Please remember this was 1978

Say NO To Hetero

Five Pearls Of Wisdom

1. Forgive your enemy but remember the bastard’s name.
2. Money cannot buy happiness but it’s more comfortable to cry in a Mercedes than on a bicycle.
3. Help someone when they are in trouble and they will remember you when they’re in trouble again.
4. Many people are alive only because it’s illegal to shoot them.
5. Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then again, neither does milk.

Hell Explained Scientifically…Sort Of

The following is an actual question given on a University of Arizona chemistry mid term, and an actual answer turned in by a student.

The answer by one student was so ‘profound’ that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well:

Bonus Question:
Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat)
or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle’s Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving, which is unlikely. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. There fore,no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let’s look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle’s Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, ‘It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,’ and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is extinct…therefore leaving Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting ‘Oh my God.’

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+

Hormone Hostage

The Hormone Hostage knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth to a woman and he takes his very life into his own hands.

This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver’s license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, or significant other.

DANGEROUS: What’s for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?
ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS: Are you wearing that?
SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.
SAFEST: WOW! Look at you!
ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER: Could we be overreacting?
SAFEST: Here’s fifty dollars.
ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?
ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS: What did you do all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn’t overdo it today.
SAFEST: I’ve always loved you in that robe!
ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some more chocolate.

Oh Please, She Takes Synthetic Heroin And Then Goes To The Grocery Store

A young man goes to his grandmother and says, “Granny, have you seen my tablets? It has the letters LSD on the front on them”.

Grandmother replies, ” Fuck your tablets, have you seen the Dragons in the Kitchen!!!???

More Employee Evaluations

“He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room.”
“When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell.”
“If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he’s the other one.”
“A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.”
“A prime candidate for natural de-selection.”
“Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.”
“Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn’t coming.”
“Has two brains: one is lost and the other is out looking for it.”
“If he were any more stupid, he’d have to be watered twice a week.”
“If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you’d get change.”
“If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.”
“It’s hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.”
“One neuron short of a synapse.”
“Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled.”
“Takes him 2 hours to watch 60 minutes.”
“The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.”

Size Does Matter

Results of a women’s survey on size.

Women’s response:

2 inches — I can’t even hold it.
3 inches — Never been so unsatisfied.
4 inches — I’ve had bigger than it.
5 inches — Good, but I wish a bit bigger.
6 inches — perfect.
7 inches — Love it.
8 inches — Wow! But can’t have it all.
9 inches — Painful but manageable.
10 inches — Too much pressure on stomach.

This survey was actually Feedback on different SIZES of Hero Sandwiches.

But I love the way you all think!

Dirty Minds!

Yet More Ways To Annoy People

1. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
2. Pay for your dinner with pennies.
3. Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.
4. Repeat everything someone says, as a question.
5. Write “X – BURIED TREASURE” in random spots on all of someone’s roadmaps.
6. Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assassination/UFO/ O.J Simpson conspiracy theories.
7. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: “Do you hear that?” “What?” “Never mind, its gone now.”
8. Light road flares on a birthday cake.
9. Wander around a restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.
10. Leave tips in Bolivian currency.
11. Demand that everyone address you as “Conquistador.”
12. At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.
13. When Christmas caroling, sing “Jingle Bells, Batman smells” until physically restrained.
14. Wear a cape that says “Magnificent One.”
15. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
16. Stand over someone’s shoulder, mumbling, as they read.
17. Pretend your computer’s mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.
18. When nearly done, announce “no, wait, I messed it up,” and repeat.
19. Drive half a block.
20. Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.
21. Ask people what gender they are.
22. Lick the filling out of all the Oreo’s, and place the cookie parts back.
23. If Norwegian, affect a Southern drawl.
24. Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don’t want to fall off “in case the big one comes”.
25. Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers brains, such as “Feliz Navidad”, the Archies “Sugar” or the Mr. Rogers theme song.
26. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head. Like a parakeet.

Sung To John Lennon’s Yesterday

Variation for programmers

Yesterday,
All those backups seemed a waste of pay.
Now my database has gone away.
Oh I believe in yesterday.

Suddenly,
There’s not half the files there used to be,
And there’s a milestone hanging over me
The system crashed so suddenly.

I pushed something wrong
What it was I could not say.
Now all my data’s gone
and I long for yesterday-ay-ay-ay.

Yesterday,
The need for back-ups seemed so far away.
I knew my data was all here to stay,
Now I believe in yesterday.

You Know You’re A Nurse If…

1. You believe every patient needs TLC: Thorazine, Lorazepam and Compazine.
2. You would like to meet the inventor of the call light in a dark alley one night.
3. You believe not all patients are annoying … some are unconscious.
4. Your sense of humor seems to get more “warped” each year.
5. You know the phone numbers of every late night food delivery place in town by heart.
6. You can only tell time with a 24 hour clock.
7. Almost everything can seem humorous … eventually.
8. When asked, “What color is the patient’s diarrhea?”, you show them your shoes.
9. Every time you walk, you make a rattling noise because of all the scissors and clamps in your pockets.
10. You can tell the pharmacist more about the medicines he is dispensing than he can.
11. You carry “spare” meds in your pocket rather than wait for pharmacy to deliver.
12. You refuse to watch ER because it’s too much like the real thing and triggers “flash backs.”
13. You check the caller ID when the phone rings on your day off to see if someone from the hospital is trying to call to ask you to work.
14. You’ve been telling stories in a restaurant and had someone at another table throw up.

That’s Not My Job!

This is a story about four people named: Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody.

There was an important job to be done and Everybody was sure that Somebody would do it.

Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it.

Somebody got angry about that, because it was Everybody’s job.

Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn’t do it.

It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done.

So That’s Where They Learned It From

I’d Stop Coming Here But There’s No Where Else To Shop

Can I Ware This Shirt For The Test?

I Told You Not To Go To That Old Age Home

Welcome Aboard Cannibal Airlines

Then, Was Way Cooler

Does Anyone Check These Things?

Make Up Your Mind Already

I Always Knew She Was Too Good To Be True

Just In Case You Needed Some