The Cure For Being A Woman

Black Friday

Black Friday: A day Americans are willing to kill over materialistic things just a day after celebrating what they’re already thankful for.

I’ll be observing Black Friday in my conventional way…. by totally overlooking it.

I miss the good old days when Black Friday was actually on Friday.

Shoppers on Black Friday will block and tackle better than your football team on Thanksgiving.

Happy Thanksgiving to someone I’d have no problem stomping to death on Black Friday.

Hope you enjoyed Black-and-Blue Friday at Wal-Mart.

Let’s get our mind off America’s debt crisis by maxing out our credit cards on a reckless shopping binge.

I actually enjoy black Friday. It’s the one day I know exactly where all the nut jobs are and how to avoid them!

My condolences to anyone who has to work at a retail store on Thanksgiving,…or any other day of the year.

Black Friday, may the odds be forever in your favor.

Brace yourselves, the black Friday trampling videos are coming.

I hope your Black Friday injuries aren’t so severe that you can’t click a mouse on Cyber Monday.

I like Black Friday and Cyber Monday. It’s back-To-Work-So-I-Can-Pay-For-It-Tuesday that always get me down.

My version of Black Friday is deleting all the people in my phone who sent me a ‘mass Thanksgiving text.’

Let’s spend Thanksgiving spilling food on our clothes, and Black Friday buying new ones.

Black Friday is a scam. You should be mad they overcharge you 364 days a year.

Make sure the clothes you got on Black Friday take into account how fat you got on Thanksgiving.

What I Want In A Man

What I Want in a Man, Original List
1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises
10. An imaginative, romantic lover

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 32)
1. Nice looking (prefer hair on his head)
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
4. Listens more than talks
5. Laughs at my jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
10. Seeks romance at least once a week

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 42)
1. Not too ugly (bald head OK)
2. Doesn’t drive off until I’m in the car
3. Works steady – splurges on dinner out occasionally
4. Nods head when I’m talking
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves most weekends

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 52)
1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesn’t belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn’t borrow money too often
4. Doesn’t nod off to sleep when I’m venting
5. Doesn’t retell the same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers your name on occasion
10. Shaves some weekends

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 62)
1. Doesn’t scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn’t require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when asleep
5. Remembers why he’s laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears some clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers that it’s the weekend

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 72)
1. Breathing
2. Doesn’t miss the toilet

Performance Evaluation Translations

• Exceptionally well qualified: Has committed no major blunders to date.
• Expresses self well: Can string two sentences together.
• Gets along extremely well with superiors and subordinates alike: A coward.
• Happy: Paid too much.
• Hard worker: Usually does it the hard way.
• Identifies major management problems: Complains a lot.
• Indifferent to instruction: Knows more than superiors.
• Internationally know: Likes to go to conferences and trade shows in Las Vegas.
• Is well informed: Knows all office gossip and where all the skeletons are kept.
• Inspires the cooperation of others: Gets everyone else to do the work.
• Is unusually loyal: Wanted by no-one else.
• Judgment is usually sound: Lucky.
• Keen sense of humor: Knows lots of dirty jokes.
• Keeps informed on business issues: Subscribes to Playboy and National Enquirer.
• Listens well: Has no ideas of his own.
• Maintains a high degree of participation: Comes to work on time.
• Maintains professional attitude: A snob.
• Meticulous in attention to detail: A nitpicker.
• Mover and shaker: Favors steamroller tactics without regard for other opinions.
• Not a desk person: Did not go to college.
• Of great value to the organization: Turns in work on time.

Car Accident

A lawyer returns to his parked BMW to find the headlights broken and considerable damage to the hood. There’s no sign of the offending vehicle but he’s relieved to see that there’s a note stuck under the windshield wiper.

“Sorry. I just backed into your Beemer. The witnesses who saw the accident are nodding and smiling at me because they think I’m leaving my name, address and other particulars. But I’m not. Cya!”

What We Learned From Computers In The Movies

1. A hacker can get into the most sensitive computer in the world before intermission and guess the secret password in two tries.

2. Any PERMISSION DENIED has an OVERRIDE function. (See “Demolition Man” and countless others)

3. Complex calculations and loading of huge amounts of data will be accomplished in under three seconds. Movie modems transmit data at a speed of two gigabytes per second.

4. When the power plant/missile site/whatever overheats, all the control panels will explode, as will the entire building.

5. If you display a file on the screen and someone deletes the file, it also disappears from the screen. (e.g., “Clear and Present Danger”)

6. If a disk has got encrypted files, you are automatically asked for a password when you try to access it.

7. No matter what kind of computer disk it is, it’ll be readable by any system you put it into. All application software is usable by all computer platforms.

8. The more high-tech the equipment, the more buttons it has (“Aliens”). However, everyone must have been highly trained, because the buttons aren’t labeled.

9. Most computers, no matter how small, have reality-defying three-dimensional, real-time, photo-realistic animated graphics capability.

10. Laptops, for some strange reason, always seem to have amazing real-time video phone capabilities and the performance of a CRAY super computer.

11. Whenever a character looks at a screen, the image is so bright that it projects itself onto his/her face. (See “Alien”, “2001″)

Stephen Wright Jokes

I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone.

I saw a bank that said ’24 Hour Banking’, but I don’t have that much time.

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, ‘Hey, the sign says you’re open 24 hours.’ He said, ‘Yes, but not in a row.’

I invented the cordless extension cord.

I bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house.

Right now I’m having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.

It’s a small world, but I wouldn’t want to have to paint it.

A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, ‘Wish you were here.’

I have a full-size map of the world. At the bottom it says ’1 inch = 1 inch’. I hardly ever unroll it.

My friend has a baby. I’m recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone when I came back the entire area was missing.

There was a power outage at a department store yesterday; twenty people were trapped on the escalators.

I worked in a health food store once. A guy came in and asked me, ‘If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?’

When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I’m leaving.

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn’t park anywhere near the place.

How To Get On A Cops Bad Side

1. When he’s telling you what you did wrong, start repeating him, quietly.
2. Mumble to yourself.
3. When he tells you to stop, say what are you talking about, DUDE?
4. Drive to Dunkin Donuts and say hmmm….only 5 of you here tonight…….
5. When he comes to the car, say I have a badge just like yours!
6. Ask if he watches Cops.
7. Ask if ever watched Cop Rock.
8. Giggle if he did.
9. Talk to your hand.
10. When he asks to inspect your car, say there is no alcohol in my car, sir, the last cop got it.
11. Try to sell him your car.
12. Ask if you can buy his car.
13. If he takes you to the station, Ask to sit in front.
14. Play with the siren.
15. If there is someone else in the car, talk to each other in tongues.
16. When he acts confused, keep talking, look at him and laugh.
17. When you are in the back, touch his neck through the fencing.
18. Turn your head and whistle.
19. If he sticks you in the back of the car, cower in the corner, suck your thumb, and whine.
20. Stare at his lights and say “Look at the pretty colors!”
21. Ask if you can borrow his uniform for a Halloween party

The His Arm Is Not Himself Defense

A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense: “My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb.”

“Well put,” the judge replied. “Using your logic, I sentence the defendant’s arm to one year’s imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses.”

The defendant smiled. With his lawyer’s assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.

Things A Stressed Woman May Say At Work

• Well, this day was a total waste of make-up.
• Well, aren’t we a ray of sunshine?
• Don’t bother me; I’m living happily ever after.
• Do I look like a people person?
• I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left.
• Therapy is expensive. Popping bubble wrap is cheap. You choose.
• Why don’t you try practicing random acts of intelligence and senseless acts of self-control?
• I’m not crazy. I’ve been in a very bad mood for 30 years.
• Sarcasm is just one more service I offer.
• Do they ever shut up on your planet?
• Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize haven’t gone to sleep yet!
• Back off!! You’re standing in my aura.
• Don’t worry. I forgot your name too.
• I work 45 hours a week to be this poor.
• Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
• Wait. I’m trying to imagine you with a personality.
• Chaos, panic and disorder … my work here is done.
• You look like crap. Is that the style now?
• Look deeply into my eyes … Do you see one ounce of give-a-crap?

You Know You’re From Canada When…

1. You only know three spices: salt, pepper and ketchup.
2. You design your Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
3. The mosquitoes have landing lights.
4. You have more miles on your snow blower than your car.
5. You have 10 favorite recipes for moose meat.
6. Canadian Tire on any Saturday is busier than the toy stores at Christmas.
7. You live in a house that has no front step, yet the door is one meter above the ground.
8. You’ve taken your kids trick-or-treating in a blizzard.
9. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled in with snow.
10. You think sexy lingerie is tube-socks and a flannel nightie with only 8 buttons.
11. You owe more money on your snowmobile than your car.
12. The local paper covers national and international headlines on 2 pages, but requires 6 pages for hockey.
13. At least twice a year, the kitchen doubles as a meat processing plant.
14. The most effective mosquito repellent is a shotgun.
15. Your snow blower gets stuck on the roof.
16. You think the start of deer season is a national holiday.
17. You head south to go to your cottage.
18. You frequently clean grease off your barbecue so the bears won’t prowl on your deck.
19. You know which leaves make good toilet paper.
20. The major fund-raiser isn’t bingo it’s sausage making.
21. You find -40C a little chilly.
22. The trunk of your car doubles as a deep freeze.
23. You attend a formal event in your best clothes, your finest jewelry and your Sorrels.
24. You can play road hockey on skates.
25. You know 4 seasons: Winter, Still Winter, almost Winter and Construction.
26. The municipality buys a Zamboni before a bus.
27. You understand the Labatt Blue commercials.
28. You perk up when you hear the theme from “Hockey Night in Canada”.
29. You actually get these jokes and forward them to all your Canadian friends.
30. Americans keep telling you their moving in.

Get Out Of My Way Rent A Cop!

But Be A Lady About It

I Hate To Tell You This, But You Lost Your Water Skiers

Don’t Tell Me You Actually Thought You’d Be In Charge?

They Pretend To Pay Us And We Pretend To Work

To Hell With That! Give Me The Scotch And Cigars!

What, You Thought Super Hero’s Didn’t Have Day Jobs?

Dad I Told You I Sucked At This Game, Why Do You Still Make Me Play?

Why Spoil Her Fun?

And People Say You Can’t Learn Anything From Old People