Rodney Dangerfield & Andy Kaufman as Dr. Vinnie Boombatz (1983)

Bumper Stickers

1. Make yourself at home! Clean my kitchen.
2. Don’t bother me. I’m living happily ever after.
3. This isn’t an office. It’s Hell with fluorescent lighting.
4. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
5. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
6. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
7. You! Off my planet!
8. I like cats, too. Let’s exchange recipes.
9. Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.
10. Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?
11. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed it.
12. Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage.
13. I’m not your type. I’m not inflatable.
14. I’m trying to imagine you with a personality.
15. Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven’t fallen asleep yet.
16. Don’t worry. I forgot your name, too!
17. Adults are just kids who owe money.
18. You say I’m a bitch like it’s a bad thing.
19. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
20. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
21. If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I’ll put shoes on my cat.
22. You look like shit. Is that the style now?
23. Earth is full. Go home.
24. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
25. I’m not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
26. I majored in liberal arts. Do you want fries with that?
27. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
28. I’ve seen better looking butts in an ash tray.

A Dirty Poem?

Roses are red, nuts are brown.
Skirts go up, pants go down.

Body to body, skin to skin.
When it’s stiff, stick it in.

It goes in dry and comes out wet.
And the longer it’s in, the stronger it gets.

It comes out dripping and it starts to sag.

It’s not what you think, it’s a LIPTON Tea bag.

Get your mind out of the gutter.

Age advice

I just took a leaflet out of my mailbox, informing me that I can have sex at 68.
I’m so happy, because I live at number 72.
So it’s not too far to walk home afterwards.
And it’s on the same side of the street…
I don’t even have to cross the road!

Answering machine message,
“I am not available right now, but thank you for caring enough to call.
I am making some changes in my life.
Please leave a message after the beep.
If I do not return your call, you are one of the changes.”

Aspire to inspire before you expire.

My wife and I had words, but I didn’t get to use mine.

Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses.

The irony of life is that, by the time you’re old enough to know your way around, you’re too old to go anywhere.

I was always taught to respect my elders, but it keeps getting harder to find one.

Every morning is the dawn of a new error.

Golfing Priest

One Sunday morning, a priest wakes up and decides to go golfing. He calls his boss and says that he feels very sick, and won’t be able to go to work.

Way up in heaven, Saint Peter sees all this and asks God, “Are you really going to let him get away with this?”

“No, I guess not,” says God.

The priest drives about five to six hours away, so he doesn’t bump into anyone he knows. The golf course is empty when he gets there. So he takes his first swing, drives the ball 495 yards away and gets a hole in one.

Saint Peter watches in disbelief and asks, “Why did you let him do that?”

To this God says, “Who’s he going to tell?”

Ground Crew Humor

After every flight, commercial pilots fill out a form, called a ‘gripe sheet,’ which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft.
The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high school diploma to fix one:

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit
S: Something tightened in cockpit

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That’s what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you’re right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search

P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

And the best one for last

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from the midget

Mean…Funny…But Mean

Years ago, my Mother-in-law began reading, “The Exorcist”.

She said it was the most evil book she ever read. So evil in fact, she couldn’t finish it, took it over to the beach and threw it into the ocean off a fishing pier.

I went and bought another copy, ran the faucet over it and left it in the night table drawer by her bed.
My Father-in-law said that night was the first time she ever screamed and fainted.

I’m going to Hell, but I’ll go laughing.

New Barbie Dolls

1. DIVORCED BARBIE (comes with all of Ken’s accessories)
2. CANCER PATIENT BARBIE (remove the wig and Barbie’s bald)
3. BREAST IMPLANT BARBIE (now Barbie’s a DDDD-cup)
4. TEENAGE SINGLE PARENT BARBIE (“welfare check” from Mattel mailed each month)
5. CRACK ADDICT BARBIE (pipe included, sugar may be used to simulate crack cocaine)
6. BOULEVARD BARBIE (with cheap makeup, short skirt, and high heels)
7. LESBIAN BARBIE (Barbie with a butch)
8. LIPSTICK LESBIAN BARBIE (actually no different in appearance from regular Barbie)
9. ANOREXIA BARBIE (no different in appearance from regular Barbie)
10. BOBBIT BARBIE (with knife, Ken had better watch out)
11. QUANTUM PHYSICIST BARBIE (yeah, right)
12. BOW-WOW BARBIE (the ugliest Barbie you’ve ever seen)
13. PUNK BARBIE (has rings in all sorts of strange places)
14. FEMINIST BARBIE (has unshaved legs and armpits)
15. BARBIE BROWN SIMPSON (slashed neck and bloody body, carton of Ben & Jerry’s Cookie Dough included)
16. BRUNETTE BARBIE (the only Barbie with a brain)
17. BLACK BARBIE (once your Ken doll goes black, he’ll never go back)
18. BATTERED WIFE BARBIE (comes with a restraining order to serve to Ken)

What Did You Think We Used Those Things For?

I was visiting my daughter last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.

“This is the 21 st century” she said. “We don’t waste money on newspapers. Here, use my ipad.”

I can tell you this…that fly never knew what hit him.

Ways To Get Rid Of Your Blind Date

1. At dinner, guard your plate with fork and steak knife, so as to give the impression that you’ll stab anyone, including the waiter, who reaches for it.
2. Collect the salt shakers from all of the tables in the restaurant, and balance them in a tower on your table.
3. Wipe your nose on your date’s sleeve. Twice.
4. Make funny faces at other patrons, then sneer at their reactions.
5. Repeat every third third word you say say.
6. Give your claim to fame as being voted “Most Festerous” for your high school yearbook.
7. Read a newspaper or book during the meal. Ignore your date.
8. Stare at your date’s neck, and grind your teeth audibly.
9. Twitch spastically. If asked about it, pretend you don’t know what they are talking about.
10. Stand up every five minutes, circle your table with your arms outstretched, and make airplane sounds.
11. Order a bucket of lard.
12. Ask for crayons to color the placemat. This works very well in fancier venues that use linen tablecloths.
13. Howl and whistle at women’s’ legs, especially if you are female.
14. Recite your dating history. Improvise. Include pets.
15. Pull out a harmonica and play blues songs when your date begins talking about themselves.
16. Sacrifice french fries to the great deity, Pomme.
17. When ordering, inquire whether the restaurant has any live food.
18. Without asking, eat off your date’s plate. Eat more from their plate than they do.

Which Is More Painful

Husband and wife having a discussion on what’s more painful-child birth or being kicked in the balls.

The man says-being kicked in the balls.

The wife says how do you figure?

Husband says, well after about a year the wife will usually say “you know I think I’d like to have another baby”. I have yet to hear a guy say “you know I think I’d like to be kicked in the balls again.”

Do I Need A Prescription For This?

Just The Thing For When Your In A Meeting And Have To Let One Rip!

We’ve All Had One Of Those Days, And Some Of Us Have Had One Of Those Lifetimes

How Would You Even Fix That?

Some Men Need More Help Then Others…Especially When Their Drunk

DON’T ARGUE!!! I’M TELLING YOU MY COOKIE DOUGH IS POSSESSED!!!

Forget Netflix, I’d Go To The Theater To See This

Drink Up Kid!

Either She’s Going To Say No Or You Got One Of The Good Ones!

But Why Is It Just PG?