Silly Job Interview – Monty Python

10 Signs You Should Ask Your Boss For A Raise

10. You take your paycheck to the bank and the teller bursts out in hysterical laughter.
9. The Red Cross calls and offers you emergency assistance.
8. Your only charge cards are for the Salvation Army, ARC, and DAV thrift stores.
7. You work full-time and you still qualify for food stamps (Wal-Mart No Joke).
6. You empty out your piggy bank and then cook the bank and serve it for your Easter ham.
5. All you can think about morning, noon and night is clipping grocery coupons.
4. You file your income taxes and the IRS returns them stamped, “Charity Case — Return To Sender.”
3. You set the world record for mailing $1.00 rebate requests to Young America, Minnesota.
2. You pay all your bills, put your remaining $1 bill into your billfold and it goes into shock.
1. You get arrested for taking the coins out of the fountain in the mall.

Even A King Can’t Stop Freedom Of The Press

A King enrolled his donkey in a race & won.

Local papers read: ‘KING’s ASS WON’

The king was so upset with this kind of publicity that he gave the donkey to queen.

The local paper then read: “QUEEN HAS THE BEST ASS IN TOWN”

The king fainted….

Queen sold the donkey to a farmer for $1000.

Next day papers read: “QUEEN SELLING HER ASS FOR $1000″

The queen fainted…

The next day king ordered queen to buy back the donkey and leave it in the jungle.

The Next Headlines: “QUEEN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS FREE & WILD”

The king died

Life Points

1: Had sex – 10
2: Smoked – 6
3: Got drunk – 2
4: Kissed someone of opposite sex. – 6
5: Kissed someone of same sex. – 9
6: Peed in the pool. – 1
7: Been suspended in college. – 9
8: Been in a fist fight. – 6
9: Stole something. – 3
10: Done drugs. – 9
11: Been in love. – 2
12: Cried. – 7
13: Been heartbroken. – 7
14: Got arrested. – 12
15: Made out in public. – 11

If your score Is less than 40 you really need to get, a life!

He Probably Had More Fun With The Beer

Lady: Do you drink beer?
Man: Yes
Lady: How many per day?
Man: 3
Lady: How much do you pay per beer?
Man: $5 each including tip.
Lady: How long have you been drinking.
Man: About 20 years.
Lady: 3 beers a day equates to $450 per month or $5,400 per year. In 20 years, that’s $108,OOO
Man: Sounds correct.
Lady: Did you know that if you put that money in a savings account, that after interest, you would have had enough money to buy a plane?
Man: Do you drink beer?
Lady: No.
Man: Where’s your fucking plane?

Male Response To “How’s it going?” Severity Scale

Pretty good – Not good
Can’t complain – Rough couple of weeks
It’s going – Alcohol and cigarettes are keeping him going
Just another day in paradise – Hates his job. wife and life
Things couldn’t be better – Going to park on the train tracks
Meh – I have replaced the breaker with a roofing nail and am sitting inside a filling bathtub with my toaster.

Smart Grandma

Two old ladies, Dolly and Ruby were talking about their grandchildren.

Dolly said, “Each year I send each of my grandchildren a card with a generous cheque inside. I never hear from them… never receive a thank you message.”

Ruby replies, “I send my grandchildren a very generous cheque as well, but I hear from them within a week after they receive it. In fact, they each pay me a personal visit.”

“Wow! How come?” remarked Dolly.

“Very simple solution…I don’t sign the cheque”

Top Five Homework Excuses

5: Did we have homework? No one told me we had homework!
4: The textbook didn’t have any answers in it.
3: It spontaneously combusted as soon as I finished it!
2: My brother was sick so he couldn’t do it for me.
1: I’m a teenager I know EVERYTHING

So What’s His Kryptonite?

Customer: “I also want a pound of Swiss cheese, but I don’t want it sliced.”
Me: “So you’d just like a one-pound block of cheese?”
Customer: “Exactly. Can you do that?”
Me: “I sure can.” (I take the cheese over to the sandwich station to get a large knife, measure approximately where I think one pound would be, and cut off a block. I put it on the scale, and much to my satisfaction, the weight of the block I cut is 1.005 pounds.)
Me: “Well hey, that was pretty good!” (The customer looks at the scales.)
Customer: “Oh, my God! How did you do that?!”
Me: “Lots Of practice?”
Customer: “NO, no, that wouldn’t do it. You must have some kind of supernatural cheese power!”
Me: “Well, I was born on a dying cheese planet, and sent to Earth in a cheese rocket by my parents. Exposure to Earth’s yellow sun gives me cheese powers.”
Customer: “Whoa. Honey, come here! You’ve got to see this!” (The customer’s wife comes over and listens to the story.)
Customer’s Wife: Can you do that again?”
(I look over at my manager, who rolls her eyes and gives me a ‘go ahead’ wave. I cut another block Off the Swiss cheese and weigh it. It comes up to O. 995 pounds.)
Customer’s Wife: “Jesus Christ!” (She grabs the arm of another passing customer.)
Customer’s Wife: “You’ve got to see this! This guy is Cheese Man!”
Me: “Ma’am, please don’t give away my secret identity. The cheese villains of the world would hunt me down.”

Words of Wisdom

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself ~~ “Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.”
– Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)

I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered.
But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: “No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.”
– Eleanor Roosevelt

Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.
– Mark Twain

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.
– George Burns

Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
– Victor Borge

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
– Mark Twain

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.
– Socrates

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
– Groucho Marx

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
– Jimmy Durante

I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
– Zsa Zsa Gabor

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
– Alex Levine

My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
– Rodney Dangerfield

Money can’t buy you happiness .. but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
– Spike Milligan

I am opposed to millionaires… but it would be dangerous to offer me the position.
– Mark Twain

Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP.
– Joe Namath

I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything until noon.
Then it’s time for my nap.
– Bob Hope

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
– W.C. Fields

We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.
– Will Rogers

Don’t worry about avoiding temptation; as you grow older, it will avoid you.
– Winston Churchill

Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty … but everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
– Phyllis Diller

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he’s too old to go anywhere.
– Billy Crystal

The cardiologist’s diet: If it tastes good, spit it out.

Why Cows Don’t Talk

God: You’re a cow.
Cow: Ok.
God: You’re baby is a calf.
Cow: Ask me why I’m tired after giving birth.
God: W-what?
Cow: Ask me why I’m tired after giving birth.
God: Why are you tired after giving birth?
Cow: I’m decalfeinated : )
God:
Cow: Someone’s laughtose intolerant

I Needed This

These Are The Good Times

And This Isn’t Even A Government Job

You Were Warned

Obviously Part Of Some Religious Ritual

Next Time Don’t Fall Asleep At Your Desk

Mean…Funny, But Mean

You Know That Had To Have Happened

The Good Old Days, When Real Uranium Was Included!

No, This Was After The Camera Was Off