Rodney Dangerfield On The Johnny Carson Show

End Of The World

When the End of the World Arrives, How Will the Media Report It?

USA Today: WE’RE DEAD
The Wall Street Journal: DOW JONES PLUMMETS AS WORLD ENDS
National Enquirer: O.J. AND NICOLE, TOGETHER AGAIN
Playboy: GIRLS OF THE APOCALYPSE
Microsoft Systems Journal: APPLE LOSES MARKET SHARE
Victoria’s Secret Catalog: OUR FINAL SALE
Sports Illustrated: GAME OVER
Wired: THE LAST NEW THING
Rolling Stone: THE GRATEFUL DEAD REUNION TOUR
Readers Digest: ‘BYE
Discover Magazine: HOW WILL THE EXTINCTION OF ALL LIFE AS WE KNOW IT AFFECT THE WAY WE VIEW THE COSMOS?
TV Guide: DEATH AND DAMNATION: NIELSON RATINGS SOAR!
Lady’s Home Journal: LOSE 10 LBS BY JUDGEMENT DAY WITH OUR NEW “ARMAGEDDON” DIET!
Fortune Magazine: TEN WAYS YOU CAN PROFIT FROM THE APOCALYPSE
Microsoft’s Web Site: IF YOU DIDN’T EXPERIENCE THE RAPTURE, DOWNLOAD SOFTWARE PATCH RAPT777.EXE.

CIA Job Opening

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists; two men and a woman. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. ‘We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. ‘Inside the
room you will find your wife sitting in a chair . . . Kill her!!’

The man said, ‘You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife.’
The agent said, ‘Then you’re not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.’

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, ‘I tried, but I can’t kill my wife.’
The agent said, ‘You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife home.’

Finally, it was the woman’s turn.
She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow.
‘This gun is loaded with blanks’ she said. ‘I had to beat him to death with the chair.’

MORAL: Women are crazy. Don’t mess with them

Top Signs You Have A Drinking Problem

1 You’ve fallen and you can’t/(don’t want to) get up.
2 You don’t drink. (That’s a problem!)
3 When hangovers become an attractive alternative lifestyle.
4 Beer Tender! Get me another Bar!
5 I don’t have a drinking prob.. pleb.. prub..hic Pash me another, tarbender.
6 The shrubbery’s drunk from frequent watering.
7 Do you take this woman…
8 You wake up too groggy to come up with anything funny for this damn list.
9 You realize you have shaved your head except for a little rat tail hanging from the top and you’re pestering people to buy incense & crap.
10 Your only friends are Jack, Johnnie, and Jose.
11 Double vision so much the norm, you can’t function w/o it.
12 You listen to the radio and start dancing to hootie and the blowfish.
13 Because you’re not as think you are drunk I am…
14 salt, sugar, grease, carbohydrates – yes, alcohol is the fifth food group.
15 Your favorite drink is ethanol.
16 Why does everybody think I have a prinking droblem?!
17 You can’t remember what your family looks like… or if you have a family.
18 You wake up surrounded by 50 dented cases of SPAM.
19 You like SPAM.
20 You get defensive when someone asks if you have drinking problem.
21 Haven’t stopped drinking since Carter got elected.
22 When you feel reality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of alcohol.

The Genie

A Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf…..Of course, the wife promptly whacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.

The husband cringed, “I warned you to be careful! Now we’ll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us.”

So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, “Come on in.”

When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken window.

A man reclining on the couch asked, “Are you the people that broke my window?”

“Uh…yeah, sir. We’re sure sorry about that,” the husband replied.

“Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you… You see, I’m a genie, and I’ve been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you’ve released me, I’m allowed to grant three wishes. I’ll give you each one wish, but if you don’t mind, I’ll keep the last one for myself.”

“Wow, that’s great!” the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, “I’d like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.”

“No problem,” said the genie. “You’ve got it, it’s the least I can do. And I’ll guarantee you a long, healthy life!” “And now you, young lady, what do you want?” the genie asked.

“I’d like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world,” she said.

“Consider it done,” the genie said. “And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!”

“And now,” the couple asked in unison, what’s your wish, genie?”

“Well, since I’ve been trapped in that bottle and haven’t been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife.”

The husband looked at his wife and said, “Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?”

She mulled it over for a few moments and said, “You know, you’re right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn’t mind, but what about you, honey?”

“You know I love you sweetheart,” said the husband. I’d do the same for you!”

So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other in every way. After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, How old are you and your husband?”

“Why, we’re both 35,” she responded breathlessly.

“NO SHIT.” He said, “Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?”

Drawbacks To Working In A Cubicle

• Being told to “Think Outside the Box” when I’m in the @#$%? box all day!
• Not being able to check E-mail attachments without first seeing who is behind me.
• Fabric cubicle walls do not offer much protection from any kind of gunfire.
• That nagging feeling that if I just press the right button, I will get a piece of cheese.
• Lack of roof rafters for the noose.
• My walls are too close together for my hammock to work right.
• Women: Damned near impossible to adjust your bra or slip without comment.
• Men: Co-workers tend to stare when you take your pants off.
• 23 power cords, 1 outlet.
• Prison cells are not only bigger, they have beds.
• When tours come through, I get lots of peanuts thrown at me.
• Can’t slam the door when you quit and walk out.

Amish Farmer

An Amish farmer, walking through his field, notices a man kneeling down and drinking from his farm pond.

The Amish farmer shouts: “Trink das wasser nicht. Die kuhen haben dahin gesheissen.” (Which means: “Don’t drink the water, the cows have crapped in it.”)

The kneeling man shouts back: “I’m a Muslim, I don’t understand you. I speak Arabic and English. If you can’t speak in the sacred tongue of Islam, speak in English.”

The Amish farmer says: “Use two hands, you’ll get more.”

Secrets To A Happy Marriage

1. It is important to find a woman who cooks and cleans.
2. It is important to find a woman who makes good money.
3. It is important to find a woman who likes to have sex.
4. It is important that these three women never meet.

Gal’s and Guy’s Prayers

Gal’s Prayer:

Lord, before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who’s not a creep,
One who’s handsome, smart and strong,
One whose willy’s thick and long.
One who thinks before he speaks,
When promising to call, he won’t wait weeks.

I pray that he is gainfully employed,
And when I spend his cash, won’t be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! send me a man who will make love to my mind,
Knows just what to say, when I ask “How big’s my behind?”

One who’ll make love till my body’s a twitchin,
In the hall, the loo, the garden and kitchen!
I pray that this man will love me no end,
And never attempt to shag my best friend.
And as I kneel and pray by my bed,
I look at the wanker you sent me instead.

Amen.

Guy’s Prayer:

Lord, I pray for a chick with big tits.

Amen

Bumper Stickers

• Don’t bother me. I’m living happily ever after.
• And your crybaby, whiny opinion would be…?
• Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
• Whisper my favorite words: “I’ll buy it for you.”
• Adults are just kids who owe money.
• Who are these kids and why are they calling me Mom?
• You! Off my planet!
• I majored in liberal arts. Would you like fries with that?
• A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

Scientific Study

Before you order a drink in public, this is a must read! Seven of the top bartenders in New York City were asked if they could nail a woman’s personality based on what she drinks. Though interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts. Here are the results:-

Drink: Beer
Personality: Causal, low-maintenance; down to earth.
Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.

Drink: Blender Drinks
Personality: Flaky, whiny, annoying; a real pain in the ass.
Your Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabana boy.

Drink: Mixed Drinks
Personality: Older, more refined, high maintenance, has very picky taste; knows EXACTLY what she wants.
Your Approach: You won’t have to approach her. If she’s interested, she’ll send YOU a drink.

Drink: Wine (does not include White Zinfandel)
Personality: Conservative and classy; sophisticated yet giggles.
Your Approach: Tell her you love to travel and spend quiet evenings with friends.

Drink: White Zinfandel
Personality: Easy; thinks she is classy and sophisticated, actually she has NO clue.
Your Approach: Make her feel smarter than she is…this should be an easy target.

Drink: Shots
Personality: Likes to hang with frat-boy pals and looking to get totally drunk… and naked.
Your Approach: Easiest hit in the joint. You’ve been blessed. Nothing to do but wait, however, be careful not to make her mad!

Drink: Tequila
No explanations required – everyone just KNOWS what happens there.

THEN, there is the MALE addendum…..The deal with guys is, as always, very simple and clear cut:-

Domestic Beer: He’s poor and wants to get laid.

Imported Beer: He likes good beer and wants to get laid.

Wine: He’s hoping that the wine will give him a sophisticated image to help him get laid.

Whiskey: He doesn’t give a damn about anything but getting laid.

Tequila: He’s thinking he has a chance with the toothless waitress.

If You Have To Ask You Can’t Afford It

That Part Wasn’t In The Movie

Why Being The Fastest Animal In The World Isn’t Always A Good Thing

I’m Not A Lazy Parent, I Just Have Stuff To Do!

So What Does She Look Like Now?

After You Buy Tattoo Barbie, Make Sure To Drop In A Quarter And Receive Your Very Own Pass To Tramp-Land.

You Women Are Such Pigs

Why Didn’t They Just Say That To His Face?

I Told You To Stop Eating Over Your Keyboard

Who Needs A Consumer Financial Protection Bureau Anyway?