2nd Amendment – Inside Amy Schumer

Fix Your Fucking Grammar

You’re: You fucking are.
Your: It fucking belongs to you
They’re: They fucking are.
Their: It fucking belongs to them.
There: A fucking place.
We’re: We fucking are.
Were: Past fucking tense of are.
Where: A fucking place.
Then: A point in fucking time.
Than: A method of fucking comparison.

Girlfriend Or Cat?

Having a girlfriend is a lot like having a cat.

They’re always crying for food and snacks, will randomly get mad at you & ignore you and you’ll have no clue why, they take frequent naps and their hair will get on literally everything in your house.

Get a cat, it’s cheaper.

More Tips For Moving South…Yee-Haw!

1. Be advised: The “He needed killin’” defense is valid here.

2. If attending a funeral in the South, remember, we stay until the last shovel of dirt is thrown on and the tent is torn down.

3. If you hear a Southerner exclaim, “Hey, y’all, watch this!” stay out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say.

4. Most Southerners do not use turn signals, and they ignore those who do. In fact, if you see a signal blinking on a car with a southern license plate, you may rest assured that it was on when the car was purchased.

5. Northerners can be identified by the spit on the inside of their car’s windshield that comes from yelling at other drivers.

6. The winter wardrobe you always brought out in September can wait until November.

7. If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the most minuscule accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It does not matter if you need anything from the store, it is just something you’re supposed to do.

8. Satellite dishes are very popular in the South. When you purchase one, it is to be positioned directly in front of your trailer. This is logical, bearing in mind that the dish cost considerably more than the trailer and should, therefore, be displayed.

9. Tornadoes and Southerners going through a divorce have a lot in common. In either case, you know someone is going to lose a trailer.

10. Florida is not considered a southern state. There are far more Yankees than Southerners living there.

11. In southern churches you will hear the hymn, “All Glory, Laud and Honor”. You will also hear expressions such as, “Laud, Have mercy”, “Good Laud”, and “Laudy, Laudy, Laudy”.

12. As you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone, directly in the middle of the road, remember, many folks learned to drive on a model of vehicle known as John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position for the vehicle.

13. You can ask a Southerner for directions, but unless you already know the positions of key hills, trees, rocks, and where buildings used to stand, you’re better off trying to find it yourself.

I’d Prefer To Smile With The Older Generation

Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. After autopsies, the pathologist calls the police to tell them what has happened.

“First body: 60yrs, died of heart failure while having fun with his mistress. Hence the enormous smile,

“Second body: 50yrs, won a hundred thousand dollars in the sweepstakes, spent it all on whisky & women. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile.”

The police detective asked, “What about the third body?”

“Ah,” says the pathologist, “this is the most unusual one: 19yrs, struck by lightning.”

“Why is he smiling then?” inquires the detective.

“He thought he was having his picture taken.”

Very Short Books

1) Outdoor activities in Chernobyl
2) Hot Scenic Real-estate opportunities on top of Mt St. Helens
3) Investment opportunities in worm futures for the deceased
4) Ballerina lessons for men with size 13 or larger feet
5) Defensive Driving tips for the Blind
6) Contraceptive tips for Nuns
7) Delicious Beef Recipes for Hindus
8) Mutual Fund Investment strategies for compulsive gamblers
9) Cooking with Pork Fat for Vegetarians
10) Green Peace Guide for Buying Quality Baby Seal coats
11) Green Peace Guide to Preparing Fast & Easy Whale Dishes
12) Jewish and Arab Friendship Customs
13) Human Rights organizations in North Korea
14) Democracy Debate clubs in Cuba
15) Applying for Tibetan Vendors Permits
16) Applying for Flight Clearance over The White House
17) Guide to Redneck Gay Bars
18) Guide to Neo Nazis Jewish Friendship Centers
19) Famous Native American Judges, Senators and Presidents
20) Famous Black Canadian Hockey Players
21) Famous Hillbilly Physicists
22) Guide to apply for Pan Handling Permit in Singapore
23) Street guide to most original graffiti in Singapore
24) Country Singers who have appeared at Carnegie Hall
25) Sports Illustrated’s Gay Men’s Swimsuit Edition
26) How to start your own part time Hospital from home
27) Guide to Gay NBA, NFL, AFL & NHL Teams
28) E-mail address directory for the homeless
29) All Night Coed Saudi Arabian Moshe pits
30) List of Fine Wines from Iran

Which Is The Favorite?

A dog and a cat are having an argument on who is the favorite of humans.

The dog says, “Humans like us more. They have even named a tooth (canine) after us. Naming such an important body part after us shows that they like us more.”

The cat smiles and says, ‘You are really not going to win this one you know.”

Welcome To The 21st Century!!!

Our Phones ~ Wireless
Our Cooking ~ Fireless
Our Cars ~ Keyless
Our Food ~ Fatless
Our Tires ~ Tubeless
Our Tools ~ Cordless
Our Dress ~ Sleeveless
Our Youth ~ Jobless
Our Leaders ~ Shameless
Our Relationships ~ Meaningless
Our Attitude ~ Careless
Our Wives ~ Fearless
Our Babies ~ Fatherless
Our Feelings ~ Heartless
Our Education ~ Valueless
Our Children ~ Mannerless
Our Government ~ Clueless
Our Masses ~ Helpless

Who Is Less Moral

Bob, a 65-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful 25 year-old blonde:

She proceeds to knock everyone’s socks off with her youthful appeal and charm.

She also hangs on Bob’s arm and listens intently to his every word. His buddies at the club are all aghast.

They corner him and ask. “Bob, how’d you get the trophy girlfriend?”

Bob replies. “Girlfriend? She’s my wife!”

They’re knocked over but continue to ask. “So, how’d you persuade her to marry you?”

Bob says. “I lied about my age.”

His friends respond. “What, did you tell her you were only 50?”

Bob smiles and says, “No, I told her I was 90.”

Why, How, & Ifs?

1. Why isn’t phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
2. Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
3. Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?
4. Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
5. How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?
6. If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?
7. If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
8. If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?
9. If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would happen?
10. If you’re in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?
11. You know how most packages say “Open here”. What is the protocol if the package says, “Open somewhere else”?
12. Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?
13. Why is it that when you transport something by car, it’s called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it’s called cargo?
14. Why is it that when you’re driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?
15. You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can’t they make the whole plane out of the same substance?

Why Do You Want A Divorce?

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, “What are the grounds for your divorce?”

She replied, “About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by.”

“No,” he said, “I mean what is the foundation of this case?”

“It is made of concrete, brick and mortar,” she responded.

“I mean,” he continued, “What are your relations like?”

“I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband’s parents.”

He said, “Do you have a real grudge?”

“No,” she replied, “We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one.”

“Please,” he tried again, “is there any infidelity in your marriage?”

“Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don’t necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes.”

“Ma’am, does your husband ever beat you up?”

“Yes,” she responded, “about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do.”

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, “Lady, why do you want a divorce?”

“Oh, I don’t want a divorce,” she replied. “I’ve never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can’t communicate with me!”

You’re Hired!

But The Mice Are Easier To Catch

I Wish I’d Seen This Before

Cheeto Art

Because Walking Away Just Wasn’t An Option

If They Didn’t Like Loud Drunk People They Should Have Moved Somewhere Else

No, You Always Had A Dirty Mind

Until I Can Get My Hands On Some Cocaine

Well That’s One Way To Increase Sales

Just In Case You Were Wondering Why The Brownie Hadn’t Kicked In Yet