Cold Dead Hand with Jim Carrey

Funny Harmless Ways To Mess with People

• Carefully step over a non-existing obstacle.
• When cold called, make your only response “Whut?” in varying tones. Nothing else. Just “Whut?”
• Say “High five” to someone, but don’t put your hand up.
• When someone is talking to you look right over top of their head. Keep the conversation going but look right over them.
• Glue a quarter to the sidewalk and watch people trying to pick it up.
• Mistakenly pronounce words mid-sentence only to pronounce them correctly moments later.
• Text “Turn around!” to a friend when you are not near him.
• Whenever you’re speaking to somebody who is dominating the conversation, focus on their chin or ear. Look slightly concerned. Every so often flick back to their eyes, but then always make your way back to the one thing. Watch them get increasingly more uncomfortable then eventually just leave.
• Call one of those “How’s my driving” bumper sticker numbers and let them know that their driving is wonderful.
• Hand somebody something without any explanation and walk away.

Best Way To Break Up A Fight
 
I saw two blind guys fighting…
 
You should’ve seen the look on their faces when I said, “My money’s on the one with the knife.”

Prison Vs. Work

IN PRISON…You spend the majority of your time in an 8×10 cell.
AT WORK…..You spend most of your time in a 6×8 cubicle.
 
IN PRISON…You get three meals a day.
AT WORK…..You only get a break for 1 meal and you have to pay for it.
 
IN PRISON…You get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK…..You get rewarded for good behavior with more work.
 
IN PRISON…A guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK…..You must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.
 
IN PRISON…You can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK…..You get fired for watching TV and playing games.
 
IN PRISON…You get your own toilet.
AT WORK…..You have to share.
 
IN PRISON…They allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK…..You cannot even speak to your family and friends.
 
IN PRISON…All expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required.
AT WORK…..You get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.
 
IN PRISON…You spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out.
AT WORK…..You spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.
 
IN PRISON…There are wardens who are often sadistic.
AT WORK…..They are called supervisors.
 
IN PRISON…You have unlimited time to read e-mail jokes.
AT WORK…..You get fired if you get caught.

How Is That Fair?

Oh, so when other people call their pets “fur baby” its fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow, I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”?

Senior’s Texting Code

WAITT – Who Am I Talking To?
BFF – Best Friend’s Funeral
GHA – Got Heartburn Again
IMHAO – Is My Hearing-Aid On?
OMMR – On My Massage Recliner
TTML – Talk To Me Louder
BTW – Bring The Wheelchair
ROFLCGU – Rolling On The Floor Laughing, Can’t Get Up

I Just Thought Up A New Dating App

Hear me out: A dating app for healthcare workers and first responders called Grumble. It’s like Bumble, but you bond over how your
backs always hurt and your mutual disdain for the human race.
 
Premium users will have the option to filter out certain specialties and shifts.

The Game Of Golf!

In primitive society, when native tribes beat the ground with clubs and yelled, it was called witchcraft; today, in civilized society, it is called golf.
 
Golf is an expensive way of playing marbles.
 
Golf is a game in which the slowest people in the world are those in front of you, and the fastest are those behind.
 
Golf: A five mile walk punctuated with disappointments.
 
The secret of good golf is to hit the ball hard, straight and not too often.
 
There’s no game like golf: you go out with three friends, play eighteen holes, and return with three enemies.
 
Golf was once a rich man’s sport, but now it has millions of poor players.
 
An amateur golfer is one who addresses the ball twice: once before swinging, and once again after swinging.
 
Many a golfer prefers a golf cart to a caddy because the cart cannot count, criticize or laugh.

If You Really Want The Job, You Shouldn’t Get It

To summarize: It is a well-known fact that those people who most want to rule people are, ipso facto, those least suited to do it.
 
To summarize the summary: anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no account be allowed to do the
job.
 
To summarize the summary of the summary: people are a problem.

Rules For Relationships

For those of you who don’t already know, these are the rules that are in effect in every relationship.
 
1. The female always makes the rules.
2. These rules are subject to change at any time without prior notification.
3. No male can possibly know all the rules.
4. If the female suspects that the male knows all the rules, she must immediately change some or all of the rules.
5. The female is never wrong.
6. If the female is wrong, it is because of a vague misunderstanding which was a direct result of something the male said or did wrong.
7. If rule number 6 applies, the male must immediately apologize for causing the misunderstanding.
8. The female can change her mind at any given point in time.
9. The male must never change his mind without express written consent of the female.
10. The female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.
11. The male must remain calm at all times, unless the female wants him to be angry or upset.
12. The female must under no circumstances let the male know whether she wants him to be calm, angry or upset.
13. Any attempt to document these rules could result in bodily harm.
14. The female always gets the last word!
 
(*) These rules are subject to change as the female sees fit. All rules are null and void under the PMS Exception Law.

Well, That’s One Way To Look At It

After seeing the Earth from the moon, Neil Armstrong said it changed his perception of humanity.
 
Before there were arbitrary divisions and strife, but afterwards he only saw one people, all losers who hadn’t been on the moon ever.

Damn! Where Can I Get One Of Those For My Kid?

Got My Ticket For Tonight

Well You Know There’s Always An Outside Chance…

Damn Decepticons!

Now With Cigarette Ash Flavoring!

Not The First Ass Kicking Princess But At Least The Hottest In A Bikini!

Hey, At Least They Didn’t Get Them Mixed Up Anymore

Totally Understandable Kid

After The Meth Addiction But Before AA

Well At Least They Leave You Alone In The End…Said Every Parent Of A Toddler