Horny Dolphin

I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn’t come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information.

I can’t come in to work today because I’ll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. OK?

When I got up this morning I took two Ex-Lax in addition to my Prozac.

I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the pharmacy.

I’ve used up all my sick days…so I’m calling in dead

The voices in my head told me to clean all the guns today.

The dog ate my car keys, so now I have to hitchhike to the vet.

And That’s How The Fight Started

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift.
The next year, I didn’t buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied, “Well, you still haven’t used the gift I bought you last year!”
And that’s how the fight started.
—————————————————————–
My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, ‘Do you want to have sex?’
‘No,’ she answered. I then said, ‘Is that your final answer?’
She didn’t even look at me this time, simply saying, ‘Yes.’
So I said, “Then I’d like to phone a friend.”
And that’s when the fight started.
—————————————————————–
I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
“I’ll have the rump steak, rare, please.”
He said, “Aren’t you worried about the mad cow?”
“Nah, she can order for herself.”
And that’s when the fight started.
—————————————————————–
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, “Do you know him?”
“Yes”, she sighed,
“He’s my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn’t been sober since.”
“My God!” I said, “Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?”
And then the fight started.
—————————————————————–
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn’t run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer. Always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, “When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.”

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
—————————————————————–
My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, “What’s on TV?”
I said, “Dust.”
And then the fight started.
—————————————————————–
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife’s back; now with a different anticipation, and whispered, “The weather out there is terrible.”

My loving wife of 5 years replied, “And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?”

And that’s how the fight started.
—————————————————————–
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, “I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.”
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started.
—————————————————————–
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.

The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver’s License to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, ‘Unbutton your shirt’.

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, ‘That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me’ and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, ‘You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too.’

And then the fight started.
—————————————————————–
My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, “I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.’

I replied, “Your eyesight’s damn near perfect.”

And then the fight started.
—————————————————————–
I rear-ended a car this morning…the start of a REALLY bad day!

The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!

He looked up at me and said ‘I am NOT Happy!’

So I said, ‘Well, which one ARE you then?’

That’s how the fight started.

Just A Few

I once had the opportunity to ask Steve Jobs how a college dropout managed to become such a successful and influential businessman. I’ll never forget what he said to me: “Who the hell are you and how did you get in my house?”

A man walks into a doctor’s office for a checkup. The doctor looks at the man and sees that he has five penises. “That’s remarkable! If you don’t mind my asking,” says the doctor, “how do your pants fit?”. The man replies, “Like a glove.”

A man and his friend were fishing by the river when a funeral procession approached. The man stood up, took off his hat, and waited for the procession to pass, and sat back down. His friend said, “That was very respectful of you, very nice.” The man then replied, “Well we were married for 40 years.”

Dating Hints For Gentlemen

There are lots of ways to ruin a date. Here are a few things NOT to say on a date…

I really don’t like this restaurant that much, but I wanted to use this 2-for-1 coupon before it expired.

I refuse to get cable. That’s how they keep tabs on you.

I used to come here all the time with my ex.

Could you excuse me? My cat gets lonely if he doesn’t hear my voice on the answering machine every hour.

I really feel that I’ve grown in the past few years. Used to be I wouldn’t have given someone like you a second look.

It’s been tough, but I’ve come to accept that most people I date just won’t be as smart as I am.

The Company Car

A funny perspective look at how we or how some people actually drive a Company car.

…It’s not yours!

SPEED
They can travel at higher speeds in any gear, especially reverse.
The acceleration rate is stupendous.
They can negotiate speed bumps twice as fast as a private car.

MAINTENANCE
They are self maintaining as regards fluid levels because they never really need to be checked as often, if at all.
The super tough bodywork can take any amount of damage.
They don’t need to be cleaned as often, inside or out.
All repairs can be carried out with the cheapest after-sales spares available.

SECURITY
They can be left unlocked anywhere any time no worries.
They can be left with the keys in the ignition.
They don’t need to be garaged at night.
Visible theft deterrents such as steering wheel locks are never needed.
Locking wheel nuts or any anti-theft devices also need not be employed.

CONTROLS
Gear levers can be grabbed and rammed home into gear with no incurring damage.
Clutch pedals can be side stepped so it smacks up faster for that quick pull away.
The clutch can also be ‘slipped’ on hills instead of applying the hand brake to hold the car in place. Company car clutches are super duper and never ever wear out….magic!

BODYWORK
The bumpers are specially designed to move annoying obstacles like shopping trolleys, boxes, waste bins etc.
The paint is impervious to all scratches.
Cracks in the glass can be ignored.
Doors can be slammed very hard.

INTERIOR
The floor is shaped just like an ash tray…..amazing!
They can carry anything on the seats, bricks, animals, concrete, tool boxes.
The upholstery is totally impervious to cigarette ash, make-up, burns, burger sauces of any variety, oil, gas and grease.
Ancillary electrical items can be forced into the cigar lighter socket with no damage.
The radio’s controls can be jabbed hard with no damage.
The floor mats can also serve to wipe mud of your shoes.

DRIVING
You can drop into a lower gear at higher speeds.
You can hold a lower gear at higher speeds before changing up, consequently the engine can be over revved easily.
They can be driven up to and over 100 miles with the oil warning light on.
The suspension is reinforced to allow the transportation of heavy building materials.
The turning radius is much tighter.
Unusual engine noises can be ignored indefinitely.
You don’t need to let the engine get up to temperature before you floor it.
They can be driven through deep puddles faster, for that bigger splash effect.
The car can be driven over rough road surfaces including pot holes at normal speed or faster.

BRAKES
They can brake in half the distance.
Hand brakes can be left partially on whilst pulling away.
Hand brakes can also assist in spinning the car around ‘J’ turn style at high speed.

WHEELS & TIRES
The tires are designed to bounce off all obstacles, with special side wall reinforcement segments to protect from scraping.
Making doughnuts…or shaped skid marks through excessive wheel spins is easily accomplished with no damage to transmission or any other part.
Wheel spins can be accomplished with no wear to the tires of course.

PARKING
When parked on a hill, just put it into gear and leave it.
Handbrakes can be pulled up to their extremities.
You can park anywhere, grass verges, muddy banks, areas covered in trash.
You can park into spaces for much smaller cars with ease.

Didn’t I tell you it was amazing!

Deadly Things To Say To Your Pregnant Wife

1. “I finished the Oreo’s.”
2. “Not to imply anything, but I don’t think the kid weighs forty pounds.”
3. “Y’know, looking at her, you’d never guess that Pamela Lee had a baby.”
4. “I sure hope your thighs aren’t gonna stay that flabby forever.”
5. “Well, couldn’t they induce labor? The 25th is the Super Bowl.”
6. “Darned if you ain’t about five pounds away from a surprise visit from that Richard Simmons fella.”
7. “Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy, that’s gotta hurt.”
8. “Whoa! For a minute there, I thought I woke up next to Willard Scott!”
9. “I’m jealous. Why can’t men experience the joy of childbirth?”
10. “Are your ankles supposed to look like that?”
11. “Get your “own” ice cream.”
12. “Geez, you’re awfully puffy looking today.”
13. “Got milk?”
14. “Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Tawney.”
15. “Man! That rose tattoo on your hip is the size of Madagascar!”
16. “Retaining water? Yeah, like the Hoover Dam retains water.”
And the Number 1 Fatal Thing To Say If Your Wife Is Pregnant…
17. “You don’t have the guts to pull that trigger.”

You Need A Prescription

Sue, a calm, respectable and understanding lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, “I would like to buy some cyanide.”

The pharmacist asked, “Why in the world do you need Cyanide?”

Sue replied, “I need it to poison my husband, Phil.”

The pharmacist’s eyes got big and he explained, “Lord Have mercy! I can’t give you cyanide to kill your husband, that’s against the law! I’ll lose my license! They’ll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!”

Sue reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of Phil in bed with the pharmacist’s wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, “Oh, you didn’t tell me you had a prescription.”

Q & A From The American Association Of Retired People

Q: Where can men over the age of 60 find younger, sexy women who are interested in them?
A: Try a bookstore under fiction.

Q: What can a man do while his wife is going thru menopause?
A: Keep busy. If you’re handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When you’re done you’ll have a place to live.

Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 60-plus year old husband?
A: Tell him you’re pregnant.

Q: How can you avoid that terrible curse of the elderly wrinkles?
A: Take off your glasses.

Q: Seriously! What can I do for these Crow’s feet and all those wrinkles on my face?
A: Go bra-less. It will usually pull them out.

Q: Why should 60-plus year old people use valet parking?
A: Valets don’t forget where they park your car.

Q: Is it common for 60-plus year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?
A: Storing memory is not a problem, Retrieving it is the problem.

Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.

Q: Where should 60-plus year olds look for eye glasses?
A: On their foreheads.

Q: What is the most common remark made by 60-plus year olds when they enter antique stores?
A: “Gosh, I remember these

Fidelity

You could use your old computer to shop for a new computer online. But that seems kind of cruel, doesn’t it?
It’s like asking your dying spouse if he or she has any cute friends.

Women’s English…

Yes = No.
No = Yes.
Maybe = No.
I’m sorry = You’ll be sorry.
We need = I want.
It’s your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now.
We need to talk = I need to complain.
Sure, go ahead = I don’t want you to.
I’m not upset = Of course I’m upset, you moron!
You’re certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs.
This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house.
I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper…
Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!
I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep.
Do you love me? = I’m going to ask for something expensive.
How much do you love me? = I did something today you’re really not going to like.
I’ll be ready in a minute. = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV.
You have to learn to communicate. = Just agree with me.
Are you listening to me? = Too late, you’re dead!
Was that the baby? = Why don’t you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep.
I’m not yelling! = Yes, I am yelling because I think this is important.
Do what you want = You’ll pay for this later.
Is my butt fat? = Tell me I’m beautiful.

Why Yes I Play Soccer, How Did You Guess?

To Protect, To Serve, & To Deal

And They Thought It Would Be Hard To Get Past Security

Just Kick Him In The Ass!

But Not As Satisfying

I Wonder How Many Of Them Are Going To Pop Out Of The Casket?

Believe It Or Not This Wasn’t That Long Ago

Other Drivers Were Much Nicer To Him After He Borrowed His Son’s New Toy

I Don’t Think This Is What Your Kids Meant When They Said They Liked Shrooms

Hey! My Pillow Is Alive!!!