When It Rains In L.A.

Mistakes At A Hostage Negotiation

As Hostage Taker:
• Demand to speak only with FBI agents Fox Mulder and Dana Scully.
• Have one of the hostages hold your gun while you make a quick trip to the bathroom.
• Let one hostage go to the bathroom. When he doesn’t return, send the others to see what’s taking him so long.
• Agree to let the hostages go, after doing so, make you demands.
• Rig the building to explode if someone tries to go through the door, then remember that you forgot to lock your car and leave the room.
• Confuse the detonator for your explosive booby-traps with your garage door opener.
• Tell the negotiator that you’d rather choke on tear gas than let the hostages go.
• Allow one of the hostages to win possession of your gun because of a paper-rock scissors tournament.
• Forget your gun at home.
• Run away bawling like a baby when one of your hostages calls you a “meanie”.
Ask the negotiator to tell your fiancé that this is all a joke and would she marry you.

As Negotiator:
• Ask the hostage taker if he/she would like to go to dinner after the stand-off.
• When hearing the demands suddenly yell into the phone, “It all you you you! What about my needs?!”
• When you call the hostage taker, tell him you’d like a large thick crust pepperoni and snicker loudly.
• Show up stoned and do anything at all.
• When the hostage taker lists his demands yell into the phone “La la la la! I can’t hear you!”
• Mention how much income tax the hostage taker will have to pay if he/she gets the F-15 he/she wants.
• Tell the hostage take that you think Rosanne Barr should play him in the TV movie of the stand-off.
• Tell the hostage taker you think it’d be really cool if a hostage came flying out of a 52nd story window.
• Tell the hostage taker that he must convert to hindu if he wants you to deal with him.
• When the hostage taker agrees to let the hostages go tell him, “You’re never gonna be on COPS with a wimp attitude like that.”

Be Careful When Robbing Lawyers

A gang of robbers broke into a lawyer’s club by mistake. The old legal lions gave them a fight for their life and their money. The gang was very happy to escape.

“It ain’t so bad,” one crook noted. “We got $25 between us.”

The boss screamed: “I warned you to stay clear of lawyers! We had $100 when we broke in!”

Kitchen Wisdom?

• A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen, and this kitchen is delirious!
• No husband has ever been shot while doing dishes.
• A husband is someone who takes out the trash and gives the impression he just cleaned the whole house.
• Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
• Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.
• Help keep the kitchen clean-eat out!
• Housework done properly, can kill you.
• Countless numbers of people have eaten in this kitchen and gone on to lead normal lives.
• My next house will have no kitchen—just vending machines.

I Love Upstate New York

Aug. 12
Moved to our new home in Upstate New York. It is so beautiful here. The mountains are so majestic and I can hardly wait to see snow covering them.
Oct. 14
New York is the most beautiful place on earth. The leaves have turned all colors of red and orange. Went for a ride through the beautiful mountains and saw some deer. They are so graceful and surely the most wonderful animal on earth. This must be paradise. I love it here.
Nov. 11
Deer season will start soon. I can’t imagine anyone wanting to kill such a gorgeous creature. Hope it will snow soon. I love it here.
Dec. 2
It snowed last night. Woke up to find everything blanketed with white. It looks like a postcard. We went outside and cleaned the snow off the steps and shoveled the driveway. We had a snowball fight (I won), and when the snow plow came by, we had to shovel the driveway again. What a beautiful place. I love New York.
Dec. 12
More snow last night. I love it. The snow plow did his trick on the driveway again.
Dec. 19
More snow last night. Couldn’t get out of the driveway to get to work. I’m exhausted from shoveling. *&^)@| snow plow!
Dec. 22
More of that white crap fell last night. I’ve got blisters from shoveling! I think the snow plow waits around the curve until I’m done shoveling. Idiot!
Dec. 25
Merry *!$%@:|* Christmas. More damned snow. If I ever get my hands on that SOB who drives the snow plow I swear I’ll kill him. Don’t know why they don’t use more salt on the roads to melt the ice.
Dec. 27
More white crap last night. Been inside for 3 days, except for shoveling the driveway every time the snow plow goes by. Can’t go anywhere; the car is stuck in a mountain of white *$%@:|*. The weatherman says to expect another 10″ of snow again tonight. Do you know how many shovels full of snow 10″ is?
Dec. 28
The weatherman was wrong. We got 34″ this time. At this rate it won’t melt until summer. The snow plow got stuck up the road and that SOB came to the door and asked to borrow my shovel. After I told him I had broken six shovels shoveling all the stuff he had pushed into my driveway, I broke the seventh over his damned head.
Jan. 4
Finally got out of the house today! Went to the store to get food and on the way back, hit a deer. Did about $3000 damage to the car. Those beasts should be killed! Wish the hunters had killed them all last November.
May 3
Took the car to the garage in town. Would you believe it’s rusting out from all the *$%@:|* salt they put on the roads?
May 10
Moved to Georgia. I can’t imagine why anyone in their right mind would live in that God-forsaken state of New York!

Did You Write This?

A professor asked a student to remain for a few moments after class. Holding out the young man’s assignment, the professor said, “Did you write this poem all by yourself?”

The student said, “Every word of it.”

The professor said, “Well, then, I’m glad to meet you, Mr. Poe. I thought you were long dead.”

Ten Best Ways to Get Out of Work

Looking for a way to take some extra vacation days without the boss calling you on the carpet? Check out these inventive and effective methods for professional slacking.

(NOTE: Don’t be stupid enough to actually try any of the items below, or you’ll find yourself in jail, in the hospital, or, even worse, in the unemployment line!)

1. Hire a cube double to fill in for you. If he/she’s not a perfect match, have the double wear extensive bandages, and claim you had issues with the grill over the weekend.
2. Give your computer a virus. (We’re talking a computer virus. We don’t recommend being intimate with your PC.)
3. Flash a finger at the sweating guy on the Harley in the next lane. Call in and share that you were the victim of road rage on the way to work.
4. Lecture each day–for at least an hour–on how fantastic an idea the Electoral College is. Trust us, they’ll be relieved when you don’t show up the next day. (Disclaimer: this may result in termination or a ‘whooping.’)
5. Break some minor laws, then challenge the police to a high-speed chase. Nobody can expect you to work from a jail cell.
6. Call in to announce that your laxatives finally kicked in and that you won’t be able leave the bathroom all day.
7. Donate your work clothes to charity. Better yet, tell your boss that all of your work clothes were at the cleaners…which burned down.
8. Feed your dog the car keys. Wrap them in slices of American cheese if he/she is reluctant to swallow them.
9. Cut your finger on the latest inspirational poster, requiring a cozy stay at the hospital. (Remember: “no pain, no gain.”)
10. Stay home without letting anyone at the office know where you are. If anyone calls looking for you, answer the phone in a bad Italian accent and say, “Luigi’s pizza! Will this be delivery or carry out?”

Headache Cure

If you have a lot of tension and you get headaches, do what it says on the aspirin bottle:

“Take two and keep away from children.”

Fun At Your Local Pool

• Stand on top of the high board and say you won’t come down until your demands are met.
• Tell the lifeguards that they aren’t doing their jobs because you have seen at least 15 people drown today.
• Ask people if they have seen your pet shark.
• Sit in the baby pool and play with the toys.
• Take a flutter board and pretend you can’t swim.
• Hit strangers with your flutter board.
• Ask an attractive lifeguard to practice CPR on you.
• Sit in front of a water jet, make moaning sounds and say, ”Oh yeah… oooh that feels soooo good….”
• Sit on the top of the water slide and don’t move.
• Swim near a stranger and go ”Dammit I knew I shouldn’t have had watermelon before I came here.”
• Insist that you saw a monster at the bottom of the pool.
• Pretend to drown and then when someone tries to help you, say ”HA-HA, fooled you!”
• Scream at someone as they are trying to jump off of a diving board.
• Laugh at fat people in swimsuits.
• Tell people you saw the lifeguard pissing in the pool.
• Ask a lifeguard if skinny-dipping is allowed.
• Try to negotiate the price of getting in.
• Take a really long time when you are on top of the high dive and then act as though you were pushed off.
• When in line, ask strangers if they think invisible people get a discount.
• Take your towel, tie it around your shoulders and say ”Wheee! I’m Batman!” while running around.
• Hit strangers with your wet towel.
• Throw people’s things into the pool.
• Sing and dance on top of the diving board, then do a belly-flop as your grand-finale.
• Play Marco-Polo by yourself.
• Ask small children if they have seen any suspicious-looking sea monsters lately.

When I’m An Old Lady……………..

When I’m an old lady, I’ll live with each kid,
And bring so much happiness…just as they did.

I want to pay back all the joy they’ve provided.
Returning each deed! Oh, they’ll be so excited!

I’ll write on the wall with reds, whites and blues,
And I’ll bounce on the furniture…wearing my shoes.

I’ll drink from the carton and then leave it out.
I’ll stuff all the toilets and oh, how they’ll shout!

When they’re on the phone and just out of reach,
I’ll get into things like sugar and bleach.

Oh, they’ll snap their fingers
And then shake their head,

When they cook dinner and call me to eat,
I’ll not eat my green beans or salad or meat,

I’ll gag on my okra, spill milk on the table,
And when they get angry…I’ll run…if I’m able!

I’ll sit close to the TV, through the channels I’ll click,
I’ll cross both eyes just to see if they stick.

I’ll take off my socks and throw one away,
And play in the mud ’til the end of the day!

And later in bed, I’ll lay back and sigh,
I’ll thank God in prayer and then close my eyes.

My kids will look down with a smile slowly creeping,
And say with a groan, “She’s so sweet when she’s sleeping!”

Bless All Moms and Grandmas Everywhere! Revenge awaits…………………

You Might Be a Nurse if…

• when using a public restroom, you wash your hands with soap for a full minute and turn off the faucets with your elbows.
• when you tell a man you meet for the first time you’re a nurse, you’re expected to laugh hysterically when he asks you for a sponge bath, as if it was the most original and wittiest thing you’ve ever heard.
• your favorite dream is the one where you leave a mess at a patient’s bedside and tell a doctor to clean it up.
• everyone, including complete strangers, tells you about each and every ache and pain they have.
• you want to put your foot through the TV screen every time you see a nurse on a soap opera doing nothing but talking on the phone and flirting with doctors.
• you can almost SEE the germs on doorknobs and telephones.
• you can watch the goriest movie and eat anything afterwards, even spaghetti with lots of tomato sauce.
• you use a plastic 30cc medicine cup for a shot glass.

Forget The Car Seat Mom I Got My Own Ride

How Men Screw Up Romance

It’s A Dollar For A Combo Meal Where Did You Think The Meat Came From?

Red Neck Water Skiing

The Perfect Mother In-Law

Because You Never Know What’s Going To Fall Out

The Way Advertising Should Be

You Should Really Watch What You Say To Your Kids

It’s One Thing Not To Know Another Language But To Not Know Your Own

This Lady Should Run For Office!