The Lion’s Cage – Charlie Chaplin

Children’s Books Not Recommended By The National Library Association

1. The Little Engine that Could Becomes intoxicated and Kills Civilians.
2. Bob the Germ’s Wondrous Journey Into and Back Out of Your Digestive System.
3. Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer’s Games of Revenge.
4. Peter Rabbit’s Frisky Adventures.
5. Dick, Jane, and Spot Wander into The ‘Hood’.
6. Clifford the Big Red Dog Accidentally Eats his Masters and is Put to Sleep.
7. Valuable Protein and Other Nutritional Benefits of Things from your Nose.
8. The Hardy Boys, the Barbie Twins, and the Vice Squad.
9. The Tickling Babysitter
10. A Pictorial History of Circus Geek Suicides.
11. Charles Manson Bedtime Stories.
12. Daddy Loses His Job and Finds the Bottle.
13. Babar Meets the Taxidermist and Becomes a Piano.
14. Controlling the playground: Respect through Fear.
15. David Duke’s World of Imagination.
16. Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence.
17. The Boy Who Died from Eating All His Vegetables.
18. Legends of Scab Football.

Complete vs Finished

COMPLETE and FINISHED No English dictionary has been able to explain the difference between the two words COMPLETE and FINISHED, in a way that’s easy to understand. Some people say there is no difference between COMPLETE & FINISHED. I beg to differ because there is. When you marry the right woman, you are “COMPLETE”.

And when you marry the wrong one, you are “FINISHED”!

And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are…
“COMPLETELY FINISHED”!!

I hope this explains it simply and to the point

Actual Analogies Used By High School Students In English Essays

1. When she tried to sing, it sounded like a walrus giving birth to farm equipment.
2. Her eyes twinkled, like the mustache of a man with a cold.
3. She was like a magnet: Attractive from the back, repulsive from the front.
4. The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
5. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room temperature Canadian beef.
6. She had him like a toenail stuck in a shag carpet.
7. The lamp just sat there, like an inanimate object.

A Reference Guide For Weekend Fun

1. ECSTASY
How you think you behave: Like the beautiful, caring, wonderful person you really are.
How you actually behave: Like the creepy kid at school who always sucked up to the teacher. Those revolting sweaty hugs you inflict upon anyone you meet are disgusting.
Likelihood of getting laid: 30%. Sex is not important. It’s all about the “vibe.”
How you feel in the morning: Like you should have gone for the sex.
Embarrassment rating: 6/10 Ecstasy makes you say nice things to people that you don’t like. This can be very embarrassing, particularly if people believe what you say. Be careful who you give your phone number to. They just might call.

2. MARIJUANA
How you think you behave: You’re not sure, but you think people could be laughing at you.
How you actually behave: Like someone just hit you over the head with an 800KG fridge freezer combination.
Likelihood of getting laid: 60%. If you spend enough time on the couch, anything can happen.
How you feel in the morning: Like another joint. And the rest of that pizza.
Embarrassment rating: 1/10. You are moving so slowly that it’s almost impossible to do anything stupid.

3. ALCOHOL
How you think you behave: Like the life of the party. You are sexy, funny and everybody likes you.
How you actually behave: Like the death of the party. Your behavior gets progressively worse as you tell more and more crass jokes, insult the bartender, spill your drink and make a pass at your best friend’s date.
Likelihood of getting laid: 90%. Your sexual standards drop dramatically with each consecutive drink. If surrounded by others whose standards are also lowered, then your chances are pretty good.
How you feel in the morning: Who did I insult? Where is my car? Why did I sleep with someone from the office? I’ve never felt this bad before. This is absolutely the last time.
Embarrassment rating: 11/10. Not only are you stupid, you are sloppy. Everyone recognizes this, except you.

4. COCAINE
How you think you behave: You are smart, irresistible and want to “do lunch” with everyone.
How you actually behave: Like an annoying know-it-all who would sell his soul for the next line of blow.
Likelihood of getting laid: 80% It may be a Jedi Mind Trick, but when you sincerely believe you are so irresistible, some clueless and insecure type may actually fall for it
How you feel in the morning: Like the ape man.
Embarrassment rating: 0/10 if there’s more coke in the drawer. 9/10 if there isn’t.

5. ACID or SHROOMS
How you think you behave: You are not behaving, but the world around you is putting on a pretty good show.
How you actually behave: In reality, it is you putting on the show. The rest of the world is behaving the same as ever.
Likelihood of getting laid: 20% Even if you actually manage to get through the process of selecting a mate, removing your clothes and choosing a sexual position, you will then have to deal with the challenge of your partner changing into a furry animal/the devil/your mother.
How you feel in the morning: Either you are climbing the walls wishing that God would put an end to your suffering, or you finally understand Huxley’s “The Doors of Perception.”
Embarrassment rating: 0/10 You either sat on the couch and laughed at the TV all night even if it was turned off). Or you climbed onto a building, tried to fly and died.

Even More Facts Of Life…

Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes.
There’s too much fraternizing with the enemy.

There’s a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore like an idiot.

Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in?
I think that’s how dogs spend their lives.

Don’t worry about the world ending today…
It’s already tomorrow in Australia. (unless you’re in Australia…then start worrying)

Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend.
Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.

Character is what you are.
Reputation is what people think you are.

Drive carefully, It’s not only cars that can be recalled by their maker.

A loser is a window washer on the 44th floor who steps back to admire his work.

A man usually feels better after a few winks, especially if she winks back.

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.

There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

A man who says marriage is a 50-50 proposition doesn’t understand two things:
1 – Women, 2 – Fractions.

Men Do Remember

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him.

He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

‘What’s the matter, dear?’ she whispers as she steps into the room, ‘Why are you down here at this time of night?

The husband looks up from his coffee, ‘It’s the 20th Anniversary of the day we met’.

She can’t believe he has remembered and starts to tear up.

The husband continues, ‘Do you remember 20 years ago when we started dating? I was 18 and you were only 16,’ he says solemnly.

Once again, the wife is touched to tears. ‘Yes, I do’ she replies.

The husband pauses the words were not coming easily.

‘Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?’

‘Yes, I remember’ said the wife, lowering herself into the chair beside him.

The husband continued. ‘Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, “Either you marry my daughter or I will send you to prison for 20 years?’

‘I remember that, too’ she replied softly.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said “I would have gotten out today.”

Oh Boy…More Warning Signs!

On a cardboard windshield sun shade: “Warning: Do Not Drive With Sun Shield in Place” (why…a duh!)

On an infant’s bathtub: “Do not throw baby out with bath water.” (ah-ha! So that’s what happened to my little sister!)

On a Magic 8 Ball: “Not advised for use as a home pregnancy test.” (oh sure…now they tell me!)

On a roll of Life Savers: “Not for use as a flotation device.” (aye matey…but the sharks love ‘em!)

On a disposable razor: “Do not use this product during an earthquake.” (Well duh!!)

On a handgun: “Not recommended for use as a nutcracker.” (It should say “Warning: Do not use on yourself, or anyone else.”)

On pantyhose: “Not to be used in the commission of a felony.” (Well that’s just great…now what do I use!)

On a palm sander: “Not to be used to sand palms.” (If their that dumb how did they plug it in?)

On a blender: “Not for use as an aquarium.” (he-he…I gotta try this one!)

On syrup of ipecac (a medicine that causes vomiting): “Caution: May cause vomiting.”

On a revolving door: “Passenger compartments for individual use only.” (But the fun happens when there’s two or more!)

On children’s alphabet blocks: “Letters may not be used to construct words, phrases and sentences that may be deemed offensive.” (Hmmm…I think I’ll test this one out on my nephews)

Three Nuns Quitting

Three nuns decided to quit so they went to the Mother Superior and said, “We don’t want to be nuns anymore, how do we quit?”

The mother told them, “Do something unholy and come back here in 24 hours.”

So the nuns left thinking, “What can I do that’s unholy?”

The next day they went to the mother one at a time.

The mother said to the first nun, “What unholy thing did you do?”

The nun replied, “I stole a kid’s bike.”

The mother said, “I guess that will do, go drink some holy water.”

When the nun did she wasn’t a nun anymore and she left the convent.

The second nun walked in and the mother said, “What unholy thing did you do?”

The nun replied, “I slept with a married man!”

The mother said, “Well, that’s sinning. Go drink holy water.”

The third nun walked in and the mother said, “What unholy thing did you do?”

The third nun said proudly, “I pissed in the holy water!”

Things To Think About

• What if my dog only brings back the ball because he thinks I like throwing it?
• If poison is past its expiry date, is it more poisonous or is it no longer poisonous?
• Which letter is silent in the word “scent”, the S or the C?
• Do twins ever realize that one of them is unplanned?
• Why is the letter W, in English, called “double u”? Shouldn’t it be called “double v”?
• Maybe oxygen is slowly killing you and it just takes 75-100 years to fully work.
• Every time you clean something, you just make something else dirty.
• The word “swims” upside-down is still “swims”.
• Intentionally losing a game of rock, paper, scissors, is just as hard as trying to win.

You Do The Math

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

OFFICE ARITHMETIC
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

SHOPPING MATH
A man will pay $20 for a $10 item he needs.
A woman will pay $10 for a $20 item that she doesn’t need.

GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

LONGEVITY
Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, and she does.

Helpful Hints From A Master Gardener

Should Be On Every Door

Gotta Love Cookie Monster!

I Wonder Why They Don’t Sell Those Any More?

This Was Just An Elaborate Joke Right?

I Love You Too Honey

Well I Know What I Want For My Birthday

Read The Whole Sign. If You Don’t Get It Your Too Young

I Have No Idea What This Feels Like

The Future Of Call Waiting