The Chanukah Song (Part 3)

10 years ago and it still holds up

Chanukah Songs That Never Quite Caught On

• Oy to the World
• Schlepping through a Winter Wonderland
• Hava Negilah – The Megamix
• Bubbie Yetta Got Run Over by a Reindeer
• Enough with those God Damn Jingle Bells Already…Sheez!
• Matzo Man (by the Lower East Side Village People)
• I Have a Little Dreidel (the Barking Dog Version)
• Come on Baby, Light My Menorah
• Deck the Halls with Balls of Matzos
• Silent Night? I Should Be So Lucky

The Night Before Chanukah

Twas the night before Chanukah, boicheks and Maidels,
Not a sound could be heard, not even the dreidels.
The menorah was set by the chimney alight,
In the kitchen the Bubbie was choppin a bite.
Salami, pastrami, a glassele tay,
And soyereh pickles with bagels…oy veh.

Gesundt and geschmact the inderlach felt,
While dreaming of tagelach and Chanukah gelt.
The alarm clock was sitting, a klappen and ticken,
And Bubbie was carving a shtickele chicken.

A tumult arose like a thousand Beruches,
Santa had fallen and broken his toches.
I put on my slippers, ains, zvei, drei,
While Bubbie was enjoying her herring and rye.
I grabbed for my bathrobe and buttoned my gotkes,
And Bubbie was just devouring her latkes.

A little red yarmlke greeted my eyes.
When he got to the door and saw the menorah,
“Yiddishe kinder”, he said,”Kenahorah.
” I thought I was in a strange hoise,
As long as I’m here I’ll leave a few toys”

Come into the kitchen, I’ll get you a dish, A gupel, a leffel, a shtikele fish.
With smacks of delight, he started his fressen,
Chopped liver, and knaidlach and kreplach gegessen.
Along with this meal he had a few schnapps,
When it came to eating this boy was tops!
He asked for some knishes with pepper and salt,
But they were so hot he yelled “oy gevolt”

He buttoned his hosen and ran from the tish,
“your Kosherer meals are simply delish”
As he wenrt through the door he said “see you all later”
I’ll be back next Pesach in time for the seder.

More rapid than eagles his prancers they came,
As he whistled and shouted and called them by name.
Now Izzy, now Morris, now Louie and Sammy,
On Irving and Maxie and Hymie and Manny
He gave a geshray a he drove out of sight,
‘ A GOOD YONTIFF TO ALL, AND TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT”

Reasons Hanukkah is Better Than Christmas

10. No roof damage from reindeer.
9. Never a silent night when you’re among Jewish loved ones.
8. If someone screws up on their gift, there are seven more days to correct it.
7. Betting Hanukkah gelt (the chocolate coins) on candle races.
6. You can use your fireplace.
5. Spin-the-dreidel games.
4. Fun waxy buildup on the menorah.
3. No awkward explanations of virgin birth.
2. Cheer optional.
1. No Irving Berlin songs.

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The Eight Nights Of Hanukkah

On the first night of Chanukah, my Jewish mother said,
You’d better lose some weight or you’ll be dead.

On the second night of Chanukah, my mother said to me,
Have a few more latkes, but you’d better lose some weight or you’ll be dead.

On the third night of Chanukah, my mother said to me,
Here’s your chocolate dreidel, have a few more latkes, but you’d better lose some weight or you’ll be dead.

On the fourth night of Chanukah, my mother said to me,

Taste my sugar cookies, here’s your chocolate dreidel, have a few more latkes, but
you’d better lose weight or you’ll be dead.

On the fifth night of Chanukah, my mother said to me,
YOU’RE GETTING FAT!
Taste my sugar cookies, here’s your chocolate dreidel, have a few more latkes, but you’d better lose some weight or you’ll be dead.

On the sixth night of Chanukah, my mother said to me,
Don’t you like the doughnuts?

YOU’RE GETTING FAT! Taste my sugar cookies, here’s your chocolate dreidel, have a few more latkes, but you’d better lose some weight or you’ll be dead.

On the seventh night of Chanukah, my mother said to me,
Take another brownie,
YOU’RE GETTING FAT!
Taste my sugar cookies,
Here’s your chocolate dreidel,
Have a few more latkes, but
You’d better lose some weight or you’ll be dead.”

On the eighth night of Chanukah, my mother said to me,
Try my home-made strudel,
Take another brownie,
YOU’RE GETTING FAT!
Taste my sugar cookies,
Here’s your chocolate dreidel,
Have a few more latkes, but
You’d better lose some weight or you’ll be dead.

Survivor – Texas Style

Due to the popularity of the “Survivor” shows, Texas is planning to do one entitled:
“Survivor – Texas-Style!”

The lucky contestants will all start in Dallas, drive to Waco, Austin, San Antonio, then over to Houston and down to Brownsville. They will then proceed up to Del Rio, El Paso, Odessa, Midland, Lubbock, and Amarillo. From there they will go on to Abilene and Fort Worth. Finally back to Dallas.

Each contestant will be driving a pink Prius with 10 bumper stickers which will read:

1. “I’m A Democrat”
2. “Amnesty For Illegal’s”
3. “Boycott Beef”
4. “George Strait Sucks”
5. “Re-elect Obama In 2016″
6. “Rosie O’Donnell Is Texas Born”
7. “I Love Obamacare and Chuck Schumer”
8. “It’s Bush’s Fault”
9. “Islam Is A Peace-Loving Religion”
And the last sticker is …………

10. “I’m Here To Confiscate Your Guns”

The first contestant to make it back to Dallas – ALIVE – wins.

Is That Really The Lesson Here?

Lost Your Pen = No Pen
No Pen = No Notes
No Notes = No Study
No Study = Fail
Fail = No Diploma
No Diploma = No Work
No Work = No Money
No Money = No Food
No Food = You Get Skinny
Skinny = Then You Get Ugly
Ugly = No Lover
No Lover = No Marriage
No Marriage = No Children
No Children = Alone
Alone = Depression
Depression = Sickness
Sickness = Death
Lesson: Don’t Loose Your Pen.

The Evolution of a Math Problem

1950:
A lumberjack sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of this price. What is his profit?

1960 (traditional math):
A lumberjack sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of this price, or in other words $80. What is his profit?

1970 (new math):
A lumberjack exchanges a set L of lumber for a set M of money. The cardinality of set M is 100, and each element is worth $1. Make 100 dots representing the elements of set M. The set C is a subset of set M, of cardinality 80. What is the cardinality of the set P of profits, if P is the difference set M\C?

1980 (equal opportunity math):
A lumberjack sells a truckload of wood for $100. His or her cost of production is $80, and his or her profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

1990 (outcome based education):
By cutting down beautiful forest trees, a lumberperson makes $20. What do you think of his way of making a living? In your group, discuss how the forest birds and squirrels feel, and write an essay about it.

1998 (entrepreneurial math):
By laying off 402 of its lumberjacks, a company improves its stock price from $80 to $100. How much capital gain per share does the CEO make by exercising his stock options at $80? Assume capital gains are no longer taxed, because this encourages investment.

2003 (motivational math):
A logging company exports its wood-finishing jobs to its Indonesian subsidiary and lays off the corresponding half of its US workers (the higher-paid half). It clear-cuts 95% of the forest, leaving the rest for the spotted owl, and lays off all its remaining US workers. It tells the workers that the spotted owl is responsible for the absence of fellable trees and lobbies Congress for exemption from the Endangered Species Act. Congress instead exempts the company from all federal regulation. What is the return on investment of the lobbying?

More If Companies Had Realistic Slogans What Would They Be?

1. McDonald’s: We make you fat and stupid.
2. Facebook: Privacy? What privacy?
3. Google: All Your Data Belongs To Us.
4. Jaguar: For men who’d like hand jobs from beautiful women they hardly know.
5. Hummer: For drivers whose concerns about adequacy dwarf their concerns about mileage.
6. British Petroleum: Yeah, We’re Sorry. What Are You Gonna Do About It?
7. Fukushima: Yeah, We’re Sorry. What Are You Gonna Do About It?
8. Exxon: Yeah, We’re Sorry. What Are You Gonna Do About It?
9. AT&T: We’re too big to care.
10. Archer Daniels Midland: We brag about extracting vitamin C from corn. We then sell you quasi-food products made from corn that lacks vitamin C, as well as vitamin C supplements at a considerable mark-up.
11. YouTube – Don’t read the comments…No, seriously. Just don’t.
12. White Castle: It’s Food….Technically.
13. Trojan: Keeping child support payments in your pocket since 1950
14. Ticketmaster: We deserve our cut because we said so.
15. Taco Bell… for when you found some change in the couch cushions while you were looking for the lighter.
16. Denny’s: Because its 2 am, you’re drunk, and you need pancakes.
17. Comcast: Only in business because of localized monopolies.
18. Tesla: Told you so.
19. Google: You know we’re just a step away from creating Skynet.
20. 1 800 Flowers: The cheapest way to say you remembered your anniversary an hour ago.
21. Facebook: Privacy is overrated.
22. Subway: Tricking you into high calorie meals for years.
23. Target: We’re what would happen if Wal-Mart got its shit together
24. Best Buy: Yes we know it’s the Amazon showroom
25. Mountain Dew: Because who really needs teeth?
26. Gamestop: We’ll give you 6 bucks for that 60 dollar game you bought yesterday
27. NetFlix – Wait, don’t go! Arrested Development!

Wrong Number

A man joined a big Multi National Company as a trainee. On his first day he dialed the cafeteria and shouted into the phone, “Get me a coffee quickly!” The voice from the other side responded, “You fool you’ve dialed the wrong extension! Do you know who you’re talking to, dummy?” “No”, replied the trainee. “It’s the Managing Director of the company, you fool!” The man shouted back, “And do you know who YOU are talking to, you old Bastard?” “No.”, replied the Managing Director. “Good!”, replied the trainee and put down the phone!

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No One Knows, Just Pick One

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That’s The Way To Do It

Good Idea, But Really?!!

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Buy Her What She Really Wants

I’m Sure He Had It Coming

Well That’s One Way To Look At It