Roseanne Roseannadanna on King Tut – SNL

Delivery

UPS: “Your package is in your city, on a truck driven by Mike. It will arrive at 6:27pm today.”

FedEx: “Your package is coming. You’ll get it when we get there.”

USPS: “What package?”

Amazon: “We are already inside your residence. Check the bathroom.”

Facebook: “We know you were thinking about getting a toaster oven yesterday. Here are 20 ads for toaster ovens.”

Bad Dating Advise

Ok y’all how do I ask a boy out?

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Guess what, my bed
Has room for two

OH MY GOD NO

Twinkle twinkle little star
We can do it in a car

STOP IT
Row, row, row your boat
Gently down the stream
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily
I can make you scream

I feel like the last one is verging dangerously into serial killer territory

Epic One Liners

1) My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
2) We have enough gun control. What we need is idiot control.
3) I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
4) Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
5) A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
6) My psychiatrist told me I was crazy, and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too.
7) Hospitality: making your guests feel like they’re at home, even if you wish they were.
8) Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
9) I discovered I scream the same way whether I’m about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
10) I don’t trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn’t die.
11) I should’ve known it wasn’t going to work out between my ex-wife and me. After all, I’m a Libra and she’s a bitch.
12) I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, “I’m going to mop the floor with your face.” I said, “You’ll be sorry.” He said, “Oh, yeah? Why?” I said, “Well, you won’t be able to get into the corners very well.”
13) Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen.
14) When in doubt, mumble.
15) I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.
16) There’s a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can’t get away.
17) A little boy asked his father, “Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?” Father replied, “I don’t know son, I’m still paying.”
18) Just remember…if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off.
19) I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not sure.
20) You’re never too old to learn something stupid.

I Need A New Cleaning Lady

I need a lady to come clean my house and to do it right!!!

I don’t like to speak badly about anyone but the lady I currently have is always tired gets distracted and I have caught her slacking on the job.

When she does the laundry, it takes her a few days because she forgets to take them out of the washer so she has to keep rewashing.

If it’s about ironing clothes, no way, she is not doing it! Instead, she puts them in the dryer

More than cleaning, she is always looking for what she can eat and she does the work slowly (reluctantly) and moves from room to
room without finishing any of the tasks she starts.

BTW, that lady is me!

Fun Things To Do In An Elevator

• If you are wearing a suit announce into the cuff, “yes, they’re all in position in the elevator”
• Shave
• When the elevator starts going up, jump up and down and say, “I said go DOWN!”
• When someone brushes against you say “Bad Touch! Bad Touch!”
• Brush invisible bugs off you’re arms and say “get them off! get them off!”
• Announce in a demonic voice say “Time to find a new host body”
• When the doors close say “Don’t worry they open back up again.”
• Laugh hysterically for five seconds then look at the other passengers like they’re crazy.
• Bring a water pistol soak everyone’s shoes.
• Crouch in the corner and growl menacingly at everyone who gets on.
• As you get off tell the other passengers “I’d get off NOW if I were you.”
• Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger, “Wanna see wah in my mouf?”
• Try to get a game of “Twister” going.
• Wrinkle your nose and smell the air repeatedly. Sniff at your neighbor suspiciously, give a disgusted frown, and take a step away.
• When the doors close look at the person next to you and yell, “Your nostrils, they’re like wind tunnels, SUCKING UP ALL MY AIR!” Then scream and collapse, and when the doors open get up and calmly walk out.

That’s About As Short As It Can Get

A teacher told the students to write a short story using as few words as possible.

The story had to include: Religion, Sexuality, and Mystery

Only one girl got an A+ for her paper, which read:

“Good God,
I’m pregnant.
I wonder whose it is.”

Things That Made My Toddler Cry This Week

- I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
- The bath was “too wet”
- He wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
- His sister “keeps looking at him”
- He wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)

Well, She Did Cure Him

A chemist walks into his shop to find a man leaning against the wall.

‘What’s wrong with him?’ he asks his assistant.

‘He came in for some cough syrup,’ the assistant explains. ‘But I couldn’t find any, so I sold him a bottle of laxatives instead.’

‘What!’ the chemist says, horrified. ‘You can’t treat a cough with laxatives!’

‘Of course you can,’ the assistant declares. ‘Look at him — he’s far too scared to cough.’

Ways To Annoy Your Parents

• MOO when they say your name.
• Run into walls.
• Say that wearing clothes is against your religion.
• Pluck someone’s hair out and yell, “DNA”.
• Have 20 imaginary friends that you talk to all the time.
• Jump Off the roof, trying to fly.
• Hold their hand and whisper to them, I see dead people.
• Everything they say yell, “Liar!!!”
• Try to swim in the floor.
• Say everything backwards.
• Put a lamp shade on your head yelling, “The sun is dying!!!”.
• Have nervous spasms at spontaneous times.
• Run in circles.
• Pretend to beat yourself up.
• Try and drink out of a glass the wrong way.
• Super glue your finger up your nose.
• Talk to a pen.
• Lay face down and chant “Why me why me really fast.”
• Put your ice cream cone on your head saying you’re a unicorn.
• Switch the light switch on and off a lot and then say, “Oh, I get it”
• Eat anything obviously not edible.
• Try to snorkel in your fish tank.
• Say “Mom/Dad” When they answer say “Oh never mind I forgot!” over and over till they scream!

Working In The Drive-Thru

Don’t blame me we have to ask now

Me: Would you like a hot wheels or barbie toy with your happy meal, ma’am?
Woman: Uh… it’s for a boy.
Me: Okay congratulations
Me: Do you want a hot wheels or barbie toy
Woman: I want a boy toy please
Me: Haha don’t we all
Woman:
Me:
Me: So do you want a hot wheels or barbie toy you have to choose?

Well They Have To Learn About Business Some Time

That’s Been My Whole Career

I Wouldn’t Risk It

Gee, I Wonder Who Did It?

But It Was The Only Space Left

How To Get Rid Of The Monster Under Your Bed

Just What Every Home Needs To Get Rid Of The Bodies

So That’s Why The Birth Rate Went Down

Shakespeare It Ain’t

Some Guys Should Really Use Burner Phones