If Your Girlfriend Was Actually Crazy

Bumper Stickers

It’s as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
I Brake For No Apparent Reason.
When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS.
Sorry, I don’t date outside my species.
I may be fat, but you’re ugly – I can lose weight!
Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.
How Can I Miss You if You Won’t Go Away?
I like you, but I wouldn’t want to see you working with sub-atomic particles.
Stop repeat offenders. Don’t re-elect them!
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

C-Nile Virus Alert

TO: ALL EMPLOYEES

FROM: SYSTEM’S ADMINISTRATOR

SUBJECT: WARNING! C-NILE VIRUS… MUST READ:

Just learned about this from a reliable source. It seems that there is a computer virus out there called the “C-Nile Virus” that even the most advanced programs from Norton cannot take care of, so be warned. It appears to affect those of us who were born before 1958.

Symptoms of the C-Nile Virus:

1. Causes you to send the same E-mail twice.

2. Causes you to send blank E-mail.

3. Causes you to send E-mail to the wrong person.

4. Causes you to send E-mail back to the person who sent it to you.

5. Causes you to send E-mail to other listed persons who received the E-mail from the person who sent it to you.

6. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment.

7. Causes you to hit “SEND” before you’ve finished the

Interesting Insults

1. Hey, I remember you when you had only one stomach.
2. Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn’t have given you worse advice.
3. Let’s play horse. I’ll be the front end and you be yourself.
4. I’ll never forget the first time we met — although, I’ll keep trying.
5. You are not the worst person in the world, but until one worse comes along, you’ll do.
6. If I were as ugly as you are, I wouldn’t say hello, I’d say boo!
7. I feel sorry for you because you are so homely, but I feel even sorrier for other people because they have to look at you.
8. Yours is a prima facie case of ugliness. And your body is ugly, too.
9. I know one should judge a man by what he really is instead of by appearances, but you are REALLY ugly.
10. Don’t you need a license to be that ugly?
11. Moonlight becomes you — total darkness even more!
12. You should do some soul-searching. Maybe you’ll find one.
13. The overwhelming power of the sex drive was demonstrated by the fact that someone was willing to father you.
14. I hear you were born on April 2; a day too late!
15. I hope you never get a tetanus shot; maybe you’ll windup with lockjaw.
16. Do you want me to accept you as you are, or do you want me to like you?
17. You’re nobody’s fool. Let’s see if we can get someone to adopt you.
18. They say no woman ever made a fool out of you. So who did?
19. You’re very smart. You have brains you never used.
20. You’re not yourself today. I noticed the improvement immediately.

New Timesheet Codes

TO: ALL PERSONNEL
FROM: MANAGEMENT

It has come to our attention recently that many of you have been turning in timesheets that specify large amounts of “Miscellaneous Unproductive Time” (Code 5309). However, we need to know exactly what you are doing during your unproductive time.

Attached below is a sheet specifying a tentative extended job code list based on our observations of employee activities.

The list will allow you to specify with a fair amount of precision what you are doing during your unproductive time. Please begin using this job-code list immediately and let us know about any difficulties you encounter.

Thank you,
Management

Attached: Extended Job-Code List
Code and Explanation

5316 Useless Meeting
5318 Trying to Sound Knowledgeable While in Meeting
5319 Waiting for Break
5320 Waiting for Lunch
5321 Waiting for the End of your work day
5322 Gossiping with coworkers
5323 Gossiping about coworkers
5481 Buying Snack
5482 Eating Snack
5500 Filling Out Timesheet
5501 Inventing Timesheet Entries
5502 Waiting for Something to Happen
5503 Scratching Yourself
5504 Sleeping
5510 Feeling Bored
5600 Complaining About Lousy Job
5601 Complaining About Low Pay
5602 Complaining About Long Hours
5603 Complaining About coworkers
5604 Complaining About Boss
5605 Complaining About Personal Problems
5640 Miscellaneous Unproductive Complaining
5702 Suffering From Eight-Hour Flu
6102 Ordering Out Meals or Snacks
6103 Waiting for Food Delivery to Arrive
6104 Taking It Easy While Digesting Food
6200 Using Company Resources for Personal Profit
6201 Stealing Company Goods
6202 Making Excuses After Accidentally Destroying Company Goods
6203 Using Company Phone to Make Long-Distance Personal Calls
6204 Using Company Phone to Make Long-Distance Personal Calls to Sell Stolen Company Goods
6205 Hiding from Boss
6207 Planning a Social Event (e.g. vacation, wedding, etc.)
6210 Feeling Sorry For Yourself
6211 Updating Resume
6212 Faxing Resume to Another Employer/Headhunter
6213 Out of Office on Interview
6221 Pretending to Work While Boss Is Watching
6222 Pretending to Enjoy Your Job
6223 Pretending You Like Coworker
6224 Pretending You Like Important People When in Reality They are Jerks
6238 Miscellaneous Unproductive Fantasizing
6350 Playing Pranks on the New Guy/Girl
6601 Running your own Business on Company Time
6602 Complaining
6603 Writing a Book on Company Time
6611 Staring Into Space
6612 Staring At Computer Screen
6615 Transcendental Meditation
7281 Extended Visit to the Bathroom (at least 10 minutes)
7400 Talking With Divorce Lawyer on Phone
7401 Talking With Plumber on Phone
7402 Talking With Dentist on Phone
7403 Talking With Doctor on Phone
7404 Talking With Masseuse on Phone
7405 Talking With House Painter on Phone
7406 Talking With Personal Therapist on Phone
7419 Talking With Miscellaneous Paid Professional on Phone
7425 Talking With Mistress/Boy-Toy on Phone
7931 Asking Coworker to Aid You in an Illicit Activity
8000 Recreational Drug Use
8001 Non-recreational Drug Use
8002 Liquid Lunch
8100 Reading personal e-mails

Police Comebacks

“So, you don’t know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?”

“Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I’m warning you not to do that again or I’ll give you another ticket.”

“No sir, we don’t have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we’re allowed to write as many tickets as we want.”

“I’m glad to hear the chief of police is a good, personal friend of yours. At least you know someone who can post your bail.”

“Yes sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don’t think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?”

“The handcuffs are tight because they’re new. They’ll stretch out after you wear them awhile.”

The Stork Family

A father stork and baby stork are sitting in their nest one night, and the baby stork is crying and crying. Trying to calm him down, the father says, “Don’t cry, son. Mommy will be back soon. She’s only bringing people babies and making them happy.”

The following night, it’s the father’s turn to do the job. Mother and the baby stork are in their nest, the baby stork is crying, and the mother is trying to calm him. “Don’t cry, son,” she says, “your daddy will be back as soon as he can. Right now he’s bringing happiness to new mommies and daddies.”

A few days later, the baby stork’s parents are desperate: their son has been absent from the nest all night! Shortly before dawn, he finally returns.

“Where have you been?” the parent storks ask in unison.

“Nowhere. Just scaring the shit out of college students!” replies the baby stork with a grin.

A Woman’s Dictionary

• Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n. A discussion that occurs when you’re right, but he just hasn’t realized it yet.
• Airhead (er*hed) n. What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman.
• Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n. You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up, but, he, “made the dinner.”
• Blonde jokes (blond joks) n. Jokes that are short so men can understand them.
• Cantaloupe (kant*e*lope) n. Gotta get married in a church.
• Clothes dryer (kloze dri*yer) n. An appliance designed to eat socks.
• Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n. A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&Ms.
• Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n. The last two minutes of a football game.
• Exercise (ex*er*siz) v. To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.
• Grocery List (grow*ser*ee list) n. What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store.
• Hair Dresser (hare dres*er) n. Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again. See “Magician.”
• Hardware Store (hard*war stor) n. Similar to a black hole in space-if he goes in, he isn’t coming out anytime soon.
• Childbirth (child*brth) n. You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say “focus,…breath…push…”
• Lipstick (lip*stik) n. On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, coloring only a tramp would wear…!
• Park (park) v./n. Before children, a verb meaning, “to go somewhere and neck.” After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide.
• Patience (pa*shens) n. The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children. See also “tranquilizers.”
• Waterproof Mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n. Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it.
• Valentine’s Day (val*en*tinez dae) n. A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card

Definitions People In The Medical Profession Wish Were True

Artery — Study of paintings
Bacteria — Back door of cafeteria
Barium — What doctors do when treatment fails
Bowel — Letter like A.E.I.O.U
Caesarean section — District in Rome
Cat scan — Searching for kitty
Cauterize — Made eye contact with her
Colic — Sheep dog
Coma — A punctuation mark
Congenital — Friendly
D&C — Where Washington is
Diarrhea — Journal of daily events
Dilate — To live long
Enema — Not a friend
Fester — Quicker
Fibula — A small lie
G.I. Series — Soldiers’ ball game
Grippe — Suitcase
Hangnail — Coathook
Impotent — Distinguished, well known
Intense pain — Torture in a teepee
Labor pain — Got hurt at work
Medical staff — Doctor’s cane
Morbid — Higher offer
Nitrate — Cheaper than day rate
Node — Was aware of
Outpatient — Person who had fainted
Pelvis — Cousin of Elvis
Post operative — Letter carrier
Protein — Favoring young people
Rectum — It almost killed him
Recovery room — Place to do upholstery
Rheumatic — Amorous
Scar — Rolled tobacco leaf
Secretion — Hiding anything
Seizure — Roman emperor
Serology — Study of knighthood
Tablet — Small table
Terminal illness — Sickness at airport
Tibia — Country in North Africa
Tumor — An extra pair
Urine — Opposite of you’re out
Varicose — Located nearby
Vein — Conceited

Economics Textbooks

Things to do with a graduate Economics textbook

1. Press pretty flowers.
2. Press pretty insects.
3. Use it as paper weight on your already over cluttered desk.
4. Leave out in obvious places to impress uninformed undergraduates.
5. Mail to the White House as an intimidation tactic.
6. Give it a walk-on part in a boring European existentialist play.
7. Just throw the lousy thing away.
8. Leave out for the rain and other forces of nature to reckon with.
9. Read it, and weep.
10. Get a refund from bookstore so you can buy a weekend’s beer supply.

Signs You Made A Bad Choice For A Motel

1. The “complimentary” paper tells you that President Nixon has resigned.
2. The mint on the pillow starts moving when you come close to it.
3. Your room door still has the yellow “Police line do not cross” tape on it.
4. The pictures are not placed for decoration but to cover up recent bullet holes.
5. You have to wait until the guy next door is done with the towel so you can use it.
6. There’s a chalk outline in the bed when you pull back the covers.
7. The desk clerk has to move the body in order to get some ice for you.
8. Your wake up call comes courtesy of a police helicopter

To Hell With The Fire I’m On A Break!

Frogs Legs Anyone?

What’s A Safety Feature?

I Didn’t Know Planes Could Light A Fart

Then I’ll Buy You Two

Now Do You Remember Why He Left You?

Finally, A Cell Phone Old People Know How To Work

Good Advertising Costs A Lot

This Is Wrong On More Levels Then I Can Count

And Here I Thought It Was Just A Stick