Sesame Street: Happy New Year Song!

New Year’s Quotes

New Year’s Day: Now is the accepted time to make your regular annual good resolutions. Next week you can begin paving hell with them as usual. – Mark Twain

Good resolutions are simply checks that men draw on a bank where they have no account. – Oscar Wilde

It wouldn’t be New Year if I didn’t have regrets. – William Thomas

I’m a little bit older, a little bit wiser, a little bit rounder, but still none the wiser. – Robert Paul

New Year’s Eve: Where old acquaintance be forgot…Unless, of course, those tests come back positive. – Jay Leno

The proper behavior all through the holiday season is to be drunk. This drunkenness culminates on New Year’s Eve, when you get so drunk you kiss the person you’re married to. – P.J. O’Rourke

Now there are more overweight people in America than average-weight people. So overweight people are now average, which means, you have met your New Year’s resolution. – Jay Leno

Youth is when you’re allowed to stay up late on New Year’s Eve. Middle age is when you’re forced to. – Bill Vaughan

Many people look forward to the New Year for a new start on old habits. – Anonymous

May all your troubles last as long as your New Year’s resolutions! – Joey Adams

The only way to spend New Year’s Eve is either quietly with friends or in a brothel. Otherwise when the evening ends and people pair off, someone is bound to be left in tears. – W.H. Auden

“New Year’s Resolution: To tolerate fools more gladly, provided this does not encourage them to take up more of my time.” -James Agate

If you’re born in September, it’s pretty safe to assume that your parents started their new year with a ‘Bang.’ – Unknown

New year’s is my favorite holiday. Mostly because everyone wants to make out. – Unknown

Now That’s Pretty Drunk

I was so drunk last night.

When I got to the bottom of the stairs, I took off my shoes, coat, top, trousers and underwear.

I crept upstairs very quietly…

It was only when I got to the top of the stairs, I realized I was on a fu(king bus!!!

Interesting New Years Resolutions

1. I will find that bastard who let the dogs out.
2. Wear pants when I leave the house.
3. I will always replace the gas nozzle before driving away from the pump.
4. I will shower less and use more cologne
5. I will find out what the hell that smell is
6. I will change my username to ‘password’ and my password to ‘username’
7. Stop blaming others for my flatulants.
8. Stop talking on the phone while on the crapper
9. I will have sex while sky diving
10. Stop making out with so many supermodels every night
11. I will work with neglected children…my own
12. I will change all the clocks flashing ’12:00′
13. Don’t eat medicine just because it looks like candy.
14. Stop making New Year’s resolutions

That’s Just Mean

My bank has a new service where they will text you your balance.

It’s cool, I just don’t think they should add “LOL” at the end.

Bet You Can’t Say These

DIFFICULT THINGS TO SAY WHEN DRUNK
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Cinnamon

VERY DIFFICULT THINGS TO SAY WHEN DRUNK
1. Specificity
2. Passive-disorder
3. Transubstantiate

THINGS THAT ARE DOWN RIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK
1. No thanks, I’m married.
2. Nope, no more for me.
3. I don’t want to see your t!ts.

There Still Trying To Find The Reason

Do you remember, before the internet, that it was thought that the cause of collective stupidity was the lack of access to information?

Well … it wasn’t that

The Interesting Things That Can Be Said During Sex And Vacation

• I thought you said you didn’t need directions!
• We should do this more often!
• Is there a group discount?
• This is so much better without the kids around.
• It’s everything I dreamed it would be.
• Are we there yet?
• Who wants crabs?
• My only plan involves laying on my back.
• Don’t forget to bring a towel!
• I’ve been saving up all year for this.
• It looked so much bigger in the brochure
• Look at that spread…
• Is you’re Mother joining us?
• Just sit back and relax
• Are you in or not?
• Same time next year?
• Why does it always burn?
• Wish you were here.
• I don’t think I have ever had a better maid.
• How much do I tip?
• This blows.
• Did we have to bring your brother?
• Who’s coming with me?
• Everyone should pee before we get started.
• It costs HOW MUCH?
• I’m never coming here again.

Who Cares When Your In Love

The guy sat next to me on the train and pulled out a photo of his wife and said, “She’s beautiful, isn’t she?”

I said, “If you think she’s beautiful, you should see my wife.”

He said, “Why? Is she a stunner?”

I said, “No, she’s an optician!”

World Explained By 2 Cows….

SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbor.

COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows
The State takes both and gives you some milk.

FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk.

BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other and then throws the milk away.

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.

VENTURE CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.

The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.

The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyze why the cow has died.

A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike, organize a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don’t know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.

A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5,000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.

A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.

AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
Nobody believes you, so they bomb the crap out of you and invade your country.
You still have no cows but at least you are now a Democracy.

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows.
The one on the left looks very attractive.

A GREEK CORPORATION
You have two cows borrowed from French and German banks.
You eat both of them.
The banks call to collect their milk, but you cannot deliver so you call the IMF.
The IMF loans you two cows.
You eat both of them.
The banks and the IMF call to collect their cows/milk.
You are out getting a haircut.

You’re Right I Don’t Believe It

A woman has a problem with her wardrobe door in the bedroom. Every time a bus passes outside the house, the door of the wardrobe, would fall off.

She called a repairman to try and fix the problem.

The repairman comes, and he sees that indeed the door did fall off every time a bus passed by.

“Okay!” said the repairman, “I’m going to step inside the wardrobe, you close the door behind me, ’til I see if I can detect what the problem is”, and he steps into the wardrobe. The wife closes the door behind him.

At this point the husband suddenly arrives home, and find his wife in the bedroom talking to somebody. He rushes upstairs,and opens the wardrobe door, see’s the repairman, and shouts, ‘What the hell are you doing in there?”

The repairman meekly replies, ‘Well believe it or not, I’m waiting for a bus!”