Easter: A Scottish Three Year Old’s Take…

How To Know Your At A Republican Seder

10. They refuse to answer the four questions without a subpoena.
9. They demand a recount of the ten plagues.
8. They defend not increasing the minimum wage on the grounds that according to Chad Gadya it still costs only two zuzzimto buy a goat.
7. The afikomen is hidden in the Caymen Islands.
6. They refuse to open the door for Elijah until they see his immigration papers.
5. They attack Moses for negotiating a deal with Pharoah because why would we negotiate with our enemies?
4. They don’t understand why the Egyptians didn’t cure the plagues with hydroxychloroquine.
3. They omit the parts about slavery from the Haggadah because it reminds them of Critical Race Theory.
2. They keep saying “when do we get to the miracle of the Jewish space lasers?”
And the number one sign that you might be at a Republican seder:
1. They end the seder by singing “Next year in Mar-a-Lago.”
HAPPY PASSOVER

Happy Passover

The Two Minute Seder (for those with limited patience and/or restless kids)

Opening Prayers:

Thanks, God, for creating wine. (Drink wine.) Thanks for creating produce. (Eat parsley.)

Overview:

Once we were slaves in Egypt. Now we’re free. That’s why we’re doing this.

Four Questions:

1. What’s up with the matzoh?
2. What’s the deal with horseradish?
3. What’s with the dipping of the herbs?
4. What’s this whole slouching at the table business?

Answers To The Four Questions:

1. When we left Egypt, we were in a hurry. There was no time for making decent bread.
2. Life was bitter, like your grandmother’s horseradish.
3. It’s called symbolism.
4. Free people get to slouch.

A Funny Story:

Once, these five rabbis talked all night. Then it was morning.

(Note: Heat soup now)

The Four Kinds Of Children and How To Deal With Them:

Wise child – Explain Passover.
Simple child – Explain Passover slowly.
Silent child – Explain Passover loudly.
Wicked child – Browbeat in front of the relatives.

Speaking Of Children:

We hid some matzoh. Whoever finds it gets five bucks.

The Story Of Passover:

It’s a long time ago. We’re slaves in Egypt. Pharaoh is a nightmare — a real yutz, as it were. We cry out for help. God brings plagues upon the Egyptians. We escape, bake some matzoh. God parts the Red Sea.

We make it through; the Egyptians aren’t so lucky. We wander forty years in the desert, eat manna, get the Torah, wind up in Israel, get a new temple, enjoy several years without being persecuted again.

(Note: Let brisket cool now.)

The 10 Plagues: Blood, Frogs, Lice, you name it.

The Singing Of “Dayenu:”

If God had gotten us out of Egypt and not punished our enemies, it would’ve been enough. If he’d punished our enemies and not parted the Red Sea, it would’ve been enough. If he’d parted the Red Sea … etc.

(Note: Remove gefilte fish from refrigerator now)

Eat matzoh. Drink more wine. Slouch.

Thanks again, God, for everything.

SERVE MEAL

Now I’m Assuming That They Really Didn’t Mean For It To Come Out This Way

Here are some actual sentences found in church bulletins and newsletters:

• Don’t let worry kill you. Let the Church help.
• Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
• The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer
• This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south and north ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
• Wednesday, the Ladies Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs. Jones will sing “Put Me In My Little Bed” accompanied by the pastor.
• Thursday at 5pm there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become Little Mothers, please see the minister in his private study.
• This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.
• The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement Friday.
• A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
• At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be “What is Hell?” Come early and listen to our choir practice.
• Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. at First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
• Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to the church secretary.
• Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
• Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes.
• The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.
• Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
• The associate minister unveiled the church’s new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: “I Upped My Pledge – Up Yours”

Twas The Night After Seder

Twas the night after Seder, and all through the house
Nothing would fit me, not even a blouse.
The fish and the kugel, (oh my, what a taste)
After both the Sedarim, went straight to my waist.

When I got on the scale, I couldn’t believe it!
The treadmill and bicycle wouldn’t relieve it.
I remembered the marvelous meals I prepared;
The light airy matzah balls everyone shared.

The brisket, the turkey, the tzimmes so sweet;
Oy, let me recline and get off of my feet.
I know we made kiddish and recited each plague,
But right now I’m foggy, and my memory is vague.

So, don’t give me mat-zoh, chopped liver or wine
I’ll do my aerobics and never more dine.
I’m walking to shul, so what if it’s far?
I’m not even thinking of taking the car.

What The Engineers Say And What They Really Mean

“A number of different approaches are being tried”
We’re still grasping at straws

“We’re working on a fresh approach to the problem”
We just hired three kids fresh out of college

“Close project coordination”
We know who to blame

“Major technological breakthrough”
It works OK, but looks very high-tech

“Customer satisfaction upon delivery is assured”
We are so far behind schedule the customer is happy to get it delivered

“Preliminary operational tests were inconclusive”
The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch

“Test results were extremely gratifying”
We are so surprised that the stupid thing works

“The entire concept will have to be abandoned”
The only person who understood the thing quit

“It is in process”
It is so wrapped up in red tape that the situation is hopeless

“We’ll look at it”
Forget it! We have enough problems for now

“Please read and initial”
Let’s spread the responsibility for the mistake

“Give us the benefit of your thoughts”
We’ll listen to what you have to say as long as it doesn’t interfere with what we’ve already done

“Give us your interpretation”
I can’t wait to hear this!

“See me” or “Let’s discuss”
Come into my office, I’m lonely

“All new!”
Parts not interchangeable with the previous design

“Rugged”
Too heavy to lift

“Lightweight”
Lighter than rugged

“Years of development”
One finally worked

“Energy saving”
Achieved when the power switch is off

“Low maintenance”
Impossible to fix if broken

The Poison Wife

A man goes to see his Rabbi.

“Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it.”

The Rabbi asks, “What’s wrong?”

The man replied, “My wife is poisoning me.”

The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, “How can that be?”

The man then pleads, “I’m telling you I’m certain she’s poisoning me, what should I do?”

The Rabbi then offers, “Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I’ll see what I can find out and I’ll let you know.”

The next day the Rabbi calls the man and says, “Well, I spoke to your wife on the phone yesterday for over three hours. You want my advice?”

The man anxiously answers, “Yes.”

“Take the poison,” says the Rabbi.

Ways To Annoy The Guy In The Next Stall In A Public Bathroom

1. Stick your open palm under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, “May I borrow a highlighter?”
2. Say, “Uh oh, I knew I shouldn’t have put my lips on that.”
3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.
4. Say, “Damn, this water’s cold.”
5. Drop a marble and say, “Oh shit! My glass eye!”
6. Say, “Hmmm, I’ve never seen that color before.”
7. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from a height of 6 feet.
8. Sigh relaxingly.
9. Say, “Now how did that get there?”
10. Say, “Humus. Reminds me of humus.”
11. Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling, “Whoa! Easy boy!”
12. Say, “Interesting… more floaters than sinkers.”
13. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop the wad under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say, “Whoops, could you kick that back over here please?”
14. Say, “C’mon Mr. Happy! Don’t fall asleep on me.”
15. Fill a balloon with creamed corn. Rush into the stall with your hand over your mouth and let out a lengthy vomit impression while you squeeze the balloon and splatter cream corn all about. Apologize profusely and blame it on the fettuccine alfredo you had for breakfast.
16. Say, “Boy, that sure looks like a maggot.”
17. Say, “Damn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?”
18. Play a well known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks.
19. Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your “Cross-Dressers Anonymous” newsletter on the floor visible to the adjacent stall.
20. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall, adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, “Peek-a-boo!”
21. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing “Born Free”.

Gossip Backlash

The town gossip (and supervisor of the town’s morals) recently accused a local man of being an alcoholic because she saw his pickup truck parked outside the town’s only bar.

The man stared at her for a moment, said nothing, and walked away.

Later that evening, he parked his pickup truck in front of her house and left it there all night.

You Know It’s Going To Be A BAD DAY When…

1. You wake up face down on the pavement.
2. You jump out of bed in the morning and miss the floor.
3. You turn on the morning news, and they’re showing emergency routes out of your city.
4. Your bar of Ivory soap sinks.
5. You put both contact lenses in the same eye.
6. The bird singing outside your window is a vulture.
7. Your horn gets stuck when you’re following a group of Hell’s Angels on the freeway.
8. You get to work and there’s a 60 Minutes news team waiting in your outer office.
9. Your four-year-old wakes you up with the news that it’s almost impossible to flush a grapefruit down the toilet.
10. Your boss tells you not to bother to remove your coat.
11. Your pet rock snaps at you.
12. Your twin sister forgets your birthday.
13. You wake up to discover that your waterbed broke, and then realize that you don’t have a waterbed.
14. Your income tax refund check bounces.
15. Your doctor tells you that you’re allergic to chocolate.
16. Your blind date turns out to be your ex-spouse.

Genie!

A woman strolling along the beach found an old bottle washed up by the surf. She rubbed it and out popped a genie. Amazed, she asked if she got three wishes.

The genie said, “Nope, sorry, three-wish genies are a storybook myth. I’m a one-wish genie. So…What’ll it be?”

The woman did not hesitate. She said, “I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other and I want all the Arabs to love the Jews and Americans and vice-versa. It will bring about world peace and harmony.”

The genie looked at the map and exclaimed, “Lady, please be reasonable. These people have been at war for as long as they’ve been around. I’m out of shape after being in a bottle for nine hundred years. I’m good but not THAT good! I don’t think it can be done. Make another wish and please be reasonable.”

The woman thought for a minute and said, “Well, I’ve never been able to find the right man. You know – one that’s considerate and fun, likes to cook and help with the house cleaning, is great in bed and gets along with my family, doesn’t watch sports all the time, and is faithful. That is what I wish for…a good man.”

The genie let out a long, deep sigh and said, “Let me see that damned map again”

And A Few Glasses Of Wine

If Only He Had Asked For Directions

Most Guys Would Convert Just For That

But They Were Already Hard Boiled I Swear!

That’s The First Tattoo I’ve Ever Seen That Actually Makes Sense

Who Wouldn’t Want That?

That’s Against The Law Now?

But Boss I Don’t Think It’s Really Safe

WHY IS THIS SO HARD!!!

Still Cool AF