What Moms Want For Valentine’s Day

Happy Valentine’s Day

The evening of Valentine’s Day. A man comes to a drug store:
- Good evening!
- Sorry, we are sold out…

A boyfriend asks his girlfriend:
- What gift would you like to receive during the St. Valentine’s Day?
- Well, I don’t know, – she answers shyly.
- OK, that I give you another year to think about it…

How do you wish Happy Valentine’s Day for a single?
Happy Independence Day

What do you call a very small Valentine? A Valentiny!

Girl: “I can’t be your valentine for medical reasons.”
Boy: “Really?”
Girl: “Yeah, you make me sick!”

Roses are red, violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentines Day, the side chick is you!

What’s the best part about Valentines Day? The day after when all the chocolate goes on sale.

I’m gonna spend Valentines day with my ex…… box 360

I can’t wait for valentines day because I get to make cupcakes for a special someone and that special someone is me.

Valentines day….. A day when taken people get laid and single people get drunk.

That awkward moment when valentines day is around the corner, and the only person that loves you is your mom.

Dear Ex-Valentine

Look no further. The hands-down, all-time winner of the Valentine writing contest has been found…

Dear Ex-Valentine,

I’m so miserable without you. It’s almost like having you around.

– Your Ex

Redneck Valentines

Collards is green
my dog’s name is Blue
and I’m so lucky
to have a sweet thang like you.

Yore hair is like cornsilk
a-flapping in the breeze
Softer than Blue’s
and without all them fleas.
You move like the bass,
which excite me in May.
You ain’t got no scales
but I luv you anyway.

Yo’re as satisfy’n as okry
jist a-fry’n in the pan.
Yo’re as fragrant as “snuff”
right out of the can.

You have som’a yore teeth,
for which I am proud;
I hold my head high
when we’re in a crowd.
On special occasions,
when you shave under yore arms,
well, I’m in hawg heaven,
and awed by yore charms.

Still them fellers at work,
they all want to know,
what I did to deserve
such a purdy, young doe.

Like a good roll of duct tape
yo’re there fer yore man,
to patch up life’s troubles
and fix what you can.

Yo’re as cute as a junebug
a-buzzin’ overhead.
You ain’t mean like those far ants
I found in my bed.

Cut from the best cloth
like a plaid flannel shirt,
you spark up my life
more than a fresh load of dirt.
When you hold me real tight
like a padded gunrack,
my life is complete;
Ain’t nuttin’ I lack.

Yore complexion, it’s perfection,
like the best vinyl sidin’.
despite all the years,
yore age, it keeps hidin’.
Me ‘n’ you’s like a Moon Pie
with a RC cold drank,
we go together
like a skunk goes with stank.

Some men, they buy chocolate
for Valentine’s Day;
They git it at Wal-Mart,
it’s romantic that way.

Some men git roses
on that special day
from the cooler at Kroger.
“That’s impressive,” I say.
Some men buy fine diamonds
from a flea market booth.
“Diamonds are forever,”
they explain, suave and couth.

But for this man, honey,
these won’t do.
Cause yo’re too special,
you sweet thang you.

I got you a gift,
without taste nor odor,
more useful than diamonds…

IT’S A NEW TROLLIN’ MOTOR!!

Yipeeee….Yee Ha!

Apples And Wine

Women are like apples on trees.

The best ones are at the top of the tree. Most men don’t want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they just get the rotten apples from the ground that aren’t as good, but easy……

So the apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they’re amazing. They just have to wait for the right man to come along, the one who’s brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree.

And… Men?

Men are like a fine wine. They start out as grapes, and it’s up to women to stomp the shit out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

Top Ten Rejected Valentine’s Day Cards

10. I admire your strength, I admire your spunk,
But the thing I like best, is getting you drunk.

9. Our love will never become cold and hollow,
Unless, one day, you refuse to swallow.

8. I bought this Valentine’s card at the store,
In hopes that, later, you’d be my whore.

7. This feels so good, it feels so right,
I just wish it wasn’t $250 a night.

6. You’re a woman of style, you’re a woman of class,
Especially when I’m spanking, your big-fat ass.

5. Before I met you, my heart was so famished,
But now I’m fulfilled, SO MAKE ME A SAMICH!

4. Through all the things that came to pass,
Our love has grown, but so has your ass!

3. You’re a honey, and you’re a cutie
I just wished you had J-Lo’s “booty”.

2. I don’t wanna be sappy or silly or corny,
So, right to the point, let’s do it, I’m horny!

1. If you think that hickey looks like a blister,
You should check out the one that I gave to your sister!

Man Of The House

The husband had just finished reading the book, ‘MAN OF THE HOUSE’.

He stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to his wife.
Pointing a finger in her face, he said, “From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I’m finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you are going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I’m finished with my bath, guess who’s going to dress me and comb my hair?”

His wife replied, “The funeral director would be my guess?!”

Children’s Books You Wish You Will Never See:

“You Were an Accident”
“Strangers Have the Best Candy”
“The Little Sissy Who Snitched”
“Some Kittens Can Fly!”
“How to Dress Sexy for Grownups”
“Getting More Chocolate on Your Face”
“Where Would You Like to Be Buried?”
“Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her”
“The Attention Deficit Disorder Association’s Book of Wild Animals of North America…Hey! Let’s Go Ride Our Bikes!”
“All Dogs Go to Hell”
“The Kids’ Guide to Hitchhiking”
“When Mommy and Daddy Don’t Know the Answer They Say, Because I Said So”
“Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia”
“What Is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog?”
“Why Can’t Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?”
“Daddy Drinks Because You Cry”
“Mister Policeman Eats His Service Revolver”
“You Are Different and That’s Bad”

Now That I Have Kids, I Realize They Weren’t Wrong, We Are

Today’s Kids: “Shut up mom! And get out of my room and close my door!”
Today’s Moms: “Okay I’m sorry I won’t do it again!”

Me back in the day: “Shut up momma!”
Me: “Where am I”
Doctor: “You are in the hospital! You’ve been in surgery over 5 hours! It took us that long to remove your mother’s foot from your Ass!”

Fatal Things To Say If Your Wife Is Pregnant…

“I finished the Oreo’s.”
“Not to imply anything, but I don’t think the kid weighs 40 pounds.”
“Y’know, looking at her, you’d never guess that Pamela Lee had a baby!”
“I sure hope your thighs aren’t gonna stay that flabby forever!”
“Well, couldn’t they induce labor? The 25th is the Super Bowl.”
“Darned if you ain’t about five pounds away from a surprise visit from that Richard Simmons fella.”
“Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy, that’s gotta hurt.”
“Whoa! For a minute there, I thought I woke up next to Willard Scott!”
“I’m jealous! Why can’t men experience the joy of childbirth?”
“Are your ankles supposed to look like that?”
“Get your *own* ice cream.”
“Geez, you’re awfully puffy looking today.”
“Got milk?”
“Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Tawney.”
“Man! That rose tattoo on your hip is the size of Madagascar!”
“Retaining water? Yeah, like the Hoover Dam retains water…”
“Your stomach sticks out almost as much as your ass!”
“You don’t have the guts to pull that trigger…”

Yes, It Has Come To This

Shane, 35

Seeks hostile woman for unfulfilling sex, future divorce, and co-dependency. Looking for a whiny, crazy lady with misplaced sense of entitlement and lots of expectations.

Bonus points if you just finished dating every guy in town but now want to take it slow with me. I’d be open to an unsatisfying fling but prefer a long-term, soul crushing descent into booze and pills.

The Perfect Self Valentine Gift

Lonely Valentine

If You Find A Woman Who Wants This More Then Chocolate, Mary Her

Valentines Day Harts From Men’s Nightmares

I Guess She Didn’t Want All The Tattoos Removed

Who Says Kids Don’t Tell The Truth

Chris Is Just Sick

Too Realistic For Kids To Play With

Ahh, The Good Old Days

I Can’t Wait To Have Some Of My Own