Petflix

1. Back off Barney, I’ve got a piece.
2. Want to race to the station?
3. On the way to the station let’s get a twelve pack.
4. You’ll never get those cuffs on me…You Pussy!
5. Come on write the damn ticket, the bars close in 20 minutes!
6. How long is this going to take? Your wife is expecting me.
7. Hey officer, is that your nightstick or are you just glad to see me?
8. I’m surprised you stopped me, Dunkin Donuts has a 3 for 1 special!
9. Yeah you can see my license and registration, officer, but could you hold my beer for a minute?
10. “Bad Cop! No Donut!”
11. You’re NOT gonna check the trunk, are you?
12. “Lets do it different this time… I will give you the breathalyzer test, now stick this in your mouth and blow”
13. Didn’t I see you get your ass kicked on “COPS” last week on TV?
14. Wow, you look just like the guy in the picture next to my girlfriend’s bed.
15. I bet I could grab that gun before you finish writing my ticket
16. So, uh, you “on the take”, or what?
17. So, are you still crabby because your mamma didn’t let you play with your gun when you were little?
18. Hey is that a 9 mm? That’s nothing compared to this .44 magnum.
19. When you smack the crap outta me, make sure you smile for the camcorder.
20. Is it true that people become policemen because they are too dumb to work at McDonalds?
21. Aren’t you one of the Village People?

Those Of Us Who Remember! Just Great!

Hollywood Squares: These great questions and answers are from the days when ‘ Hollywood Squares’ game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course.

Q. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?
A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness! (The audience laughed so long and so hard it took up almost 15 minutes of the show!)

Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q. If you’re going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q. You’ve been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That’s what’s been keeping me awake.

Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he’s married?
A. Rose Marie: No wait until morning.

Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say ‘I Love You’?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.

Q. What are ‘Do It,’ ‘I Can Help,’ and ‘I Can’t Get Enough’?
A. George Gobel: I don’t know, but it’s coming from the next apartment.

Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I’ll give you a gesture you’ll never forget.

Q. Paul, why do Hell’s Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q. Charley, you’ve just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I’m too busy growing strawberries.

Q. In bowling, what’s a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps…One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I’m always safe in the bedroom.

Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.

Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn’t neglected.

Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I’ll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.

Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh.

Freudian Slip

Guy says to his friend “I had the worst Freudian slip today. I mean to ask the girl at the deli for a tart, but I asked her for a t!t instead.”

His friend responds “I know exactly how you feel. The other day I meant to ask my wife to pass the salt but instead I said “You horrible bitch, you ruined my life!”.

Top Ten Tricks To Liven Up A Meeting

Stand up and act indignant. Demand that the boss tell you the ‘real’ reason this meeting has been called.

Spill coffee on the conference table. Produce a little paper boat and sail it down the table.

During a meeting, each time the boss makes an important point, (or at least one he/she seems to consider important), make a little noise like you are building up to an orgasm.

Stay behind as everyone else, including the boss, leaves. Thank them for coming.

Give a broad wink to someone else at the table. In time, wink at everyone. Sometimes shake your head just a little, as if to indicate that the speaker is slightly crazy and everybody knows it.

Arrange to have a poorly-dressed young woman with an infant quietly enter the meeting, stare directly at the (male) speaker for a while, burst into tears, then leave the room.

Bring a hand puppet, preferably an animal. Ask it to clarify difficult points.

When there is a call for questions, lean back in your chair, prop your feet up on the table, smile contentedly, and say, “Well, here’s the way I see it, J.B…” (or any other impressive-sounding initials that are not actually your boss’s.)

Complain loudly that your neighbor won’t stop touching you. Demand that the boss make him/her stop doing it.

Bring a small mountain of computer printouts to the meeting. If possible, include some old-fashioned fanfold paper for dramatic effect. Every time the speaker makes a point, pretend to check it in one of the printouts. Pretend to find substantiating evidence there. Nod vigorously, and say “uh-huh, uh-huh!”

What’s The Difference

What’s the difference between a prostitute, a mistress, and a wife?

The prostitute says: “Are you done yet?”

The mistress says: “You’re done already?”

The wife says, “Peach. I think I’ll paint the ceiling peach.”

What You Don’t Want To Hear Tech Support Say

• “Do you have a sledgehammer or a brick handy?”
• “That’s right, not even McGyver could fix it.”
• “So…what are you wearing?”
• “Duuuuuude! Bummer!”
• “Looks like you’re gonna need some new dilithium crystals, Cap’n.”
• “Press 1 for Support. Press 2 if you’re with 60 Minutes. Press 3 if you’re with the FTC.”
• “We can fix this, but you’re gonna need a butter knife, a roll of duct tape, and a car battery.”
• “In layman’s terms, we call that the Hindenburg Effect.”
• “Hold on a second… Mom! Timmy’s hitting me!”
• “Okay, turn to page 523 in your copy of Dianetics.”
• “Please hold for Mr. Gates’ attorney.”

Words Of Wisdom

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, ‘Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.’
- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)

I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: – ‘No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.’
- Eleanor Roosevelt

Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.
- Mark Twain

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible
- George Burns

Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
- Victor Borge

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
- Mark Twain

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.
- Socrates

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
- Groucho Marx

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
- Jimmy Durante

I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor

My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
- Rodney Dangerfield

I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for my nap.
- Bob Hope

We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.
- Will Rogers

Don’t worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.
- Winston Churchill

Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
- Phyllis Diller

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he’s too old to go anywhere.
- Billy Crystal

“The problem is not that the world is full of fools, it’s that lightning isn’t being distributed correctly.”
- Mark Twain

You’re Overqualified For This Job

The employers were asked to list the “most unusual” questions that have been asked by job candidates.

“What is it that you people do at this company?”
“What is the company motto?”
“Why aren’t you in a more interesting business?”
“What are the zodiac signs of all the board members?”
“Why do you want references?”
“Do I have to dress for the next interview?”
“I know this is off the subject, but will you marry me?”
“Will the company move my rock collection from California to Maryland?”
“Will the company pay to relocate my horse?”
“Does your health insurance cover pets?”
“Would it be a problem if I’m angry most of the time?”
“Does your company have a policy regarding concealed weapons?”
“Do you think the company would be willing to lower my pay?”
“Why am I here?”

A Logical Enough Question

On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules: “The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time.”

He continued, “Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?”

At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired: “How much for a season pass?”

Ways To Know If You Have Estrogen Issues

1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
2. You’re adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet
3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
5. You’re using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says: “How’s my driving-call 1- 800-”
6. Everyone’s head looks like an invitation to batting practice.
7. Everyone seems to have just landed here from “outer space.”
8. You can’t believe they don’t make a tampon bigger than SuperPlus.
9. You’re sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
10. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.

Oh, Stop Playing Hard To Get And Give Us A Kiss!

What, Is That Too Much?

I Think I Can Take Him

Hey Kid! Tell Him You’ll Play At His House If He Tries It First

From Back When We All Used Snail Mail

She Wasn’t Really All That Hot Before Meth

But It Wouldn’t Be Nearly As Fun

Don’t Be Careful What You Say, be Careful What Your Children Hear

Dammit Lady I Ordered A Light Beer!

So Where Can I Sign Her Up For That School?