50/50 by Garfunkel and Oates

Fun Things To Do To Freak People Out

• Walk through a store calling out Marco, and see how many Polos you get back.
• Write “Sorry for the damage to your car” and put it on random cars
• Do the invisible rope prank!
• Write, “I know where you live!” and put it on people’s mailboxes
• Wrap each other in bubble wrap then run into each other
• In a crowded area, shout ‘Heads Up!’ See how many people react
• Do a bonfire at the end of the school year and put all your homework in it
• Go into a supermarket and try to put items into people’s carts without them noticing!
• Dress up like a secret service agent and follow random people around.
• Smile at random people passing by and when they smile back, frown.

Notice To All Students

Leave the excuses at the door.

If you didn’t do your homework just admit it.

If you didn’t understand the assignment, ask for help.

If you didn’t study for the test, accept the grade and resolve to do better (with my help if necessary) next time.

If you refuse to follow my rules, accept the consequences.

This is not a democracy. This is MY classroom and I’m here:
TO TEACH YOU
TO INSPIRE YOU
TO HELP YOU GROW

I’ll do my part. The rest is up to you.

Nursery Rhymes Updated For The 21st Century

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall
The structure of the wall was incorrect
So he won ten grand with Claims Direct.

It’s raining, it’s pouring
Of course its global warming.

Jack and Jill went into town
To fetch some chips and sweeties
Now he can’t keep his heart rate down
And she’s got diabetes.

Georgie Porgie pudding and pie
Kissed the girls and made them cry
When the boys came out to play
He kissed them too coz he was gay.

Mary had a little lamb
It ran into a pylon
10,000 volts went up it’s arse
And tumed its wool to nylon.

Sad News

Please join me in remembering YET ANOTHER great icon of the entertainment community.

The Pillsbury Dough Boy died yesterday of a yeast infection and traumatic complications from repeated pokes to the belly. He was 71. Dough Boy is survived by his wife, Play Dough three children. John Dough, Jane Dough and Dili Dough, plus they had one in the oven.

Service were held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

The Rules Of Combat

(They never taught you)

1. You are not superman.
2. if it’s stupid, but it works, it’s not stupid.
3. Never draw fire. It irritates everyone around you.
4. When in doubt, empty the magazine.
5. Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than you.
6. Your weapon was made by the lowest bidder.
7. If you can’t remember, the claymore is pointed toward you.
8. All five-second grenade fuses last three seconds.
9. Try to look unimportant, they may be low on ammo.
10. The enemy diversion you’re ignoring is the main attack
11. If you’re short on everything except the enemy, you’re in combat.
12. Incoming fire has the right of way.
13. No combat ready unit ever passed inspection.
14. No inspection ready unit ever passed combat.
15. Teamwork is essential, it gives them other people to shoot at.
16. If the enemy is in range, so are you.
17. Tracers work both ways,
18. The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire.
19. Radios will fail as soon as you need fire support.
20. Intelligence is always wrong.

She Should Know Better Then To Ask Those Kids Of Questions

A teacher asked her class “What is sex?”

Johnny got up and said:
“Sex is a *temptation*,
caused by a *sensation*
where a boy sticks his *location*
into a girl’s *destination*
to increase the *population*
of the next *generation*.
Did you get my *explanation*?
Or do you need a *demonstration”?

The teacher fainted

Unavoidable Laws

These are the unavoidable laws of the natural universe

1. Law of mechanical repair: After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch, or you will have to pee.
2. Law of the workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
3. Law of probability: The probability of being watched’ is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
4. Law of the telephone: When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.
5. Law of the alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning or soon thereafter, you will have a flat tire.
6. Variation law: If you change lines or traffic lanes) the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now (happens every time)
7. Bath theorem: When the body is fully immersed in water or in the shower, the telephone rings
8. Law of close encounters: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you do not want to be seen with.
9. Law of the result: When you try to prove to someone that machine won’t work, it will.
10. Law of biomechanics: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
11. Theater rule: At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last
12. Law of coffee: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee your boss will ask you to do something, which will last until the coffee is cold.
13. Murphy’s law or lockers: If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
14. Law or dirty rugs/carpets: The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich of landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness, color and cost of the carpet/rug.
15. Law of location: No matter where you go, there you are.
16. Law or logical argument: Anything is possible if you don’t know what you are talking about.
17. Brown’s law: If the shoe fits, it’s ugly.
18. Oliver’s law: A closed mouth gathers no feet.
19. Wilson’s law: As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

So, I Got My Concealed Gun Permit Yesterday…

I went over to the local Bass Pro Shop to get a small 9mm pistol for home protection.

When I was ready to pay for the gun and bullets, the cashier said, “Strip down, facing me.”

Making a mental note to complain to the NRA about the gun control wackos running amok, I did just as she had instructed.

When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out she was referring to how I should place my credit card in the card reader!

I’ve been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.

They need to make their instructions to seniors a little clearer.

I still don’t think I looked that bad.

You Know You Are Getting Older When…

l. You and your teeth don’t sleep together.
2. You try to straighten out the in your socks and discover you aren’t wearing any.
3. At the breakfast table you hear snap, crackle. pop and you’re not eating cereal.
4. When you wake up looking like your driver’s license picture.
5. It takes two tries to get up from the couch.
6. When your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.
7. When happy hour is a nap.
8. When you’re on vacation and your ENERGY runs out before your money does.
10. When all you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of your age.
11. When you step off a curb & look down one more time to make sure the street is still there.
12. Your idea of weight lifting is standing up.
13. It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.
14. Your address book has mostly names that start with Dr.
15. You sit in a rocking chair and can’t get it going.
16. The pharmacist has become your new best friend.
17. The twinkle in your eye is merely a reflection from the sun on your bifocals.
18. It takes twice as long, to look half as good.
19. Everything hurts, and what doesn’t hurt, doesn’t work.
20. You look for your glasses for half an hour and they were on you head the whole time.

Why No, There’s No Double Standard Here

DATING STANDARDS FOR MEN:
6 pack, 6Ft, 6 inches, 6 Figures, ex thug that loves Jesus, hard worker but always available, strong yet sensitive, hard yet soft, a ladies man but loyal, no kids but wants a single mother.

STANDARDS FOR WOMEN:
Take me as I am…

Just In Time For Easter

I Always Wondered What Those Meant

This Sign Should Be Everywhere

Not All Of Them

Why Didn’t I Think Of That

Just To Make You Feel Better About Yourself

How To Know When You Need New Friends

Real Life Dwarves

How Did They Know?

Yeh, It Will Kill You, But Damn It Tastes Good!