Jim Carrey – Stand-up show – Unnatural Act (2/3)

Jim Carrey – Stand-up show – Unnatural Act (3/3)

Bart Simpson Chalkboard Sayings

1. I will not waste chalk
2. I will not skateboard in the halls
3. I will not burp in class
4. I will not instigate revolution
5. I will not draw naked ladies in class
6. I did not see Elvis
7. I will not call my teacher ‘Hot Cakes’
8. Garlic gum is not funny
9. They are laughing at me, not with me
10. I will not yell “fire” in a crowded classroom
11. I will not encourage others to fly
12. I will not fake my way through life
13. Tar is not a plaything
14. I will not Xerox my butt
15. I will not trade pants with others
16. I will not do that thing with my tongue
17. I will not drive the principal’s car
18. I will not pledge allegiance to Bart
19. I will not sell school property
20. I will not cut corners
21. I will not get very far with this attitude
22. I will not make flatulent noises in class
23. I will not belch the National Anthem
24. I will not sell land in Florida
25. I will not grease the monkey bars
26. I will not hide behind the Fifth Amendment
27. I will not do anything bad ever again
28. I will not show off {The board was written in an Old English font}

Ah Married Life

A man calls 911 and says “I think my wife is dead”. The operator says, “How do you know?” He says “The sex is about the same, but the ironing is piling up!”

My wife has been missing for a week now. The police said to prepare for the worst. So, I went down to Goodwill to get all of her clothes back

I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair, but by turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing.
I converted to Islam, and we’re stoning her in the morning!

The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can’t afford batteries!

Best And Worst Comments Taken From MIT Course Evaluation Guide

1. “Text is useless. I use it to kill roaches in my room.”

2. “He teaches like Speedy Gonzalez on a caffeine high.”

3. “In class, the syllabus is more important than you are.”

4. “Help! I’ve fallen asleep and I can’t wake up!”

5. “Text makes a satisfying ‘thud’ when dropped on the floor.”

6. “The class is worthwhile because I need it for the degree.”

7. “His blackboard technique puts Rembrandt to shame”

8. “Textbook is confusing…someone with a knowledge of English should proofread it.”

9. “Have you ever fallen asleep in class and awoke in another? That’s the way I felt all term.”

10. “This class was a religious experience for me…I had to take it all on faith.”

11. “The recitation instructor would make a good parking lot attendant. Tries to tell you where to go, but you can never understand him.”

12. “Problems sets are a decoy to lure you away from potential exam material.”

13. “Recitation was great. It was so confusing that I forgot who I was, where I was, and what I was doing–It’s a great stress reliever.”

14. “He is one of the best teachers I have had…He is well-organized, presents good lectures, and creates interest in the subject. I hope my comments don’t hurt his chances of getting tenure.”

15. “I would sit in class and stare out the window at the squirrels. They’ve got a cool nest in the tree.”

16. “The absolute value of the TA was less than epsilon.”

17. “TA steadily improved throughout the course…I think he started drinking and it really loosened him up.”

18. “Information was presented like a ruptured fire hose–spraying in all directions–no way to stop it.”

19. “I never bought the text. My $60 was better spent on the Led Zeppelin tapes that I used while doing the problem sets”

20. “What’s the quality of the text? ‘Text is printed on high quality paper.’

21. “The course was very thorough. What wasn’t covered in class was covered on the final exam.”

Baby’s First Doctor Visit

A woman and a baby were in the doctor’s examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby’s first exam.

The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.

‘Breast-fed, ‘ she replied…

‘Well, strip down to your waist’, the doctor ordered.

She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.

Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, ‘ No wonder this baby is underweight. You don’t have any milk. ‘

I know, ‘ she said, ‘ I’m his Grandma, but I’m glad I came.

Best Out Of Office Automatic E-Mail Replies

1. I am currently out of the office at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position.
Please be prepared for my mood.

2. You are receiving this automatic notification, because I am out of the office.
If I was in, chances are you wouldn’t have received anything at all.

3. Sorry to have missed you, but I’m at the doctor’s having my brain and heart removed so I can be promoted to our management team.

4. I will be unable to delete all the emails you send me until I return from vacation.
Please be patient, and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.

5. Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first 10 words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.

6. The email server is unable to verify your server connection.
Your message has not been delivered.
Please restart your computer and try sending again.
(The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see who did this over and over and over….)

7. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system.
You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately
19 weeks.

8. Hi, I’m thinking about what you’ve just sent me.
Please wait by your PC for my response.

9. I’ve run away to join a different circus.

10. I will be out of the office for the next two weeks for medical reasons.
When I return, please refer to me as ‘Lucille’ instead of Steve.

Handy Guide To Movie Ratings

G: No girl.
PG: The hero gets the girl.
R: The bad guy gets the girl, then the good guy gets the girl.
X: The hero still gets the girl in the end, but he’s never sure which end it will be.
XXX: Everybody gets the girl.”

Ethnic Guide To Dating Women

1. A CAUCASIAN WOMAN:
First date: You get to kiss her goodnight.
Second date: You get to grope all over and make out.
Third date: You get to have sex but only in the missionary position.

2. IRISH WOMAN:
First Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
Second Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
20th Anniversary: You both get blind drunk and have sex.

3. ITALIAN WOMAN:
First Date: You take her to a play and an expensive restaurant.
Second Date: You meet her parents and her Mom makes spaghetti & meatballs.
Third Date: You have sex, she wants to marry you & insists on a 3 carat ring.
5th Anniversary: You already have 5 kids together & hate the thought of having sex.
6th Anniversary: You find yourself a girlfriend.

4. JEWISH WOMAN:
First Date: You get dynamite head.
Second Date: You get more great head.
Third Date: You tell her you’ll marry her and never get head again.

5. POLISH WOMAN:
First Date: You go to pick her up, and she isn’t home. She gave you the wrong address.
Second Date: You decide to meet at a restaurant. She gets lost getting to the restaurant and then again going home.
Third Date: She’s pregnant. She’s not sure if it’s hers.

6. CHINESE WOMAN:
First date: You get to buy her an expensive dinner but nothing happens.
Second date: You buy her an even more expensive dinner but nothing happens again.
Third date: You don’t even get to the third date and you have already realized nothing is going to happen.

7. INDIAN WOMAN:
First date: Meet her parents.
Second date: Set the date of the wedding.
Third date: Wedding night.

8. BLACK WOMAN:
First Date: You get to buy her a real expensive dinner.
Second Date: You get to buy her and her girlfriends a real expensive dinner.
Third Date: You get to pay her rent.
Tenth Date: She’s pregnant by someone other than you.

9. LATIN WOMAN:
First Date: You buy her an expensive dinner, get her drunk on Riunite, have sex in the back of her car.
Second Date: She is pregnant.
Third Date: Move in with her, her two cousins, her sister’s boyfriend and live happily ever after eating rice and beans in the Bronx.

More Fun Things To Do When Driving

1. Look behind you frequently, with a very paranoid look.
2. Restart your car at every stop light.
3. Hang numerous car-fresheners in the rear-view mirror. Talk to them, stroking them lovingly.
4. Lob burning things in the windows of smokers who throw their butts out the window.
5. Keep at least five cats in the car.
6. Squeegee your windshield at every stop.
7. If an fire truck comes up behind you, pull over, get on the roof of your car, and do a cheer for them as they pass!
8. Compliment other drivers on their skill and finesse.
9. Have conversations, looking periodically at the passenger seat, when driving alone.
10. Stop and collect road kill.
11. Stop and pray for road kill.
12. Stop and cook road kill. (If in Tennessee.)
13. Throw Spam. Tape signs on windows protesting email abuse.
14. Get in the fast lane and gradually… slow… down… to…a stop. Then get out and watch the cars.
15. Vary your vehicle’s speed inversely with the speed limit.
16. Drive off an exit ramp, ask for directions to the town you’re in. When they tell you you’re there, look confused, glance at your map, laugh, and exclaim, “Oh! Wrong state!”
17. Sing without having the radio on.
18. At stop lights, run out of your car, place pylons around you, then gather them back up as the light changes and drive off.

New Machine At The Gym

Just been to the gym.
They’ve got a new machine in.
Could only use it for half an hour, as I started to feel sick.
It’s great though. It provides me with everything I need – KitKats, Mars Bars, Snickers, Potato Chips…”

Zen Teachings

Sex is like air. It’s not that important unless you aren’t getting any.

Always remember you’re unique. Just like everyone else.

Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

If you think nobody cares whether you’re alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.

If at first you don’t succeed, sky-diving is not for you.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.

If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.

Some days you are the dog, some days you are the tree.

Don’t worry; it only seems kinky the first time.

Good judgment comes from bad experience … and most of that comes from bad judgment.

A closed mouth gathers no foot.

There are two excellent theories for arguing with women. Neither one works.

Generally speaking, you aren’t learning much when your lips are moving.

Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.

We are born naked, wet and hungry, and then things just keep getting worse.

What, The Elevator Was Broken

Do They Make You Fetch Too?

Redefining The Term “Occupational Hazard”

I’m Going To Go Out On A Limb Here And Say You Don’t Know What That’s For

First Off, That’s A Bull…

1930′s Ad – I’ve Never Seen That Fat Slob Look Better Then When She Was On Her Death Bed

And You Thought It Was Just A Movie

Look, Free Flat Screen TV’s!

Can I Pay For The Oxygen As The Plane Is Crashing? If I’m Not Going To Need It, I Don’t Want To Waste The Money.

We Finally Found A Drawback To The iPod