Did Kirk Father Your Child? https://www.tiktok.com/@themillenniumvulcan/video/7263504071737527598

Dr. Seuss’s Lesser-Known Books

1. The Cat in the Blender
2. Are You My Proctologist?
3. Fox in Detox
4. Who Shat in the Hat?
5. Horton Feels a Ho
6. The Lemon-Fresh Lorax
7. How the Grinch Stole Columbus Day
8. Your Colon Can Moo—Can You?
9. Zippy the Rabid Gerbil
10. One Bitch, Two Bitch, Dead Bitch, Blue Bitch
11. Marvin K. Mooney, Get the Fu(k Out!
12. Herbert the Pervert Likes Sherbert
13. The Bitch Set Me Up
14. I’ve Fallen — And I Can’t Get Up!
15. Yentl the Lentil
16. My Pocket Rocket Needs A Socket
17. Aunts in My Pants
18. Hop On Mom
19. Oh, the Place You’ll Scratch and Sniff!
20. Horton Fakes an Orgasm
21. The Grinch’s Ten Inches

German Tourist In An American McDonald’s

A German tourist walks into a McDonald’s in New York City and orders a beer.

The local guy in the line behind him immediately gives him a verbal jab, “They don’t serve beer here, you moron!”

The German fellow felt embarrassed, however he turned to the New Yorker with a surprised look on his face and begins to chuckle.

“And what’s so funny?” the New Yorker demands.

The German man, still laughing, replies “Oh, nothing really, I just realized how stupid you are. You came here for the food!”

Honest Bumper Stickers

– All men are idiots, and I married their king.
– Your kid may be an honors student, but you’re still an idiot.
– I brake for no apparent reason.
– Time is what keeps everything from happening all at once.
– Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
– I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
– Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.
– Reality is a crutch for people who can’t handle drugs.
– I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
– Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off NOW.
– Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
– Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.
– Puritanism: the haunting fear that someone somewhere may be happy.
– Consciousness cuts into my napping.
– Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
– There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can’t.
– Keep honking. I’m reloading.

How Much Food Do You Need?

It would be embarrassing trying to explain what an appetizer is to someone from a starving country.

“Yeah, the ‘appetizer’ that’s the food we eat before we have our food.”

“Next thing you’ll be telling me is that you have food after you eat your food.”

“No, no, you’re thinking of ‘dessert’ that’s food we have after we have our food.”

Kids’ Kitchen Terms

BOIL: The point a parent reaches upon hearing the automatic “Yuck” before a food is even tasted.
CASSEROLE: Combination of favorite foods that go uneaten because they are mixed together.
DESSERT: The reason for eating a meal.
EVAPORATE: Magic trick performed by children when it comes time to clear the table or wash dishes.
FRUIT: A natural sweet not to be confused with dessert.
REFRIGERATOR: A very expensive and inefficient room air conditioner when not being used as an art gallery.
SODA: Shake ‘N Spray.
TABLE LEG: Percussion instrument.

Kids Know Too Much

I boarded the train and took my seat.

The seat next to me was empty, but not for long.

A young mother boarded with her 5-year-old daughter, and Mom sat down in the seat beside me.

I offered my seat to the little girl but Mom said no, she’d sit the young one on her lap.

So here I am holding my roses, now with a little lady straining to see what I was holding.

“What ya got, mister?” she asked. (Mom is getting a bit flustered and tells her to mind her business.)

I leaned the “package” over a bit and she looks and says loudly,”Ohhhh, ROSES!, who are they for?”

(Now, Mom is embarrassed and tapping her on the rear telling her to sit down.)

I said, “They’re for my girlfriend.”

She says again with a loud voice, “WOW, pretty RED ones, and a lot of them, too! Man, you really must have fucked up!”

More Murphy’s Laws On War

1. Friendly fire…..isn’t.
2. Suppressive fire…..doesn’t.
3. If it’s stupid but it works…..it isn’t stupid.
4. If at first you don’t succeed…..call in an air strike.
5. Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than yourself.
6. If your attack is going really well…..it’s an ambush!
7. The enemies diversion is their main attack.
8. The enemy will attack on two occasions: When they are ready & When you are not.
9. There is no such thing as a perfect plan.
10. Treat a five second fuse as if its a three second fuse.
11. There is no such thing as an atheist in a foxhole.
12. A retreating enemy is just falling back and regrouping.
13. The important things are always simple and the simple things are always hard.
14. If you are forward of your position, your artillery will always fall short.
15. If you are short of everything but the enemy, you are in the combat zone.
16. When you have secured the area, make sure the enemy knows it too.
17. When you fortify your front, you will get shot in the back.
18. Incoming fire has the right of way.
19. No combat ready unit has ever passed inspection.
20. No inspection ready unit has ever passed combat.
21. The easy way is always mined.
22. If the enemy is within range…..so are you!
23. The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire.
24. Equipment which must be shipped together as a set, never are.
25. Teamwork is essential: It gives the enemy some-one else to shoot at.

New Yorker’s

Born and bred in Manhattan, Larry and Jane left the city to buy a cattle ranch in Wyoming. Months later, a friend flew out for a visit.

“So, what did you name the ranch?” he asked.

“At first, we couldn’t agree on anything,” said the new cowboy. “We finally settled on the Double R Lazy L Triple Horseshoe Bar-7 Lucky Diamond Ranch.”

“Wow!” His friend was impressed. But looking around, he saw no cattle. “So where are all the cows?”

“None of them survived the branding.”

Written On Bathroom Walls

• Don’t beam me up yet Scotty, I’m taking a shi..’ (..& the pen mark goes right up the wall..!)
• No turd left behind.
• Please do not throw cigarette ends into this urinal as this makes them soggy and difficult to relight.
• They make a dollar, I make a dime. That’s why I shit on company time.
• Life is like a toilet roll, it’s only when you get to the end that you realize how much you have wasted!
• “Some come here to sit and think
     While others come to s**t and stink
     But I come here to scratch my b***s
     And read the writing on the walls”
• To clean these walls would be in vain. The shithouse poet strikes again.
• Man’s ambition must be small, to write his name on the shithouse wall.
• Don’t look up here for the joke. It’s in your hand
• This is the place Napoleon beat his Bonaparte.
• Turds over 2 pounds to be lowered by hand
• No matter how you shake and dance, the last drop will always drip in your pants!
• Honorable mention inside men’s stall at eye level – “In case of fire look up 3 feet” written three foot up “Not Now Dumbass! In Case of an Actual Fire”
• “Here I sit, broken hearted
     Paid a penny and only farted
     But nature gave me one more chance
     I tried to fart-but shat my pants”
• Those who write upon these walls, roll their shit in little balls. Those who read these words of wit eat the little balls of shit!
• Shithouse poets when they die
     Will find erected to the sky
     A tribute to their splendid wit
     A monument of solid shit.
• While you’re reading this for Hoots, you are pissing on your Boots!
• Life is a big shit sandwich, and everyday is another bite.
• Warning! The glory hole has miniature guillotine on the other side.
• Drain your main vain and make your bladder gladder
• You can shake it, you can beat it, you can bang it on the wall. But when you put it in your pants, the last drop will fall
• At the bottom of a stall door – Be aware of gay limbo dancers
• I am grout
• Flush twice. It’s a long way to the Cafeteria.
• Aim straight the janitor can’t swim!
• You don’t buy beer in this bar; you just rent it.
• Why are you looking here the joke is in your hand?
• Here I sit downhearted, I came to shit and only farted.

The Captain’s Parrot

A magician worked on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience was different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.

There was only one problem: the captain’s parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting in middle of the show,

“Look, it’s not the same hat!”
“Look, he’s hiding the flowers under the table.”
“Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?”

The magician was furious but couldn’t do anything. It was, after all, the captain’s parrot.

One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the sea with, as fate would have it, the parrot. They stared at each other with hatred but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and then another. On the third day, the parrot could not hold back any longer:

“OK, I give up. Where’s the fucking ship?”

Definitely Next Level

No, You Got It Right, She Just Doesn’t Like You

Every Dad’s Life

And This Is How I Got Out Of Carving Pumpkins

Mom! I Found The Costume I Want!

They Were Always Scary

Everyone’s Got Their Price

No I’m Not Dressed As A Witch, I’m Dressed As A Woman Who Speaks Her Mind

Preparing the Golden Balls of Disappointment For Those Candy Eating Freeloaders

Just What Is He Paying Her For That He Can’t See For Free?