yourself, no hand, no job, and couldn’t even levitate your own ship out of the swamp…

Luke: I destroyed your precious Death Star!

Darth Vader: When you were 20! When I was 10, I single-handedly destroyed a Trade Federation Droid Control ship!

Luke: Well, it’s not my fault…

Darth Vader: Oh, here we go… “Poor me… my father never gave me what I wanted for my birthday… boo hoo, my daddy’s the Dark Lord of the Sith… waahhh wahhh!”

Luke: Shut up…

Darth Vader: You’re a slacker! By the time I was you’re age, I had exterminated the Jedi knights!

Luke: I used to race my T-16 through Beggar’s Canyon!

Darth Vader: Oh, for the love of the Emperor… 10 years old, winner of the Boonta Eve Open… Only human to ever fly a Pod Racer… right here baby!

Luke looks down the shaft. Takes a step towards it.

Darth Vader: I was wrong… You’re not my kid… I don’t know whose you are, but you sure ain’t mine…

Luke takes a step off the platform, hesitates, then plunges down the shaft.

Darth Vader looks after him.

Darth Vader: Get a haircut!

Quotes From Steven Wright

If you’re not familiar with the works of Steven Wright, he’s the famous erudite scientist who once said: “I woke up one morning and all of my stuff had been stolen… and replaced by exact duplicates!” His mind tends to see things a bit differently than the rest of us mortals. Here are some of his gems:

1- I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
2- Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
3- Half the people you know are below average.
4- 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5- 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6- A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
7- A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
8- If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
9- All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
10- The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
11- I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.
12- OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
13- How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
14- If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
15- Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
16- When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
17- Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
18- Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
19- I intend to live forever; so far, so good.
20- If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
21- Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
22- What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
23- My mechanic told me, “I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.”
24- Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
25- If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
26- A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
27- Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
28- The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
29- To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
30- The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
31- The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up.
32- The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
33- Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don’t have film.
34- If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?

Dangerous Virus Details

Just got this in from a reliable source It seems that there is a virus out there called the Senile Virus that even the most advanced programs from Norton cannot take care of.
So be warned, it appears to affect those of us who were born before 1958!
Symptoms of Senile Virus:

1. Causes you to send same e-mail twice.
2. Causes you to send blank e-mail.
3. Causes you to send to wrong person.
4. Causes you to send back to person who sent it to you.
5. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment.
6. Causes you to hit “SEND” before you’ve finished the………

Did I already send you this?

Real Life ‘Dilbert-Type’ Managers

“My boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25-page proposal that only needed corrections. She claims the disk I gave her was damaged and she couldn’t edit it. The disk I gave her was write-protected.” (CIO of Dell Computers)

Quote from the Boss: “Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say.” (Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)

My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my Boss, he said she died on purpose so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, “That would be better for me.” (Shipping executive, FTD Florists)

“We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees.” (Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division)

We recently received a memo from senior management saying: “This is to inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the memo mentioned above.” (Microsoft, Legal Affairs Division)

One day my Boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said, “If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!” (New business manager, Hallmark Greeting Cards.)

As director of communications, I was asked to prepare a memo reviewing our company’s training programs and materials. In the body of the memo in one of the sentences I mentioned the “pedagogical approach” used by one of the training manuals. The day after I routed the memo to the executive committee, I was called into the HR director’s office, and told that the executive vice president wanted me out of the building by lunch. When I asked why, I was told that she wouldn’t stand for perverts (pedophiles?) working in her company. Finally, he showed me her copy of the memo, with her demand that I be fired and the word “pedagogical” circled in red. The HR manager was fairly reasonable, and once he looked the word up in his dictionary and made a copy of the definition to send back to her, he told me not to worry. He would take care of it. Two days later, a memo to the entire staff came out directing us that no words which could not be found in the local Sunday newspaper could be used in company memos. A month later, I resigned. In accordance with company policy, I created my resignation memo by pasting words together from the Sunday paper. (Taco Bell Corporation)

“What I need is an exact list of specific unknown problems we might encounter.”
(Lykes Lines Shipping)

“E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business.”
(Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)

“This project is so important, we can’t let things that are more important interfere with it.”
(Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)

“Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule.”
(Plant manager, Delco Corporation)

“No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We’ve been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I’ll let you know when it’s time to tell them.”
R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.)

“As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks.”
(This was the winning quote from Fred Dales at Microsoft Corp. in Redmond, WA.)

Wife’s Final Words

Jake was watching vigilantly at his dying wife’s side. ”Sleep now, its all right,” he told her.

But she kept trying to sit up and said, ”Honey, I really need to tell you something.”

Finally Jake let her get it off her chest.

”Jake, honey, I need to tell you something before I die. During the last two months, I slept with your brother, your best friend, and your father.”

”Don’t worry about it,” Jake said, ”I already know. Why do you think I poisoned you?”

Supermodel Wisdom

ON DEATH
“Richard doesn’t really like me to kill bugs, but sometimes I can’t help it.”
– Cindy Crawford

ON TRAVEL
“I haven’t seen the Eiffel Tower, Notre Dame, the Louvre. I haven’t seen anything. I don’t really care.”
– Tyra Banks

ON THE GRIEF PROCESS
“When my Azzedine jacket from 1987 died, I wrapped it up in a box, attached a note saying where it came from and took it to the Salvation Army. It was a big loss.”
– Veronica Webb

ON VENGEANCE
“Girls are always getting mad at each other and they tell their hairdresser to purposely mess up another girl’s hair.”
– Tasha

ON BATTING
“I’m a pretty girl who’s a model who doesn’t suck as an actress.”
– Cameron Diaz

ON TRAGEDY
“The worst was when my skirt fell down to my ankles — but I had on thick tights underneath.”
– Naomi Campbell

ON MOTIVATION
“It was kind of boring for me to have to eat. I would know that I had to, and I would.”
– Kate Moss

ON VERSATILITY
“I can do anything you want me to do so long as I don’t have to speak.”
– Linda Evangelista

You Know You Have Had Too Much Coffee When…

• Juan Valdez names his donkey after you
• You get a speeding ticket even when you’re parked
• You grind your coffee beans in your mouth
• You sleep with your eyes open
• You have to watch videos in fast-forward
• You lick your coffee pot clean
• Your eyes stay open when you sneeze
• The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse
• You can type sixty words a minute with your feet
• You can jump-start your car without cables
• Your only sources of nutrition comes from “Sweet & Low”
• You don’t sweat, you percolate
• You’ve worn out the handle on your favorite coffee mug
• You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee
• You’ve worn the finish off you coffee table
• The Taster’s Choice couple wants to adopt you
• Starbuck’s owns the mortgage on your house
• You’re so wired you pick up FM radio
• Your life’s goal is to “amount to a hill of beans”
• Instant coffee takes too long
• You want to be cremated just so you can spend eternity in a coffee can
• You name your cats “Cream” and “Sugar”
• Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position
• Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup

Actual Marketing Flops

Cracking an international market is a goal of most growing corporations. It shouldn’t be that hard, yet even the big multi-nationals run into trouble because of language and cultural differences. For example…

The name Coca-Cola in China was first rendered as Ke-kou-ke-la. Unfortunately, the Coke company did not discover until after thousands of signs had been printed that the phrase means “bite the wax tadpole” or “female horse stuffed with wax” depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 Chinese characters and found a close phonetic equivalent, “ko-kou-ko-le,” which can be loosely translated as “happiness in the mouth.”

In Taiwan, the translation of the Pepsi slogan “Come alive with the Pepsi Generation” came out as “Pepsi will bring your ancestors back from the dead.”

Also in Chinese, the Kentucky Fried Chicken slogan “finger-lickin’ good” came out as “eat your fingers off.”

When General Motors introduced the Chevy Nova in South America, it was apparently unaware that “nova” means “it won’t go.” After the company figured out why it wasn’t selling any cars, it renamed the car in its Spanish markets to the Caribe.

Ford had a similar problem in Brazil when the Pinto flopped. The company found out that Pinto was Brazilian slang for “tiny male genitals”. Ford pried all the nameplates off and substituted Corcel, which means horse.

When Parker Pen marketed a ballpoint pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to say “It won’t leak in your pocket and embarrass you.” However, the company’s mistakenly thought the Spanish word “embarazar” meant embarrass. Instead the ads said that “It wont leak in your pocket and make you pregnant.”

An American t-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market which promoted the Pope’s visit. Instead of the desired “I Saw the Pope” in Spanish, the shirts proclaimed “I Saw the Potato.”

Chicken-man Frank Perdue’s slogan, “It takes a tough man to make a tender chicken,” got terribly mangled in another Spanish translation. A photo of Perdue with one of his birds appeared on billboards all over Mexico with a caption that explained “It takes a hard man to make a chicken aroused.”

Hunt-Wesson introduced its Big John products in French Canada as Gros Jos before finding out that the phrase, in slang, means “big breasts.” In this case, however, the name problem did not have a noticeable effect on sales.

In Italy, a campaign for Schweppes Tonic Water translated the name into Schweppes Toilet Water.

Japan’s second-largest tourist agency was mystified when it entered English-speaking markets and began receiving requests for unusual sex tours. Upon finding out why, the owners of Kinki Nippon Tourist Company changed its name.

12 Valid Reasons Not To Come In To Work

1. I can’t come in to work today because I’ll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. OK?

2. When I got up this morning, I took two Ex-lax in addition to my Prozac. I can’t get off the john, but I feel good about it.

3. My mother-in-law has come back as one of the Undead and we must track her to her coffin to drive a stake through her heart and give her eternal peace. One day should do it.

4. I can’t come to work today because the EPA has determined that my house is completely surrounded by wetlands and I have to arrange for helicopter transportation.

5. If it is all the same to you I won’t be coming in to work.
The voices told me to clean all the guns today.

6. I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have that deadline to meet….

7. I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at Savon.

8. Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and, hey, how about them Skins, huh? So, I won’t be able to, yes, could I help you? No, no, I’ll be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for calling.

9. Constipation has made me a walking time bomb.

10. I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn’t come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information.

11. The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me this jaw restraint so I won’t bite things when I am startled.

12. The dog ate my car keys. We’re going to hitchhike to the vet.

Signs You Have Had Enough Modern Times

1. You try to enter password to your microwave

2. Your recently dumped ex’s idea of “revenge” is stalking you via instant messages in a chat room

3. A real deck of cards no long exists, solitaire, spades, and hearts are all played on the computer

4. You know your e-mail address, but you can’t remember your home address

5. You now think of three espresso’s as getting “wasted”

6. Both you and your spouse are talking on cellular phones while driving your SUV

7. You instinctively buy and read every book Oprah mentions.

8. You don’t let your kids play outside unless they have a bullet proof vest on

9. Your boyfriend/girlfriend thinks that it’s okay to break up with you through email.

What Else Didn’t He Know?

I Just Can’t Stand Waiting Any More!

And That’s On Top Of The 49.95 Were Going To Charge You

No, Not Really

Don’t Lie To Me! What Did You Really Do With Your Lunch Money!

Just When Did This Sound Like A Good Idea?

I’m Not Drinking Anything At Your House Any More

Damn Rice Burners!

I Told You Not To Eat Mexican!

I’ve Heard Of Pistol Packing Grannies But This Is Ridiculous!