If Baristas Were Honest

You Might Be A Redneck If…

1. You ever called your sister “Mom” and didn’t have to correct yourself.
2. The directions to your bathroom include, “Go past the big oak and hang a left at the woodshed.”
3. You’re in bed with your wife and you call out a name you gave to a coon you killed.
4. You’ve ever been arrested for where you got your girlfriend roses.
5. Your old car is now considered the main storage unit.
6. Every magazine on your coffee table has a piece of toilet paper for a bookmark.
7. Charlie Daniels is your commencement speaker.
8. After the divorce you still call your Ex “Cuz”.
9. You have a bowling machine in your kitchen.
10. You pick up your girlfriend on a bike for the prom.
11. The Roto-Rooter man calls for backup when visiting your house.
12. A policeman asks for your ID, and you answer, “About what?”
13. You wake up with chocolate in your ears after spending the night in a fine hotel.
14. Your neighbor spits grass when he talks.
15. In the delivery room, your husband says, “That’s worse than skinning a deer!”
16. You have sworn on your mother’s grave while she is standing beside you.
17. You refer to your cousin as “my girlfriend”.
18. You wake up the day after your wedding to find your sister next to you.
19. You’ve ever entered yourself in a “Howdy Doody Look-alike” Contest.
20. Your lips move while reading a stop sign.

Hazardous Materials Information Sheet

Women: A Chemical Analysis

ELEMENT: Women
SYMBOL: Wo
DISCOVERER: Adam
ATOMIC MASS: Accepted at 53.6kg, but known to vary from 40-200kg
OCCURRENCES: Copious quantities in all urban areas

PHYSICAL PROPERTIES:
1. Surface usually covered in painted film.
2. Boils at nothing; freezes without known reason.
3. Melts if given special treatment.
4. Bitter if incorrectly used.
5. Found in various states from virgin metal to common ore.
6. Yields if pressure applied in correct places.

CHEMICAL PROPERTIES:
1. Has great affinity for gold, silver, and a range of precious stones.
2. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.
3. May explode spontaneously without prior warning and for no known reason.
4. Insoluble in liquids, but activity increases greatly by saturation in alcohol.
5. Most powerful money reducing agent known to man.

COMMON USES:
1. Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars.
2. Very effective cleaning agent. (Not so sure on this one)

TESTS:
1. Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in the natural state.
2. Turns green when placed beside a better specimen.

HAZARDS:
1. Highly dangerous except in experienced hands.
2. Illegal to possess more than one, although several can be maintained at different locations as long as specimens do not come into direct contact with each other.

Traffic Camera…….

I was driving when I saw the flash of a traffic camera. I figured that my picture had been taken for exceeding the limit even though I knew that I was not speeding.

Just to be sure, I went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed.

Now I began to think that this was quite funny, so I drove even slower as I Passed the area once more, but the traffic camera again flashed.

I tried a fourth and fifth time with the same results and was now laughing as the camera flashed while I rolled past at a snail’s pace.

Two weeks later, I got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seat belt.

You can’t fix stupid.

Excuses For Skipping Out Of Work Early

1. I’m going to my best friend’s engagement party
2. I’m going to my best friend’s wedding
3. I’m going to my best friend’s divorce (We all knew it wouldn’t last At the wedding, everybody threw Minute Rice)
4. I have a seriously overdue library book that I have to return
5. I have a bunch of old parking tickets, and if I don’t pay them I’m going to be arrested
6. The police are at the back door Cover me
7. I’m having my nails done
8. I’m having my colors done
9. I’m having my head examined
10. I’m going to the bank
11. I’m going to sleep
12. I’m going over the edge
13. A friend of mine is dying and I have to go to the hospital
14. A friend of mine has died and I have to go to the funeral parlor
15. A friend of mine is being reincarnated and I have to go to the zoo
16. I need to check out the hole in the ozone layer
17. I need to check into a rest home
18. I’m breaking in my shoes
19. I’m breaking up with my boyfriend
20. I’m breaking out
21. I have to pick up my dry cleaning
22. I have to pick out a car
23. Salmon Rushdie is coming in to talk about his idea for a book on Christian fundamentalists I thought I’d go to a ball game instead

The Collar

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards.

The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards.

The man, who was a priest, said, ‘I am a Father.’

The little boy replied, ‘My Daddy doesn’t wear his collar like that.’

The priest looked up from his book and answered, ”I am the Father of many.’

The boy said, ”My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn’t wear his collar that way!’

The priest, getting impatient, said. ‘I am the Father of hundreds’, and went back to reading his book.

The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, “Maybe you should wear a condom, and put your pants on backwards instead of your collar.”

Even More Telephone Answering Machine Message Ideas

(in an Italian mafia style tone:)
“Hello. I can’t come to the phone right now. Me and Guido are trying to stuff a body in the trunk. I think we’re going to have to size it a little…