The Expert: Progress Meeting

I’m sure nothing like this has ever happened in real life.

A Teenager Is…

A weight watcher who goes on a diet by giving up candy bars before breakfast.

A youngster who receives his/her allowance on Monday, spends it on Tuesday, and borrows from his/her best friend on Wednesday.

Someone who can hear a song by their favorite band played three blocks away but not his mother calling from the next room.

A whiz who can operate the latest computer without a lesson but can’t make a bed.

A student who will spend 12 minutes studying for her history exam and 12 hours for her driver’s license.

A youngster who is well informed about anything he doesn’t have to study.

An enthusiast who has the energy to ride a bike for miles, but is usually too tired to dry the dishes.

A connoisseur of two kinds of fine music: Loud and Very Loud.

A young woman who loves the cat and tolerates her brother.

A person who is always late for dinner but always on time for a rock concert.

A romantic who never falls in love more than once a week.

A budding beauty who never smiles until her braces come off.

A boy who can sleep until noon on any Saturday when he suspects the lawn needs mowing.

An original thinker who is positive that her mother was never a teenager.

And This Is Why You Should Always Call First

A man brings his best buddy home for dinner…unannounced at 7:30pm after work.

His wife begins screaming at him & his friend just sits & listens in.

Wife: My hair & makeup are not done, the house is a mess, the dishes are not done, I’m still in my pajamas & I can’t be bothered
with cooking tonight! Why the hell did you bring him home?

Husband: Because he’s thinking of getting married & I promised him a demo!

Fun Things To Do At The Mall

10. At the bottom of an escalator, scream “MY SHOELACES! AAAGH!”
9. At the stylist, ask to have the hair on your back permed.
8. Ask a saleswoman whether a particular shade of panties matches the color of your beard.
7. Sneak up on saleswomen at the perfume counter and spray them with your own bottle of Eau de Swanke.
6. Collect stacks of paint brochures and hand them out as religious tracts.
5. At the pet store, ask if they have bulk discounts on gerbils, and whether there’s much meat on them.
4. Hand a stack of pants back to the changing room attendant and scornfully announce that none of them are “leak proof”.
3. Ask appliance personnel if they have any TVs that play only in Spanish.
2. Try pants on backwards at the Gap. Ask the salesperson if they make your butt look big.
1. Show people your driver’s license and demand to know “whether they’ve seen this man.”

Hey, We’ve All Had One Of Those Days

A horse walks into a bar.

And now you’re all waiting for the punchline.

Nobody’s considering that the horse actually had a really bad day.

He’s making too few bucks at work. His nightmare of a wife ran away with his stallion neighbor.

Plus, he hasn’t been hitting the hay that much lately. Nothing in his life is stable anymore!

Pretty sure he’s not in the mood for someone else’s manure.

So quit foaling around, pony up, saddle up, and hoof it outta here!

And stop it with the puns!

How Dumb Are They

1. Intelligent thoughts have always followed him, but he was faster.
2. Sharp as a marble, that one.
3. They only got two brain cells and both of them are fighting for third place.
4. Couldn’t pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
5. Ahh yes, “it’s better to be silent and thought a fool than to speak and remove all doubt”. A classic.
6. When it was raining brains, you had an umbrella
7. When they were handing out brains you thought they said trains and missed yours
8. A common mistake that people make when trying to design something completely foolproof is to underestimate the ingenuity of complete fools.
9. You could hide your own Easter eggs.
10. You aren’t the biggest idiot in the world but you better hope they don’t die.
11. My teacher said I was as “quick as a glacier”…
12. Never underestimate the power of idiots in large numbers. NEVER.
13. You understand quickly, it’s the explaining that takes a while.
14. If you ever had a clever thought, it died alone and afraid.
15. You’re the reason we have warning labels.
16. I’m not saying that we should kill stupid people, I’m merely suggesting that we remove warning labels and let the situation sort itself out.
17. Scott “Dilbert” Adams once remarked that the world is full of 6 billion idiots. But because they outnumber the rest of us, we don’t call them idiots to their face. Instead we say “In-DUH-viduals.”

It Depends

The doctor entered the waiting room. “I have some good news for you, Mrs. Douglas.”

“Pardon me,” she interrupted, “but it’s Miss.”

The doctor said, “I have some bad news for you, Miss Douglas.”

Life Of A Senior Citizen

1. I’m the life of the party…even when it lasts till 8 p.m.
2. I’m very good at opening child-proof caps with a hammer.
3. I’m usually interested in going home before I get to where I’m going.
4. I’m good on a trip for at least an hour without my aspirin, beano, & antacid.
5. I’m awake many hours before my body allows me to get up.
6. I’m smiling all the time because I can’t hear a word you are saying.
7. I’m aware that other people’s grandchildren are not as bright as mine.
8. I’m so cared for: Long term care, Eye care, Private care, Dental care…
9. I’m not grouchy, I just don’t like traffic, waiting, crowds, children, politicians.
10. I’m sure everything I can’t find is in a secure place.
11. I’m wrinkled, saggy and bumpy and that’s just my left leg.
12. I’m realizing that aging is not for sissies.
13. I’m anti-everything now: Anti-fat, Anti-smoke, Anti-noise, Anti-inflammatory
14. I’m going to reveal what goes on behind closed doors… Absolutely nothing!
15. I’m sure they are making adults much younger these days.
16. I’m in the initial stage of my golden years: SS, CD’s, IRA’s, AARP. . .
17. I’m wondering… If you’re only as old as you feel, how could I be alive at 150?
18. I’m supporting all movements now… by eating bran, prunes and raisins.
19. I’m a walking storeroom of facts… I’ve just lost the storeroom.

UCLA Study

A study conducted by UCLA’s Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of male face a woman finds attractive can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.

For instance, if she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features.

However, if she is menstruating or menopausal, she is more prone to be attracted to a man with scissors lodged in his temple and a bat jammed up his ass while he is on fire.

Further studies are expected.

PARAPROSDOKIANS

(Winston Churchill loved them) Figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected and frequently humorous.

1. Where there’s a will, I want to be in it.
2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on my list.
3. If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong.
4. We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public.
5. War does not determine who is right…only who is left.
6. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
7. They begin the evening news with ‘Good Evening,’ then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
8. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
9. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.
10. I asked God for bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
11. I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
12. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
13. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.
14. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
15. I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not so sure.
16. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
17. Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.
18. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
19. I am neither for nor against apathy.
20. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
21. The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
22. Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
23. Hospitality: making your guests feel like they’re at home, even if you wish they were.
24. A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.
25. When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

Wine Taster

At a wine merchant’s, the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire.

A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came in to apply for the position.
The director of the winery wondered how to send him away.

He gave him a glass to drink.
The drunk tried it and said:
“It’s a Muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers. Low grade, but acceptable.”

“That’s correct”, said the boss.

Another glass….
“It’s a cabernet, eight years old, a south-western slope, oak barrels, matured at 8 degrees. Requires three more years for finest results.”
“Correct.”

A third glass…
”It’s a pinot blanc champagne, high grade and exclusive,” calmly said the drunk.
The director was astonished.

He winked at his secretary, secretly suggesting something.
She left the room, and came back in with a glass of urine.

The alcoholic tried it.

“It’s a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant – and if I don’t get the job, I’ll name the father.”

When This Is All Over Gyms And Salons Are Going To Be Doing Booming Business

A New Level Of Lazy

The Grand Kids Of Hippies Have Gone Too Far

No I Did Noooot Fl Frr Tat

Because I Need To Get To Work A$$Hole!!!

Hell Yes We’re From Texas!

No This Isn’t Photoshop

I’m Highly Confused Here!

You Can’t Even Get Them, They’re Retired Now

Which One Has The Warning Label Again?