Super Callous Fragile Sexist Racist Braggadocious

Attitude Quotes

1. I get it. Life’s a soup, and I’m a fork.
2. If your phone doesn’t ring, it’ll be me.
3. If I were a bird, I know who I’d shit on.
4. Just be yourself isn’t always good advice.
5. What doesn’t kill you can only disappoint me.
6. The trash gets picked up tomorrow. Be ready.
7. You look like something I drew with my left hand.
8. If you’re the voice of reason, then we’re in trouble.
9. If ignorance is bliss, why aren’t more people happy?
10. Hey, I found your nose again. It was in my business.
11. If only you ran like your mouth. You’d be in great shape.
12. You’re such a treasure, why hasn’t someone buried you?
13. You know, you have one really annoying habit. Breathing.
14. If I was meant to be controlled, I’d have come with a remote.
15. I have plenty of terrible ideas. Just let me know if you need any.
16. I wasn’t being rude. I just said what everyone else was thinking.
17. May your ear holes turn into assholes and shit on your shoulders.
18. Oh, darling, you should really go out and buy yourself a personality.
19. I try to see the best in everyone but you’re making it really difficult.
20. You think you know it all but clearly, you don’t know when to shut up.
21. I’m really sorry if my sense of humor offended your total lack of one.

Both Are Important Rules To Follow

If a woman is upset hold her, kiss her, and tell her how beautiful she is.

If she starts to growl quickly retreat to a safe distance and throw chocolate at her.

Female Sarcasm

1. When my children tell me they want me out of their personal space I like to remind them that they came out of my personal space
2. See? Cleaning one thing just makes everything else look dirtier
3. Why order pizza when cooking dinner only took five hours and will go completely unappreciated by my children?
4. What am I making for supper? Why, sweetie, I’m making whatever the hell I want served with a side of eat it or starve
5. Parenting. When messing up your own life just isn’t enough
6. It’s not spying if you’re holding a dust rag
7. Didn’t I just feed them yesterday?
8. Sure, I set a bad example…. Fortunately, my kids pay no attention to me
9. A woman’s work is never done in this house, it’s rarely even started
10. When you make it yourself it’s whatever size you say it is
11. See, darling? Valium makes everything seem fun!
12. She was one cocktail away from proving his mother right
13. …and then the children cleaned their rooms, got mommy her drink, and went straight to bed. The End
14. I drive them everywhere…They drive me crazy
15. Personally, I wouldn’t mind being replaced by a robot
16. Walk faster…the children are catching up
17. Why, I’d be delighted to put my needs last again
18. They say “do one thing every day that scares you”…I just called my mother
19. Love makes the world go around, but vodka makes it spin
20. Dust? What dust?
21. Since giving up carbs I’ve been feeling a bit, oh what’s that word? Homicidal
22. Dinner = 1% inspiration… 99% random stuff from the fridge
23. I’m lucky he cooks. He’s lucky I don’t

First Date

At the end of their first date, a guy takes the girl home. Emboldened by the night, the guy decides to try for the first kiss. With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and, smiling, he says to her, “Darling, how ’bout a good night kiss?”

Horrified, she replies, “Are you mad? My parents will see us!”

Him: “Oh come on! Who’s gonna see us at this hour?”

Her: “No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?”

Him: “Oh come on, there’s nobody around, they’re all sleeping!”

Her: “No way. It’s too risky!”

Him: “Oh please, please, I like you so much!”

Her: “No, no and no. I like you too, but I just can’t!”

Him: “Oh yes you can. Please?”

Her: “No, no. I just can’t.”

Him: “I beg you….”

Suddenly, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl’s sister shows up in her pajamas, hair disheveled, and in a sleepy voice she says, “Dad says to go ahead and give him a kiss. Or I can do it. Or if need be, he’ll come down and do it. But for crying out loud, tell him to take his hand off the intercom button!”

FUCK

(the most versatile word in the English language)

Noun: I don’t give a fuck!
Command: fuck you!
Verb: I like to fuck.
Question: What the fuck?
Foreplay: Wanna fuck?
Exclamation: Oh fuck!
Apology: oh, fuck.
Adverb: I fucking love this!
Pronoun: fucktard
Root word: Dumb fuck
Adjective: the best fucking word ever!

Men Grow Old, Not Up

Two old men are sat on a bench at the park. A young, smoking hot girl runs past in a sports bra and a tiny pair of shorts. One of the men smiles and this brings the girl over. “Why are you staring at me and grinning, you pervert?” she says. Two old men are sat on a bench at the park. A young, smoking hot girl runs past in a sports bra and a tiny pair of shorts.

One of the men smiles and this brings the girl over. “Why are you staring at me and grinning, you pervert?” she says. The old man sweetly replies “My dear I’m not smiling at you, I’m smiling at the thought that no matter how bad the world gets, there will always be young, pretty girls in the summer to cheer up a lonely old man” The girl replies “awwwww you sweet old man” leans in and gives him a kiss on the cheek and jogs on. The old man turns to his friend and says “3 to zip budy, your turn”.

Medical Terms??!

Tumor: One plus one more
Urine: Opposite of you’re out
Enema: Not a friend
Artery: The study of paintings
Terminal Illness: Getting sick at the airport
Dilate: To live a tong time
Out-patient: A person who has fainted
Nitrates: Cheaper than day rates
Medical Staff: A doctor’s cane
Recovery Room: Place to do upholstery
Secretion: Hiding something
Fibula: A small lie
Node: I knew it
Caesarean Section: A neighborhood in

Two Ladies Were Talking In Heaven

1st woman: Hi! My name is Wanda.
2nd woman: Hi! I’m Lynne. How’d you die?
1st woman: I Froze to Death.
2nd woman: How Horrible!
1st woman: It wasn’t so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you.
2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
1st woman: So, what happened?
2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.
1st woman: Too bad you didn’t look in the freezer… we’d both still be alive.

Sassy Quotes

1. “Sunshine mixed with a little hurricane.”
2. “If I had any talent in the world… I would be a great diva.” — Ruth Bader Ginsburg
3. “Someday I want to be perfect; until then, I’ll be happy being incredible.” — Maxine Cartoons
4. “I want a bf — and by bf I mean a Benjamin Franklin as in a hunnit dolla bill boy bye.”
5. “Didn’t they tell you that I was a savage? F— your white horse and a carriage.” — Rihanna
6. “It’s the good girls who keep diaries; the bad girls never have the time.” — Tallulah Bankhead
7. “I like my coffee how I like myself: Dark, bitter and too hot for you.”
8. “People say I act like I don’t care. It’s not an act.”
9. “Keep your head high and your middle finger higher.” — Megan Fox
10. “They say good things take time … that’s why I’m always late.”
11. “I’m gracing you with my presence.” — Kourtney Kardashian
12. “You wouldn’t worry so much about what others think of you if you realized how seldom they do.” — Eleanor Roosevelt
13. “Not all girls are made of sugar, spice, and everything nice. I’m made of sarcasm, wine, and everything fine.”
14. “You wanted fire? Sorry, my specialty is ice.” — Veronica Lodge
15. “Be a stiletto in a room of flats.”
16. “Pour yourself a drink, put on some lipstick, and pull yourself together.” — Elizabeth Taylor
17. “There’s nothing a man can do, that I can’t do better and in heels.” — Ginger Rogers
18. “Underestimate me. That’ll be fun.”
19. “Out of the way world. I’ve got my sassy pants on today.”
20. “If I ever let my head down it will be just to admire my shoes.”
21. “Focused. Intelligent. Motivated. Oh, and cute.”
22. “Life is short. Make every hair flip count.”
23. “I’m not bossy, I’m the boss.” — Beyoncé
24. “5’2 but my attitude 6’1.”

You Never Understand Till You Have Your Own

Me Pre-Kids: I’m never gonna lie to my kids ever.

Me With Kids: I just got off the phone with Santa, the firefighter dog from Paw Patrol, and the Green Power Ranger, and they all agree, if you don’t put your shoes on, they’re gonna have to put down another unicorn.

Pretty Much Sums Up The Republican Party

And They Started Out So Good

Both Are Just As Likely

Damn Illegal Aliens

So That’s Why Republican Keep Winning

Where Can I Get That?

I Don’t Care What You Say Were Sticking To The Diet!

Yep, That’s About It

It Helps Get You Thru Life

Damn Straight!