Good Morning Meth – SNL

More Things That Made My Toddler Cry This Week:

- only wants to go up on the seesaw, not down
- I wouldn’t serve her hot ice cream
- her shadow is copying her
- doesn’t want to have bones anymore

Are You Sure You Know How To Do This?

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.

‘Careful,’ he said, ‘CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD!
You’re cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They’re going to STICK! Careful . CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you’re cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don’t forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!’

The wife stared at him. ‘What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don’t know how to fry a couple of eggs?’

The husband calmly replied, ‘I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I’m driving.’

One Of The Most Versatile Words In The English Language

Sexual: Let’s fuck.
Mischief: Let’s fuck with them.
Aggression: Let’s fuck them up.
Anger: fuck you.
Regret: fuck me!
Resignation: Oh, fuck it!
Surprise: Holy fuck!
Puzzlement: What the fuck?
Greeting: How the fuck are you?
Fraud: I got fucked over.
Identification: Who the fuck are you?
Philosophical: Who gives a fuck?
Compliment: She’s so fucking beautiful.
Confusion: Where the fuck are we?
Wonder: What the fuck is that?
Amazement: How the fuck did he do that?
Threat: Don’t fuck with me!
Realization: I fucking knew it!

Damn Women Drivers

This morning on Highway 1, I looked over to my left, and there was a woman in a brand new Mercedes, doing 70 mph, with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner! I looked away for a couple of seconds, and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup. As a man, I don’t scare easily. But she scared me so much, I dropped my shaver, . . . . . .which knocked the donut out of my other hand. In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, I knocked my cell phone away from my ear which fell into the coffee between my legs, ruined the darn phone, soaked my trousers, and disconnected an important call. Damn women drivers!!!

Seniors Texting Code

ATD: At The Doctors
BFF: Best Friend Fell
BTW: Bring The Wheelchair
BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth
FWIW: Forgot Where I Was
GGPBL: Gotta Go Pacemaker Battery Low
GHA: Got Heartburn Again
IMHO: Is My Hearing-Aid On
LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out
OMSG: Oh My! sorry, Gas
ROFLACGU: Rolling On floor Laughing And Cant Get Up
TTYL: Talk To You Louder

Diaper Names Logic

Where marketing meets reality!

I know you have been lying awake at night wondering why baby diapers have brand names such as “Luvs”, “Huggies,” and “Pampers’, while undergarments for old people are called “Depends”.

Well, here is the low down on the whole thing.

When babies crap in their pants, people are still gonna Luv’em, Hug’em and Pamper’em.

When old people crap in their pants, it “Depends” on who’s in the will!

Glad I got that straightened out so you can rest our mind.

W.C. Fields

“I once spent a year in Philadelphia, I think it was on a Sunday”.
“Start every day with a smile, and get it over with”
“I never drink water; that is the stuff that rusts pipes”
“If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damned fool about it”.
“I spent half my money on gambling, alcohol and wild women. The other half I wasted”.
“Horse sense is what a horse has which keeps it from betting on people”.
“I personally stay away from natural foods. At my age I need all the preservatives I can get.”
“I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast”.
“Reality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of alcohol”.
“Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite, and furthermore always carry a small snake.”
“I don’t have to attend every argument I’m invited to”.
“The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep”.
“Some people are born losers; others acquire the knack gradually.”

Hell Hath No Fury Then A Woman Scorned . . . Remember That Guys

A woman came home early to find her husband in bed with another woman.

With superhuman strength borne of fury, she dragged her husband down the stairs to the garage and put his penis in a vise.

She then secured it tightly and removed the handle. Next she picked up a hacksaw.

The husband terrified, screamed, “Stop! Stop! You’re not going to… to…cut it off are you?!”

The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, said, “Nope. You are. I’m going to set the garage on fire.”

Weird State Laws

MASSACHUSSETTS – At a wake, you’re only allowed to eat up to three sandwiches. Yep… that’s the limit.

MICHIGAN – A woman technically can’t cut her own hair without her husband’s permission. Sounds wild, right?

MISSISSIPPI – It’s illegal to explain what polygamy means to someone. Like… seriously?

MONTANA – You can’t have a sheep riding in your truck cab unless it has a “chaperone.” No joke.

NEBRASKA – Bars aren’t allowed to sell beer unless they’re also cooking a pot of soup at the same time.

DELAWARE – Getting married on a dare? Yeah, that’s actually illegal.

The Soldier, The Judge, And The Politician

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy’s, shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, quietly, “I’d like to buy a bra for my wife.”

“What type of bra?” asked the clerk.

“Type?” inquires the man, a bit out of his element. “There’s more than one type?”

“Look around,” said the sales lady, as she showed him a sea of bras in every shape, size color and material imaginable.

“Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only three main styles of bras to choose from.” Said the saleslady. “The soldier, the judge or the politician. Which would you prefer?”

Now befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them.

The saleslady responded, “Well it’s quite simple. The soldier defends strategic locations from foreign hands, the judge makes sure everything is equal and balanced, and the politician blows everything out of proportion.”

I Don’t Think This Means What You Think It Means . . . I Hope

Then Don’t Sell Guns To Idiots

Don’t Mess With The Bear

So That’s What This Sign Means

But Did He Win?

Who Approved This?

OUCH!

This Won’t Hurt A Bit

I Wonder What Would Work To Get That Job

But Just Be Yourself