Milton Berle Vs. Statler & Waldorf 1977

12 Valid Reasons Not To Come In To Work

1. I can’t come in to work today because I’ll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. OK?

2. When I got up this morning, I took two Ex-lax in addition to my Prozac. I can’t get off the john, but I feel good about it.

3. My mother-in-law has come back as one of the Undead and we must track her to her coffin to drive a stake through her heart and give her eternal peace. One day should do it.

4. I can’t come to work today because the EPA has determined that my house is completely surrounded by wetlands and I have to arrange for helicopter transportation.

5. If it is all the same to you I won’t be coming in to work.
The voices told me to clean all the guns today.

6. I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have that deadline to meet….

7. I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at Savon.

8. Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and, hey, how about them Skins, huh? So, I won’t be able to, yes, could I help you? No, no, I’ll be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for calling.

9. Constipation has made me a walking time bomb.

10. I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn’t come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information.

11. The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me this jaw restraint so I won’t bite things when I am startled.

12. The dog ate my car keys. We’re going to hitchhike to the vet.

And You Thought Just The Chinese Characters Were Jokes

So yesterday while I was working at the bookstore some girl came up with a barcode tattooed on her wrist.

Of course, my first question to her was “Can I scan it?” I guess she had never had it scanned before and was pretty excited about it.

She talked about how sentimental it was to her and stuff.

I scanned it and she rang up as a bag of Jalapeno Cheetos.

She then became livid and, of course, I was dying of laughter.

Dangerous Virus Details

Just got this in from a reliable source It seems that there is a virus out there called the Senile Virus that even the most advanced programs from Norton cannot take care of.
So be warned, it appears to affect those of us who were born before 1958!
Symptoms of Senile Virus:

1. Causes you to send same e-mail twice.
2. Causes you to send blank e-mail.
3. Causes you to send to wrong person.
4. Causes you to send back to person who sent it to you.
5. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment.
6. Causes you to hit “SEND” before you’ve finished the………

Did I already send you this?

Chemical Analysis Of Human Elements

Element Name: WOMAN.
Symbol: WO.
Atomic Weight: ‘Don’t even go there’.
Physical Properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze at any time. Melts whenever treated properly. Very bitter if not used well.
Chemical Properties: Very active. Highly unstable. Possesses strong affinity to gold, silver, platinum, and precious gemstones. Violent when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed next to a better specimen.
Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.
Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.

Element: MAN.
Symbol: XY.
Atomic Weight: (180 +/- 50).
Physical Properties: Solid at room temperature. Gets bent out of shape easily. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample. Due to age and rust, older samples are unable to conduct electricity as well as younger samples.
Chemical Properties: Attempts to bond with WO any chance it can get. Becomes explosive when mixed with Kd (child) for prolonged periods of time. Can be neutralized by saturating with alcohol.
Usage: None known. Possibly good methane source.
Caution: In the absence of WO, this element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell.

Favorite Insults

“Your secrets are safe with my indifference.”
“You’re like the first slice of bread in the packet everyone touches you, but no one wants you.”
“A blowjob from you would classify as anal.”
“You’re so ugly, you couldn’t even arouse suspicion.”
“Your cooking is so bad the flies chipped in and bought you a screen door.”
“I hope your fingers change into fishing hooks, and you have to itch your balls.”
“You may not be the dumbest person on earth, but you better hope he doesn’t die.”
“If I feed my dog alphabet soup, I bet he craps out an argument better than yours.”
“You’d struggle to pour water out of a boot that has instructions on the heel.”
“You continue to meet my expectations.”
“If he was any more inbred, he’d be a sandwich.”
“If brains were dynamite, you wouldn’t have enough to blow your nose.”
“If you were any dumber, we’d have to water you.”
“I like you better the more I see you less.”
“Go peddle your stupid elsewhere.”
“Climb back in your mum and cook little longer.”
“You’re the reason why tubes of toothpaste have instructions on them.”
“You seem to be suffering from delusions of adequacy.”

Dave

A Wicked high school teacher told his class, “Today’s lesson is on the three stages of human emotion: surprise, irritation, and rage.”

Then he dialed a random number on his phone, put it on speaker and, when someone answered, said, “Hello? May I please speak with Dave?”

The voice on the line answered, “I’m sorry, but you have the wrong number.”

The teacher hung up and said, “Now, students, that’s surprise.
Now I’ll show you irritation.” He hit redial and asked, “Hi. Can Dave come to the phone?”

“I told you, buddy. You have the wrong number.”
“Now that’s irritation.”

He dialed the same number a third time and asked, “Is Dave available?”
“Listen, you fucking dipshit, if you call me again, I’ll find you and shove that phone up your ass!”

The teacher says to the class, “That’s rage.”

Johnny said, “Sir? Didn’t you forget the fourth stage?”

“And, what is that?”

“Total confusion.” said Johnny as he hit redial and said, “Hi, this is Dave. Did I have any calls today?”

Inflation In The U.S. Is So Bad Right Now That…

- My friend received a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
- CEO’s are now playing miniature golf
- Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.
- McDonald’s is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
- Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America
- Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children’s names.
- A truckload of Americans were caught sneaking into Mexico.
- A picture is now only worth 200 words.
- The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.
- I called a car dealer to get the book value on my used car. They asked if the gas tank was full or empty

And finally…

- I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, social security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call center in Afghanistan, and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

He Should Have Gotten More Then A Black Eye

The teacher asked Johnny, “Why does your father have a black eye today?”

Johnny shrugs and says, “Well my Mom was sweeping the porch and Dad asked, “Are you cleaning the floor or are you just testing the broom before you fly your mother’s house.”

The teacher gasps, “And then?”

Johnny replies, “And then Dad learned that a broom can reach speeds of mach 1 when Mom is the pilot.”

My Area’s WiFi Names Are Crazy

I believe Wi can Fi
Life in the fast LAN
Martin Router King
Mum Click Here For Internet
No More Mr WI-Fi
Silence of the LANs
Tell my Wi-Fi love her
The LAN Before Time
The Promise LAN
Titanic Syncing
Wham Bam Thank you LAN
Wi-Fight the Feeling

So, What Syndrome Is It

Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff-legged and walking slowly.

One student said to his friend: “I’m sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that.”

The other student says: “No, I don’t think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks slowly and his legs are apart, just as we learned in class.”

Since they couldn’t agree they decided to ask the old man.

They approached him and one of the students said to him, “We’re medical students and couldn’t help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn’t agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?”

The old man said, “I’ll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think.”

The first student said, “I think it’s Peltry Syndrome.”

The old man said, “You thought – but you are wrong.”

The other student said, “I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome.”

The old man said, “You thought – but you are wrong.”

So they asked him, “Well, old timer, what do you have?”

The old man said, “I thought it was gas – but I was wrong, too!”

Isn’t Family Great!

Well That Clears It Up

Coincidence? I Think Not!

Your What Whistles?

Thank God For Amazon

Fun For The Whole Family!

Barbie’s Off Her Meds

These Guys Just Hate Parents

Define Large

If He Were Mine I’d Cook The Bacon Myself