Two Weeks Later: Resolution Fails

Thoughts On 2016

2016 was the year we went from thinking that there might be an alternate universe, to realizing that we were the alternate universe.

The Mayan Calendar was off by 4 years

If this year was a novel, you would reject it for being unrealistic.

2013, 2014, 2015, [Redacted], 2017

Someone said, “What’s the worst that could happen?” And the universe took them up on that.

Good things that happened in 2016:
1. John Snow came back from the dead
2. We finally got a new Frank Ocean album
3. Err…you probably saw a really cute dog at some point.
4. Yeah sorry, that’s it.

What ever else happened this year, never forget that in 2016 Leo Dicaprio finally won a fucking Oscar.

Feels like someone went back to 2006 and accidentally killed a butterfly.

Zsa Zsa Gabor’s Best Quotes About Love, Marriage And Divorce

Zsa Zsa Gabor, 1917-2016

After 9 husbands she would know

“The only place men want depth in a woman is in her décolletage.”

“Sexual attraction only lasts two years, and who wants to stay with a man if you’re not sexually attracted?”

“Husbands are like fires. They go out when unattended.”

“I know nothing about sex, because I was always married.”

“You never really know a man until you have divorced him.”

“I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man, I keep his house.”

“When I’m alone, I can sleep cross-ways in bed without an argument.”

“It’s never as easy to keep your own spouse happy as it is to make someone else’s spouse happy.”

“I’m not a girl who sits home and knits, you know.”

“Being jealous of a beautiful woman is not going to make you beautiful.”

“I never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.”

“I have learned that not diamonds but divorce lawyers are a girl’s best friend.”

“I want a man who’s kind and understanding. Is that too much to ask of a millionaire?”

“You can say I’m full of shit — but don’t say I’m old.”

“A girl must marry for love, and keep on marrying until she finds it.”

The Banana Test

There is a very, very tall coconut tree and there are 4 animals, a lion, a chimpanzee, a giraffe, and a squirrel, who pass by.

They decide to compete to see who is the fastest to get a banana off the tree.

Who do you think will win?

Your answer will reflect your personality.

So think carefully . . . Try and answer within 30 seconds

Got your answer?

Now scroll down to see the analysis.

If you picked:

Lion – you’re dull.

Chimpanzee – you’re a moron.

Giraffe – you’re a complete idiot.

Squirrel – you’re just hopelessly stupid.

A Coconut tree doesn’t have Bananas!!!!!

Obviously you’re stressed and overworked.
You should take some time off and relax!
Try again next year.

New Years Resolutions You Can Actually Keep

• Read less.
• I want to gain weight. Put on at least 30 pounds.
• I will start buying lottery tickets at a luckier store.
• Stop exercising. Waste of time.
• Watch more TV. I’ve been missing some good stuff.
• Watch less T.V. in standard definition.
• Gain enough weight to get on The Biggest Loser.
• Watch more movie remakes.
• Start washing my hands after I use the restroom.
• Procrastinate more.
• I will do less laundry and use more deodorant.
• I will become a vegan for a day and subsequently learn that it was a missed steak.
• I will no longer waste my time relieving the past, instead I will spend it worrying about the future. Drink. Drink some more.
• Stop buying worthless junk on Ebay, because QVC has better specials.
• Start being superstitious.
• Spend more time at work.
• Stop bringing lunch from home: I should eat out more.
• Take up a new habit: maybe smoking!

New Years Resolutions You Have No Chance At Keeping

• When I hear a funny joke I will not reply, “LOL, LMAO, or ROTFLMAO!”
• Start using Facebook for something other than Farmville and stupid quizzes
• I will try to figure out why I “really” need 5 Facebook accounts.
• I resolve to work with neglected children… my own.
• Lose 20 pounds by going to the gym!
• I will stop using, “So, what’s your URL?” as a pickup line.
• I will spend less than five hour a day on the Internet.
• I will read the manual… just as soon as I can find it.
• Spend less than $1000 for coffee at Starbucks this year.
• Lose weight by inventing an anti-gravity machine.
• Stop repeating myself again, and again, and again.
• I will stop tagging pictures of myself in pictures even when I’m not in them.
• I will think of a password other than “password”

The Blonde Cookbook

Monday: It’s fun to cook for Tom. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately. The neighbors were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls.

Tuesday: Tom wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said serve without dressing. So I didn’t dress. What a surprise when Tom brought a friend home for supper

Wednesday: A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming the rice. It seemed kind of silly but I took a bath anyway. I can’t say it improved the rice any.

Thursday: Today Tom asked for salad again I tried a new recipe. It said prepare ingredients; lay on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving. Tom asked me why I was rolling around in the garden..

Friday: I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said put the ingredients in a bowl and beat it. There must have been something wrong with this recipe. When I got back, everything was the same as when I left.

Saturday: Tom did the shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday. I don’t have any clothes that fit it, and for some reason Tom keeps counting to ten.

Sunday: Tom’s folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast but all I had was hamburger. Suddenly I had a flash of genius. I put the hamburger in the oven and set the controls for roast. It still came out hamburger, much to my disappointment.

GOOD NIGHT DEAR DIARY. This has been a very exciting week! I am eager for tomorrow to come so I can try out a new recipe on Tom. If I can talk Tom into buying a bigger oven, I would like to surprise him with a chocolate moose.

So I Asked My Doctor:

Q: I’ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that’s it . . . Don’t waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that’s like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn! And what are these? Vegetables! So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can’t think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain…Good!

Q: Aren’t fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU’RE NOT LISTENING!!! . Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they’re permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO — Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It’s the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

AND…
For those of you who watch what you eat, here’s the final word on nutrition and health. It’s a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION:

Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English and being American is apparently what kills you!

Computer Error

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Eric, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over. Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.

As he was walking away, I called after him, ‘So, what was wrong? He replied, ‘It was an ID ten T error.’

I didn’t want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, ‘An, ID ten T error? What’s that? In case I need to fix it again.’

Eric grinned…. ‘Haven’t you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?’

‘No,’ I replied. ‘Write it down,’ he said, ‘and I think you’ll figure it out.’

So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T

I used to like Eric…..

New Years Eve One Liners

• A New Year’s resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other.
• My new year’s resolution is to be more optimistic by keeping my cup half-full with either rum, vodka, or whiskey.
• New Years Eve is the only acceptable time to wear body glitter without being mistaken for a stripper.
• New Years Eve forecast: “Mostly drunk with a slight chance of passing out.”
• My New Year’s resolution is to stop hanging out with people who ask me about my New Year’s resolutions. If your born in September, its pretty safe to assume your parents started out the New Year with a Bang! I have only one resolution. To rediscover the difference between wants and needs. May I have all I need and want all I have. Happy New Year!
• If 2016 was a person, I’d sue him for pain and suffering and lost wages.
• Many things can be preserved in alcohol this New Years Eve. DIGNITY is not one of them.
• My New Years Resolution is to break my New Years Resolutions….That way I succeed at something!

An Actual Letter To The Passport Office

Dear Sir,

I’m in the process of renewing my passport, and I still cannot believe this? How is it that Radio Shack has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a television cable from them back in 1997, and yet, the Federal Government is still asking me where I was born and on what date.

For Christ sakes, do you guys do this by hand? My birth date you have on my social security card, and it is on all the income tax forms I’ve filed for the past 30 years. It is on my health insurance card, my driver’s license, on the last eight goddamn passports I’ve had, on all those stupid customs declaration forms I’ve had to fill out before being allowed off the planes over the last 30 years, and all those insufferable census forms that are done at election times.

Would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother’s name is Maryanne, my father’s name is Robert and I’d be absolutely astounded if that ever changed between now and when I die!!!!!!

Shit!? I apologize; I’m really pissed off this morning. Between you and me, I’ve had enough of this bullshit! You send the application to my house, then you ask me for my f@#$ing address. What is going on? You have a gang of Neanderthal assholes working there!? Look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? I don’t want to dig up Yasser Arafat, for shit sakes. I just want to go and park my ass on a sandy beach? And would someone please tell me, why would you give a shit whether I plan on visiting a farm in the next 15 days? If I ever got the urge to do something weird to a chicken or a goat, believe you me, I’d sure as hell not want to tell anyone!

Well, I have to go now, ’cause I have to go to the other end of the city and get another f@#$ing copy of my birth certificate, to the tune of $60. Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot to assist in the issuance of a new passport the same day??? Nooooo, that’d be too damn easy and maybe makes sense. You’d rather have us running all over the f@#$in’ place like chickens with our heads cut off, then find some asshole to confirm that it’s really me on the goddamn picture – you know, the one where we’re not allowed to smile?! (f@#$n’ morons). Not to mention the fact that I had to pay $3.89 for a gallon of gas to get there, and it was 31 miles from my house. For the round trip it cost me another additional $13.39 just for gas!

Hey, you know why we can’t smile? We’re totally pissed off!?

Signed, an irate f@#$ing citizen.

P.S. Remember what I said above about the picture and getting someone to confirm that it’s me? Well, my family has been in this country since 1776. I have served in the military for something over 30 years and have had security clearances up the yingyang? However, I have to get someone ‘important’ to verify who I am – you know, someone like my doctor WHO WAS BORN AND RAISED IN COMMUNIST f@#$ing CHINA!

Sincerely,
John Q. Public

If This Works I’ll Believe In God!

I Hate It When My Goat Gets Stuck In The Vending Machine

Good Neighbors

This Was Too Good Not To Put On Again

Tequila…Only Good The Night Before

How Did Wearing This Shirt Seam Like A Good Idea?

Now Might Be A Good Time To Let Go Idiot!

But It’s So Good!

This Sunday Only! Buy A Tiger Shark, Get A…Uhh, Fish

Well Yes I Am Rich, But How Did You Know? Lucky Guess