Retarded Tests

Definitions Every Man Should Know

1) “Fine…I am right.” – This argument is over. You need to shut up.

2) “That’s Okay” – One of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. “That’s okay” means she wants to think hard and long before deciding when and how you’ll pay for your mistake.

3) “Nothing” – The calm before the storm. This means “Something” and you better be on your toes. Note: Arguments that start with “Nothing” usually end with “Fine” (See #1).

4) “Five Minutes” – If getting dress, this means half an hour. (Don’t be mad about this. It’s the same definition for you when it’s your turn to do some chores around the house.

5) “Thanks” – A woman is thanking you. Do not question this or faint. Just say, “You’re welcome,” and let it go.

6) “Loud Sigh” – Not actually a word but rather a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. It means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is standing here wasting her time arguing with you about “Nothing.” (See #3)

7) Go Ahead – This is a dare, not permission. (Don’t Do It!)

8) “Don’t worry about it, I got it” – The second most dangerous statement a woman can make. It means that a woman has asked a man several times to do something and is now doing it herself. (This will result in you asking at a later date, “What’s wrong?” For the woman’s response, see #3.)

Bumper Stickers

• A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
• I’m just driving this way to get you mad.
• Guns don’t kill people, husbands who come home early do.
• I said “no” to drugs, but they just wouldn’t listen.
• Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
• Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
• Earn cash in your spare time…blackmail friends.
• Fairy tales: horror stories for children to get them used to reality.
• Healthy is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

It’s A Clean Riddle I Swear!

Arnold Schwarzenegger has a big one.

Michael J. Fox has a small one.

Madonna doesn’t have one.

The Pope has one but doesn’t use it.

Clinton uses his all the time.

Mickey Mouse has an unusual one.

Liberace’ never used his on women.

Jerry Seinfeld is very, very proud of his.

Cher claims that she took on 3.

We never saw Lucy use Desi’s.

What is it? Answer below! (this is pretty good )

The answer is: “A Last Name.”

You Have A Very Dirty Mind!

Fun Things To Do At The Movies

1. Throw popcorn around and yell, “It’s snowing!!”
2. Laugh when the good guy dies
3. Start a conversation on your cell phone right when the movie starts
4. Point to the beginning credits and say, “That guy dies.”
5. Order pizza halfway through the movie
6. Sit between couples
7. Nonchalantly eat popcorn from other people’s containers
8. Announce loudly to everyone in the theater that you are going to the bathroom
9. Bring in your own food such as soup and SLURP loudly.
10. Wear tall hats to block other people’s view
11. Walk in as if you are a big shot while wearing the most outrageous outfit; spandex should do the trick

British Humor

The train was quite crowded and a U.S. Marine walked the entire length of the train looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed, middle aged French woman’s poodle.

The war-weary Marine asked, “Ma’am may I have that seat”?

The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular “Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat”.

The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog.

Please Ma’am, may I sit down, I’m very tired?

She snorted, “Not only are you Americans rude you are also arrogant”.

This time the Marine didn’t say a word, he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window and sat down.

The woman shrieked “Someone must defend my honor! This American should be put in his place!”

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up.
“Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing.”
“You hold your fork in the wrong hand.”
“You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road.”
“And now Sir you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window.”

Funniest Woody Allen Quotes

“Love is the answer… but while you’re waiting for the answer, s ex raises some pretty interesting questions.”

“If there is reincarnation, I’d like to come back as Pamela Andersons fingertips.”

“Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.”

“Sex alleviates tension. Love causes it.”

“I didn’t know he was dead… I thought he was British.”

“Eternity is a very long time, especially towards the end.”

“My brain? It’s my second favorite organ.”

“The government is unresponsive to the needs of the little man. Under 5′ 7″, it is impossible to get your congressman on the phone.”

“Life doesn’t imitate art, it imitates bad television.”

“I don’t know the question, but sex is definitely the answer.”

“Confidence is what you have before you understand the problem.”

“You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.”

“I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead — not sick, not wounded — dead.”

“Sex is only dirty if it’s done right.”

Marriage

Wife: “You always carry my photo in your wallet. Why?”
Hubby: “When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.”
Wife: “You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?”
Hubby: “Yes! I see your picture and ask myself, ‘what problem could be greater than this one?’”

Husband: “What are you doing?”
Wife: “Nothing.”
Husband: “Nothing? You’ve been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.”
Wife: “I was looking for the expiration date.”

A wife asked her husband, “What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?”
He looked at her from head to toe and replied, “I like your sense of humor.”

Boy: “When we get married, I want to share all your worries and troubles and lighten your burden.”
Girl: “It’s very kind of you, darling, but I don’t have any worries or troubles.”
Boy: “Well, that’s because we aren’t married yet.”

There are 2 times when a man doesn’t understand a woman: before marriage & after marriage.

After a lengthy conference with the estranged husband, the lawyer reported to his client.
“Mrs. Jokes, I have succeeded in making a settlement with your husband that is eminently fair to both of you.”
“Fair to both?!” exploded Mrs. Jones. “I could have done that myself. What do you think I hired a lawyer for?”

Once my divorce was final, I went to the local Department of Motor Vehicles and asked to have my maiden name reinstated on my driver’s license.
“Will there be any change of address?” the clerk inquired.
“No,” I replied.
“Oh, good,” she said, clearly delighted. “You got the house.”

Activity Based Costing

It has come to our attention recently that many of you have been turning in time sheets that specify large amounts of Miscellaneous Unproductive Time (code 5309). To our department, unproductive time is not a problem. What is a problem, however, is not knowing exactly what you are doing with your unproductive time.

The newly installed Activity Based Costing Financial System requires additional information to achieve its goals. Attached below is a sheet specifying a tentative extended job code list based on our observations of employee activities. The list will allow you to specify with better precision what you are doing during your unproductive time.

Please begin using this job code list immediately, and let us know about any difficulties you may encounter.

Extended Task Code List Code # Explanation
——————————————
5000 Surfing the Net
5001 Reading/Writing Social Email
5002 Sharing Social E-Mail (see codes #5003, #5004)
5003 Collecting Jokes and Other Humorous Material via E-Mail
5004 Forwarding Jokes and Other Humorous Material via E-Mail
5005 Faxing Jokes and Other Humorous Material to Friends not on E-Mail
5316 Meeting
5317 Obstructing Communications at Meeting
5318 Trying to sound knowledgeable while in Meeting
5319 Waiting for Break
5320 Waiting for Lunch
5321 Waiting for End of Day
5322 Vicious Verbal Attacks Directed at Coworker
5323 Vicious Verbal Attacks Directed at Coworker while Coworker Is Not Present
5393 Covering for Incompetence of Coworker Friend
5400 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who Is Not Interested in Learning
5401 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who is Stupid
5402 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who Hates Me
5481 Buying Snack
5482 Eating Snack
5500 Filling Out Time Sheet
5501 Inventing Time Sheet Entries
5502 Waiting for Something to Happen
5503 Scratching Myself
5504 Sleeping
5510 Feeling Bored
5600 Bitching about Lousy Job (see code #5610)
5601 Bitching about Low Pay (see code #5610)
5602 Bitching about Long Hours (see code #5610)
5603 Bitching about Coworker (see codes #5322, #5323)
5604 Bitching about Boss (see code #5610)
5605 Bitching about Personal Problems
5610 Searching for a New Job
5640 Miscellaneous Unproductive Bitching
5701 Not Actually Present at Job
5702 Suffering from Eight-Hour Flu
6102 Ordering Out
6103 Waiting for Food Delivery to Arrive
6104 Taking it Easy while Digesting Food
6200 Using Company Resources for Personal Profit
6201 Stealing Company Goods
6202 Making Excuses after Accidentally Destroying Company Goods
6203 Using Company Phone to Make Long-Distant Personal Calls
6206 Gossiping
6207 Planning a Social Event
6210 Feeling Sorry for Myself
6221 Pretending to Work While Boss is Watching
6222 Pretending to Enjoy My Job
6223 Pretending I Like My Coworkers
6224 Pretending I Like Important People When in Reality They Are Jerks
6238 Miscellaneous Unproductive Fantasizing
6601 Running my Own Business on Company Time (see code #6603)
6602 Complaining
6603 Writing a Book on Company Time
6604 Planning a Vacation on Company Time
6611 Staring Into Space
6612 Staring at Computer Screen
6615 Transcendental Meditation
7281 Extended Trip to the Bathroom (at least 10 min.)
7400 Talking with Divorce Lawyer on Phone
7401 Talking with Plumber on Phone
7402 Talking with Dentist on Phone
7403 Talking with Doctor on Phone
7404 Talking with Masseuse on Phone
7405 Talking with House Painter on Phone
7406 Talking with Personal Therapist on Phone
7419 Talking with Miscellaneous Paid Professional on Phone
7425 Talking with Mistress/Boy Toy on Phone (also see code #7400)
7931 Asking Coworker to Aid Me in an Illicit Activity
8000 Recreational Drug Use

Bad Menu Translations

Since many English speaking tourists travel around the world some restaurants have taken it among themselves to prepare English translations of their menus. The following are a few dishes that might have sold better if they kept the original names.

Cold shredded children and sea blubber in spicy sauce – China
Indonesian Nazi Goreng – Hong Kong
Muscles Of Marines/Lobster Thermos – Cairo
French fried ships – Cairo
Garlic Coffee – Europe
Sole Bonne Femme (Fish Landlady style) – Europe
Boiled Frogfish – Europe
Sweat from the trolley – Europe
Dreaded veal cutlet with potatoes in cream – China
Rainbow Trout, Fillet Streak, Popotoes, Chocolate Mouse – Hong Kong
Roasted duck let loose – Poland
Beef rashers beaten up in the country peoples fashion – Poland
Fried friendship – Nepal
Strawberry crap – Japan
Pork with fresh garbage – Vietnam
Toes with butter and jam – Bali
French Creeps – L.A.
Fried fishermen – Japan
Teppan Yaki – Before Your Cooked Right Eyes – Japan
Pepelea’s Meat Balls – Romania

Little Known Facts I Didn’t Need To Know

1. Barbie’s full name is Barbara Milicent Roberts.
2. It is impossible to lick your elbow.
3. A crocodile can’t stick its tongue out.
4. A shrimp’s heart is in their head.
5. People say “Bless you” when you sneeze because when you sneeze, you’re heart stops for a mili-second.
6. In a study of 200,000 ostriches over a period of 80 years, no one reported a single case where an ostrich buried its head in the sand (or attempted to do so).
7. It is physically impossible for pigs to look up into the sky.
8. A pregnant goldfish is called a twit.
9. Between 1937 and 1945 Heinz produced a version of Alphabet Spaghetti especially for the German market that consisted solely of little pasta swastikas.
10. By law, every child in Belgium must take harmonica lessons at Primary school.
11. On average, a human being will have sex more than 3,000 times and spend two weeks kissing in their lifetime.
12. More than 50% of the people in the world have never made or received a telephone call.
13. Rats and horses can’t vomit.
14. The “sixth sick sheik’s sixth sheep’s sick” is said to be the toughest tongue twister in the English language.
15. If you sneeze too hard, you can fracture a rib. If you try to suppress a sneeze, you can rupture a blood vessel in your head or neck and die.
16. Rats multiply so quickly that in 18 months, two rats could have over a million descendants.
17. Wearing headphones for just an hour will increase the bacteria in your ear by 700 times.
18. If the government has no knowledge of aliens, then why does Title 14, Section 1211 of the Code of Federal Regulations, implemented on July 16, 1969, make it illegal for U.S. citizens to have any contact with extraterrestrials or their vehicles?
19. In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere.
20. The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.
21. Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married.
22. A duck’s quack doesn’t echo anywhere, and no one knows why.
23. 23% of all photocopier faults worldwide are caused by people sitting on them and photocopying their buttocks.
24. In the course of an average lifetime you will, while sleeping, eat 70 assorted insects and 10 spiders.
25. Most lipstick contains fish scales.
26. Cat’s urine glows under a black light.
27. Like fingerprints, everyone’s tongue print is different.
28. If you keep your eyes open by force, they will pop out.

Well That’s One Way To Make Sure The Boys Get To School On Time

You Have The Right To Remain Dorky

And You Thought It Was Just A Movie

I Always Wondered What Part Of The Chicken Those Things Came From

Man I Wish These Guys Didn’t Have Oil

They Don’t Let Anyone In There Do They

Of Course I Drove Him To School Today Honey, Why Do You Ask?

Do You Really Think That’s Going To Help?

See Kids, This Is What Is Known As An Oxymoron. A Statement That Contradicts Itself

Burka My Ass!!!