This Party Took A Turn For The Douche – By Garfunkel And Oates

The Uber Sign We Always Hope To See

Welcome To Cameron’s car!!!

To ensure the best ride possible for you. I have prepared a menu of the various types of rides I otter. Just choose one (or don’t, that’s an option too) then sit back, relax and enjoy the ride

1) The Awkward Ride – You ignore this menu completely then we sit in for the remainder of the ride
2) The Funny Ride – I tell you jokes or embarrassing stories from my life
3) The Silent Ride -
4) The Creepy Ride – I don’t say anything but I keep staring at you in review mirror
5) The Karaoke Ride – We rock out to hits from the 80′s, early 2000′s literality whatever you want
6) The Bubbles Ride – We blow bubbles the whole time
7) The Small Talk Ride – We talk about how crazy the weathers been lately and I ask if you caught the game last night
8) The Therapy Ride – You vent to me about your problems and I listen
9) The Drunk Ride – You throw up in my car
10) The Cliche Ride – You ask me how long I’ve been driving for

Just In Case You’re A Klutz

If you ever fall over in public, pick yourself up and say,

“Sorry it’s been a while since I inhabited a body”

And just walk away.

Idiots Everywhere

My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the individual behind the counter for “minimal lettuce. “He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.

Buffalo Channel 4 News on October 20th,1999 informed its captivated audience that when selling their computer, the best way to erase the files on your computers hard drive is by drilling a hole in the drive itself! “By drilling a hole in the drive itself, you make it impossible for the new owner to get your files.” No fu(king kidding, idiot!

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate, when the airport employee asked, “Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?” I said, “If it was without my knowledge, how would I know? “He smiled and nodded knowingly, “That’s why we ask.”

The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it is safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged co-worker of mine, when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals to blind people when the light is red. She responded, appalled, “What on earth are blind people doing driving?”

At a good-bye lunch for an old and dear coworker who is leaving the company due to “downsizing,” our manager spoke up and said, “this is fun. We should have lunch like this more often.” Not another word was spoken. We just looked at each other like deer staring into the headlights of an approaching truck.

I worked with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the life of her could not understand why her system would not turn on.

A friend of mine and I were on a little road trip with his wife driving. Everything was pretty quiet when she turned to us and asked, “If you are driving 70mph, about how far would you go in an hour?” Oh yeah, she’s a smart one.

Calling the telecommunication company to inform them my phone didn’t work and that when I picked up the receiver its completely dead, the technician said from the other end “Are you calling from the number of the phone that does not work?”

I had twenty-seven great guys that I worked with at one time and this one had used every excuse for being out a day or two a month. Then one morning he topped them all. As I answered the phone he said, “Jim, I’ve locked myself in the house and can’t get out”. True story.

I Went to McDonalds, told the kid I wanted a half-dozen chicken nuggets. She said she couldn’t do that, they only came 6, 9, or 20.

Are Computers Male Or Female

A professor for a computer science course split up his class with men on one side and women on the other and they had to figure out Is a computer a man or a women?

The men answered that they’re female because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic
2. When computers communicate with each other only themselves and experts can understand them
3. Every mistake you make is saved on the hard drive for future retrieving
4. As soon as you buy one you spend half of your paycheck buying accessories for it

The women answered that they’re male because:

1. In order to get their attention you have to turn them on
2. They have a lot of data but still can’t think for themselves
3. They’re supposed to help solve problems but half of the time they are the problem
4. As soon as you buy one you realize that if you would’ve waited a little longer you could’ve gotten a better model

More Business Rules

1. Don’t be irreplaceable – if you can’t be replaced, you won’t be promoted.
2. After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.
3. The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.
4. You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
5. Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you for the rest of the day.
6. When bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.
7. If at first you don’t succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
8. There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.
9. Everything can be filed under ‘miscellaneous’.
10. Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of the cocktail hour.
11. To err is human, to forgive is not our policy.
12. Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn’t the work he/she is supposed to be doing.
13. If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.
14. You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.
15. If it wasn’t for the last minute, nothing would get done.
16. At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.
17. When you don’t know what to do, walk fast and look worried

Seniors Definitely Need There Own Words

Here is a new word to add to your vocabulary.
It will be especially useful to us senior folks!

Exhaustipated: Just too tired to give a shit.

Some Cops Really Do Have A Sense Of Humor

1. “You know, stop lights don’t come any redder than the one you just went through.”
2. “Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they’re new. They’ll stretch after you wear them a while.”
3. “If you take your hands off the car, I’ll make your birth certificate a worthless document.” (My Favorite)
4. “If you run, you’ll only go to jail tired.”
5. “Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that’s the speed of the bullet that’ll be chasing you.”
6. “You don’t know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?”
7. “Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don’t think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I’m the shift supervisor?”
8. “Warning! You want a warning? OK, I’m warning you not to do that again or I’ll give you another ticket.”
9. “The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?”
10. “Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs”.
11. “Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.”
12. “In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC.” (National Crime Information Center)
13. “Just how big were those ‘two beers’ you say you had?”
14. “No sir, we don’t have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we’re allowed to write as many tickets as we want.”
15. “I’m glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail.”

AND THE WINNER IS….

16. “You didn’t think we give pretty women tickets? You’re right, we don’t. Sign here.”

Freudian Slip

Guy says to his friend “I had the worst Freudian slip today. I mean to ask the girl at the deli for a tart, but I asked her for a tit instead.”

His friend responds “I know exactly how you feel. The other day I meant to ask my wife to pass the salt but instead I said “You horrible bitch, you ruined my life!”.

Relationship Definitions

ATTRACTION: the act of associating horniness with a particular person.

LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT: what occurs when two extremely horny, but not entirely choosy people meet.

DATING: the process of spending enormous amounts of money, time, and energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you don’t especially like in the present and will learn to like a lot less in the future.

BIRTH CONTROL: avoiding pregnancy through such tactics as swallowing special pills, inserting a diaphragm, using a condom, and dating repulsive men or spending time around children.

EASY: a term used to describe a woman who has the sexual morals of a man.

PRIG: a term used to describe a woman who wants to stay virgin until married.

EYE CONTACT: a method utilized by a single woman to communicate to a man that she is interested in him.
Despite being advised to do so, many woman have difficulty looking a man directly in the eyes, not necessarily due to the shyness, but usually due to the fact that a woman’s eyes are not located in her chest.

FRIEND: a member of the opposite se x in your acquaintance who has some flaw that makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing sexually.

INDIFFERENCE: a woman’s feelings towards a man, which is interpreted by the man as “playing hard to get.”

INTERESTING: a word a man uses to describe a woman who lets him do all the talking.

IRRITATING HABIT: what the endearing little qualities that initially attract two people to each other turn into after a few months together.

LAW OF RELATIVITY: how attractive a given person appears to be is directly proportional to how unattractive your date is.

NYMPHOMANIAC: a man’s term for a woman who wants to have se x more often than he does.

FRIGID: a man’s term for a woman who wants to have se x less often than he does, or who requires more foreplay than lifting her nightgown.

SOBER: condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love.

NAG: a man’s term for a woman who wants more from her life with him than just intercourse.

PUSSY WHIPPED: when a man compromises his regular habits for a woman, for the purpose of getting se x.

DICKMATIZED: when a woman associates any words, items or random thought with the love of a penis. And/or, when a woman is in a hypnotic trance, because of the quality of the se x.

The Market Will Always Decide Whats Best

Puppies aren’t separated from their moms for months. Less than that is thought of as harmful or abusive.

One of the most common lengths of US paid family leave is 6 weeks.

So yes, when we “let the market decide”on parental leave, “the market” treats people worse than dogs.

Just Too Real

All Doctors Need These…Especially In Pink

This Whole Fusion Craze Has Gotten Out Of Hand

But Of Course Were The Only Ones That Are Gods Children

It’s All A Mater Of Perspective

Maybe If He Was Driving Through Colorado

MOVE!!!

Please Don’t Bring Him Back

She Needs To Tell Those Guys To Get Back In The Kitchen And Make Her A Damn Sandwich

What? It’s Not Like We Were Related