So That’s Why They Went Bankrupt!

1. You Are Different and That’s Bad
2. The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables
3. Dad’s New Wife Robert
4. Fun four-letter Words to Know and Share
5. Hammers, Screwdrivers and Scissors: An I-Can-Do-It Book
6. The Kids’ Guide to Hitchhiking
7. Kathy Was So Bad Her Mum Stopped Loving Her
8. Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence
9. All Cats Go to Hell!
10. The Little Sissy Who Snitched
11. Some Kittens Can Fly.
12. That’s it, I’m Putting You Up for Adoption
13. Grandpa Gets a Casket
14. The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator
15. Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia
16. The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy
17. Strangers Have the Best Candy
18. Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get Your Way
19. You Were an Accident
20. Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will
21. Pop! Goes The Hamster. And Other Great Microwave Games
22. The Man in the Moon Is Actually Satan
23. Your Nightmares Are Real
24. Where Would You Like to Be Buried?
25. Eggs, Toilet Paper, and Your School
26. Why Can’t Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?
27. Places Where Mummy and Daddy Hide Neat Things
28. Daddy Drinks Because You Cry

Interpreting Corporate Titles

CHAIRMAN OF THE BOARD: Leaps tall building in a single bound, is more powerful than a locomotive, is faster than a speeding bullet, walks on water, discusses policy with God

PRESIDENT: Leaps short buildings in a single bound, is more powerful than a switch engine, is just as fast as a speeding bullet, walks on water if the sea is calm, talks with God

EXECUTIVE VICE PRESIDENT: Leaps short buildings with a running start and favorable winds, is almost as powerful as a switch engine, is faster than a speeding BB, walks on water in an indoor swimming pool, talks with God if special request is approved

VICE PRESIDENT: Barely clears a Quonset hut, loses tug-of-war with a locomotive, can fire a speeding bullet, swims well, is occasionally addressed by God

GENERAL MANAGER: Makes high marks on the wall when trying to leap buildings, is run over by locomotive, can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self-injury, dog paddles, talks to animals

MANAGER: Runs into buildings, recognizes locomotive two out of three times, is not issued ammunition, can’t stay afloat with a life preserver, talks to walls

TRAINEE: Falls over doorsteps when trying to enter building, says “look at the choo-choo”, wets him/herself with a water pistol, plays in mud puddles, mumbles to him/herself

SECRETARY: Lifts buildings and walks under them, kicks locomotives off the tracks, catches speeding bullets in his/her teeth, freezes water with a single glance, to all of the above…is God!

Long List Of Annoyances!

Things that can and do bother the “normal” person.

Having to try on a pair of sunglasses with that stupid little plastic thingy in the middle of them.

The person behind you in the supermarket runs his cart into the back of your ankle. The same person that gives you a “blank stare” when you look at them.

There’s always a car riding your tail when you’re slowing down to find an address.

You open a can of soup and the lid falls in.

It’s bad enough that you step in dog poop, but you don’t realize it till you walk across your living room rug. Especially since you don’t even have a dog!

There’s a dog in the neighborhood that barks at EVERYTHING.

You can never put anything back in a box the way it came.

Three hours and three meetings after lunch you look in the mirror and discover a piece of parsley stuck to your front tooth.

You drink from a soda can into which someone has extinguished a cigarette.

You slice your tongue licking an envelope…OUCH!

Your tire gauge lets out half the air while you’re trying to get a reading.

You wash a garment with one tiny tissue in the pocket, and your entire laundry comes out covered with lint.

A piece of foil candy wrapper makes electrical contact with your filling…DOUBLE OUCH!

People behind you on a supermarket line dash ahead of you to a counter just opening up.

You can’t look up the correct spelling of a word in the dictionary because you don’t know how to spell it!

You have to inform five different sales people in the same store that you’re just browsing.

You reach under the table to pick something off the floor and smash your head on the way up.

Toddler Property Laws

1. If I like it, it’s mine.
2. If it’s in my hands, it’s mine.
3. If I can take it from you, it’s mine.
4. If I had it a week ago, it’s mine.
5. If it’s mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.
6. If I’m doing or building something, all the pieces are mine.
7. If it looks just like mine, it’s mine.
8. If I think it’s mine, it’s mine.
9. If it it’s near me, it’s mine.
10. If it’s broccoli, it’s yours.

Even More Fuck My Life

Today, was my wedding night. We had decided to wait until marriage to have sex. When I undressed and smiled at my new wife, she burst into tears and cried, “please don’t make me do this.” FML

Today, I just found out that my ex girlfriend is gonna be my step mother. FML

Today, while showering, my 3 year old son comes to the bathroom and puts on all my makeup. Once I got out of the shower, I got a camera I had and took a few adorable shots. Afterward, I sent the images to all my friends and family. Then I realized the reflection on the mirror was me fully naked. FML

Today, I had my high school reunion. The nerdy guy that I picked on all 4 years had married a Swedish supermodel, then divorced her for a Brazilian supermodel. My girlfriend works at 7-11. Karma sucks. FML

Today, at lunch I was running to my group’s table with my friend. She accidentally tripped me, and I slid across the café floor face first on my belly. The whole cafeteria was silent. They then broke out in hysterics when the head janitor ran up to me and yelled ‘SAFE!’ like a baseball umpire. FML

Today, in the shower, a dime fell on my foot. The only place it could have come from? One of my fat rolls. FML

Today, my boyfriend said he wants a Hello Kitty wedding. FML

Today, I walked into the kitchen and accidentally broke my mother’s vase. I said, “Accidents happen.” She replied, “Yeah, like your birth.” FML

Today, my daughter and husband decided to surprise me at work. A whole bunch of my co-workers were standing around me when she ran up and hugged me. Her face is level with my crotch. She immediately jumps back from the hug and says “ewwww smells like fish.” FML

Today, I caught my daughter attempting to stick pencils up our cat’s butt. FML

Today, I shadowed an ultrasound technician for my future career. She did an ultrasound on me to show me how to do the job. I found out I was pregnant. FML

Today, I had to sleep in the same room as my grandparents. They checked to see if I was asleep, so I pretended to be to avoid getting scolded for staying up. Turns out they were checking so that they could make love. I witnessed two 70-year-olds have sex in the bed next to me for 20 minutes. FML

Today, I got very drunk after being fired from my job. In my depressed, intoxicated state, I posted my facebook status as ‘Goodbye world’. The only response was from my dad saying ‘cya’. His comment got 29 likes. FML

Today, I realized that our generation will be remembered as the kids who liked sparkly vampires. FML

Job Applicants

Julius Caesar:
My last job involved a lot of office politics and back stabbing. I’d like to get away from all that.

Jesse James:
I can list among my experience and skills: leadership, extensive travel, logistical organization, intimate understanding of firearms, and a knowledge of security measures at numerous banks.

Marie Antoinette:
My management style has been criticized, but I’d like to think of myself as a people person.

Joseph Guillotin:
I can give your company a head start on the competition.

Hamlet:
My position was eliminated in a hostile takeover.

Lucrezia Borgia:
My greatest accomplishment? After I took over the department, our competition just seemed to drop out of sight one by one.

Pandora:
I can bring a lot to your company. I like discovering new things.

Genghis Khan:
My primary talent is downsizing.
On my last job I downsized my staff, my organization, and the populations of several countries.

Macbeth:
Would I go after my boss’s job? Do I look like the kind of guy who would knock off his boss for a promotion?

Lady Godiva:
What do mean, this isn’t ‘business casual’?

Elvis:
My last boss and I … say, are you going to eat those fries?

More Of The Mom Dictionary!

FABLE: A story told by a teenager arriving home after curfew.

FOOD: The response Mom usually gives in answer to the question “What’s for dinner tonight?” See “SARCASM”

FROZEN: 1. A type of food. 2. How Hell will be when Mom lets her daughter date an older guy with a motorcycle.

GARBAGE: A collection of refuse items, the taking out of which Mom assigns to a different family member each week, then winds up doing herself.

GENIUSES: Amazingly, all of Mom’s kids.

GUM: Adhesive for the hair.

HAMPER: A wicker container with a lid, usually surrounded by, but not containing, dirty clothing.

HANDI-WIPES: Pants, shirt-sleeves, drapes, etc.

HANDS: Body appendages which must be scrubbed raw with volcanic soap and sterilized in boiling water immediately prior to consumption of the evening meal.

HINDSIGHT: What Mom experiences from changing too many diapers.

HOMEMADE BREAD: An object of fiction like the Fountain of Youth and the Golden Fleece.

ICE: Cubes of frozen water which would be found in small plastic tray if kids or husbands ever filled the darn things instead of putting them back in the freezer empty.

INSIDE: That place that will suddenly look attractive to kids once Mom has spent a minimum of half an hour getting them ready to go outside.

“I SAID SO”: Reason enough, according to Mom

JACKPOT: When all the kids stay at friends’ homes for the night.

JEANS: Which, according to kids, are appropriate for just about any occasion, including church and funerals.

“JEEEEEEEEZ!”: Slang for “Gee Mom, isn’t there anything else you can do to embarrass me in front of my friends?”

JOY RIDE: Going somewhere without the kids.

JUNK: Things belonging to Dad.

KETCHUP: The sea of tomato-based goop kids use to drown the dish that Mom spent hours cooking and years perfecting to get the seasoning just right.

KISS: Mom medicine.

Oh Boy…More Warning Signs!

On a cardboard windshield sun shade: “Warning: Do Not Drive With Sun Shield in Place” (why…a duh!)

On an infant’s bathtub: Do not throw baby out with bath water. (ah-ha! So that’s what happened to my little sister!)

On a Magic 8 Ball: Not advised for use as a home pregnancy test. (oh sure…now they tell me!)

On a roll of Life Savers: Not for use as a flotation device. (aye matey…but the sharks love ‘em!)

On a disposable razor: Do not use this product during an earthquake. (Ouch)

On a handgun: Not recommended for use as a nutcracker. (Or for any other reason!)

On pantyhose: Not to be used in the commission of a felony. (well that’s just great…now what do I use!)

On a palm sander: Not to be used to sand palms. (Then what do you use it for?)

On a blender: Not for use as an aquarium. (he-he…I gotta try this one!)

On syrup of ipecac: Caution: May cause vomiting. (I hope so)

On a revolving door: Passenger compartments for individual use only. (Unless your REALLY good friends!)

On children’s alphabet blocks: Letters may be used to construct words, phrases and sentences that may be deemed offensive. (hmmm…I think I’ll test this one out on my nephews ;~)

Products We Could Do Without!

1. Fingernail Clippers: That’s why we have teeth.
2. Makeup That is Tattooed on: You might love that green eyeliner now, but what about when you’re fifty?
3. Colored Elastics For Braces: As if the braces didn’t make your mouth stand out enough.
4. Inflatable Furniture: Nothing boosts the ego more than sitting on a couch and popping it.
5. Crayons With a Fragrance: Oh, good, let’s give kids another reason to eat them.
6. Fake Eyelashes: You shouldn’t be able to braid your eyelashes.
7. The Epilady: Pulling hair out by the roots is masochistic.
8. Those Crocheted Kleenex Box Covers: Kleenex does not get chilly.
9. Rubber Clothing: Because you shouldn’t bounce if you fall down the stairs.
10. Doggie Sweaters: Fido is not Mr. Rogers, nor does he want to be Mr. Rogers.
11. Thong underwear: Nothing leads to insanity faster than a perpetual wedgie.

Women’s T-Shirt Sayings!

I’m out of estrogen and I have a gun.
Guys have feelings, too. But like… who cares?
I don’t believe in miracles. I rely on them.
Next mood swing: 6 minutes.
I hate everybody, and you’re next.
Please don’t make me kill you.
And your point is…
I used to be schizophrenic, but we’re OK now.
I’m busy. You’re ugly. Have a nice day.
Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it.
Remember my name – you’ll be screaming it later.
You KNOW you want me.
Don’t worry. It’ll only seem kinky the first time.
Of course I don’t look busy. . I did it right the first time.
Why do people with closed minds always open their mouths?
I’m multi-talented: I can talk and annoy you at the same time.
Do NOT start with me. You won’t win.
You have the right to remain silent, so please SHUT UP.
All stressed out and no one to choke.
I’m one of those bad things that happen to good people.
How can I miss you if you won’t go away?
Sorry if I looked interested. I’m not.
If we are what we eat, I’m fast, cheap and easy.
Nobody knows I’m not wearing underwear.
Don’t make me mad. I’m running out of places to hide the bodies.
Objects Under This Shirt ARE Larger Than They Appear.

Especially If She’s Dumb Enough To Date You!

Aww..Right There…Yeah…

I Didn’t Know Video Games Were That Good

Don’t Feel Bad Guys That’s An Easy Mistake To Make

Looks Like A Great Way To Thin Out The Gene Pool To Me

No I Wasn’t Drinking Why Do you Ask?

So When Are They Going To Build An App To Take Care Of This?

I Don’t Think These Were The Searches The Guys Had In Mind When They Built It

Happy Birthday To Me

Some Things Don’t Improve With Age