So that’s how they go so successful

Tim Hawkins – Things You Don’t Say To Your Wife

The Technical Term For A Trump Follower

And no they’re Not going away

“Amathia” is a Greek term that roughly means “intelligent stupidity.” This concept is used to explain why otherwise intelligent people believe and do stupid or evil things. “It is not an inability to understand but in a refusal to understand.”

Employment Ads

And what they really mean.

1. Advancement Opportunity – Shit job
2. Entry Level – Really a shit job
3. No Experience Necessary – The mother of all shit jobs
4. Administrative Assistant – Shit job with a title
5. Ground Floor Opportunity – Shit job with a company that will file bankruptcy within a year
6. Progressive Company – Employees get to wear jeans every other Friday
7. Team Player – Must deal with dangerously territorial co-workers with rabid personalities
8. Upbeat Personalities – Must neither threaten us with any kind of lawsuit nor use the drug/alcohol rehab benefit within the first year
9. Word Processing Skills Essential – There is a crippling case of carpal tunnel syndrome in your future
10. Public Relations Receptionist, Professional Appearance Important – $20K a year job that requires a $100K a year wardrobe
11. Pleasant Telephone Manner – Be the voice of 1-900-SEX-SUCK
12. Earn Up To $300/Hour – Be 1-900-SEX-SUCK
13. Salary Range $24K to $32K – The Salary is $24K
14. BA Required, MA Preferred – Must be a MA willing to work for a BA salary

The Mexican Maid Asked For A Pay Increase

The wife was very upset about this, and decided to talk to her about the raise.
She asked: “Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?”
Maria: “Well, Señora, there are tree reasons why I wanna increaze. The first is that I iron better than you.”
Wife: “Who said you iron better than me?”
Maria: “Jor huzban he say so.”
Wife: “Oh yeah?”
Maria: “The second reason eez that I am a better cook than you.”
Wife: “Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?”
Maria: “Jor hozban did.”
Wife, increasingly agitated: “Oh he did, did he?”
Maria: “The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in the bed.”
Wife, really boiling now and through gritted teeth.
Wife: “And did my husband say that as well?”
Maria: “No Señora….the gardener did.”
Wife: “So, how much do you want?”

The Best Smart Ass Answers Of The Year

SMART ASS ANSWER #6
It was mealtime during an airline flight.
‘Would you like dinner?’, the flight attendant asked John, seated in front.
‘What are my choices?’ John asked.
‘Yes or no,’ she replied.

SMART ASS ANSWER #5
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.
Without missing a beat, she said, ‘Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub.’

SMART ASS ANSWER #4
A woman was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn’t find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, ‘ Do these turkeys get any bigger?’
The stock boy replied, ‘No ma’am, they’re dead…’

SMART ASS ANSWER #3
A police officer got out of his car as the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. ‘I’ve been waiting for you all day,’ the officer said.
The kid replied, ‘Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.’
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

SMART ASS ANSWER #2
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway and noticed a sign that read: ‘Low Bridge Ahead’. Before he knew it, the bridge was right in front of him and his truck got wedged under it. Cars were backed up for miles. Finally a police car came up. The cop got out of his car and walked to the truck driver, put his hands on his hips and said, ‘Got stuck, huh?’
The truck driver said, ‘No, I was delivering this bridge and I ran out of gas.’

SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow’s final exam. ‘Now class, I won’t tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that’s it, no other excuses whatsoever!’
A smart-ass student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, ‘What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?’
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head, and sweetly said, ‘Well, I guess you’d have to write the exam with your other hand.’

A BONUS EXTRA
A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, ‘I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly… I really need you to pay me a compliment.’
The husband replies, ‘Your eyesight’s damn near perfect’.

A Fashion Statement

A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring. This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in “fashion sense.”

The man walks up to him and says, “I didn’t know you were into earrings.”

“Don’t make such a big deal, it’s only an earring,” he replies sheepishly.

“So, really? How long have you been wearing one?”

“Ever since my wife found it in our bed.”

Five Rules For Men To Follow For A Happy Life

1. It’s important to have a woman who helps at home, cooks from time to time, cleans up, and has a job.

2. It’s important to have a woman who can make you laugh.

3. It’s important to have a woman who you can trust, and doesn’t lie to you.

4. It’s important to have a woman who is good in bed, and likes to be with you.

5. It’s very, very important that these four women do not know each other.

Stress Management

Just in case you are having a rough day, here is a stress management technique recommended in many of the latest psychological journals.
The funny thing is that it really does work.

1. Picture yourself lying on your tummy on a warm rock that hangs out over a crystal clear stream.

2. Picture yourself with both your hands dangling in the cool running water.

3. Birds are sweetly singing in the cool mountain air.

4. No one knows your secret place.

5. You are in total seclusion from that hectic place called the world.

6. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.

7. The water is so crystal clear that you can easily make out the face of the person you are holding under the water.

There — See? — It really does work.
You’re smiling already!

Things I Learned Living In The South

• A possum is a flat animal that sleeps in the middle of the road.
• There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 of them live in the South.
• There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 of them live in the South, plus a couple no one’s seen before.
• If it grows, it’ll stick ya. If it crawls, it’ll bite cha.
• Onced and Twiced are words.
• It is not a shopping cart, it is a buggy!
• Jawl-P? means, Did you go to the bathroom?
• People actually grow, eat, and like okra.
• Fixinto is one word. It means I’m going to do that.
• There is no such thing as lunch. There is only dinner and then there’s supper.
• Iced tea is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it when you’re two. We do like a little tea with our sugar. It is referred to as the Wine of the South.
• Backwards and forwards means I know everything about you.
• The word jeet is actually a question meaning, ‘Did you eat?’
• You don’t have to wear a watch, because it doesn’t matter what time it is, you work until you’re done or it’s too dark to see.
• You don’t PUSH buttons, you MASH em.
• Ya’ll is singular. All ya’ll is plural.
• All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, insect, or animal.
• You carry jumper cables in your car – for your OWN car.
• You only own five spices: salt, pepper, mustard, Tabasco and ketchup.
• The local papers cover national and international news on one page, but require 6 pages for local high school sports, the motor sports, and gossip.
• You think that the first day of deer season is a national holiday.
• You know what a hissy fit is.
• Fried catfish is the other white meat.
• We don’t need no dang Driver’s Ed. If our mama says we can drive, we can drive!!!
• You understand these jokes and forward them to your Southern friends and those who just wish they were from the SOUTH.

If I Lean A Little, Let Me!

The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place.

Grandma couldn’t speak very well, but she would write notes when she needed to communicate.

After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right side.
A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left side.
Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her, and then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.

A nephew who arrived late came up to Grandma and said…..
‘Hi, Grandma, you’re looking good! How are they treating you?’
Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew……

‘Bastards won’t let me fart’.

How To Know When A Women Is Stressed

1. Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven’t gone to
sleep yet.
2. Back off!! You’re standing in my aura.
3. Don’t worry. I forgot your name too.
4. I work 45 hours a week to be this poor.
5. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
6. Wait…I’m trying to imagine you with a personality.
7. Chaos, panic and disorder … my work here is done.
8. Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.
9. You look like shit. Is that the style now?
10. Earth is full. Go home.
11. Aw, did I step on your poor little bitty ego?
12. I’m not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
13. A hard-on doesn’t count as personal growth.
14. You are depriving some village of an idiot.
15. If assholes could fly, this place would be an airport.

Turkey, Duck, What’s The Difference?

He Just Saw Fox News

I Can See The View Very Fine From Back Here Thank You

Talk About A Full Service Operation!

Are You Kidding, I Still Have My Fat Jeans

Dude I Promise I’m Not Hiding The Ball!

You Can’t Make This Stuff Up

Id Better Be Getting Hazard Pay For This

Finally, Their Being Honest

Respecting The MAGA’s