Friends with Benefits Wedding

Jokes About The IRS

The Post Office just recalled their newest stamps: They had pictures of IRS agents on them, and people couldn’t figure out which side to spit on.

If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the newspaper?

What do you call 25 I.R.S. agents buried up to their chins in cement?
Not enough cement.

What do you call 25 skydiving I.R.S. agents?
Skeet.

What do you throw to a drowning I.R.S. agent?
His co-workers.

What’s brown and looks really good on an I.R.S. agent?
A Doberman.

What’s the difference between an I.R.S. agent and a mosquito?
One is a bloodsucking parasite, the other is an insect.

Grandpa’s Audit

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa and summons him to the IRS office.

The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, “Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I’m not sure the IRS finds that believable.”

“I’m a great gambler and I can prove it,” says Grandpa. “How about a demonstration?”

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, “Okay. Go ahead.”

Grandpa says, “I’ll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.”

The auditor thinks a moment and says, “It’s a bet.”

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor’s jaw drops.

Grandpa says, “Now, I’ll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.”

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn’t blind, so he takes the bet.

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand – with Grandpa’s attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

“Want to go double or nothing?” Grandpa says, “I’ll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.”

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there’s no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can’t make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor’s desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

But Grandpa’s own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

“Are you okay?” the auditor asks.

“Not really,” says the attorney. “This morning, when Grandpa told me he’d been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you’d be happy about it!”

Little Girl’s First Wedding

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, “Why is the bride dressed in white?”

“Because white is the color of happiness and today is the happiest day of her life,” her mother tried to explain, keeping it simple.

The child thought about this for a moment, then said, “So, why’s the groom wearing black?”

More News Headlines

Who says you don’t need QA in newspapers

“Police begin campaign to run down jaywalkers”
“Safety Experts say school bus passengers should be belted”
“Drunk gets nine months in violin case”
“Juvenile court to try shooting defendant”
“Killer sentenced to die for second time in 10 years”
“Stolen Painting Found By Tree”
“Judge To Rule On Nude Beach”
“Police Discover Crack In Australia”
“Men Recommend More Clubs For Wives”
“Two Convicts Evade Noose; Jury Hung”
“Deaf mute gets new hearing in killing”

She Said . . . He Hears

What a woman says:

This place is a mess! C’mon!
You and I need to clean up!
Your stuff is lying on the floor and
you’ll have no clothes to wear if we
don’t do laundry right now!

What a man hears:

blah,blah,blah,blah, C’MON
blah,blah,blah,blah, YOU AND I
blah, blah,blah,blah, ON THE FLOOR
blah,blah,blah,blah, NO CLOTHES
blah,blah,blah,blah, RIGHT NOW

Crazy Lawsuits

After he threatened to sue McDonald’s for $5 million, a former research scientist was arrested for extortion. The scientist claimed he ate part of a fried rat tail he found in a bag of Happy Meal french fries, but a grand jury said the tail came from one of his own laboratory rats.

A convict wants $1,000 because the state of New York made him eat “vegetable diet loaf” as a punishment for violating prison rules.

Another prisoner is suing because he says secondhand smoke from other inmates is ruining his health, though he smokes himself.

The all-time Random Nuts champ has to be a convicted Brooklyn burglar who is suing the state for $989 billion because prison guards beat up his jacket, which he wasn’t wearing at the time.

The U.S. Supreme Court refused to hear an appeal of a case filed by a woman against her local electric company. The woman said she had a nervous breakdown and suffered “physical injury and emotional distress” because the company published her rice recipe in its cookbook without her permission. Her husband also put in a claim for “loss of companionship.”

A Los Angeles attorney filed suit on behalf of his miniature poodle when the dog was ejected from a cafe’s outdoor patio. The attorney said that since pigeons and other birds are allowed to roam freely on the restaurant’s property, the ejection was a violation of the Constitution’s equal-protection clause.

A woman in Oklahoma is suing a TV weather forecaster because she says his prediction of sunny skies caused her to go out in the rain and catch the flu.

Environmentalists in Japan filed suit on behalf of a flock of geese in an attempt to get the government to earmark funds for wetlands preservation, but a judge ruled that geese can’t sue anybody.

A worker at a truck plant in Virginia sued his employer after it suspended him for attacking its mascot. The worker lost it when an actor dressed as a giant rooster and hired by the automaker to discourage tardiness, snuck up behind the worker and crowed. The judge ruled in the worker’s favor, noting that “the bird had it coming.”

I Have Everything I Need

A married couple is driving down the interstate doing 55 mph. The husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him and says, “Honey, I know we’ve been married for 15 years, but, I want a divorce.”

The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 60 mph.

She then says, “I don’t want you to try to talk me out of it, because I’ve been having an affair with your best friend, and he’s a much better lover than you.”

Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as his anger increases.

She says, “I want the house.” Again the husband speeds up, and now is doing 70 mph.

She says, “I want the kids, too.”

The husband just keeps driving faster, and faster, now he’s up to 80 mph.

She says, “I want the car, the checking account, and all the credit cards, too.”

The husband slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass piling, as she says, “Is there anything you want?”

The husband says, “No, I’ve got everything I need.”

She asks, “What’s that?”

The husband replies just before they hit the wall at 90 mph,
“I’ve got the airbag!”

Quotes by Albert Einstein

“If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?”
“The must incomprehensible thing about the universe is that it is comprehensible.”
“Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new.”
Try not to become a man of success but rather try to become a man of value.
“Gravitation can not be held responsible for people falling in love.”
“You do not really understand something unless you can explain it to your
grandmother.”
“The wireless telegraph is not difficult to understand. The ordinary telegraph is like a very long cat. You pull the tail in New York, and it meows in Los Angeles. The wireless is the same, only without the cat.”
“When asked how World War III would be fought, Einstein replied that he didn’t know. But he knew how World War IV would be fought: With sticks and stones!”
“Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT’S RELATIVITY.”
“Sometimes one pays most for the things one gets for nothing.”
“Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I’m not sure about the universe.”

Travel Agent In Washington

This woman has been a Travel Agent in Washington for thirty years, and these are some of the reasons she sites as to why this country is in trouble!

Consider these examples:

I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn’t get messed up by being near the window.

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I got a call from a candidate’s staffer, who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information, then she interrupted me with, “I’m not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts.” Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, “Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa.” Her response, (click).

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A senior Vermont Congressman called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando.
He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that in Orlando it is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state.
He replied, “Don’t lie to me. I looked on the map, and Florida is a very thin state!”

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I got a call from a lawmaker’s wife who asked, “Is it possible to see England from Canada?”
I said, “No.” She said, “But they look so close on the map.”

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An aide for a Bush (41) cabinet member once called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas.
When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas.
When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, “I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between the gates to save time.”

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An Illinois Congresswoman called last week. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20 a.m. and got into Chicago at 8:33 a.m. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!

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A New York lawmaker called and asked, “Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?” I said, “No, why do you ask?” She replied, “Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I’m overweight. I think that is very rude!”
After putting her on hold for a minute while I ‘looked into it’ (I was actually laughing)I came back and explained the city code for Fresno, CA is (FAT), and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.

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A Senator’s aide called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, “Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?”

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I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman who asked, “How do I know which plane to get on?”
I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, “I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these darn planes have numbers on them.”

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A lady Senator called and said, “I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola, Florida. Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?”
I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola, FL, in a commuter plane.
She said, “Yeah, whatever!”

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A senior Senator called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, reminded him that he needed a visa. “Oh, no I don’t. I’ve been to China many times and never had to have one of those.”
I double-checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, “Look, I’ve been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!”

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A New Mexico Congresswoman called to make reservations. “I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York.”
The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent said, “Are you sure that’s the name of the town?” “Yes, what flights do you have?” replied the lady. After some searching, the agent came back with, “I’m sorry, ma’am, I’ve looked up every airport code in the country and can’t find a Rhino anywhere.” The lady retorted, “Oh, don’t be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!”
The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, “You don’t mean Buffalo, do you?” “That’s it! I knew it was one of those big animals!” she said.

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Now you know why the government is in this shape it is in.

Top Ten Things Men Know About Women…

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Red Neck Mom Of The Year!