Human Centipede Anonymous

Creative Insults

• Any similarity between you and a human is purely coincidental!
• Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn’t have given you worse advice.
• Are your parents siblings?
• As an outsider, what do you think of the human race?
• Better at sex than anyone; now all he needs is a partner.
• Calling you stupid would be an insult to stupid people.
• Did your parents ever ask you to run away from home?
• Do you ever wonder what life would be like if you’d had enough oxygen at birth?
• Do you want people to accept you as you are or do you want them to like you?
• Don’t you have a terribly empty feeling – in your skull?
• Do you still love nature, despite what it did to you?
• Don’t you need a license to be that ugly?
• Every girl has the right to be ugly, but you abused the privilege!
• Go ahead, tell them everything you know. It’ll only take 10 seconds.
• Have you considered suing your brains for non-support?

Avon Calling

An Avon lady was alone in an elevator when suddenly she had to fart. She promptly reached into her bag and sprayed the air with an Avon pine scented deodorizer. Two floors later, a gentleman got on the elevator. He began to sniff, and the Avon lady asked, “Do you smell something?”

“Well, yes I do,” he replied.

“What does it smell like,” she asked?

The bemused man answered, “I’m not sure, but it kind of smells like someone crapped under a Christmas tree.”

Love and Marriage

Love is holding hands in the street
Marriage is holding arguments in the street

Love is dinner for 2 in your favorite restaurant
Marriage is Chinese take-out

Love is cuddling (??) on a sofa
Marriage is deciding on a sofa

Love is talking about having children
Marriage is talking about getting away from children

Love is going to bed early
Marriage is going to sleep early

Love is losing your appetite
Marriage is losing your figure

Love is sweet nothings in the ear
Marriage is sweet nothing’s in the bank

Love is a flickering flame
Marriage is a flickering television

Love is 1 drink and 2 straws (????)
Marriage is “Don’t you think you’ve had enough!”

Genetic Engineer

The other day I met a good friend of mine who is a genetic engineer. He was happy to tell me about his job.
His latest project is the splicing of DNA from different species of birds.
First he combined the DNA from a pheasant and a hen. It worked! He called it a “Phen.”
Next he successfully combined a pheasant and a goose. He called it a “Phoose.”
Yesterday, he explained, he finally was able to mix a pheasant and a duck.

He called it… “Charlie”.

You people have dirty minds!

My Town Is So Tough…

• Hotels ask your name, address and next of kin to register.
• Ice-cream trucks play “taps”.
• Gun shops have “Back to School” sales.
• High school newspapers have obituary columns.
• Restaurants serve broken leg of lamb.
• Most people in bowling alleys bowl overhand.
• Schools require a sick note to be co-signed by a parole officer.
• Christmas pageants feature the three Wise Guys.
• Advice columns provide hints like how to get blood off of a chain saw.
• Our 911 emergency service has a two day waiting list.
• “Honor students” practice saying, “Yes, your honor” and “No, your honor”.
• Mothers give their kids $5 every day for the holdup man.
• Forgery 101 and Advanced Counterfeiting are required subjects.

Grandparents

Good morning . . . At present we are not at home but, please leave your message after you hear the beep. Beeeeeppp.

If you are one of our children, dial 1 and then select the option from 1 to 5 in order of “arrival” so we know who it is.

If you need us to stay with the children, press 2
If you want to borrow the car, press 3
If you want us to wash your clothes and ironing, press 4
If you want the grandchildren to sleep here tonight, press 5
If you want us to pick up the kids at school, press 6
If you want us to prepare a meal for Sunday or to have it delivered to your home, press 7
If you want to come to eat here, press 8
If you need money, press 9

If you are going to invite us to dinner, or, taking us to the theater start talking we are listening !!!!!!!!!!!”

Things You’d Like To Hear

just once …

From a mechanic:
“That part is much less expensive than I thought.”
“I’ve never seen anyone maintain his car as well as you do.”
“You could get that done more cheaply at the garage down the street.”
“It was just a loose wire. No charge.”

From your child’s preschool teacher:
“Everyone misbehaved today except Michael.”
“Michael traded his candy bar for carrot sticks.”
“I wish we had 20 Michaels.”

From a store sales assistant:
“The computerized cash register is down. I’ll just add up your purchases with a pencil and paper.”
“I’ll take a break after I finish waiting on these customers.”
“We’re sorry we sold you defective merchandise. We’ll pick it up at your home and bring you a new one or give you a complete refund, whichever you prefer.”

From your doctor:
“Of course I’ll come by your house to check on you.”
“Give me a call at home over the weekend if you’re not feeling better.”
“Sure, come on by this afternoon, we’ll work you in.”
“I’ll call ahead and let them know the most you will pay for that test.”
“Here, take these samples.”
“Don’t worry about it, there’s no charge for that.”
“Yes, the test shows exactly what is wrong with you and this is how you heal it.”
“I recommend you get a second opinion.”

From a contractor:
“Whoever worked on this before sure knew what he was doing.”
“I think I came in a little high on that estimate.”

From a dentist:
“I think you’re flossing too much.”
“I won’t ask you any questions until I take the pick out of your mouth.”

From restaurant staff:
“I think it’s presumptuous for a waiter to volunteer his name, but since you ask, it’s Tim.”
“I was slow and inattentive. I cannot accept any tip.”

The Photo On The Night Stand

After a long night of making love, to his new girlfriend the guy notices a photo of another man, on the woman’s nightstand by the bed. He begins to worry.

‘Is this your husband?’ he nervously asks.

‘No, silly,’ she replies, snuggling up to him.

‘Your boyfriend, then?’ he continues.

‘No, not at all,’ she says, nibbling away at his ear.

‘Is it your dad or your brother?’ he inquires, hoping to be reassured.

‘No, no, no! You are so hot when you’re jealous!’ she answers.

‘Well, who in the hell is he, then?’ he demands.

She whispers in his ear

‘That’s me before the surgery.’…

Translated Signs From Around The World

In a Laundromat: Automatic washing machines: Please remove all your clothes when the light goes out.

In a Japanese hotel: You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.

In a Bucharest hotel lobby: The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.

In a Yugoslavian hotel: The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.

In a Japanese hotel room: Please to bathe inside the tub.

In an Acapulco hotel: The manager has personally passed all the water served here.

In a Tokyo Hotel: Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not person to do such thing is please not to read notice.

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant: Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.

Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

Outside a Paris dress shop: Dresses for street walking.

This Is Scary

I was in the emergency room when a young male nurse came in to ask routine medical questions.

Nurse: Have you ever had a hysterectomy?

Me: Yes.

Nurse: When?

Me: 2011.

Nurse: Do you think you could be pregnant?

Me: Do you think this is the right career for you?

Well What Did You Think He Looked Like Under All That Fur?

Please Tell Me This Is Only In America

Well At Least He’s Honest

Cats Haven’t Done Any Of These Things Either But They Can’t Stay Because We Just Don’t Like Them

I’m Guessing Coca-Cola Didn’t Mean For This To End Up Looking This Way

Well You Said To Hide It

Ah The Good Old Days!

Because Dinosaurs Don’t Have To Care What Anyone Thinks

Not Everyone Is Cut Out To Be A Decorator

And What, You Were Expecting Jet Packs?