Shell’s Leaked Mammal Abuse Training Video

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KFC Loves Gays with John Goodman

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Bart At The Chalkboard!

The opening credits of “The Simpsons” shows Bart Simpson writing the same sentence over and over again on the chalkboard. Here are the collected writings of Bart Simpson from some of the opening credits.

I will not carve gods.
I will not spank others.
I will not aim for the head.
I will not barf unless I’m sick.
I saw nothing unusual in the teacher’s lounge.
I will not conduct my own fire drills.
Funny noises are not funny.
I will not snap bras.
I will not fake seizures.
This punishment is not boring and pointless.
My name is not Dr. Death.
I will not prescribe medication.
I will not bury the new kid.
I will not teach others to fly.
I will not bring sheep to class.
A burp is not an answer.
Teacher is not a leper.
I will not eat things for money.
I will not yell “She’s Dead” at roll call.
The principal’s toupee is not a Frisbee.
I will not call the principal “spud head”.
Goldfish don’t bounce.
Mud is not one of the 4 food groups.
No one is interested in my underpants.
I will not sell miracle cures.
I will return the seeing-eye dog.
I do not have diplomatic immunity.
I will not charge admission to the bathroom.
The cafeteria deep fryer is not a toy.
My homework was not stolen by a one-armed man.
I will not go near the kindergarten turtle.
Organ transplants are best left to professionals.
Five days is not too long to wait for a gun.
I will not skateboard in the halls.
Underwear should be worn on the inside.
The Christmas Pageant does not stink.
I am not authorized to fire substitute teachers.

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How To Please Your I.T. Department

(A quick check list for those who need to make contact.)

1. When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals, dried flowers, bowling trophies and children’s art. We don’t have a life, and we find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours.

2. Don’t write anything down. Ever. We can play back the error messages from here.

3. When an I.T. person says he’s coming right over, go for coffee. That way you won’t be there when we need your password. It’s nothing for us to remember 700 screen saver passwords.

4. When you call the help desk, state what you want, not what’s keeping you from getting it. We don’t need to know that you can’t get into your mail because your computer won’t power on at all.

5. When I.T. support sends you an E-Mail with high importance, delete it at once. We’re just testing.

6. When an I.T. person is eating lunch at his desk, walk right in and spill your guts right out. We exist only to serve.

7. Send urgent email all in uppercase. The mail server picks it up and flags it as a rush delivery.

8. When the photocopier doesn’t work, call computer support. There’s electronics in it.

9. When you’re getting a NO DIAL TONE message at home, call computer support. We can fix your telephone line from here.

10. When you have a dozen old computer screens to get rid of, call computer support. We’re collectors.

11. When something’s wrong with your home PC, dump it on an I.T. person’s chair with no name, no phone number and no description of the problem. We love a puzzle.

12. When an I.T. person tells you that computer screens don’t have cartridges in them, argue. We love a good argument.

13. When an I.T. person tells you that he’ll be there shortly, reply in a scathing tone of voice: “And just how many weeks do you mean by shortly?” That motivates us.

14. When the printer won’t print, re-send the job at least 20 times. Print jobs frequently get sucked into black holes.

15. When the printer still won’t print after 20 tries, send the job to all 68 printers in the company. One of them is bound to work.

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Signs That You “Just Might” Have A Drinking Problem.

You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.
Your job is interfering with your drinking.
Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.
24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?? I think not!
Two hands and just one mouth … now THAT’S a drinking problem!
The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.
Every woman you see has an exact twin.
You fall off the floor.
Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger — forget dinner!
The glass keeps missing your mouth.
Republicans starts to make sense.
Mosquitoes catch a buzz after biting you.
The whole bar says ‘Hi’ when you come in.
“Hi ocifer. I’m not under the affluence of incohol.”
You have a reserved parking space at the liquor store.
“BeerTender! Get me another Bar!”

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The Game Of Golf!

In primitive society, when native tribes beat the ground with clubs and yelled, it was called witchcraft; today, in civilized society, it is called golf.

Golf is an expensive way of playing marbles.

Golf is a game in which the slowest people in the world are those in front of you, and the fastest are those behind.

Golf: A five mile walk punctuated with disappointments.

The secret of good golf is to hit the ball hard, straight and not too often.

There’s no game like golf: you go out with three friends, play eighteen holes, and return with three enemies.

Golf was once a rich man’s sport, but now it has millions of poor players.

An amateur golfer is one who addresses the ball twice: once before swinging, and once again after swinging.

Many a golfer prefers a golf cart to a caddy because the cart cannot count, criticize or laugh.

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Children’s Deep Thoughts

From an actual newspaper contest where entrants age 4 to 15 were asked to imitate “Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey.”

I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why I don’t have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to wash clothes on the last day of their life? — Age 15

Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept the things I cannot, and a great big bag of money. — Age 13

Democracy is a beautiful thing, except for that part about letting just any old yokel vote. — Age 10

For centuries, people thought the moon was made of green cheese. Then the astronauts found that the moon is really a big hard rock. That’s what happens to cheese when you leave it out. — Age 6

Think of the biggest number you can. Now add five. Then, imagine if you had that many Twinkies. Wow, that’s five more than the biggest number you could come up with! — Age 6

As you make your way through this hectic world of ours, set aside a few minutes each day. At the end of the year, you’ll have a couple of days saved up. — Age 7

Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher. That is, I used to, until she got an unlisted number. — Age 15

It would be terrible if the Red Cross Bloodmobile got into an accident. No, wait. That would be good because if anyone needed it, the blood would be right there. — Age 5

If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be…until the looting started. — Age 15

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Signs

1. In the front yard of a funeral home, “Drive carefully, we’ll wait.”
2. On an electrician’s truck, “Let us remove your shorts.”
3. Outside a radiator repair shop, “Best place in town to take a leak.”
4. In a non-smoking area, “If we see you smoking, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.”
5. On a maternity room door, “Push, Push, Push.”
6. On a front door, “Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog.”
7. At an optometrist’s office, “If you don’t see what you’re looking for, you’ve come to the right place.”
8. On a taxidermist’s window, “We really know our stuff.”
9. On a butcher’s window, “Let me meat your needs.”
10. On a butcher’s window, “You can beat our prices, but you can’t beat our meat.”
11. On a fence, “Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive.”
12. At a car dealership, “The best way to get back on your feet – miss a car payment.”
13. Outside a muffler shop, “No appointment necessary. We’ll hear you coming.”
14. In a dry cleaner’s emporium, “Drop your pants here.”
15. On a desk in a reception room, “We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left.”
16. In a veterinarian’s waiting room, “Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!”
17. At the electric company, “We would be delighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don’t, you will be.”
18. In a Beauty Shop, “Dye now!”
19. In a Beauty Shop, “We curl up and Dye for you.”
20. On the side of a garbage truck, “We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got.” (Burglars please copy.)
21. In a restaurant window, “Don’t stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up.”
22. Inside a bowling alley, “Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop.”
23. In a cafeteria, “Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. Socks can eat any place they want.
24. On a plumbers van, “We repair what your husband fixed!”

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More Thoughts From Women About Being A Woman

When I was young, I was put in a school for retarded kids for two years before they realized I actually had a hearing loss. And they called ME slow! * Kathy Buckley

You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy. * Erica Jong

If high heels were so wonderful, men would still be wearing them. * Sue Grafton

Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you cry with your girlfriends. * Laurie Kuslansky

I think – therefore I’m single. * Lizz Winstead

You know the hardest thing about having cerebral palsy and being a woman? It’s plucking your eyebrows. That’s how I originally got pierced ears. * Geri Jewell

When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. * Elayne Boosler

Behind every successful man is a surprised woman. * Maryon Pearson

In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man – if you want anything done, ask a woman. * Margaret Thatcher

I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career. * Gloria Steinem

I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home who answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog that growls every morning, a parrot that swears all afternoon, and a cat that comes home late every night. * Marie Corelli

If men can run the world, why can’t they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck? * Linda Ellerbee

Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission. * Eleanor Roosevelt

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Prison Vs. Work

IN PRISON…You spend the majority of your time in an 8×10 cell.
AT WORK…..You spend most of your time in a 6×8 cubicle.

IN PRISON…You get three meals a day.
AT WORK…..You only get a break for 1 meal and you have to pay for it.

IN PRISON…You get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK…..You get rewarded for good behavior with more work.

IN PRISON…A guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK…..You must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.

IN PRISON…You can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK…..You get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON…You get your own toilet.
AT WORK…..You have to share.

IN PRISON…They allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK…..You cannot even speak to your family and friends.

IN PRISON…All expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required.
AT WORK…..You get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON…You spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out.
AT WORK…..You spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

IN PRISON…There are wardens who are often sadistic.
AT WORK…..They are called supervisors.

IN PRISON…You have unlimited time to read e-mail jokes.
AT WORK…..You get fired if you get caught.

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Rules For Buying Gifts For Men

Rule #1:
When in doubt – buy him a cordless drill. It does not matter if he already has one. I have a friend who owns 17 and he has yet to complain. As a man, you can never have too many cordless drills. No one knows why.

Rule #2:
If you cannot afford a cordless drill, buy him anything with the word ratchet or socket in it. Men love saying those two words. “Hey George, can I borrow your ratchet?” “OK. By-the-way, are you through with my 3/8-inch socket yet?” Again, no one knows why.

Rule #3:
If you are really, really broke, buy him anything for his car. A 99-cent ice scraper, a small bottle of de-icer or something to hang from his rear view mirror. Men love gifts for their cars. No one knows why.

Rule #4:
Do not buy men socks. Do not buy men ties. And never buy men bathrobes. I was told that if God had wanted men to wear bathrobes, he wouldn’t have invented Jockey shorts.

Rule #5:
You can buy men new remote controls to replace the ones they have worn out. If you have a lot of money, buy your man a big-screen TV with the little picture in the corner. Watch him go wild as he flips, and flips, and flips.

Rule #6:
Do not buy a man any of those fancy liqueurs. If you do, it will sit in a cupboard for 23 years. Real men drink whiskey or beer.

Rule #7:
Do not buy any man industrial-sized canisters of after shave or deodorant. I’m told they do not stink – they are earthy.

Rule #8:
Buy men label makers. Almost as good as cordless drills. Within a couple of weeks there will be labels absolutely everywhere. “Socks. Shorts. Cups. Saucers. Door. Lock. Sink.” You get the idea. No one knows why.

Rule #9:
Never buy a man anything that says “some assembly required” on the box. It will ruin his Special Day and he will always have parts left over.

Rule #10:
Good places to shop for men include Northwest Iron Works, Parr Lumber, Home Depot, John Deere, Valley RV Center, and Les Schwab Tire. (NAPA Auto Parts and Sears’ Clearance Centers are also excellent men’s stores. It doesn’t matter if he doesn’t know what it is. “From NAPA Auto, eh? Must be something I need. Hey! Isn’t this a starter for a ’68 Ford Fairlane? Wow! Thanks.”

Rule #11
Men enjoy danger. That’s why they never cook – but they will barbecue. Get him a monster barbecue with a 100-pound propane tank. Tell him the gas line leaks. “Oh the thrill! The challenge! Who wants a hamburger?”

Rule #12:
Tickets to a Patriots game are a smart gift. However, he will not appreciate tickets to “A Retrospective of 19th Century Quilts.” Everyone knows why.

Rule #13:
Men love chainsaws. Never, ever, buy a man you love a chainsaw. If you don’t know why – please refer to Rule #8 and what happens when he gets a label maker.

Rule #14:
It’s hard to beat a really good wheelbarrow or an aluminum extension ladder. Never buy a real man a step ladder. It must be an extension ladder. No one knows why.

Rule #15:
Rope. Men love rope. It takes us back to our cowboy origins, or at least The Boy Scouts. Nothing says love like a hundred feet of 3/8″ manila rope. No one knows why.

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Some Actual Product Warning Labels:

On the bottle-top of a (UK) flavored milk drink – AFTER OPENING, KEEP UPRIGHT. (duh!)

On a New Zealand insect spray – THIS PRODUCT NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS. (Only people)

In a US guide to setting up a new computer – TO AVOID CONDENSATION FORMING, ALLOW THE BOXES TO WARM UP TO ROOM TEMPERATURE BEFORE OPENING. (Makes sense…except these instructions we’re IN THE BOX!)

In some countries (like W. Virginia:), on the bottom of Coke bottles – OPEN OTHER END.

On a Sears hairdryer – DO NOT USE WHILE SLEEPING. (Now THAT I’d like to see!)

On a bag of Fritos – YOU COULD BE A WINNER! NO PURCHASE NECESSARY. DETAILS INSIDE. (The shoplifter special!)

On a bar of Dial soap – DIRECTIONS – USE LIKE REGULAR SOAP. (And that would be how?)

On Tesco’s Tiramisu dessert (printed on BOTTOM of the box) * DO NOT TURN UPSIDE DOWN. (oops…Too late! You lose!)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding – PRODUCT WILL BE HOT AFTER HEATING. (Are you sure? Let’s experiment.)

On a Korean kitchen knife – WARNING KEEP OUT OF CHILDREN. (Dammit! Who are they to tell me what to do with my kids?)

On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights – FOR INDOOR OR OUTDOOR USE ONLY. (As opposed to what…use in outer space?)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts – INSTRUCTIONS – OPEN PACKET, EAT NUTS. (I’m sure glad they cleared that up.)

On a Swedish chainsaw – DO NOT ATTEMPT TO STOP CHAIN WITH YOUR HANDS OR GENITALS. (What kind of consumer phone-call led to this warning?)

On a child’s superman costume – WEARING OF THIS GARMENT DOES NOT ENABLE YOU TO FLY. (That’s right, destroy a universal childhood fantasy!)

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Give Us The Banana Lady We Got You Surrounded