Caesar – Mitchell and Webb

Cat Commandments

* Thou shall not sit in front of the television or monitor as thou are transparent.
* Thou shall not projectile vomit from the top of the refrigerator.
* Thou shall not walk in on a dinner party and commence licking thy butt.
* Thou shall not lie down with thy butt in thy human’s face.
* Thou shall not leap from great heights onto thy human’s genital region.
* Fast as thou are, thou cannot run through closed doors.
* Thou shall not reset thy human’s alarm clock by walking on it.
* Thou shall realize that the house is not a prison from which to escape at any opportunity.
* Thou shall not push open the bathroom door when there are guests in thy house.
* Thou shall remember that thou are a carnivore and that houseplants are not meat.

Don’t Mess With Moms

My son came home from school one day,
with a smirk upon his face.
He decided he was smart enough,
to put me in my place.

Guess what I learned in Civics Two,
that’s taught by Mr. Wright?
It’s all about the laws today,
The “Children’s Bill of Rights.”

It says I need not clean my room,
don’t have to cut my hair.
No one can tell me what to think,
or speak, or what to wear.

I have freedom from religion,
and regardless what you say,
I don’t have to bow my head,
and I sure don’t have to pray.

I can wear earrings if I want,
and pierce my tongue and nose.
I can read and watch just what I like,
get tattoos from head to toe.

And if you ever spank me,
I’ll charge you with a crime.
I’ll back up all my charges,
with the marks on my behind.

Don’t you ever touch me,
my body’s only for my use,
not for your hugs and kisses,
that’s just more child abuse.

Don’t preach about your morals,
like your Mama did to you.
That’s nothing more than mind control,
and it’s illegal too!

Mom, I have these children’s rights,
so you can’t influence me,
or I’ll call Children’s Services Division,
better know as C.S.D.

Of course my first instinct was
to toss him out the door.
But the chance to teach him a lesson
made me think a little more.

I mulled it over carefully,
I couldn’t let this go.
A smile crept upon my face,
he’s messing with a pro.

Next day I took him shopping
at the local Goodwill Store.
I told him, “Pick out all you want,
there’s shirts and pants galore.

I’ve called and checked with C.S.D.
who said they didn’t care,
if I bought you K-Mart shoes,
instead of those Nike Airs.

I’ve cancelled that appointment
to take your driver’s test.
The C.S.D. is unconcerned,
so I’ll decide what’s best.”

I said, “No time to stop and eat,
or pick up stuff to munch.
And tomorrow you can start to learn
to make your own sack lunch.

Just save the raging appetite,
and wait till dinner time.
We’re having liver and onions,
a favorite dish of mine.”

He asked, “Can I please rent a movie,
to watch on my VCR?”
“Sorry, but I sold your TV,
for new tires on my car.

I also rented out your room,
you’ll take the couch instead.
The C.S.D. requires
just a roof over your head.

Your clothing won’t be trendy now,
I’ll choose what we eat.
That allowance that you used to get,
will buy me something neat.

I’m selling off your jet ski,
dirt-bike and roller blades,
Check out the “Parents Bill of Rights,”
It’s in effect today!

Hey hot shot, are you crying,
why are you on your knees?
Are you asking God to help you out,
instead of C.S.D.?”

Fun Things to Do in a Final That Does Not Matter

1. Bring a pillow. Fall asleep until the last 15 minutes. Wake up, say, “oh geez, better get cracking,” and do some gibberish work. Turn it in a few minutes early.
2. Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming, “Andre, Andre, I’ve got the secret documents!!”
3. If it is a math/science exam, answer in essay form. If it is long answer/essay form, answer with numbers and symbols. Be creative. Use the integral symbol.
4. Make paper airplanes out of the exam. Aim them at the instructor’s left nostril.
5. Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud, debate your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out, “I’m SOOO sure you can hear me thinking.” Then start talking about what a jerk the instructor is.
6. Bring cheerleaders.
7. Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About five minutes into it, loudly say to the instructor, “I don’t understand ANY of this. I’ve been to every lecture all semester long! What’s the deal? And who the hell are you? Where’s the regular guy?”
8. Bring a Game Boy and play it with the volume at max level.
9. On the answer sheet find a new, interesting way to refuse to answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs. Be creative.
10. Bring pets.
11. Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a sigh of relief. Go to the instructor, say, “They’ve found me, I have to leave the country,” and run off.
12. Fifteen minutes into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out, “Merry Christmas.”
If you’re really daring, ask for another copy of the exam. Say you lost the first one. Repeat this process every fifteen minutes.
13. Do the exam with crayons, paint, or fluorescent markers.
14. Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on your head, and nothing else.
15. Come down with a BAD case of Turet’s Syndrome during the exam. Be as vulgar as possible.
16. Do the entire exam in another language. If you don’t know one, make one up! For math/science exams, try using Roman numerals.

How Did You Know I Was Drunk?

I woke up in a cell this morning and demanded to speak to the officer who arrested me the night before.

“Why was I arrested?” I asked furiously.

“Well you were driving under the influence of alcohol,” he replied.

“Oh really” I said, “Did you test me for alcohol?”

“No we didn’t test you sir.”

“So basically you just assumed I was drunk then.”

“No sir we were pretty sure you were drunk.”

“How so?” I asked.

“Well when we pulled you over, you ordered a double cheeseburger with fries from one of the officers.”

“That only proves I was high not drunk!”

Simple Truths

SIMPLE TRUTH 1
Lovers help each other undress before sex. However after sex, they always dress on their own.

Moral of the story: In life, no one helps you once you’re screwed.

SIMPLE TRUTH 2
When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch the stomach and say, “Congrats”. But, none of them come and touch the man’s penis and say, “Good job”.

Moral of the story: “Hard work is never appreciated.”

FIVE RULES TO REMEMBER IN LIFE

1. Money cannot buy happiness, but it’s more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than on a bicycle.
2. Forgive your enemy, but remember the ass-hole’s name.
3. Many people are alive only because it’s illegal to shoot them.
4. Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then neither does milk.
5. Condoms don’t guarantee safe sex. A friend of mine was wearing one, when he was shot by the woman’s husband.

No Arms Or Legs

The madam of a whore house hears the front door bell ring so she opens the door. When she sees that no one is there she starts to close the door and hears a guy say, “I’m down here”. Lying on the ground is a man with no arms or legs.

The madam says, “With out any arms or legs what do think you’re going to do here?”

The guy says, “I rang the door bell didn’t I.”

The Definition Of Alimony

1) A contraction of the term “all-his-money”.
2) A splitting headache.
3) It’s the screwing you get, for the screwing you got.
4) Paying for something you don’t get.
5) That’s the same as buying corn for somebody else’s cow.
6) The high cost of leaving.
7) The last laugh.
8) The wife cries and the judge wipes her tears with the husband’s checkbook.
9) Buying oats for a runaway horse.
10) A woman’s cash surrender value.
11) The billing minus the cooing.

Divorce: When your wife stops screwing you, and her lawyer starts.

Experience: What a man gets in exchange for alimony.

Marriage: Why make one man so miserable, when you can make so many, so happy.

What is the definition of a faithful husband? One who’s alimony checks arrive on time.

He is so rich, he is ahead in his alimony payments.

The Psychiatrist And The Proctologist

Best friends graduated from medical school at the same time and decided, that in spite of two different specialties, they would open a practice together to share office space and personnel.

Dr. Smith was the psychiatrist and Dr. Jones was the proctologist; they put up a sign reading: Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones: Hysterias and Posteriors. The town council was livid and insisted they change it.

The docs changed it to read: Schizoids and Hemorrhoids. This was also not acceptable so they again changed the sign to read Catatonics and High Colonics – no go. Next they tried Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives – thumbs down again.

Then came Minds and Behinds – still no good. Another attempt resulted in Lost Souls and Butt Holes – unacceptable again! So they tried Nuts and Butts – no way. Freaks and Cheeks – still no good. Loons and Moons – forget it. Almost at their wit’s end, the docs finally came up with:

Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones – Specializing in Odds and Ends.

Everybody loved it.

What My Parents Taught Me!

1. My Parents taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
“If you’re going to kill each other, do it outside… I just finished cleaning.”

2. My Parents taught me RELIGION.
“You better pray that will come out of the carpet.”

3. My Parents taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
“If you don’t straighten up, I’m going to knock you into the middle of next week!”

4. My Parents taught me LOGIC.
“Because I said so, that’s why.”

5. My Parents taught me MORE LOGIC.
“If you fall out of that swing & break your neck, you’re not going to the store with me.”

6. My Parents taught me FORESIGHT.
“Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you’re in an accident.”

7. My Parents taught me IRONY.
“Keep crying, and I’ll give you something to cry about.”

8. My Parents taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
“Shut your mouth and eat your supper”

9. My Parents taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
“Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!”

10. My Parents taught me about STAMINA.
“You’ll sit there until all that spinach is gone.”

11. My Parents taught me about WEATHER.
“This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.”

12. My Parents taught me about HYPOCRISY.
“If I told you once, I’ve told you a million times. Don’t exaggerate!”

13. My Parents taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
“I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.”

14. My Parents taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
“Stop acting like your father!”

15. My Parents taught me about ENVY.
“There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don’t have wonderful parents like you do.”

16. My Parents taught me about ANTICIPATION.
“Just wait until we get home.”

17. My Parents taught me about RECEIVING.
“You are going to get it when you get home!”

18. My Parents taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
“If you don’t stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way.”

19. My Parents taught me ESP.
“Put your sweater on; don’t you think I know when you are cold?”

20. My Parents taught me HUMOR.
“When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me.”

21. My Parents taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
“If you don’t eat your vegetables, you’ll never grow up.”

22. My Parents taught me GENETICS.
“You’re just like your father.”

23. My Parents taught me about my ROOTS.
“Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?”

24. My Parents taught me WISDOM.
“When you get to be my age, you’ll understand.”

And my favorite:
25. My Parents taught me about JUSTICE.
“One day you’ll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!”

Wise Italian Grandfather

Why Italian Fathers and Grandfathers pass their handguns down through the family.

An old Italian man is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside, Guido, I wan’ you lissina me. I wan’ you to take-a my chrome plated 38 revolver so you will always remember me.”

“But grandpa, I really don’t like guns. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?”

“You lissina me, boy. Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, losamoney, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos. ”

“Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed. with another man.
“Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, ‘times up’ “?

COOKIES!!!!

Be On The Lookout For…What The Hell!

If He Was This Smart Before, There Wouldn’t Be Anything To Find

The Perfect Gift

No, Left

But At Least You Had Cool Hallucinations

Those New Models Are Really Intuitive

So That’s What Makes It Better Then Home Depot

I’m Guessing There Just Fed Up Talking To Idiots

LETS GET READY TO RUMBLE!!!