What Holiday Shopping Looks Like From Inside A Guys Head

Black Friday Quotes

1. Black Friday: Because only in America, people trample others for sales exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have.
– Unknown

2. My version of Black Friday is deleting all the people in my phone who sent me a ‘mass Thanksgiving text.’
– Blake Griffin

3. Make sure the clothes you buy on Black Friday take into account how fat you got on Thanksgiving.
– Unknown

4. Let’s spend Thanksgiving spilling food on our clothes, and Black Friday buying new ones.
– Unknown

5. Black Friday sale. My house. You and I. All clothes will be 100% off.
– Kappit

6. What do Black Friday shoppers and the Thanksgiving turkey have in common? They know what it’s like to be jammed into a small place and stuffed.
– Humoropedia

7. Sorry shoppers on Black Friday will block and tackle better than your football team on Thanksgiving.
– Unknown

8. Here’s hoping Black Friday doesn’t turn into Black and Blue Sunday.
– SomeECards

9. Happy Thanksgiving to someone I’d have no problem stomping to death on Black Friday.
– Unknown

10. Black Friday is a scam. You should be mad they overcharge you 364 days a year.
– Unknown

Ways Black Friday is like Sex

• Being the first in line has its advantages
• Both are easily accessible, if you’re willing to put in the time
• You can do it in groups (or by yourself)
• You have to take a few rides sometimes to find what you’re looking for
• Some deals are better than others
• If you don’t get it wrapped, you’ll regret it later!
• You can do it at 12 a.m., 6 a.m., or even at 3 a.m.
• Both can be done online
• You work up quite an appetite afterwards
• You literally get more bang for your buck!
• You get what you pay for.
• If you’re new to the idea, you might be nervous, but all you have to do is get your feet wet to realize it’s not so scary.
• Most deals are cash only
• No discounts for bringing your own, um, shopping bag
• The shopping bags can’t be reused (eeewww)
• No coupons, dammit
• An underage “sales clerk” could mean big trouble
• You won’t be offered coffee and doughnuts
• Finishing early is NOT a plus
• The ads for it are even more misleading than Black Friday ones
Finally, the No. 1 reason sex is different than Black Friday:
• The women generally wind up more satisfied than the men.

Big Mistake

A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened.

“Well, it was like this,” said the man. “I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a pasture of cows. We went to look for them, and while I was rooting around, noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife’s monogram on it– stuck right in the middle of the cow’s butt.” “That’s when I made my big mistake.” “What did you do?” asks the doctor.

“Well, I lifted the cow’s tail again and yelled to my wife, “Hey, this looks like yours!” “I don’t remember much after that!”

Things That Sound Dirty At The Office But Aren’t

• I need you to whip it out by 5:00!
• Mind if I use your laptop?
• Put this in my box before you leave.
• I want it on my desk now!
• Hmm. I think I’m out of fluid.
• My equipment’s so old, it takes forever to finish!
• It’s an entry level position.
• When do you think you’ll be getting off today?
• It’s not fair… I do all the work while he just sits back!

Good Sportsmanship

At one point during a game, the coach said to one of his young players, “Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?” The little boy nodded yes.

“Do you understand that what matters is whether we win together as a team?” The little boy nodded yes.

“So,” the coach continued, “when a strike is called, or you are out at first, you don’t argue or curse or attack the umpire. Do you understand all that?” Again, the boy nodded yes.

“Good,” said the coach. “Now go over there and explain it to your mother.”

10 Signs Your Amish Teen’s In Trouble

10. Sometimes stays in bed till after 6 am.
9. In his sock drawer, you find pictures of women without bonnets.
8. Shows up at barn raisings in full “Kiss” makeup.
7. When you criticize him, he yells, “Thou sucketh!”
6. His name is Jebediah, but he goes by “Jeb Daddy.”
5. Defiantly says, “If I had a radio, I’d listen to disco!.”
4. You come upon his secret stash of colorful socks.
3. Uses slang expression: “Talk to the hand, cause the beard ain’t listening.”
2. Was recently pulled over for “driving under the influence of cottage cheese.”
1. He’s wearing his big black hat backwards.

Why Are Doctors Into Holes

Once I was sick and I had to go to an ear, nose, and throat man to get well.

There are ear doctors, nose doctors, throat doctors, gynecologists, proctologists, any place you got a hole, there’s a guy who specializes in your hole.

They make an entire career out of that hole. And if the ear doctor, nose doctor, throat doctor, gynecologist, or proctologist can’t help you, he sends you to a surgeon. Why?

So he can make a new hole!

Comebacks To Pick Up Lines

Man: Haven’t I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that’s why I don’t go there anymore.

Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I’ll go to mine.

Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I’m a female impersonator.

Man: Hey baby, what’s your sign?
Woman: Do not enter.

Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized.

Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.

Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: But would you stay there?

Jokes From The Professionals

I’ve often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can’t get my wife to go swimming! – Henny Youngman

An escalator can never break; it can only become stairs. You would never see an “Escalator temporarily out of order” sign, just “Escalator temporarily stairs. Sorry for the convenience.”-Mitch Hedberg

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?-George Carlin

My HMO is terrible. They charged me for a self breast exam. It’s a flat fee.-Wendy Liebman

The IRS announced that obese Americans are entitled to certain tax breaks. Apparently, under the new rules, you’re allowed to claim two or more chins as dependents. – Conan O’Brien

I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.-Mitch Hedberg

Do you ever get the vuja day feeling? Not deja vu. This is vuja day: the strange feeling that none of this has ever happened before-George Carlin

I never actually grasped the whole “Trick or treat” ultimatum. Giving candy to grateful, adorable children or receiving a bag of flaming animal excrement on your doorstep-is this a choice? – Jerry Seinfeld

How To Look Busy

Generally, this will not be a concern until you are promoted to an executive position. But once you’ve created the illusion that you serve even the slightest purpose at your place of “business,” there’s no telling how far you’ll go. In the real working world, productivity is all a matter of appearances.

Appearance: You are furiously taking notes while on an important telephone call.
Reality: You are pretending to take notes while talking to your friend who has called collect from Bulgaria.

Appearance: You are on the phone with a client in New York and you have said, “Yes sirree! That stock is about to shoot through the roof, now’s a great time to buy, I tell ya!”
Reality: You are on the phone with a friend in Guam and you have said, “Yeah, this job is terrible, and my boss is such a pushy whining… Yes sirree! That stock is about to shoot through the roof, now’s a great time to buy, I tell ya!”

Appearance: You are at your computer writing a serious business memorandum to your department supervisor.
Reality: You are at your computer telling dead-baby jokes to your e-mail correspondent in Namibia.

Appearance: You are urgently plugging numbers into a complicated spreadsheet.
Reality: You are playing Tetris.

Appearance: You are tapping away on calculator keys, helping out the accounting department.
Reality: You are paying your electric bill.

Appearance: You are reading a computer manual.
Reality: You are reading the TV guide you placed in the computer manual.

Appearance: You are staring at an empty computer screen, absorbed in deep thought.
Reality: You have pressed “Escape” just in time, erasing a MacDraw portrait entitled “Supervisor with Pitchfork Wound Clinging to a Cliff”

Unless Were At The Same Store In Which Case Screw You!

Common Guys That Not Even Funny! Yes It Is!

I’m Fired Aren’t I

But I Don’t Even Know Her!

Warning: Don’t Be An Idiot Translates Into Any Language

Don’t Worry, The Blood Stains Will Come Out

Also Good For Wives And Kids Who Just Won’t Shut Up!

Mommy , I Know What I Want For My Birthday!!!

On Behalf Of Ever Everyone At Walmart I’d Just Like To Say, No Your Not Sexy And Please Go Home Now!

I’ll Be Damn There Really Is Justice!