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Children’s Books You Wish You Will Never See:

“You Were an Accident”
“Strangers Have the Best Candy”
“The Little Sissy Who Snitched”
“Some Kittens Can Fly!”
“How to Dress Sexy for Grownups”
“Getting More Chocolate on Your Face”
“Where Would You Like to Be Buried?”
“Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her”
“The Attention Deficit Disorder Association’s Book of Wild Animals of North America…Hey! Let’s Go Ride Our Bikes!”
“All Dogs Go to Hell”
“The Kids’ Guide to Hitchhiking”
“When Mommy and Daddy Don’t Know the Answer They Say, Because I Said So”
“Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia”
“What Is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog?”
“Why Can’t Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?”
“Daddy Drinks Because You Cry”
“Mister Policeman Eats His Service Revolver”
“You Are Different and That’s Bad”

A Redneck Valentine

Collards is green
my dog’s name is Blue
and I’m so lucky
to have a sweet thang like you.

Yore hair is like cornsilk
a-flapping in the breeze
Softer than Blue’s
and without all them fleas.
You move like the bass,
which excite me in May.
You ain’t got no scales
but I luv you anyway.

Yo’re as satisfy’n as okry
jist a-fry’n in the pan.
Yo’re as fragrant as “snuff”
right out of the can.

You have som’a yore teeth,
for which I am proud;
I hold my head high
when we’re in a crowd.
On special occasions,
when you shave under yore arms,
well, I’m in hawg heaven,
and awed by yore charms.

Still them fellers at work,
they all want to know,
what I did to deserve
such a purdy, young doe.

Like a good roll of duct tape
yo’re there fer yore man,
to patch up life’s troubles
and fix what you can.

Yo’re as cute as a junebug
a-buzzin’ overhead.
You ain’t mean like those far ants
I found in my bed.

Cut from the best cloth
like a plaid flannel shirt,
you spark up my life
more than a fresh load of dirt.
When you hold me real tight
like a padded gunrack,
my life is complete;
Ain’t nuttin’ I lack.

Yore complexion, it’s perfection,
like the best vinyl sidin’.
despite all the years,
yore age, it keeps hidin’.
Me ‘n’ you’s like a Moon Pie
with a RC cold drank,
we go together
like a skunk goes with stank.

Some men, they buy chocolate
for Valentine’s Day;
They git it at Wal-Mart,
it’s romantic that way.

Some men git roses
on that special day
from the cooler at Kroger.
“That’s impressive,” I say.
Some men buy fine diamonds
from a flea market booth.
“Diamonds are forever,”
they explain, suave and couth.

But for this man, honey,
these won’t do.
Cause yo’re too special,
you sweet thang you.

I got you a gift,
without taste nor odor,
more useful than diamonds…

IT’S A NEW TROLLIN’ MOTOR!!

Yipeeee….Yee Ha!

Senior Random Thoughts

Just sharing some random thoughts meandering in my senior mind:

*The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can be in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient.

*My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations. I’m pretty sure she was hitting on me.

*My 60 year kindergarten reunion is coming up soon and I’m worried about the 175 pounds I’ve gained since then.

*I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters. Do they just give you a bra and say, “Here, fill this out?”

*Denny’s has a slogan, “If it’s your birthday, the meal is on us.” If you’re in Denny’s and it’s your birthday, your life sucks!

*The pharmacist asked me my birth date again today. I’m pretty sure she’s going to get me something.

*I think it’s pretty cool how Chinese people made a language entirely out of tattoos.

*What is it about a car that makes people think we can’t see them pick their noses?

*Money can’t buy happiness, but it keeps the kids in touch!

Fairy Godmother

An old lady is rocking away the last of her days on her front porch, reflecting on her long life, when — all of a sudden — a fairy godmother appears in front of her and informs her that she will be granted three wishes.

“Well, now,” says the old lady, “I guess I would like to be really rich.”

*** POOF *** Her rocking chair turns to solid gold.

“And, gee, I guess I wouldn’t mind being a young, beautiful princess.”

*** POOF *** She turns into a beautiful young woman.

“Your third wish?” asked the fairy godmother. Just then the old woman’s cat wanders across the porch in front of them.

“Ooh — can you change him into a handsome prince?” she asks.

*** POOF *** There before her stands a young man more handsome than anyone could possibly imagine.

She stares at him, smitten. With a smile that makes her knees weak, he saunters across the porch and whispers in her ear:

“Bet you’re sorry you had me neutered.”

Kids Say The Darnedest Things

OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, “The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents.”

KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup to come out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. “It’s the minister, Mommy,” the child said to her mother. Then she added, “Mommy can’t come to the phone to talk to you right now. She’s hitting the bottle.”

NUDITY
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women’s locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, “What’s the matter haven’t you ever seen a little boy before?”

ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4- year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. The various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs, unfailingly intrigued her. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, “The tooth fairy will never believe this!”

DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, “Daddy, you shouldn’t wear that suit.”
“And why not, darling?”
“You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.”

SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. “I’m just wasting my time,” she said to her mother. “I can’t read, I can’t write and they won’t let me talk!”

Things You Don’t Want To Hear During Surgery

1. “Better save that. We’ll need it for the autopsy.”
2. “Someone call the janitor – we’re going to need a mop.”
3. “Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness”
4. “Bo! Bo! Come back with that! Bad Dog!”
5. “Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what’s that?”
6. “Hand me that…uh…that uh…..thingie.”
7. “Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.”
8. “Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?”
9. “Damn, there go the lights again….”
10. “Ya know, there’s big money in kidneys. Hell, the guy’s got two of them.”
11. “What do you mean you want a divorce?”

Only The Truth

As Ben Franklin said, “In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria.” In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. Coli) – bacteria found in feces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.

However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting. Therefore, it’s better to drink booze and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of shit. There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I’m doing it as a public service.

HIS And HERS Road Trip

HERS:
Pulls off at wrong exit.
Opens window asks directions of a knowledgeable police officer
Arrives at destination presently.

HIS:
Pulls off at wrong exit absolutely positive it’s the correct one.
Drives five miles into wilderness, still thinks he’s right.
Drives an extra 5 miles just in case.
Finally rolls down window just to get fresh air
Pulls up to a 7 -11
Gets three hot-dogs, a large slurpee, and beef jerky
Asks person behind counter how to get back onto the highway.
Gets back into car.
Laughs at the idea of looking at a map as he pulls away from the 7-11.
Drives down a dirt road with no street lights insisting this is the way back because guy from 7-11 said it was.
Almost hits a deer
Curses the night
Curses you
Curses the large slurpee
Drives and fiddles with radio.
Yells at you for suggesting the map again
Admits he didn’t want to go to Thanksgiving at your sister’s anyway.
He hates your sister.
Ever since she called him a pernicious weasel
He had to look up pernicious.
Couldn’t find a dictionary.
Finally found a dictionary
Couldn’t spell pernicious.
Seethes at the memory of it all
But she is laughing inside.
And of course you’re still lost.

Estate Planning 101

When Bob found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. So, one evening he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away. ‘I may look like just an ordinary man,’ he said as he walked up to her, ‘but in just a week or two, my father will die, and I’ll inherit 20 million dollars.’

Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening and, three days later, she became his stepmother.

Women are so much smarter than men.

Thirty Lines To Make You Smile

1. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn’t.
2. I don’t suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3. I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me!
4. Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.
5. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
6. Don’t take life too seriously — no one gets out alive.
7. You’re just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
8. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
9. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
10. I’m not a complete idiot — Some parts are missing.
11. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
12. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
13. The original point and click interface was a Smith and Wesson.
14. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
15. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
16. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
17. Being “over the hill” is much better than being under it!
18. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I grew up.
19. Procrastinate Now!
20. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
21. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
22. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
23. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
24. They call it PMS because MadCow Disease was already taken.
25. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.
26. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.
27. Ham and eggs. A day’s work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
28. The trouble with life is there’s no background music.
29. I smile because I don’t know what is going on.
30. Be thankful we’re not getting all the government we’re paying for. – Will Rogers

Age Is NOT Just A State Of Mind

I Know It Was A Long Long Long Time Ago But Wasn’t It Supposed To Be I A Galaxy Far Far Away

So You Won’t Take Me To Disneyland Huh?

What? I Have To Get Out Of A Lot Of Sand Traps

You REALLY Have To Be OLD To Appreciate This Joke

I Would Have Loved To Have Pulled This Off Just Once!

So Which Commandment Did You Break?

This Is The First Time I’ve Ever Said No To Ice Cream

Till Death Do Us Part

I Can’t Wait For The Terrorists To Lose