The Town With No Phones

The Top Ten Signs That Someone Is Using Your E-mail Account

10. “Honey, why is an 18-wheeler from Amazon.com backing into our driveway?”
9. One Secret Service agent is sitting on your head while another is slapping cuffs on you.
8. Apparently, your flame war with DonCorleone@mafia.com is about to turn ugly.
7. When you log on, your computer says “You’ve got lawsuits!”
6. You’re suddenly getting more Spam than the Hormel outlet store.
5. Sotheby’s says the Rembrandt is yours and that you now owe them $71,000,000 and change.
4. You now have 130,000 ClubTop5 subscriptions and the list moderator is on the cover of Business Week.
3. Terse “Knock it off, Oedipus” e-mail from your Mom.
2. Your wife calls you at the office to report that Pogdi, your Pakistani mail-order bride, has arrived.
1. “The resistance welcomes your involvement. Your contact information has been forwarded to a local insurgent who will bring supplies and reinforcements to you immediately.”

Class Experiment

Four worms were placed in four separate test tubes:
1st in beer
2nd in wine
3rd in whiskey
4th in mineral water

The next day, the teacher shows the results:
The 1st worm in beer, dead.
The 2nd in wine, dead.
The 3rd in whiskey, dead.
The 4th in mineral water, alive and healthy.

The teacher asks the class, “What do we learn from this experience?”

And a child responds, “Whoever drinks beer, wine and whiskey, does not have worms.”

Send it to your friends so they do not have worms.

Food

These days, there’s only five basic food groups…canned, frozen, pizza, fast and carry-out

Those guys who fancy themselves gourmets…Really ain’t no more than a glutton in a tux

Did y’all ever notice that there are no recipes at all for leftover lobster?

With all the preservatives in processed food these days…isn’t it comforting to know most of it will outlive you.

About the only good thing I’ve noticed with liver is that you can always get all of it ya want

Did y’all ever eat dinner at a vegetarian’s home?
Hell, I get more nourishment biting my lip

The word “stressed” makes a lot more sense when you consider it’s “desserts” spelled backwards

Never eat anything where the list of ingredients is two columns long

Nowadays, we’re kept alive by half of the foods we eat and killed by the other half

One Chinese restaurant near me had food so bad…The fortune cookies all contained “Get Well” cards

Did ya ever wonder how the guy who developed Cottage Cheese knew when he was finished?

Contrary to popular belief in Ocean City New Jersey…Salt Water Taffy is not really seafood

Never mind marrying a girl who makes biscuits like her mother…Marry one who makes dough, like her father

Why is it that quarter-ounce of chocolate candy always equals four pounds of fat?

Don’t you believe for a minute that pork is “Fat Free”…You pay the same price for the fat as you do the meat

I could tell it was a “Kiss Off” dinner. The whole time, she looked at me as if I was a side dish she hadn’t ordered

Modern Do You Love Me?

I’ve been in a relationship with this guy for 2 years and recently I asked him if he loved me and he was a bit evasive. I tell him I love him every day but he’s never said it back. I feel like I do a LOT for him so idk am I being unreasonable?

Oh I should add I’m F(35) he’s M(2).

Jokes For The Husbands

Water in the carburetor
WIFE: “There is trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor.”
HUSBAND: “Water in the carburetor? That’s ridiculous”
WIFE: “I tell you the car has water in the carburetor.”
HUSBAND: “You don’t even know what a carburetor is. I’ll check it out.
Where’s the car?
WIFE: “In the pool”

THIS IS A FRIGHTENING STATISTIC, PROBABLY ONE OF THE MOST WORRYSOME IN RECENT YEARS.
25% of the women in this country are on medication for mental illness.
That’s scary. It means 75% are running around untreated.

HE MUST PAY
A husband and wife had a tiff. The wife called up her mom and said, “He fought with me again, I am coming to live with you.”
Mom said:
“No darling, he must pay for his mistake. I am coming to live with you.”

Today’s Short Reading from the Bible…
From Genesis:
“And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the earth.”
Then He made the earth round…and He laughed and laughed and laughed!

Texas Vs. Australia

A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking.

The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, “Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large”.

Then they walk around the ranch a little and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, ” We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows”.

The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos
hopping through the field.

He asks, “And what are those”?

The Aussie asks with an incredulous look, “Don’t you have any grasshoppers in Texas”?

StarTrek Taglines

• Who’s been roasting marshmallows in the Warp Drive?
• Be wewy wewy quiet… I’m hunting Womulins
• Borger King — your way is irrelevant
• Captain, I need to kill someone (Worf)
• Captain Kirk, you’re staring at my breasts again (Janis)
• Damn It Jim…I’m a Doctor not a Tagline writer!!!
• Dax: just another slug with a pretty face
• Ensign Expendable, see what’s behind that rock
• Give her to Riker…he’ll make love to anything
• Go Cry on someone else’s shoulder, I’m off-duty (Troi)
• He’s dead Jim…Grab his wallet…I’ll get his watch
• How do I set my phaser to tickle?
• I can’t believe it…I’ve heard of this disease (Beverly)
• I’m not Bajoran…Sisko punched me in the nose
• Mister Worf, show our guests to the airlock (Picard)
• Once again, Odo wins the Twister championship
• Scotty, hurry…beam me out of he@#$%^&*(……….NO CARRIER
• Set phasers to deep fry
• Stop that damn smirking Number One (Picard)
• Prime Directive, MY ASS…hit ‘em with everything we got!!!

That Makes Perfect Sense

“I tell ya, with me I get in trouble with little things. Like the last time I got a haircut, my wife told me it was terrible. I said to her, ‘Why is my haircut terrible?’ She said, ‘Why? Because it looks like you got a haircut.’ She says when you get a haircut, it’s not supposed to look like you got a haircut. She said, ‘Harry got a haircut. No one even knew that Harry got a haircut.’ I said, ‘Then how do you know Harry got a haircut?’ So now I got a new problem. Next week I’m due to get a haircut and I don’t want it to look like I got a haircut. So what I’m doing now is I’m trying to find a barber who don’t look like he’s a barber.”

Women Are So Difficult. Always Changing Their Minds.

At 18, they want handsome men.
At 25, they want mature men.
At 30, they want successful men.
At 40, they want established men.
At 50, they want faithful men.
At 60, they want helpful men.

Men are very simple … they never change their taste…for any changing condition in their lives.
At 18, they like pretty young girls.
At 25, they like pretty young girls.
At 30, they like pretty young girls.
At 40, they like pretty young girls.
At 50, they still like pretty young girls
At 60, still they like pretty young girls.
Even at 70 & 80 when they can barely move, they still like pretty young girls.

Dedicated to all Men for their disciplined behavior.

The Difference Between Guts & Balls

To those of you who are nit pickers about the meaning of words: There’s a medical distinction between Guts and Balls. We’ve all heard about people having Guts and Balls, but do you really know the difference between them?

In effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions.

GUTS- Is arriving home late, after a night out with the boys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask, “Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?”

BALLS- Is coming home late after a night out with the boys, smelling of perfume and beer, with lipstick on your collar, and slapping your wife on the bottom and having Balls to say, “You’re next, chubby!”

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.

Medically speaking, there’s no difference in the outcome. Both result in death.

Just The Thing For Your Little Pyro

Were All Going To Need Those Soon

I’ve Heard Of A Canadian Tuxedo But What The Hell Do You Call This?

A Guy Can Only Take So Much Abuse

Yes, I Am That Old

Coming To A Home Town Near You

Willing To Bet On Mexican Or Indian

Clever

I Thought That Was How Everyone Heard About Them

Just The Thing For The Modern Cannibal

That’s Deep. True, But Deep