She is not a BLEACHED BLONDE – she is PEROXIDE DEPENDENT.
She is not a BAD COOK – she is MICROWAVE COMPATIBLE.
She does not wear TOO MUCH JEWELRY – she is METALLICALLY OVERBURDENED.
She is not CONCEITED – she is INTIMATELY AWARE OF HER BEST QUALITIES.
She does not want to be MARRIED – she wants to lock you in DOMESTIC INCARCERATION.
She does not GAIN WEIGHT – she is a METABOLIC UNDERACHIEVER.
She does not TEASE or FLIRT – she engages in ARTIFICIAL STIMULATION.
She is not DUMB – she is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.
She is not TOO SKINNY – she is SKELETALLY PROMINENT.
She does not HAVE A MUSTACHE – she is IN TOUCH WITH HER MASCULINE SIDE.
She does not HATE TELEVISED SPORTS – she is ATHLETICALLY IGNORANT.
She has not BEEN AROUND – she is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.
She does not WEAR TOO MUCH PERFUME – she commits FRAGRANCE ABUSE.
She does not GO SHOPPING – she is MALL FLUENT.
She is not an AIR HEAD – she is REALITY IMPAIRED.
She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY – she gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.
She does not get FAT or CHUBBY – she achieves MAXIMUM DENSITY.
She is not COLD or FRIGID – she is THERMALLY INACCESSIBLE.
She does not WEAR TOO MUCH MAKEUP – she has reached COSMETIC SATURATION.
She does not NAG YOU – she becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE.

50 Years

A couple had been married for 50 years.

They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, “Just think, honey, we’ve been married for 50 years.”

“Yeah,” she replied, “Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.”

“I know,” the old man said, “We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago.”

“Well,” Granny snickered, “What do you say…should we get naked?”

Where upon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.

“You know, honey,” the little old lady breathlessly replied, “My breasts are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.”

“I wouldn’t be surprised,” replied Gramps. “One’s in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal!

Classified Errors

From a small-town daily:

(Monday) FOR SALE – R. D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Phone 555-0707 after 7 p.m. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who lives with him cheap.

(Tuesday) NOTICE – We regret having erred in R. D. Jones’ ad yesterday. It should have read: One sewing machine for sale. Cheap: 555-0707 and ask for Mrs. Kelly who lives with him after 7 p.m.

(Wednesday) NOTICE – R. D. Jones has informed us that he has received several annoying telephone calls because of the error we made in his classified ad yesterday. His ad stands corrected as follows: FOR SALE – R. D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Cheap. Phone 555-0707 and ask Mrs. Kelly who loves with him.

(Thursday) NOTICE – I, R. D. Jones, have NO sewing machine for sale. I SMASHED IT. Don’t call 555-0707, as the telephone has been disconnected. I have NOT been carrying on with Mrs. Kelly. Until yesterday she was my housekeeper, but she quit.”

Personals Defined

Online dating is huge now. Everyone from EHarmony to Match.com have been benefiting from the surge in personals. But impersonal nature of online personals need a little clarifying. Below you’ll find a guide to better enable yourself “Find That Special Someone”

Female
Beautiful Bulgarian girl = I need a green card
Beautiful Russian girl = My pimp says I need a green card
I love doing yoga and running with my dog = a really good lay
Athletic = No t!ts
Spends too much time at work / Work Hard = I’m cheating on you and we haven’t even met
Beautiful = Pathological liar
Contagious Smile = Takes a lot of pills
Emotionally Secure = On medication / Frequent Psychiatric Visits
Feminist = Fat
Free spirit = Junkie / Hippie
Hopeless romantic = Wants a Ring
Friendship first = Former slut
Fun = Annoying
New-Age = Body hair in the wrong places
Very goal oriented = She wants to wear the pants
BA in psychology = I will be single forever
Sensitive Girl = Insecure
Adventurous = Slept with everyone
Old-fashioned = No Blow Jobs
Looking for a man with ambition = Gold-digger
Mentions the word “Love” in any way shape or form = clingy
Honest Eyes = I’ll cheat on you and you’ll never know….hehehehe
Family is important to me = Father Issues
Open-minded = Really Really Desperate
Outgoing = Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate = Sloppy drunk
Average looking = Ugly
Spontaneous = Will Have S@x Anywhere
Looking for a cowboy! = Take me….Take me nowwwwww!
Low maintenance girl = not very attractive and probably athletic = no t!ts no looks
Fun-loving girl = gives it up a lot
For a guy to make me laugh = depressed probably medicated
Honest, intelligent, funny and just down to earth = probably none of the above
Spiritual = a witch, possibly a vegetarian
Large frame = Fat
Voluptuous = Fat, but in a sexy way
Wants Soul mate = Stalker
Looking for a nice guy = Been cheated on (Paranoid, Clingy)
No Baby Daddy Drama = Baby Daddy Drama (Look out!)
30-ish = 35-45
40-ish = 49-54
Chivalry should not be dead! There’s something to be said about how our parents courted = Princess….Only Child
Very social = keep your good-looking friend away from this one
I’ve been called a keeper = only calls herself a keeper

Male
Looking for a nice girl = Been cheated on (Paranoid, Clingy)
Ambitious = Rich
Family is important to me = Mother Issues
Old fashioned gentleman = Oldddd. Really Olddddddd
Renowned Psychologist = You’ll be on medication inside of a week
I’ve been called a keeper = only calls himself a keeper
Open-minded = Really Really Desperate
Adventurous & Open-minded = Swinger, possibly bi
I want you to want me = Knows at least one song from the 80s
Charming European accent = I will cheat on you, but its okay I have a Charming European accent
“Bad boys need love too” = maybe a good lay, possibly has herpes
Wickedly sarcastic sense of humor = Will tell you your ugly and think its funny
Big Teddy Bear = Really Really Big
Lets go on a magic carpet ride = On the S@xual Offender list….check local website first
Outgoing = Loud and Embarrassing
Exceptional = Probably average at best
Look here! = You probably don’t want to look there
Moved back after a long time = I’m 30 and I live with my parents
Voluptuous = S@x Change… Transvestite
No Baby Mama Drama = Baby Mama Drama (Look out!)
I work at Budweiser = Un-employed
I like to watch movies = Can’t dance to save my life
Out going, Independent Guy = Will not come home at night
Looking for the Ms. Right = Mr. Wrong
Adam looking for Eve = Bible Study begins at 8pm
Tall guy = Big Schlong
Sensitive Guy = Gay
I cried watching the movie “Titanic” = Gay
Searching for Treasure = “Let me guess it’s around a female’s chest!”
Smart and quiet guy = “One Day I will be the Uni-Bomber”….don’t look in my basement
I love doing yoga and running with my dog = Really Really Really Gay
I don’t have an intro line = Not very interesting
Soccer fanatic = White, preppy, possibly a snob
Just want to meet good women = probably doesn’t deserve one
A man seeking s@xy playmate = Has a lot of $1 bills

How To Deal With Relatives

One man solved his problem of too many visiting relatives by borrowing money from the rich ones and loaning it to the poor ones

Damn, why didn’t I think of that!

I Did Not Know This…

When you drink vodka over ice, it can give you kidney failure.
When you drink rum over ice, it can give you liver failure.
When you drink whiskey over ice, it can give you heart problems.
When you drink gin over ice, it can give you brain problems.

Apparently, ice is really bad for you.
Warn all your friends.

An Actual Internet Conversation

This is an actual chat room conversation from a “local chat room”

Joe: I wonder what would happen if you had a hospital type folding numbered bed, and set it to 69?

Christy: huh?

Mike: I don’t know, but it sure sounds tasty!

Joe: You probably wouldn’t understand Christy, you’re too pure and innocent.

Christy: Maybe… sounds more like a police code or something

Mike: lol, ya, that’s it. “This is the dispatcher, what is your status”

Joe: lol “We have a 69 in progress at the overpass, Officer needs assistance”

Mike: “Move in! Move in! Officer has gone down, repeat, Officer has gone down!

Joe: “Someone better call the fire department, looks like we’ll need the Jaws of Life for this one!”

Christy: um.. why do i get the feeling i’ve started something horrible? o.O

The Ring

My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods.

We’ve discovered that when I’m in a good mood it turns green.

But when I’m in a bad mood it leaves a big red mark on his forehead.

Maybe next time the cheap bastard will buy me a diamond!

Who Says Teenagers Are Dumb

A teenage boy with spiked hair, a nose ring, and baggy clothes was overheard telling a friend, “I don’t really like to dress like this, but it keeps my parents from dragging me everywhere with them.”

WICOE
(Women In Charge Of Everything)

Is proud to announce the opening of its EVENING CLASSES FOR MEN!
OPEN TO MEN ONLY ALL ARE WELCOME

Note: due to the complexity and level of difficulty, each course will accept a maximum of eight participants

The course covers two days, and topics covered in this course include:

DAY ONE

HOW TO FILL ICE CUBE TRAYS
Step by step guide with slide presentation

TOILET ROLLS- DO THEY GROW ON THE HOLDERS?
Roundtable discussion

DIFFERENCES BETWEEN LAUNDRY BASKET & FLOOR
Practicing with hamper (Pictures and graphics)

DISHES & SILVERWARE; DO THEY LEVITATE/FLY TO KITCHEN SINK OR DISHWASHER BY THEMSELVES?
Debate among a panel of experts.

REMOTE CONTROL
Losing the remote control – Help line and support groups

LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS
Starting with looking in the right place Instead of turning the house upside down while screaming – Open forum

DAY TWO

EMPTY MILK CARTONS; DO THEY BELONG IN THE FRIDGE OR THE BIN?
Group discussion and role play

HEALTH WATCH;
BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH
PowerPoint presentation

REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST
Real life testimonial from the one man who did

IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY AS SHE PARALLEL PARKS?
Driving simulation

LIVING WITH ADULTS; BASIC DIFFERENCES BETWEEN YOUR MOTHER AND YOUR PARTNER
Online class and role playing

HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION
Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques

REMEMBERING IMPORTANT DATES & CALLING WHEN YOU’RE GOING TO BE LATE
Bring your calendar or PDA to class

GETTING OVER IT; LEARNING HOW TO LIVE WITH BEING WRONG ALL THE TIME
Individual counselors available

The Ultimate Easter Prank

What, Don’t You Like My Legs?

1930′s Ad – Stop Thinking Dirty That’s What They Used To Call Cigarettes

Are You Sure It’s My Turn?

I Always Wondered How They Made Those Things

Never Underestimate The Stupidity Of The Criminal Mind

For The Last Time Kid I’m Not Going To Sell You Another One Till You Pay Me For The Last Two!

Movies We Hope We Never See – I Don’t Want To Know What Those Old Guys Did With The Nuns

Take That PETA!

If This Doesn’t Scare The Crows Away Nothing Will