The Hedge

Stephen Fry introduces his favorite clip with Hugh Laurie

The Genius Of Steven Wright

1. I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
2. Borrow money from pessimists — they don’t expect it back.
3. Half the people you know are below average.
4. 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5. 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
7. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
8. If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.
9. All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.
10. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
11. I almost had a psychic girlfriend, ….. But she left me before we met.
12. OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
13. How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
14. If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
15. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
16. When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
17. Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
18. Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.

Photo Trap

A motorist gets caught in an automated speed trap that photographs his car.

He later receives a ticket in the mail for $40 with a photo of his car.

Instead of payment, he sends the police department a photograph of $40.

A few days later, he gets a letter from the police department with a picture of handcuffs.

How Do You Say It?

English…..I Love You
Spanish…..Te Amo
French…..Je T’aime
German…..Ich Liebe Dich
Japanese….Ai Shite Imasu
Italian…..Ti Amo

Redneck…..Nice Tits

Memorable Password

Always choose a memorable password!

A lady helps her husband install a new computer. Once it is completed, she tells him to select a password, selecting a word that he’ll always remember.

When the computer asks him to enter it he looks at his wife and with a macho gesture and a wink of his eye he selects the word ‘mypenis’.

As he hits “Enter” to validate the selection, his wife collapses and rolls on the floor in laughter!!!

The computer had replied: TOO SHORT- ACCESS DENIED

If Sex Were A Crime How Long Would You Be Locked Up?

Have nudes on your phone-3yrs
Sex In Shower-2yrs
Sex in car-2yrs
Sex in bed neither of you owned – 5yrs
Sex with the lights on – 2yrs
Sex in the dark- 1yr
Sex in public – 4yrs
Sex Outside- 3yrs
Sex with food- 3yrs
Sex with toys- 2yrs
Sex while drunk- 3yrs
Sex while high- 3yrs
Sex with friend- 4yrs
Sex with a stranger- 5yrs
3some or moresome – 4yrs
Sex with same sex – 3yrs
Sex with someone off limits – 5yrs
Sex with your ex – 3yrs
Sex before 18 – 3yrs
Own sex toy s- 3yrs
Watch porn – 1yr
Made a sex tape – 5yrs

So How Old Are You Again?

A good response to the question “how old are you?” is something along the lines of “dunno I stopped counting after the first few centuries”.

And it needs to be said seriously without smiling or humor or as casually as possible and followed by “so anyway” and a subject change as if it’s completely normal.

I did this once and my friend, without missing a single beat, turns around and says “For the last time, you’re 1,206. Why I even bother…”

Things You Can Say During Sex And At A Drive Thru Window

• No sausage please
• That’ll be all
• I want my money back
• Can I get it with whip cream?
• The customer is always right.
• I want a refund.
• Its finger lickin good
• Any sauce for you?
• I’ll take a number 2
• Have a good evening.
• This looks nothing like the pictures
• Supersize me please!
• I’d like to pay for the next guy
• I spilled all over your lap!
• How much extra?…Okay
• Come around to the other window
• Maybe some extra sauce!
• Extra napkins please, this is gonna get messy
• Here’s 20 bucks I’m going to leave now
• I’ll just come in
• Would you like mayo with that
• Thank you for the great service

Weight Loss Program

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 5lbs weight loss program.

The next day, there’s a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.
She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, “If you can catch me, you can have me.”

Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later puffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 5lbs as promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5-day/l0lbs program. The next day there’s a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen In his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, “If you catch me you can have me”.
Well, he’s out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.
Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 10lbs as promised.

He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/25lbs program.
“Are you sure?” asks the representative on the phone. ‘This is our most rigorous program.” “Absolutely,” he replies, “I haven’t felt this good in years.”

The next day there’s a knock at the door, and when he opens it, he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, “If I catch you, you are mine.”

He lost 33lbs that week.

Things You Don’t Want To Hear On A First Date

• Come and take a ride in my big white van with no windows. Oh, and don’t mind the duck tape, shovel, or the big knife
• You’re not as easy as your sister
• Are you immune to warts?
• Does this look infected?
• Man, this burns…
• Dose this smell like chloroform to you?
• How’s your mom?
• You know what herpes is, right?
• Can you pass me that roll of duct tape?
• So, what’s wrong with you?
• I think I love you.
• You’d like my wife/husband.
• You’ll definitely have to smoke more weed if you hang out with me.
• How many people have you slept with on Ok Cupid?
• You remind me of my mom.
• You’re not the type of person I usually go for.
• Do you want to go to a strip club?

What To Say After Tripping In Public

After falling over in public, I saw a guy staring at me.

So, I got up and wandered past him muttering “too many legs, this body has too many legs, must fix that in the next phase”.

Look on his face was fucking priceless.

I AM NOT THAT OLD!!!

Place You Bets!

Or, Be Careful What You Wish For…She Just Might Give It To You

I Am Not Getting Those For Your Barbies And That’s Final!

He’s Actually 26 And He’s Special

Who Ok’d This?

Even Super Heroes Can Be Assholes

Definition Of U.S. Health Care

And Were All Very Proud

Rich Or Poor Your Still The Same Schmuck