Trump Vs the Butcher Of The Arctic

8 Nights of “Better Than Last Year” Gifts (The Hanukkah Edition):

Night 1: Something useful (dish towels/mugs).
Night 2: A book on Yiddish insults.
Night 3: Gourmet gift basket of jelly doughnuts.
Night 4: A fancy menorah that doesn’t look like a spaceship.
Night 5: A truly terrible holiday sweater (Jewish-themed, naturally).
Night 6: A bottle of schmaltz (just kidding, maybe wine).
Night 7: Socks (we’re back to socks).
Night 8: A voucher for a spa day (you’ll need it).

12 Days Of Facebook

On the 12th Day of Christmas my Facebook gave to me,
12 dudes I’m blocking,
11 friends just watching,
10 corny topics,
9 busted Barbies,
8 friends complaining,
7 stalkers stalking,
6 party invites,
Fiiiiiiiiiive Drama Queeeensssss,
4 game requests,
3 photo tags,
2 friends-a-pokin, &
a creep who won’t stop in boxing meeee

Short Hanukkah Jokes

Hanukkah Rhyme
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Nothing rhymes with Hanukkah

Hanukkah Birthday
The war on Hanukkah begins if you forget to call your mom to wish her happy holiday.

Hanukkah Present
Tomorrow is the 4th night of Hanukkah presents. Or as Jewish kids call it, “Thanks for the socks, Mom & Dad.”

Hanukkah Christmas Tree
Admiring the Christmas trees displayed in his neighbor’s windows, Nathan asks his father, ‘Daddy, can we have a Hanukkah Tree?’ ‘What? No, of course not.’ says his father. ‘Why not?’ asks Nathan again. Bewildered, his father replies, ‘Well, Nathan, because the last time we had dealings with a lighted bush we spent 40 years in the wilderness.’

Sweaters for Hanukkah
My mother once gave me two sweaters for Hanukkah. The next time we visited, I made sure to wear one. As we entered her home, instead of the expected smile, she said, ‘Aaron, what’s the matter? You didn’t like the other one?’

Jewish Hanukkah
Hanukkah must be the easiest time of the year to be a Jewish arsonist.

Bet You Didn’t Think It Was Going There Did You?

Bubba felt tired after hunting in the woods one day so he sat down on a log. He leaned his riffle against the log next to him when a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over & discharged, shooting him in the genitals.

Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his doctor.

“Well, Bubba, I have some good news & some bad news. The good news is that you are going to be OK. The damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage, & we were able to remove all of the buckshot.”

“What’s the bad news?” asked Bubba?

“The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your penis which left quite a
few holes in it. I’m going to have to refer you to my sister.”

“Well, I guess that isn’t too bad,” Bubba replied.

“Is your sister a plastic surgeon?” asked Bubba

“Not exactly” answered the doctor

“She’s a flute player in the Orchestra. She’s going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don’t piss in your eye.”

Things Only Jews Understand About Hanukkah

• The annual debate over “Chanukah” vs. “Hanukkah” spelling.
• Explaining you don’t get 8 gifts unless you’re a kid.
• Why latkes are better than Christmas cookies (fight me).
• The struggle to find good Hanukkah wrapping paper.
• The sheer joy of finding a “Mensch” mug.
• The secret shame of loving a Christmas movie.

It’s A Pet Rooster

An elderly rancher named Hank decided he wanted to head into town to catch a movie.

As he walked up to the ticket counter, the attendant asked, “Sir… what’s that on your shoulder?”

Hank replied, “Oh, that’s my pet rooster, Rusty. He goes everywhere with me.”

The attendant shook his head. “Sorry, sir no animals allowed in the theater.”

Hank thought for a second, went around the corner, and tucked Rusty down inside his overalls. Then he came back, bought his ticket, and found a seat beside two elderly sisters, Edna and Betty.

As the movie started, Rusty got restless, so Hank unbuttoned his overalls just enough for the rooster to peek out and watch.

A minute later, Edna leaned toward her sister and whispered, “Betty, I think the man beside me is being indecent.”

“What makes you think that?” Betty asked.

Edna whispered, “He’s got his, well, you know, out!”

Betty sighed, “Oh, Edna, we’re too old to be shocked. Seen one, seen ’em all.”

“That’s what I thought too,” Edna replied, “but this one’s munching on my popcorn!”

Top 10 Reasons to Like Hanukkah

10. No roof damage from reindeer
9. Never a silent night when you’re among your Jewish loved ones
8. If someone screws up on their gift, there are seven more days to correct it
7. Betting Hanukkah gelt (the chocolate coins) on candle races
6. You can use your fireplace
5. Naked spin-the-dreidel games
4. Fun waxy buildup on the menorah
3. No awkward explanations of virgin birth
2. Cheer optional
1. No Irving Berlin songs

Smile Officer Your On Candid Camera . . .I Hope

A police officer pulled over a driver and informed him that, because he was wearing his seat belt, he had just won $1,000 in a safety competition.

“What are you going to do with the prize money?’ the officer asked.

The man responded, “l guess I’ll go to driving school and get my license.”

At that moment, his wife, who was seated next to him, chimed in, “Officer, don’t listen to him. He’s a smart ass when he’s drunk.”

This woke up the guy in the back seat, who, when he saw the cop, blurted out, “I knew we wouldn’t get far in this stolen car.”

At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a voice asked, “Are we over the border yet?”

Red Skelton’s Recipe For The Perfect Marriage

1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.

2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California and mine is in Texas.

3. I take my wife everywhere….. but she keeps finding her way back.

4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. “Somewhere I haven’t
been in a long time!” she said. So I suggested the kitchen.

5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She said “There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!” So I bought her an electric chair.

7. My wife told me the car wasn’t running well because there was water in the carburetor.
I asked where the car was; she told me “In the lake.”

8. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling “Am I too late for the garbage?” The driver said “No, jump in!”

10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.

11. I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.

12. I haven’t spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don’t like to interrupt her.

13. The last fight was my fault though. My wife asked “What’s on the TV?” I said “Dust!”

Why Are Priests So Interested in Sex

Three very different couples want to get married at the same church. There is a very young couple, a middle-aged couple, and an elderly couple of over 70. All three couples meet with the priest of the church to discuss when and how they can get married.

“In order to get married in my church, I have one rule, you have to go one month without making love,” says the priest to the couples.

After one month all three couples return to the church to talk with the priest again. The priest starts with the young couple, and asks them;

“Did you make love in the last month after you came here first?”

“No, we haven’t, and it was very easy to our own surprise,” replies the young couple.

He then turned to the middle-aged couple “How about you?” He asks the couple.

“It was really hard Father, but we didn’t make love for the whole month, replies the middle-aged couple.

“And how about the two of you?” He then asks the elderly couple.

“I’m really sorry Father, but we just couldn’t make it till the end,” responds the old man.

“You couldn’t? Then please tell me why not,” says the priest.

“Well Father, my woman had a can of soup in her hand when she accidentally dropped it on the floor. And when she bent over to pick it up again, well, that’s when it happened Father.”

The priest, still a bit in shock, then tells them, “I’m sorry, but in that case, you’re not welcome in my church to get married.”

“We’re also not welcome in the supermarket anymore either,” says the old man

They Had A Lot Of Down Time On The Enterprise

Only In Israel

Where Did You Get Those Candles?

I’m Sure That’s What They Mean

How Else Can You Be Sure Your Spelling It Right?

And He Wore The Wrong Suit

Something All Kids Will Enjoy … For A Few Seconds At Least

That Would Be My Guess

But Were Still Not Going To Pay Them A Living Wage

Why Didn’t Anyone Think Of This Before