Sesame Street: The Dark Turn

Addicted to Your Cell Phone?

Addicted to Your Cell Phone? Tangled in a web of wireless? Maybe you should ask yourself these questions.

1. Do parts of your body tingle when your phones on vibrate?
2. Does raising your children interfere with programming your speed dial?
3. Do you have long-distance conversations while sitting on the toilet in a public restroom?
4. Does the term fashion statement mean to you matching your outfit with your cell phone carrying case?
5. When getting into a car accident, is your first response “Can you hold on a moment, I’m hemorrhaging?”
6. Does the sound of static trigger dark memories of ill-fated connections?
7. Do you use the menu light as your night light?
8. Does it take you an hour on a regular phone to get the same feeling of a five-minute cellular call?
9. When receiving a phone call, do you ever ask the film projectionist to lower the volume of the movie?

How Many Women Can a Man Marry?

A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his cousin asked him, “How many women can a man marry?”

“Sixteen,” the boy responded.

His cousin was amazed that he knew the answer so quickly. “How do you know that?”

“Easy,” the little boy said. “All you have to do is add it up, like the preacher said: ’4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer.’”

New Barbie Dolls

Finally a Barbie I can relate to! At long last, here are some NEW Barbie dolls to coincide with her and OUR aging gracefully. These are a bit more realistic.

• Bifocals Barbie. Comes with her own set of blended-lens fashion frames in six wild colors (half-frames too!), neck chain and large-print editions of Vogue and Martha Stewart Living.

• Hot Flash Barbie. Press Barbie’s bellybutton and watch her face turn beet red while tiny drops of perspiration appear on her forehead. Comes with hand-held fan and tiny tissues.

• Facial Hair Barbie. As Barbie’s hormone levels shift, see her whiskers grow. Available with teensy tweezers and magnifying mirror.

• Flabby Arms Barbie. Hide Barbie’s droopy triceps with these new, roomier-sleeved gowns. Good news on the tummy front, too-muumuus with tummy-support panels are included.

• Bunion Barbie. Years of disco dancing in stiletto heels have definitely taken their toll on Barbie’s dainty arched feet. Soothe her sores with the pumice stone and plasters, then slip on soft terry mules.

• No-More-Wrinkles Barbie. Erase those pesky crow’s-feet and lip lines with a tube of Skin Sparkle-Spackle, from Barbie’s own line of exclusive age-blasting cosmetics.

• Soccer Mom Barbie. All that experience as a cheer-leader is really paying off as Barbie dusts off her old high school megaphone to root for Babs and Ken, Jr. Comes with minivan in robin-egg blue or white and cooler filled with doughnut holes and fruit punch.

• Mid-life Crisis Barbie. It’s time to ditch Ken. Barbie needs a change, and Alonzo (her personal trainer) is just what the doctor ordered, along with Prozac. They’re hopping in her new red Miata and heading for the Napa Valley to open a B&B. Includes a real tape of “Breaking Up Is Hard to Do.”

• Divorced Barbie. Sells for $199.99. Comes with Ken’s house, Ken’s car, and Ken’s boat.

• Recovery Barbie. Too many parties have finally caught up with the ultimate party girl. Now she does Twelve Steps instead of dance steps. Clean and sober, she’s going to meetings religiously. Comes with a little copy of The Big Book and a six-pack of Diet Coke.

• Post-Menopausal Barbie. This Barbie wets her pants when she sneezes, forgets where she puts things, and cries a lot. She is sick and tired of Ken sitting on the couch watching the tube, clicking through the channels. Comes with Depends and Kleenex. As a bonus this year, the book “Getting In Touch with Your Inner Self” is included.

My Goldfish Died

Little Johnny was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence.

Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was doing, he politely asked, “What are you up to there, Johnny?”

“Well, my goldfish died,” replied Johnny tearfully, without looking up, “and I’ve just buried him.”

The neighbor was concerned, “That’s an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn’t it?”

Johnny patted down the last heap of earth then replied… “That’s because he’s inside your cat!”

Residents

Due to the recent actions of a specific tenant, we have been forced to update our community rules. Please find these new rules below:

1. No trash bags placed outside your door.
2. No loud music after 10 p.m.
3. No yodeling at any time.
4. Do not feed the squirrels nachos.
S. Do change the sign for the Fitness Center so it reads “Fatness Center”.
6. Do not pull out Yu-Gi-Oh cards and threaten to send residents to “The Shadow Realm”.
7. Do not climb other people’s balconies while drunkenly yelling, “I AM SPIDER-MAN”.
8. NO ZIPLINES.
9. Do place rent checks in a bear trap outside of rental office.
10. Do make rent cheeks out to “You Greedy Mother Fuckers!”
11. DO NOT YELL AT THE MOON.
12. Do not enter the laundry in a mask and attempt to wrestle other residents.
13. No trick-or-treating unless you are a kid and it is Halloween.
14. Do not yell “Order Up’” and throw dogs at people they walk past your window.
15. Do attach basketball hoops to residents’ doors, knock, and then “dunk on them” when they answer.

Moving forward, failure to abide by these rules will be grounds for eviction.

Thank you.
Management

New Family Driver

Martin had just received his brand new driver’s license. The family troops out to the driveway, and climbs in the car, where he is going to take them for a ride for the first time. Dad immediately heads for the back seat, directly behind the newly minted driver.

“I’ll bet you’re back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive,” says the beaming boy to his father.

“Nope,” comes dad’s reply, “I’m gonna sit here and kick the back of your seat as you drive, just like you’ve been doing to me all these years.”

Things You Can Say About Your Car But Not About Your Spouse

“She’s getting really high mileage”.
“I’m going to trade her in for a younger model”.
“The front end is making a weird noise”.
“She shakes too much when I get her going fast”.
“It’s too expensive to keep her running”.
“I need to wash her, she’s filthy”.
“I think I’ll let my friend take her for a spin”.
“She runs better with premium fuel”.
” I think everyone should take her for a ride”.
” How many of us do you think would fit in there?”.
” I wish she had more room in her trunk, she can only take so much”.
” She makes wheezing, rattling noises, so I figure I’ll have to trade her in”.
” She needs a lube job in the worst way”.
” She’s been ridden for too many miles, by too many people to be really reliable”.
” She’s too expensive to maintain”.
” If I have to have her checked out by a specialist one more time, I’m getting a newer model”.
” Ok, so she’s a little old, and getting uglier by the day, but she gets me there every time…that’s what really counts, right?”

The TRUE ending to “The Empire Strikes Back”:

A furious light saber duel is underway. DARTH VADER is backing LUKE SKYWALKER towards the end of the gantry. A quick move by Vader, chops off Luke’s hand! It goes spinning off into the ventilation shaft. Luke backs away. He looks around, but realizes there’s nowhere to go but straight down.

Darth Vader: Obi Wan never told you what happened to your father.

Luke: He told me enough! He told me you killed him!

Darth Vader: No… I am your father!

Luke: No, it’s not true! It’s impossible.

Darth Vader: Search your feelings… you know it to be true…

Luke: NO!

Darth Vader: Yes, it is true…and you know what else? You know that brass droid of yours?

Luke: Threepio?

Darth Vader: Yes… Threepio… I built him… when I was 7 years old…

Luke: No…

Darth Vader: Seven years old! And what have you done? Look at yourself, no hand, no job, and couldn’t even levitate your own ship out of the swamp…

Luke: I destroyed your precious Death Star!

Darth Vader: When you were 20! When I was 10, I single-handedly destroyed a Trade Federation Droid Control ship!

Luke: Well, it’s not my fault…

Darth Vader: Oh, here we go… “Poor me… my father never gave me what I wanted for my birthday… boo hoo, my daddy’s the Dark Lord of the Sith… waahhh wahhh!”

Luke: Shut up…

Darth Vader: You’re a slacker! By the time I was you’re age, I had exterminated the Jedi knights!

Luke: I used to race my T-16 through Beggar’s Canyon!

Darth Vader: Oh, for the love of the Emperor… 10 years old, winner of the Boonta Eve Open… Only human to ever fly a Pod Racer… right here baby!

Luke looks down the shaft. Takes a step towards it.

Darth Vader: I was wrong… You’re not my kid… I don’t know whose you are, but you sure ain’t mine…

Luke takes a step off the platform, hesitates, then plunges down the shaft.

Darth Vader looks after him.

Darth Vader: Get a haircut!

True Medical Definitions . . . Sort Of

Urine: Opposite of you’re out
Enema: Not a friend
Artery: The study of paintings
Terminal Illness: Getting Sick at the airport
Dilate: To live a long time
Out-patient: A person who has fainted
Nitrates: Cheaper than day rates
Medical staff: A doctor’s cane
Recovery Room: Place to do upholstery
Secretion: Hiding something
Fibula: A small lie
Node: I knew it
Caesarian Section: A neighborhood in Rome

Wife’s Final Words

Jake was watching vigilantly at his dying wife’s side. ”Sleep now, its all right,” he told her.

But she kept trying to sit up and said, ”Honey, I really need to tell you something.”
Finally Jake let her get it off her chest.

”Jake, honey, I need to tell you something before I die. During the last two months, I slept with your brother, your best friend, and your father.”

”Don’t worry about it,” Jake said, ”I already know. Why do you think I poisoned you?”

It’s About Damn Time!

Well I Haven’t Gotten Shot Yet Your Shift Ain’t Over Yet

They Just Said We Shouldn’t Eat Our Own Hair

CYBER Bullying! Not Cool, Apple, Not Cool!

So It’s Not Our Fault, Sincerely The Airlines

I Wish I Had Thought Of That

Only In America . . . We Hope

No, That’s Not Honey

Don’t Freak, I Promise You He’s Ok

You Had To Know That Was Going To Happen Sooner Or Later