A Song For All the Jokes That Didn’t Age Well

How Do You Know If You’re In Love, In Lust, Or Really Married?

LOVE – When your eyes meet across a crowded room.
LUST – When your tongues meet across a crowded room.
MARRIAGE – When you lose your child in crowded room.

LOVE – When intercourse is called “making love.”
LUST – When intercourse is called “screwing.”
MARRIAGE – What the hell are you talking about?

LOVE – When you argue over how many children to have.
LUST – When you argue over who gets the wet spot.
MARRIAGE – When you argue over money.

LOVE – When you share everything you own.
LUST – When you steal everything they own.
MARRIAGE – When the bank owns everything.

LOVE – When it doesn’t matter if you don’t climax.
LUST – When the relationship is over if you don’t climax.
MARRIAGE – What’s a climax?

LOVE – When you phone each other just to say, “Hi.”
LUST – When you phone each other to pick a hotel room.
MARRIAGE – When you phone each other to bitch.

LOVE – When you write poems about your partner.
LUST – When all you write is your phone number.
MARRIAGE – When all you write is checks.

LOVE – When you show concern for your partner’s feelings.
LUST – When you couldn’t give a shit.
MARRIAGE – When your only concern is what’s on TV.

LOVE – When your farewell is “I love you, darling…”
LUST – When your farewell is “So, same time next week…”
MARRIAGE – When your farewell is a relief.

LOVE – When you are proud to be seen in public with your partner.
LUST – When you only see each other naked.
MARRIAGE – When you never see each other awake.

LOVE – When your heart flutters every time you see them.
LUST – When your groin twitches every time you see them.
MARRIAGE – When your wallet empties every time you see them.

LOVE – When nobody else matters.
LUST – When nobody else knows.
MARRIAGE – When everybody else matters and you don’t care who knows.

LOVE – When all the songs on the radio describe exactly how you feel.
LUST – When the song on the radio determines how you do it.
MARRIAGE – When you listen to talk radio.

LOVE – When breaking up is something you try not to think about.
LUST – When staying together is something you try not to think about.
MARRIAGE – When just getting through today is your only thought.

LOVE – When you’re only interested in doing things with your partner.
LUST – When you’re only interested in doing things TO your partner.
MARRIAGE – When you’re only interested in your golf score.

A Schoolteacher Gets A Traffic Ticket

When asked for her occupation, a woman charged with a traffic violation said she was a schoolteacher. The judge rose from the bench. “Madam, I have waited years for a schoolteacher to appear before this court,” he smiled with delight. “Now sit down at that table and write ‘I will not pass through a red light’ five hundred times.”

Rejected State Mottos

ALABAMA: Literacy Ain’t Everything
ARKANSAS: At Least We’re not Oklahoma
CALIFORNIA: Se Habla Ingles
CONNECTICUT: New York City’s OTHER Suburb
FLORIDA: The Gunshine State
IDAHO: Famous Potatoes … and Neo-Nazis
ILLINOIS: Gateway to Iowa
INDIANA: Home of Dan Quayle
KANSAS: Don’t Blame Us, We Voted For Dole
KENTUCKY: Tobacco is a Vegetable
MAINE: For Sale
MARYLAND: We’re Better Than Virginia, Damn It!
MINNESOTA: Land of 7,000 lakes and 3,000 man-made ponds
MONTANA: Land of the Big Sky, and Very Little Else
NEW JERSEY: The Garbage State
NEW MEXICO: Lizards Make Excellent Pets
NEW YORK: You Have the Right to Remain Silent, You Have the Right to a Publicly-Paid-For Attorney
NORTH CAROLINA: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names
OHIO: Don’t Judge us by Cleveland
OREGON: Jerry Garcia was here!
PENNSYLVANIA: Cook with Coal
SOUTH DAKOTA: Closer than North Dakota
TENNESSEE: The Educashun State
TEXAS: Don’t Mess with Texas-We’re Armed
UTAH: Our Jesus is Better Than Your Jesus
VIRGINIA: We’re Better Than Maryland, Damn It!
WASHINGTON: Keep Washington Green, Grow Hemp
and last but not least…
LOUISIANA: “Thank God for Mississippi!”
(An actual quote taken from a Louisiana legislator when told that Louisiana ranked 49th in several statistical categories.)

Cooking With Wooden Spoons

One day during cooking class, our teacher, Mrs. Pritchard, was extolling her secrets for preparing perfect sauces. When she ordered us to the stoves to prepare our assignments, she said, “Don’t forget to use wooden spoons.” As I stirred my sauce, I contemplated the physics behind the mystery of the wooden spoon and decided it must have something to do with heat conduction. I approached Mrs. Pritchard about my theory.

“Why wooden spoons?” I asked.

“Because,” she replied, “if I have to sit here listening to all your metal spoons banging against metal pots, I’ll go nuts!”

10 Ways To Tell If You Have PMS

1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
2. You’re adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet.
3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
5. You’re using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says, “How’s my driving-call 1-800-***-****
6. Everyone’s head looks like an invitation to batting practice.
7. You’re convinced there’s a God and he’s male.
8. You’re counting down the days until menopause.
9. You’re sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
10. The Ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.

Mary’s Boyfriend Has a Fantasy

Mary: “My last boyfriend said he fantasized about having two girls at once.”

Jill: “Yeah, most men do. What did you tell him?”

Mary: “I said, ‘If you can’t satisfy one woman, why would you want to piss off two?’”

Subtle Insults

• “I really thought you was gonna be somebody.”
• “I don’t get why other people don’t like you.”
• Just tack on the phrase “given your history” to any question you ask someone
    o “Are you sure you want another drink? Given your history?”
    o “Do you mind driving? Given your history?”
• Go up to someone at a party and say: “I just want you to know that personally, I have no problem with you being here.”
• If you are chatting with someone and another person walks up look at them and say “I just want you to know that I was defending you” then turn and walk off.
• “I heard about you.”
• “We know, but don’t worry, we’ll keep it a secret.”
• “Good to see you’re looking better.”
• “April 21st 2026, stay at home.”
• “It’s so cool you don’t care about what others think.”
• “Oh, I’m sorry man…”
    o “Huh? Why?”
    o “Oh.. uh.. you’ll see”
• “You don’t seem as paranoid as people say you are.”
• “I’m gonna miss you.”
• Look at their outfit and say “wow, you’re braver than me.”
• Just look at them say – “Huh, weird”. Then shake your head and walk off.
• Say “Why the hell would you say that” out of nowhere and refuse to elaborate.
• “Why are you crying? Is it because of your hair?”
• Just call them by a wrong name, even if you do actually know the person.
• “You really need to brush your teeth.”
• Tell them, “You could get the 4th best looking girl at any party.”
• “We thought we lost you in the fire.”
• “Good luck” and walk away. Don’t elaborate or entertain a conversation about it.
• “Your fly’s down.”

The Cowboy Ventriloquist And The Rancher

A ventriloquist cowboy walked into town and saw a rancher sitting on his porch with his dog:

Cowboy: “Hey, cool dog. Mind if I speak to him?”
Rancher: “This dog don`t talk!”
Cowboy: “Hey dog, how`s it going?”
Dog: “Doin alright”
Rancher: (Extreme look of shock)
Cowboy: “Is this your owner? (pointing at rancher)”
Dog: “Yep.”
Cowboy: “How`s he treat you?”
Dog: “Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play.”
Rancher: (Look of disbelief)
Cowboy: “Mind if I talk to your horse?”
Rancher: “Horses don`t talk!”
Cowboy: “Hey horse, how`s it goin?”
Horse: “Cool.”
Rancher: (an even wilder look of shock)
Cowboy: “Is this your owner?” (pointing at rancher)
Horse: “Yep.”
Cowboy: “How`s he treat you?”
Horse: “Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements.”
Rancher: (total look of amazement)
Cowboy: “Mind if I talk to your SHEEP?”
Rancher: (stuttering, and hardly able to talk)…… “Th-Th-Them sheep ain`t nothin but liars!!!”

Things Not To Say When You Get Pulled Over

15. No, YOU assume the position, Piggy.
14. I’m surprised you stopped me, Dunk’in Doughnuts has a 3 for 1 special!
13. If I bend over, will I still get a ticket?
12. No, offi, offic, lucifer… I’m not as think you are drunk I am. I swear to dog.
11. No, I don’t know how fast I was going. The little needle stops at 110.
10. Back off Barney, I’ve got a piece.
9. Want to race to the station, Sparky?
8. I know I was weaving, but I was trying to hit all the little green men!
7. On the way to the station let’s get a six pack.
6. You’ll never get those cuffs on me…You Pussy!
5. Come on, write the damn ticket, the bars close in 20 minutes!
4. Hey, wasn’t your daughter a pork queen?
3. How long is this going to take? Your wife is expecting me.
2. Hey officer is that your nightstick or are you just glad to see me?
1. What do you use those rubber gloves for?

Three Mice In A Bar

Three mice are sitting in a bar talking about how tough they are. The first mouse slams down a shot and says, “I play with mouse traps for fun. I’ll run into one on purpose and as it’s closing on me, I grab the bar and bench press it twenty or thirty times.” And with that he slams another shot.

The second mouse slams down a shot and says, “That’s nothing. I take those poison tablets, cut ‘em up, and snort ‘em just for the fun of it.” And with that he slams another shot.

The third mouse slams down a shot, gets up and walks away. The first two mice look at each other, and then turn to the third mouse and ask, “Where the hell are you going?”

The third mouse stops and replies, “I’m going home to screw the cat.”

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