Funny Flirt Fails

MAFIA Valentine Card Verses

My love for you… it came and went.
So your feet are now in wet cement.

I’m here To fulfill your fondest wishes
Now that your husband sleeps with the fishes.

Lie down with me — it’s my final offa,
Or you’ll be lying wit’ Jimmy Hoffa.

I picked up this card from a slim selection
But that’s all they offer here in witness protection.

Cinderella got her fella, with a slipper made of glass;
So please be mine, Valentine, or I’ll have to whack your ass.

Violets are blue, roses are red,
I blew up your car — So why ain’t you dead?

Hope da chocolates is good, but y’know, dis ain’t really what a guy’s heart looks like.

When a goon makes you die,
Cuz you told him goodbye — that’s amore!

Helping Men Survive Valentine’s Day

Men often have a difficult time figuring out what to do on Valentine’s Day — and if they expect to get any …uh, make the women in their lives happy, they need to know the basics. Here it is, guys, hours before you need it — that’s plenty of time.

Step One: Remember. The minimum requirement is to let the woman know you care. The least expensive way is to look at her — preferably somewhere on her face — and say, “I love you, [her name here].” If you forget her name, don’t bother with the rest of the steps — you already lack the skill to survive.

Step Two: Cards. A Valentine’s card is an acceptable nonverbal token of appreciation. Best of all, it’s cheap. Good Valentines are pink with lots of lace and have cute words such as “I’ll love my sugar bunny forever and ever and ever and …”. Bad Valentine cards say, “Good for one free quart of motor oil.”

Step Three: Candy. While a handful of M&Ms is OK, women tend to expect something a bit nicer. It should be in a box for starters, and wrapped in nice paper for that extra touch. The best way to explain why you must do this is: women regard chocolate the same way men view beer. Enough said?

Step Four: Jewelry. A bit pricier, but essential if you did not bother with Steps 1-3. If you did, you might get by with a small but hideously expensive ring, necklace, or tiara. Note: most women, even in Arkansas, do not consider aluminum, tin or a mylar balloon to be a precious metal.

Step Five: Lingerie. Caution! Not only does it have to be the right size and caliber, it must also match any of the 8 billion feelings she currently has about herself. To be safe, tell the clerk you’re looking for something that can’t be used to strangle you in your sleep.

Step Six: Romantic Getaways. These are only good for couples with more than .2 children. Studies prove that not even bacteria can reproduce when a toddler is beating on the bedroom door with a Fisher-Price toy. Depending on the size of your family, a sufficient getaway may range from a motel in town to crossing at least three international boundaries.

The Most Important Thing to Know: Unlike men, women give points for trying. So do something — anything is better than nothing. Every year, emergency rooms fill with men who didn’t understand this simple point.

Women’s Dictionary

Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n. A discussion that occurs when you’re right, but he just hasn’t realized it yet.

Airhead (er*hed) n. What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman.

Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n. You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up, but, he, “made the dinner.”

Blonde Jokes (blond joks) n. Jokes that are short so men can understand them.

Cantaloupe (kant*e*lope) n. Gotta get married in a church.

Clothes Dryer (kloze dri*yer) n. An appliance designed to eat socks.

Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n. A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&Ms.

Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n. The last two minutes of a football game.

Exercise (ex*er*siz) v. To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.

Grocery List (grow*ser*ee list) n. What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store.

Hair Dresser (hare dres*er) n. Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again. See “Magician.”

Hardware Store (hard*war stor) n. Similar to a black hole in space-if he goes in, he isn’t coming out anytime soon.

Childbirth (child*brth) n. You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say “focus,…breath…push…”

Lipstick (lip*stik) n. On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, coloring only a tramp would wear…!

Park (park) v./n. Before children, a verb meaning, “to go somewhere and neck.” After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide.

Patience (pa*shens) n. The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children. See also “tranquilizers.”

Waterproof Mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n. Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it.

Valentine’s Day (val*en*tinez dae) n. A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card!

Collected Comments of College Students

• He teaches like Speedy Gonzalez on a caffeine high.
• Help! I’ve fallen asleep and I can’t wake up!
• His blackboard technique puts Rembrandt to shame.
• Textbook is confusing … someone with a knowledge of English should proofread it.
• This class was a religious experience for me … I had to take it all on faith.
• The recitation instructor would make a good parking lot attendant. Tries to tell you where to go, but you can never understand him.
• Problem sets are a decoy to lure you away from potential exam material.
• Recitation was great. It was so confusing that I forgot who I was, where I was, and what I was doing – it’s a great stress reliever.
• Information was presented like a ruptured fire hose – spraying in all directions – no way to stop it.
• I never bought the text. My $60 was better spent on the Led Zeppelin tapes that I used while doing the problem sets.

So You Think You Know Everything?

“Stewardesses” is the longest word typed with only the left hand and “lollipop” with your right. (Bet you tried this out mentally, didn’t you?)

Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable. (I’ll bet you’re going to check this out.)

No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple.

“Dreamt” is the only English word that ends in the letters “MT”. (Do you doubt this?)

Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.

The sentence: “The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog” uses every letter of the alphabet. (Now, you KNOW you’re going to try this out for accuracy, right?)

The words ‘racecar,’ ‘kayak’ and ‘level’ are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left (palindromes). (Yep, I knew you were going to “do” this one.)

There are only four words in the English language which end in “duos”: tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous. (You’re not doubting this, are you?)

There are two words in the English language that have all five vowels in order: “abstemious” and “facetious.” (Yes, admit it, you are going to say …… a e i o u)

TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard. (All you typists are going to test this out)

All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the back of the $5 bill

A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.

A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.

A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.
(Some days that’s about what my memory span is)

A “jiffy” is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.

A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.

A snail can sleep for three years. (I know some people that could do this too.)

Al Capone’s business card said he was a used furniture dealer.

Almonds are a member of the peach family.

An ostrich’s eye is bigger than its brain. (I know some people this applies to also)

Babies are born without kneecaps. They don’t appear until the child reaches
2 to 6 years of age.

February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.

In the last 4,000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.

If the population of China walked past you, 8 abreast, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.

If you are an average American, in your whole life, you will spend an average of 6 months waiting at red lights.

Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.

On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament building is an American flag.

Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite!

Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.

The average person’s left hand does 56% of the typing.

The cruise liner, QE2, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.

The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket. (Good thing he did that)

The winter of 1932 was so cold that Niagara Falls froze completely solid.

There are more chickens than people in the world.

Winston Churchill was born in a ladies’ room during a dance.

Women blink nearly twice as much as men.

…….Now you know almost everything!

Computer Acronyms

• CIA – Computer Industry Acronyms
• CD-ROM: Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months
• PCMCIA: People Can’t Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms
• ISDN: It Still Does Nothing
• SCSI: System Can’t See It
• MIPS: Meaningless Indication of Processor Speed
• DOS: Defunct Operating System
• WINDOWS: Will Install Needless Data On Whole System
• OS/2: Obsolete Soon, Too
PnP: Plug and Pray
• APPLE: Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity
• IBM: I Blame Microsoft
• DEC: Do Expect Cuts
• MICROSOFT: Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only Fools Teenagers
• CA: Constant Acquisitions
• COBOL: Completely Obsolete Business Oriented Language
• LISP: Lots of Insipid and Stupid Parentheses
• MACINTOSH: Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs
• AAAAA: American Association Against Acronym Abuse.
• WYSIWYMGIYRRLAAGW: What You See Is What You Might Get If You’re Really Really Lucky And All Goes Well.

Kids

After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. At last, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice, “Who was that”?
—
When my grandson, Billy, and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, “It’s no use, Grandpa. The mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights.”
—
A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog’s duties. “They use him to keep crowds back,” said one youngster. “No, said another, “he’s just for good luck.” A third child brought the argument to a close. “They use the dogs,” she said firmly, “to find the fire hydrant.”
—
Our five-year-old grandson couldn’t wait to tell his grandfather about the movie we had watched on television, “20,000 Leagues Under the Sea.” The scenes with the submarine and the giant octopus had kept him wide-eyed. In the middle of the telling, my husband interrupted, “Mark! What caused the submarine to sink”? With a look of incredulity Mark replied, “Grampa, it was the 20,000 leaks!!”
—
I didn’t know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me and she was always correct. But it was fun for me, so I continued. At last, she headed for the door, saying sagely, “Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these yourself!”
—
I was out walking with my four-year-old daughter. She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I took the item away from her and I asked her not to do that.
“Why”? my daughter asked.
“Because it’s been laying outside, you don’t know where it’s been, it’s dirty and probably has germs” I replied.
At this point, my daughter looked at me with total admiration and asked, “Wow! How do you know all this stuff”?
“Uh,” I was thinking quickly, “All Moms know this stuff. It’s on the Mommy Test. You have to know it or they don’t let you be a Mommy.”
We walked along in silence for two or three minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information.
“Oh, I get it!” she beamed, “So if you don’t pass the test, you have to be the Daddy”?
“Exactly!” I replied back with a big smile on my face and joy in my heart.

Software Development Cycle:

1) Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free.
2) Product is tested, 20 bugs are found.
3) Programmer fixes 10 of the bugs and explains to the testing department that the other 10 aren’t really bugs.
4) Testing department finds that five of the fixes didn’t work and discovers 15 new bugs.
5) Repeat three times steps 3 and 4.
6) Due to marketing pressure and an extremely premature product announcement based on overly-optimistic programming schedule, the product is released.
7) Users find 137 new bugs.
8) Original programmer, having cashed his royalty check, is nowhere to be found. Newly-assembled programming team fixes almost all of the 137 bugs, but introduce 456 new ones.
Original programmer sends underpaid testing department a postcard from Fiji. Entire testing department quits.
9) Company is bought in a hostile takeover by competitor using profits from their latest release, which had 783 bugs.
10) New CEO is brought in by board of directors. He hires a programmer to redo program from scratch.
11) Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free…

Men And Women Compared!

NICKNAMES: If Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose.

But if Mike, Charlie, Bob and John go out for a beer, they will affectionately refer to each other as Lard-Ass, Butt-Breath, Peanut-Head and Useless.

EATING OUT: When the bill arrives, Mike, Charlie, Bob and John will each throw in $20, even though it’s only for $22.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back.

When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

BATHROOMS: A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.

The average number of items in the typical woman’s bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

ARGUMENTS: A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument!

DRESSING UP: A man will dress up for weddings and funerals. A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail….

LOOKS Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night. (I invite any woman to prove me wrong!

Performance Evaluation Translations

Quick thinking: Offers plausible excuses for errors.
Requires work-value attitudinal readjustment: Lazy and hard-headed.
Should go far: Please.
Slightly below average: Stupid.
Spends extra hours on the job: Miserable home life.
Stern disciplinarian: A real jerk.
Straightforward: Blunt and insensitive.
Strong adherence to principles: Stubborn.
Tactful in dealing with superiors: Knows when to keep mouth shut.
Takes advantage of every opportunity to progress: Buys drinks for superiors.
Takes pride in work: Conceited.
Unlimited potential: Will stick with us until retirement.
Uses resources well: Delegates everything.
Uses time effectively: Clock watcher.
Very creative: Finds 22 reasons to do anything except original work.
Visionary: Cannot handle paperwork or any project that lasts less than a week.
Well organized: Does too much busywork.
Willing to take calculated risks: Doesn’t mind spending someone else’s money.
Zealous attitude: Opinionated.
Will go far: Relative of management.

Well, They Get Bored Sometimes

Why I Don’t Make Valentines Day Cards Anymore

History Repeats Itself. Anti-Vaccine Comic From The 1940s

Church Of Snoop Dog

Don’t Delete Cookies!!!

How Did He Get Down?

No Way Am I Falling For This Again

Dear Angry, Overly Competitive Parents Whom Everyone Hates, Please Read This

Just Being Nice

I Don’t Want To Know Where They Look For It On The Women