The Ballad of Beaker – The Muppets

Six Golden Rules For F***ing

1. F***ing once a week is good for your health but harmful if done every day.
2. F***ing gives proper relaxation for your mind and body.
3. F***ing refreshes you.
4. After F***ing don’t eat too much; drink more liquids.
5. When F***ing try to stay in bed because it can save you valuable energy.
6. F***ing can even reduce your cholesterol level

So, remember “FASTING” is good for your health
What did you think I was talking about?

Big Mistake

A man is brought in by paramedics to a busy New York emergency room. He has a heavy concussion, a split lip, two black eyes, and a twisted five-iron golf club wrapped tightly around his throat.

The doctor brings him around and asks what happened.

The man gathers himself and says, “Well, it was like this. I was having a peaceful round of golf with my wife when, on a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a pasture of cows. We went looking for them, and while I was searching, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end.

So, I walked over, lifted the cow’s tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife’s monogram on it — stuck right in the middle of the cow’s backside. That’s when I made my big mistake.”

“Big mistake?” the doctor asks. “What did you do?”

“Well,” the man replies, “I lifted the cow’s tail and yelled over to my wife, ‘Hey, honey… this looks like yours!’”

They Walk Among Us

I was at the checkout of a K-Mart. The clerk rang up $46.64 charge. I gave her a fifty dollar bill. She gave me back $46.64. I gave the money back to her and told her that she had made a mistake in MY favor. She became indignant and informed me she was Educated and knew what she was doing, and returned the money again. I gave her the Money back ….same scenario! I departed the store with the $46.64.

They Walk Among Us and Many Work Retail

I walked into a Starbucks with a buy-one-get-one-free coupon for a Grande Latte. I handed it to the girl and she looked over at a little chalkboard that said ‘buy one-get one free.’ ‘They’re already buy-one-get-one-free,’ she said, ‘so I guess they’re both free’. She handed me my free Lattes and I walked out the door.

They Walk Among Us!

One day I was walking down the beach with some Friends when one of them shouted, ‘Look at that dead bird!’. Someone looked up at the sky and said, ‘Where’?

They Walk Among Us!

While looking at a house, my brother asked the real Estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn’t want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, ‘Does the sun rise in the north?’ When my brother explained that the sun rises in the East, and has for sometime, she shook her head and said, ‘Oh I don’t keep up with all that stuff.’

They Walk Among Us!

My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk.

They Walk Among Us! And sometimes were related

I couldn’t find my luggage at the airport baggage area, so I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. ‘Now,’ she asked me, has your plane arrived yet?’

They Walk Among Us!

While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked Him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding. ‘Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don’t think I’m hungry enough to eat 6 pieces.’

They Walk Among Us,
and they Reproduce,
and Worst of all

THEY VOTE

This explains a lot.

How Many Different Kinds?

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?”

The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In he 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears. still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.”

“Onions?” the son asks.

“Yes. You see them and they make you cry.”

This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?”

The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his Willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.”

“A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks.

“Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”

Types Of Shits

Dogshit = Very poor quality
Bullshit = Not true
Horseshit = Nonsense
Apeshit = Rambunctious
Batshit = Insane
Chickenshit = Cowards
Ratshit = Poor quality
No Shit = Obviously
Holy Shit = Mind blowing
Hot Shit = Very good
Dip Shit = A total dumbass
Tuff Shit = Take it or leave it
Jack Shit = Nothing
The Shit = Perfection
Shiiit = Expression of extreme disbelief

Mother In Law

A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. The farmer had genuinely tried to be friendly to his new mother-in-law, hoping that it could be a friendly, non-antagonistic relationship. All to no avail though, as she kept nagging them at every opportunity, demanding changes, offering unwanted advice, and generally making life unbearable to the farmer and his new bride.

While they were walking through the barn, during the forced inspection, the farmer’s mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly. It was a shock to all no matter their feelings toward her demanding ways… At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head yes and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, however, he would shake his head no, and mumble a reply. Very curious as to this bizarre behavior, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about.

The farmer replied, “The women would say, ‘What a terrible tragedy’ and I would nod my head and say “Yes, it was.” The men would then ask, “Can I borrow that mule?” and I would shake my head and say, ‘Can’t, it’s all booked up for a year.’”

Wit And Wisdom Of Whoever

As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind – every part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder.
John Glenn

America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real but the moon landing was faked.
David Letterman

I’m not a paranoid, deranged millionaire. Dammit, I’m a billionaire.
Howard Hughes

After the game, the King and the pawn go into the same box.
Italian proverb

Men are like linoleum floors. Lay ‘em right and you can walk all over them for thirty years.
Betsy Salkind

The only reason they say ‘Women and children first’ is to test the strength of the lifeboats.
Jean Kerr

I’ve been married to a communist and a fascist, and neither would take out the garbage.
Zsa Zsa Gabor

You know you’re a redneck if your home has wheels and your car doesn’t.
Jeff Foxworthy

When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.
Prince Philip

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.
Emo Philips.

Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself.
Harrison Ford

The best cure for sea sickness, is to sit under a tree.
Spike Milligan

Lawyers believe a man is innocent until proven broke.
Robin Hall

Kill one man and you’re a murderer, kill a million and you’re a conqueror.
Jean Rostand.

Having more money doesn’t make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I’m just as happy as when I had 48 million.
Arnold Schwarzenegger.

We are here on earth to do good unto others. What the others are here for, I have no idea.
WH Auden

In hotel rooms I worry. I can’t be the only guy who sits on the furniture naked.
Jonathan Katz

If life were fair Elvis would still be alive today and all the impersonators would be dead.
Johnny Carson

I don’t believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we’re very skeptical.
Arthur C. Clarke

Hollywood must be the only place on earth where you can be fired by a man wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a baseball cap.
Steve Martin

Home cooking. Where many a man thinks his wife is.
Jimmy Durante

The first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone.
George Roberts

If God had intended us to fly he would have made it easier to get to the airport.
Jonathan Winters

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.
Robert Benchley

Well How Did You Think He Got The Job

A priest was approached one night by Satan himself. “Do not be frightened,” said Satan. “l have an offer to make. I will make you tremendously powerful, famous and rich in return
for just one small favor: half of your ability to hear.”

The priest was stunned. “Let me think about it for a few days.” The next morning, the priest requested to meet the bishop. “Your Excellency, I need your advice for a temptation I have been given!” He told over his strange encounter.

The bishop was shocked. “A deal with Satan?! Do not do it, it will destroy your soul!” But he could see the priest was not convinced. So the bishop arranged a meeting with the archbishop. “Your Excellency, this priest has an urgent matter he needs advice about!” He told over the story. The archbishop bowed his head in silent prayer, and after a few moments responded. “Firstly, your hearing is a gift from God. It would be forbidden to sacrifice any part of it. Secondly, a deal with Satan?!? Never do it!” But the priest wasn’t convinced.

He was imagining all the wealth, fame and power he’d receive. So the archbishop requested an audience with the Pope. The three of them came into the Papal office in great awe. They sat, and the archbishop spoke. “Your Holiness, this priest has a terrible temptation and needs advice!” “Sorry,” said the Pope, “could you speak a little louder?”

You Know Your In Big Trouble At Work When…

…the new policy on sexual harassment included a photo of you.
…the Security guard made a complete inventory of my work area.
…my assistant began responding to my memos with, “Yeah, whatever.”
…I got a “It’s for you loser” wav receiving e-mail, & not a chime.
…my new Pentium was replaced with an 386sx-16 last weekend.
…the Human Resources Dept requested an update of my arrest record.
…the Boss asked if I still had a copy of my 5 year contract.
…I noticed co-workers measuring my office when I arrived at work.
…my parking spot was relocated next to the dumpster.
…my secretary sez things like “Get the phone, my nails aren’t dry.”
…three people began helping me write a “desk manual” for my job.
…the LAN suddenly began backing-up my computer every 10 minutes.
…a large paper recycling box was placed next to my file cabinets.
…the receptionist began saying “Who?” to anyone calling for me.

What Did You Treat His Cough With?

A pharmacist walks into his shop to find a man leaning against the wall.

‘What’s wrong with him?’ he asks his assistant.

‘He came in for some cough syrup,’ the assistant explains. ‘But I couldn’t find any, so I sold him a bottle of laxatives instead.’

‘What!’ the chemist says, horrified. ‘You can’t treat a cough with laxatives!’

‘Of course you can,’ the assistant declares. ‘Look at him, he’s far too scared to cough.’

And Last

It’s Coming Sooner Then You Think

That Was Nice Of Her

So What Did You Use Back In The Old Days Dad?

Why Didn’t They Teach This In School

Now I’m Protected!

How Bad Is Your Job?

Is This An Instructional Game?

The Wine Finally Makes It Taste Good

Looks Pretty Accurate