If Relationships Had Contracts

Female English Vs. Male English

Female English

Yes = No
No = Yes
May-b = No
“It’s your decision” = The correct decision should be obvious by now!
“Do what u want” = You’ll pay 4 this later!
We need to talk” = I need to bitch.
“Sure……Go ahead” = I don’t want you too.
“I’m not upset” = Of course I’m upset, u stupid moron!
“How much do you love me?” = I did something today your not going like me for.
“Is my butt fat?” = Tell me I’m beautiful.
“You have to learn to communicate!” = Just agree with me.
“Are you listening to me?” = Too late, you’re dead!

Male English

“I’m hungry” = I’m hungry
“I’m sleepy” = I’m sleepy
“I’m tired “= I’m tired
“Do you want to go to a movie?” = I’d eventually like to have sex with you.
“Can I take you to dinner?” = I’d eventually like to have sex with you.
“Can I call you sometime?” = I’d eventually like to have sex with you.
“May I have this dance?” = I’d eventually like to have sex with you.
“Nice dress” = Nice cleavage.
“You look tensed, let me give you a massage” = I want to fondle you.
“What’s wrong? “= What meaningless self inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?
“What’s wrong?” = I guess sex tonight is out of the question.
“I’m bored” = Do you want to have sex?
“I love you” = Let’s have sex right now.
“I love you too” = Okay I said it we’d better have sex now!
“Let’s talk” = I am trying’ to impress you by shown that I’m a deep person and maybe then you’d like to have sex with me!
“Will you marry me?” = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys.

A New Wine Taster

The wine taster at an old vineyard died. A homeless guy, looking ragged and dirty, came to apply. He persuaded the manager to give him a try.

The guy was given a glass of wine. He swirled, smelled, sipped, and spit.

“It’s a red wine, Merlot, three years old, grown on the South Slope and matured in oak barrels.” He said.

“Impressive,” said the manager.

The man is given another.

“Still a red wine, Cabernet, eight years old, from the Northeast slope, stored in steel vats.”

The manager was amazed.

He winked at his secretary.

The secretary understood and brought out a glass of urine.

The drunkard tasted it and said.

“It’s a blonde, 27 years old, three months pregnant, and if I don’t get this job, I’ll tell who the father is!”

Company Car

A funny perspective look at how we or how some people actually drive a Company car.
The company car is unique, its special and its unlike any other car that you will ever drive for the following reason……Its not yours!

SPEED
They can travel at higher speeds in any gear, especially reverse.
The acceleration rate is stupendous.
They can negotiate speed bumps twice as fast as a private car.

MAINTENANCE
They are self maintaining as regards fluid levels because they never really need to be checked as often, if at all.
The super tough bodywork can take any amount of damage.
They don’t need to be cleaned as often, inside or out.
All repairs can be carried out with the cheapest after-sales spares available.

SECURITY
They can be left unlocked anywhere any time no worries.
They can be left with the keys in the ignition.
They don’t need to be garaged at night.
Visible theft deterrents such as steering wheel locks are never needed.
Locking wheel nuts or any anti-theft devices also need not be employed.

CONTROLS
The window winders can be wrenched round at any speed.
Gear levers can be grabbed and rammed home into gear with no incurring damage.
Clutch pedals can be side stepped so it smacks up faster for that quick pull away.
The clutch can also be ‘slipped’ on hills instead of applying the hand brake to hold the car in place. Company car clutches are super duper and never ever wear out….magic!

BODYWORK
The bumpers are specially designed to move annoying obstacles like shopping trolleys, boxes, waste bins etc.
The paint is impervious to all scratches.
Cracks in the glass can be ignored.
Doors can be slammed very hard.

INTERIOR
The floor is shaped just like an ash tray…..amazing!
They can carry anything on the seats, bricks, animals, concrete, tool boxes.
The upholstery is totally impervious to cigarette ash, make-up, burns, burger sauces of any variety, oil, petrol and grease.
Ancillary electrical items can be forced into the cigar lighter socket with no damage.
The radio’s controls can be jabbed hard with no damage.
The floor mats can also serve to wipe mud of your shoes.

DRIVING
You can drop into a lower gear at higher speeds.
You can hold a lower gear at higher speeds before changing up, consequently the engine can be over revved easily.
They can be driven up to and over 100 miles with the oil warning light on.
The suspension is reinforced to allow the transportation of heavy building materials.
The turning radius is much tighter.
Unusual engine noises can be ignored indefinitely.
You don’t need to let the engine get up to temperature before you floor it.
They can be driven through deep puddles faster, for that bigger splash effect.
The car can be driven over rough road surfaces including pot holes at normal speed or faster.

BRAKES
They can brake in half the distance.
Hand brakes can be left partially on whilst pulling away.
Hand brakes can also assist in spinning the car around ‘J’ turn style at high speed.

WHEELS & TIRES
The tires are designed to bounce off all obstacles, with special side wall reinforcement segments to protect from scraping.
Making doughnuts…or shaped skid marks through excessive wheel spins is easily accomplished with no damage to transmission or any other part.
Wheel spins can be accomplished with no wear to the tires of course.

PARKING
When parked on a hill just put it into gear and leave it.
Handbrakes can be pulled up to their extremities.
You can park anywhere, grass verges, muddy banks, areas covered in trash.
You can park into spaces for much smaller cars with ease.

A Woman’s Four Favorite Animals

Q: What are a woman’s four favorite animals?

A: A mink in the closet, a Jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bedroom and an ass to pay for it all.

Definition of Outdoor Barbecuing

It’s the only type of cooking a “real” man will do. When a man volunteers to do such cooking, the following chain of events is put into motion.

(1) The woman goes to the store.
(2) The woman fixes the salad, vegetables, and dessert.
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils, and takes it to the man, who is lounging beside the grill.
(4) The man places the meat on the grill.
(5) The woman goes inside to set the table and check the vegetables.
(6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning.
(7) The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman.
(8) The woman prepares the plates and brings them to the table.
(9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
(10) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed “her night off.” And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there’s just no pleasing some women.

Free Cats

Cats are cool because you don’t have to buy them. You see them on the street, take them home — they’re yours. You ain’t never seen a cat being bought out of a pet store. They just sit in the pet store. They’re under there like, ‘Meow,’ and you be looking at them like, ‘Oh they’re so cute. Let’s go find one like that.’

Milestones

Age 18: You can vote.
Age 21: You can drink.
Age 25: You can rent a car.
Age 35: You can settle for someone you don’t love.

How Did They Come Up With That Name?

Scientist: Dick Bug

Other Scientist: No

Scientist: Penis Beetle

Other Scientist: No

Scientist: Cock Roach

Other Scientist: ok sure

Real Excuse Notes From Parents

(With their original spelling)

1. My son is under a doctor’s care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.
2. Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
3. Dear School: Please excuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29,30, 31, 32, and also 33.
4. Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.
5. Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.
6. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
7. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.
8. Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.
9. Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.
10. Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
11. Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had (diahre) (dyrea) (direathe) the runs. [words in ()'s were crossed out.]
12. Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor.
13. Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.
14. Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father’s fault.
15. I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don’t know what size she wears.
16. Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.
17. Sally won’t be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.
18. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.
19. Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.
20. Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.
21. Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn’t the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.
22. Please excuse little Jimmy for not being in school yesterday. His father is gone and I could not get him ready because I was in bed with the doctor.

If My Dog Could Talk

Dog: WAT DOING
Me: Nothing. I just stood up.
Dog: WHERE GO
Me: I’m literally walking 3 feet away. I’m not even leaving the room.
Dog: CAN I COME
Me: I mean sure but I’m Iitera1y just…
Dog: I COME TOO
Dog: WAT DOING
Me: I need to open this door.
Dog: I HALP
Me: No but you ‘re in front of the door. Move please.
Dog: I HALP
Me: Sigh.
Dog: WHERE GOING
Me: I am going right back to the exact place I was sitting ago.
Dog: CAN I COME
Me: Sure.

Well, He Wasn’t Lying

Is Any Road Kill Ok Or Does It Have To Be Squirrel?

Modern Nursery Rhyme

Well Get Down And Jiggle With It

That Explains Why It’s Only Forty Bucks

Well I Thought It Was Pretty Cool

It’s All A Mater Of Perspective

No, No I Don’t

That’s Nice Of Them

Your A Lawyer Now Aren’t You?