Don’t Google Mommy (A Comedy Song by Riki Lindhome)

Hello, And Welcome To The Mental Health Hot Line.

• If you are obsessive compulsive, press “1″ repeatedly.
• If you are co-dependent, ask someone to press “2″ for you.
• If you have multiple personalities, press “3″,”4″,”5″, and “6″.
• If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line and we’ll trace your call.
• If you are delusional, press “7″ and your call will be transferred to the Mother Ship.
• If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
• If you are depressed, it doesn’t matter which number you press. No one will answer you.
• If you are dyslexic, press “69696969″.
• If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the key until you hear the “beep”. After the “beep”, please wait for the “beep”.
• If you have a short-term memory loss, please try your call again later.
• If you have low self esteem, please hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you.

Fake Lie Detector

Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message “He’s lying” was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn’t telling the truth. Believing the “lie detector” was working, the suspect confessed.

If The Person Who Named Walkie Talkies Named Everything

Stamps – Lickie Stickie
Defibrillators – Hearty Starty
Bumble bees – Fuzzy Buzzy
Pregnancy test — Maybe Baby
Bra – Breastie Nestie
Fork – Stabby Grabby
Socks – Feetie Heatie
Hippo – Floatie Bloatie
Nightmare – Screamy Dreamy

Just Tell It Like It Is

The kids were awful today. From morning until bedtime.

Before lights out, my 6-year-old said to me, “I’m sorry, Dad. Tomorrow will be a better day.”

I smiled, pushed her hair away from her adorable little face and said, “You’re so full of shit!”

Nine Things to Whisper to Complete Strangers

1. “I have the plans. Do you have the diamond?”
2. “Salty peanuts! Salty peanuts! Salty peanuts!”
3. “Secretly. I am a gorilla.”
4. “Does this make sense to you? Like, any of it?”
5. “Pretend we are turtles named Luther and Emily. I don’t care who’s who.”
6. “Are your pockets full of macaroni and cheese, too?”
7. “I arrived by elephant.”
8. “Bread is real.”
9. “You know, under different circumstances. I believe we could have been the owners of rival graveyards. Each resorting to increasingly desperate, not to mention questionable, nay, even illegal, means to secure. how shall we say… permanent residents?”

The Sun Is Always Full

After an exhausting, week long festival I was getting a lift back home in a car full of my friends. We were coming up over a mountain road with a really beautiful ocean view just at sunset.

I’ll never forget the outburst that followed when I said “wow it’s so beautiful, and it’s even a full sun!”

I momentarily forgot that only moons have phases, and that the sun is generally always ‘full’ … my friends have never let me live it down.

Rules For Dating My Son

1. He is not your ATM.
2. If you show up to my house looking like a stripper, I will make you go away.
3. If I see any “sexts” on his phone, I will make you go away.
4. Understand that if I don’t like you, I will make you go away.
5. Understand that I can make you go away.
6. He’s a “Mama’s boy.” Unless you have a ring on your finger, your opinion of that does not matter.
7. You are not in charge of him and it is not up to you to change him. Take him for who he is, or see rule #5.
8. He is a gentleman. I taught him that. You better act like a lady and deserve that.
9. I know how to avoid jail.
10. If you weasel your way past all of these rules and fake your way to a ring on your finger, I will be something much worse than your boyfriend’s mom. I’ll be your mother-in-law.

There’s A Study I Believe In

Studies show that moms who get at least 30 minutes away from their kids every day while their kids play independently are 176% less likely to fake their own death and run away.

Were just saying…

Statistical Data

Different types of phone call duration:

Boy to Boy 00:00:59
Boy to Mom 00:00:50
Boy to Dad 00:00:30
Boy to Girl 01:23:59
Girl to Girl 05:29:59
Husband to Wife 00:00:03
Mom to Married Daughter 10:50:58
Wife to Husband 14 Missed Calls

Yeh, That’s Why You Want To Be Alone

Christmas time is great because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!”

And people think you are wrapping presents.

When you just want to drink wine in peace and not share your chocolates with anyone.

Yep! That’s Definitely The Worst

LETS GET READY TO RUMBLE!!!

What Other Adventures Does She Have

About Time! That Damn Rat Has Cost Me Too Much Already

No They Just Didn’t Like You

Well They Have To Start Sometime

How Long Do We Have To Train To Do That?

So That’s Why Those Easy Bake Oven Cookies Always Smelled Like Brimstone

Don’t Laugh, You Know Their Coming

Now It’s Clear